Remember I said I thought I wanted to meet up with Millie? Yeaaah so we actually met up the same evening. At my place. Just to chill for an evening. I- hoped. Would be nice to chill before we go to the gym tomorrow.

Finished what I might call a meal, considered watching a movie or something. But I pushed an eye to the other end of the sofa instead. Better things to look at over there, sure. Heh.

"Hey... Millie."

"Mm?"

Or we can make small talk. She still had a spoon stuck in her mouth and there's me trying to make small talk. What are we like, uh. And I knew I'd just end up going on about weird stuff again. And it might be pretty horrible and she might not wanna listen to me rant anyway.

But... it sure is great to have someone who you almost feel comfortable talking to.

So I ended up saying: "Are you... are you okay with talking about like... gender stuff?"

She pulled out the spoon. "Uh, probably, wha- what sort of stuff? In particular?"

I couldn't reply for a bit.

"...it's nothing."

"Terry..."

"Don't push it, if it hurts to push", said Demphia from behind us.

I swore, under my breath.

Millie started to say, "I-if- you don't-"

"I need to", I snapped back at her.

Millie stayed still for a bit. Then she sidled over, so she was much closer to me.

I said, "Please don't touch me", as 'not upset' as I could.

"Valid", she replied. She didn't move closer, but she didn't move further away. I dunno where the boundary is.

Demphia got up from kneeling on the floor behind us, and went round next to Millie, on the other side from me. I didn't look at her at the time, but yeah.

I closed my eyes and bend my head forward for a bit. We all sat in silence for a bit. Not that I could tell how the others were feeling.

"I've been thinking stuff like. If... you and me, we could- swap bodies... would you want to?"

I didn't expect her to reply so quickly.

"I mean... there's a bunch of stuff, like different things to think about, with that. But one I think of is that I'm... not your goals, am I?"

"Yeah, I... I was being stupid. I'm sorry- kid-"

"No!"

I forced open my eyes, and tried to unclench my jaw. I was so angry at myself and I really needed to stop.

"No sorry", said Millie. "Not stupid..."

I wasn't panicking exactly, but I was really not calm. Burning out, I guess.

"I need to stop", I said. "I need to stop saying stupid stuff to you, I need to- calling you- 'kid'."

"You can call me kid though", Millie said. "It... I don't think it's something that I'm like, attached to but... it feels really 'you'."

"It shows how you feel?", said Demphia, to me.

"I don't even know."

But I could hardly just step out of this now.

Millie was still trying to be helpful as well. "I know it hurts more, but you can... you don't- aaa I dunno how to phrase it..."

Demphia said, "Don't think about just impossible stuff, that would be good if it was possible. Think about what differences you can make."

"...that. Yeah."

"Yeah but, everything feels impossible", I said. "A lot of the time. But... yeah... nhf."

It was hurting, but I knew what they meant.

We sat there awkwardly for a little bit.

I sighed and laid back on the sofa. "Wanna watch evening shows?"

"Uhhhh sure! D-Demphie?"

"If you enjoy it, it's fine with me. Though, we need to go in... 20 minutes."

"Already? Aah!"

"Here, this one's starting."

We watched an episode together, before Millie and Demphia went home. Loved it.

I didn't even notice, til after the others left me alone, there was no Crovan to spoil the day for us. I mean though, was weird going to bed alone for a change, sure.

But Crovan is... mngh.

There's no way you could make me admit I missed it. No way.