“How are you feeling, Naavah?”
She winced at the sound of his voice, no longer knowing how to react or what to say. Closing her eyes tightly, she gripped the hem of the underwear so hard in her hands until it stung. The thought of abandonment flashed through her mind, making her gasp at the revelation. She was alone in a foreign country, surrounded by strangers, with an unknown man in a bedroom with whom she had to do something strange. She curled up her legs, striving to make them stop trembling as she realized with horror that there was no one to help her. It was like the worst thing that could happen to anyone was happening to her at that very moment, and she was all by herself.
“Was the maid to your liking?” he asked, looking at the table.
He didn’t see her.
“Yes. She was, uh, she was sweet and caring,” said Naavah slightly, looking at him through the locks of black hair, being afraid to disturb the silence of the room and to attract his attention to her.
Fyodor took a bottle of red wine in one hand and opened it, looking at Naavah as if asking if she wanted a glass or not. Lifting her head, she pondered for a moment, wondering if the drink might ease her mind, but shook her head, denying it. As he poured the liquid into the glass, Naavah noticed the robe he wore and acknowledged that he had no other clothes underneath. She looked down again and hid her face behind her hair. After taking a sip, Fyodor said in a friendly manner:
“So, tonight we are supposed to... embrace one another. However, I still want to ask if you want to do this.”
“What?” she asked, looking at him again and feeling tingles all over her body.
“I want your consent for this,” he said, chuckling slightly at her question.
“I don’t...,” she said in a small voice, but she couldn’t finish her sentence because Fyodor’s eyes turned cold in a split second.
“You don’t. Why is that?” he asked, tilting his head faintly.
“Uh,” she said, choking with her saliva.
Her throat was dry, and her limbs shook like she was an animal going to be slaughtered. Naavah was always restless when she had to speak her mind, especially when the other person didn’t have the patience to listen. And because he wouldn’t let her finish, she felt goosebumps all over her body, and her mind went blank.
“You think I am so despicable?” he asked in a faint but taut voice.
“What? N-No. I don’t want to b-be,” she began to say softly in another attempt to justify herself, thinking that she should compose herself in front of him. But then again, she was stopped by his words.
“Do you think I am beneath you, right? You think I am some sort of old man trying to persuade a beautiful and respectful woman like yourself into doing some sickly sexual things to fulfill his own desires, right?” he asked, visibly angry.
She parted her lips slightly with the intention of answering him, of telling him that he was wrong and that he had misunderstood her, that there was a completely other reason for not wanting to do this, but no sound came out. She started to feel nauseous, and her hands started shaking so badly that it hurt her. Turning his back to her, he mumbled something to himself until he smashed the glass on the floor, making a loud, shrill sound. She flinched but tried with all her might to say something to calm him down, wanting to explain everything to him, but to no avail. Her lips seemed to be glued together, and pain began to spread in her chest. It was terrifying for her, seeing that she couldn’t do anything, and she was afraid of angering him even more with her helplessness. Her mind was filled with thoughts of him divorcing her, leaving her in the hands of her uncle and aunt again to be tormented by them because she simply couldn’t have sex on their first night as a newly married couple.
As she looked at his back, her heart was pounding hard and loud in her chest. She felt sick to her stomach and began to shiver, her mind racing in anticipation of a storm.
“W-Why the fuck d-don’t y-you want m-me? Am I-I n-not go-good e-enough f-for you? A-Are you s-s-sick b-b-because I’m older t-t-than you by s-six d-damn y-years? A-A-Are you that d-d-disgusted at t-t-the t-thought of me t-t-touching you?” he shouted at her, clenching his fists and turning to look her straight in the eyes.
She could not answer him. She couldn’t mutter anything, and just then, she felt a lump in her throat. She was going to throw up. She got up from the bed with her hand over her mouth, sprinted through the bathroom door, grabbed a bucket, and vomited in it.
He started laughing like a maniac with a bitter expression on his face. Hearing his laughter, her limbs became so cold that she couldn’t even feel them trembling anymore.
“S-S-So you c-came here t-to r-r-reject me. H-H-How s-sweet of m-m-my wife!” he accentuated the word “wife” like he truly despised her; at least, that’s what Naavah considered at that moment.
Her face was filled with tears as she repeatedly vomited. She couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, feeling weak and stupid, like a pitiful creature in the eyes of a big and dangerous beast. She wanted to disappear right before his eyes because of the shame. Naavah believed that it was all her fault and felt like fainting.
“T-Then, I w-w-will l-leave you t-to it. H-Have a g-g-good night, m-m-my wife!” he said, right before turning and slamming the door shut behind him.
She kept crying and throwing up for a few more hours, contemplating and feeding her anger towards herself and her inability to speak and explain anything to him. It hurt her that her first night ended like this. And she was scared of the day that would come, more so about the consequences of her actions. She expected him to intend a divorce without further discussion. And although it wasn’t her fault for anything that happened, she could not think so; she was used to this kind of treatment, and more so, she even came to believe with all her being that all of the bad things were because of her. She was so familiar with these feelings, the hatred towards herself, the repulsiveness at her own actions and thoughts, the tiredness of trying to make the difference between right and wrong, that she let them spread in her mind and soul. Always seen as a burden and that person anyone could take their anger out on, always being told that she was useless, never enough, everything made her think of one thing: she was the source for every single bad situation. No questions asked, no questions answered. That was all that there was. And she came to think like this, as well as the others around her.
Soon after that, Naavah felt her body numb and fell asleep because of the struggles she had endured for such a long time. All night long, she dreamed that Fyodor had left her.
◊
Upon waking up, every part of her body ached, but she was unable to think about it. Tears gathered in her eyes once more as she recalled what had happened the previous night. However, she shook her head, holding them back, and made a choice: even though she didn’t feel good at all and her whole body ached from last night's frequent vomiting, she got out of bed and went straight to his office room with a heavy feeling in her heart. The door was of a darkish brown shade, making her feel like she was being pushed away. It was an awful and painful feeling, but she didn’t want to go back now. She was determined to try to make this marriage work.
She had knocked on the door up to three times in the hope of an answer. After hearing the approval, she pushed the doorknob and entered the big chamber. She found her husband standing at the desk, frowning at her sight.
