Well this was an issue. I’d walked out to my car, ready to head home so I could try to process what happened, but there was one small problem. My wallet and keys were gone. I always kept both of them in my back left pocket, I knew that, but somehow they weren’t anywhere to be found. 

 

That was it. I’d had enough. I just did not have it in me to deal with this right now. I fell to the ground, pressing my back against the car, and I just cried. It was all just so much! Why did I look different? Why was Alex treating me different? Why was she calling me a different name? Why the hell had my keys vanished? It didn’t make sense! None of it made sense! Hell, the fact that I was even able to cry right now was confusing in itself! I hadn’t cried in years, but now the floodgates were open, and tears were falling like rain.

 

Suddenly, there were footsteps. Before I even realized what was happening, the steps rushed towards me, and I was wrapped up in a warm hug. Sniffling, I looked up to see Alex, her face inches from mine, as she rubbed my back and brushed my hair out of my face.

“Brie, what happened? Are you ok? You’re not hurt right?”

I couldn’t make words happen. I could hardly even breathe, barely managing gasping hiccups between each sob. Why was it all hitting me now? I thought I was ok! I thought I could make it home, but now I’d just fallen apart. I shook my head to let her know I wasn’t hurt.

“Alright, that’s good. That’s good. Are you nonverbal right now?”

I gave her a slight nod.

“Ok, that’s alright Brie. I want you to take some deep breaths for me, ok? Can you do that?”

I nodded again. Pulling in a long, gasping breath at her instruction, and letting it out with a sob. I did as she asked, taking deep breaths, again and again until finally the tears started to dry. I still couldn’t speak, that was just too much, but I felt much less like I was falling apart, so that was something, I guess.

“That’s it Brie, you’re ok. It’s gonna be ok. Just take it easy, alright? I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I want to help. Is there anything, anything at all I can do for you?”

I wanted to talk to her, to tell her what happened, but the words just wouldn’t come. I hated when this happened, my throat felt like it was closing up, and I couldn’t force my way past it. After pointlessly struggling for a minute or two, I pulled out my phone and opened my notes app.

>>I’m sorry Alex, everything is just a lot right now. I don’t know what to do. Why did you even come out here, anyway?

I showed Alex my screen, and she gave my arm a little squeeze.

“I came out because you forgot your purse, see? I figured Mike could handle things for a bit.” She held up a little black handbag with an intricate spider web pattern across its surface. I reached out for it tentatively. Alex passed it over, and I took a look inside. Sure enough, there was my wallet and keys. There was some other stuff in there too: red lipstick, a well worn fidget cube, and was that pepper spray? I had to admit, if I were to have a purse, this is probably what it’d look like. I guess Brie and I had similar taste… or something like that.

Now that I actually thought about it, other things had changed too. I was definitely shorter now, and my build had changed a bunch, but somehow my clothes still felt like they fit comfortably, and wait, was I wearing a bra right now? How hadn’t I noticed that before? My phone’s lock screen was different too. It was a picture of a 20-ish year old woman smiling and laughing with a drink in her hand. I didn’t recognize her, but there was something familiar about her at the same time. She was pretty, her eyes were so vibrant and joyful, and that eyeliner made them pop even more.

Alex reached out and helped me to my feet, before looking around kind of awkwardly.

“So uh… It’s ok if you want to say no, but um, do you want to hang out tonight? I just- I really want to make sure you’re ok. We both know how your parents are, I just want to make sure you have someone you can actually talk to about whatever this is…”

I took another deep, long breath, clutching my purse tightly. I wanted to say this, with my words, not a screen. I pushed and pushed and pushed at this stupid anxiety induced block in my head, why did this have to happen now? 

“I…”

I trailed off. I couldn’t do it. I felt awful. I saw Alex reach towards me, her hand falling just short of mine.

“Brie… there’s nothing wrong with typing it out. Nobodies gonna blame you or judge you for having anxiety, and if they do, I’ll kick their asses for ya.”

I sighed and started typing.

>>I know, it’s just embarrassing. Nobody else has to deal with this

>>I think I’d like it if you came over. Everything is weird right now, I could use a friendly face.

Alex took a step back once she’d finished reading.

“Ok. My shift ends at 9, I’ll be at your place by 9:30 at the latest. If you need anything before then, you just text me and I’ll come running. I… I really care about you, y’know.”

I nodded to her once again, before grabbing her tightly in a brief hug. Where had that come from? Physical affection was usually something I tolerated for others sake, but that felt as natural as breathing. These thoughts and more danced through my mind as I drove home.

 

One thought in particular began to rise to the surface past all the others as I got closer to my destination. What had Alex meant when she mentioned my parents? I’d always been able to talk to them about whatever I’d needed to, we were about as close as you could get to the classic nuclear family. My dad worked at some bigshot marketing firm, my mom took care of the house and sold jewelry on etsy, and I was staying with them as I went through college to save on housing. What was she so worried about?

 

I pulled up in front of the house and parked on the street, grabbing my purse before heading inside. Walking in, I was greeted with the delicious aroma of my mother’s cooking. It smelled like she was going all out tonight for some reason, roast beef and potatoes wafting into my face. I made it all of two steps into the house before my mother popped out of the kitchen in front of me.

“Brie, sweetheart! You’re home early.” 

Her words were warm and sweet, but something felt off. Her smile didn’t seem to reach her eyes, and everything just felt forced, like she was trying to convince both of us she was happy to see me. She swept me up into a hug that was just a bit too tight to be comfortable.

“Are you alright, sweetie? Did something happen?”

My heart started thundering in my chest, but I couldn’t say why. My body was shot through with adrenaline even though this whole scene was thoroughly normal.

“Oh, I wasn’t feeling well, so the closers sent me home early… I hope that’s ok.”

She stepped away from me.

“Of course it’s ok! I’d hate for my sweet little girl to get sick. Do you need anything? Does your head hurt? Are you nauseous? What’s wrong sweetheart?”

Ok, yeah, she was laying it on thick. Her ‘sweet little girl’? Seriously? I was 21 years old! Every second this interaction continued, the faster and harder my heart kept pounding. Did this body know something I didn’t? Why was it acting up like this? I gave my mom a tight grin.

“It’s… it’s more of a mental health thing. People just got to be a bit too much for me today… I think I’m just gonna hang out in my room for a bit.”

Her smile wavered for just a second before coming back in force. It reminded me of my customer service face, fake all the way through.

“I see… you head to your room then. Make sure you’re presentable by eight, Father Jeffreys will be coming by for dinner tonight, and fix your makeup. The running mascara is a bit… dramatic.”

Oh. I didn’t even realize I had makeup on. Oh God. It was probably a mess after all that crying I did in the parking lot, wasn’t it? For some reason, the thought of Father Jeffreys coming over had me panicking even more. My heart continued to drum in my chest, and now I really did feel nauseous. My whole body was screaming at me, shouting danger over and over and over.

“Um… I was actually thinking about having dinner with a friend tonight. Alex, from work, she was worried about me. I figured I’d just go out with her…”

Wrong answer.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!

I shouldn’t have said her name. Oh god, I didn’t know why, but some deep seated instinct knew with absolute certainty, I should not have said her name.

“Oh! You were going to ‘go out’ with Alex, were you? That’s odd, and here I thought your little… infatuation with that girl had ended. Here I thought I’d told you how awful an influence she was. You will be having dinner with us tonight, you will not be seeing that filthy woman, and Father Jeffreys will help us all make damn sure you never even look at another woman that way again. Okay?”

Somehow, through all that, she kept that horrible fake smile on her face. Grinning at me, disgustingly sweet. Of course, now was when my voice failed me again. My throat constricted as I tried to speak, as I tried to tell her no, tried to say how scared I was. I was scared of her, of Father Jeffreys, of this whole damn house, but I couldn’t say any of it. I couldn’t force it out.

“Good. Now run along to your room, dear. Ready by eight, remember?”

I rushed into my room and shut the door, hardly even noticing all the changes that had been made to it as I curled up in my bed and cried. I was scared. Oh god I was so scared. What was that? What happened to the mom who loved me? The answer came to me unbidden. She loved her son, her straight son. I wasn’t him. She’d loved Isaac, but I was Brie, and Brie still liked girls, didn’t she. Oh fuck.

I rolled over and started sobbing into my pillow, some part of me knowing I had to stay quiet, that it’d be bad if they heard me cry. Eventually, my tears ran dry once again, and I checked my phone, it was 7:40. I’d really been crying for hours, hadn’t I? Time was almost up, soon I’d have to face whatever my parents had planned for me.

 

Without me even realizing it, I’d opened up my contacts and pulled up Alex’s number. Before I had time to second guess myself, I shot her a message.

>>Allie, I’m scared. My parents are inviting their pastor over for dinner, I think they’re planning something awful

>>Please come get me

>>Please

I waited. Minutes felt like hours as I stared at my screen. Please read it. Please answer. Please.

>>On my way, 40 minutes

>>It’ll be ok