After they had all picked up several sets of incredibly boring traveling outfits for everyone much to the annoyance of Flora, the druidic mage took her leave to go ‘look at shiny rocks,’ the group having passed a store full of some of the rare and valuable minerals and ores mined around these mountains earlier. Leaving Catnip alone with Jacob and thus an ideal opportunity for them to possibly discuss their earlier trans-sounding comments. Jacob had looked like they wanted to follow Flora, but Catnip grabbed their shoulder and looked to them, indicating that they wanted to talk about something. Jacob nodded, and Catnip led them down a nearby gap between buildings to a somewhat private alley fenced in by stone buildings on both sides. Catnip didn’t know what kind of progress this world had made on ideas of sexuality and gender, but they simply felt like they couldn’t just do nothing after what they heard Jacob say earlier.
“Hey, um Jacob, is it possible that you might want to be a girl?” they asked, probably far too directly.
Jacob full on panicked, looking around the alley to see if anyone heard, and stared back at Catnip with wide eyes.
“Uh umm no, I uhm, No. I uh, what makes you think that?” Jacob denied shakily. “I mean, wanting to be a girl? Who, me? Why would I want to be a girl?”
“Uh huh. So you didn’t include yourself when you said ‘we girls’ earlier, and you didn’t mutter that you wanted to try on a maid dress?” Catnip pointed out sarcastically, staring at them.
“Uh, um, you must have heard wrong,” they continued. “I uhh, please. Pretend you heard nothing.”
“Why? Would there be anything wrong with you wanting to be a girl?” Catnip pushed forward.
“I mean, it’s uh, weird right? Un - Unnatural? Even if I did feel that way, I would never act on it.” Jacob said, almost seeming to parrot something they had heard before. Even though Catnip was not transgender, just a cis guy who got lucky and got gifted a female body despite not deserving such a gift, it still hurt to hear that. It reminded Catnip of countless conservative idiots and religious extremists, crying about unnaturalness and putting down others and their happiness for no good reason. And it disappointed them that this world was clearly no better than their previous in terms of acceptance. They hadn’t had high hopes, but it was still sad to see it confirmed. But… Jacob didn’t mean to hurt anyone with their kinda transphobic comments, that much they could pick up. No, they were just hurt and lashing out with what had presumably been said to them at some point. Who hurt this poor girl?
“Please… just let it go. Forget about it… I.. not again,” Jacob said, shaking. It practically looked like they might start crying at the drop of a hat.
Shit they pushed things too hard too fast. Even so, Catnip felt the need to push further. From as long as they had known Jacob, which admittedly wasn’t very long, they had been quiet and incredibly unsure of everything they did. In the party they were the member that talked the least, the member that never seemed to get comfortable with Catnip, the member that never seemed particularly happy. Catnip had theorized before that Frank and Jacob were running away from their own respective pasts, and this was probably exactly what Jacob had been running from all this time. You can’t cure who you are as a person, it simply wasn’t possible. Catnip would know, their prior self would have loved to be able to cure their depression and sex and birth, but it saddenly wasn’t possible for him. Richard was never able to escape the reality of who he was, no matter how much he tried. In the massive amount of research on trans topics Catnip had consumed in the past in vain to try to prove that they might actually be trans and thus deserve to be a girl, that was always clear. So, they thought of it as ripping off a band aid to let Jacob heal a stronger and happier person. Or at least that’s what they tried to tell themself. They disliked causing others pain like this.
“Hey, I just want you to know. It’s okay. You’re allowed to be a girl,” they said, crouching down to the trembling figure and hugging them. Telling them the words that they wished they had been told, words that would never belong to a faker like them.
“I I … but -” they tried to say, but instead burst into tears. “It isn’t possible. My class might allow me to disguise myself somehow but - I’ll never truly be one.”
“Shhh, it’s fine, and it is possible. You are who you are regardless of your body, but even so, somewhere in this vast world there’s a way to be your true self on the outside too, I’m sure of it,” they continued.
“How can you be sure? And -and, even if there was, isn’t it wrong? It’s wrong right?” they asked in desperation, still shaking in their embrace. Catnip rubbed their back in circles before continuing, trying to make them as calm as possible. They didn’t know much about comforting people, but they were trying their best, and this was a situation they felt very strong feelings about.
“Where I came from, far away from here, there was a way. They created one, you see, for people like you. And… they accepted those people. There was a word, transgender, someone whose body didn’t match their true self. And… and they acknowledged that you could be whoever you wanted to be beyond that, whether a girl, a boy, something in between, or even without a gender,” they said soothingly, “It’s true, there are always those who will reject you. Likely even more so here than from where I came from, and we were far from without opposition. But, don’t listen to the assholes who tell you can’t be whoever you want to be.”
“…but, if it’s not wrong, why? There must be a reason right? A reason things ended as they did,” Jacob muttered under their breath. “Did they really reject me for no real reason?”
“... Being yourself doesn’t hurt anyone at all. It just makes you happy. So it can’t be wrong. But even so, people reject what isn’t normal, what doesn’t conform to their wishes, and reject it as wrong even if it doesn’t hurt anyone,” they sighed, hugging the sobbing girl a little closer to their chest. “I try not to take it to heart. Is it really their fault for their rejections if the world has brainwashed them and tricked them into believing it’s true? Did they ever have a chance to know anything else, to see another perspective? Who can say they’ll never change their mind? I don’t absolve them of blame for their hurtful actions, or believe that everyone can change their mind, but the nature of sapient species and their civilizations is simply that such people will fear what’s different, that ideas will permeate across time whether or not they’re right, and emotion will rule over logic in the end.”
Jacob sniffed. “Um, you’ve thought a lot more about this than I have.”
“I suppose you could say that, yes.”
“Um, I -I don’t want to be rude, but… are you transgender yourself?” they quietly asked. “I uhh well I get that um feeling, and it would be nice for you to, um guide me based on your own path to find yourself, if you don’t mind”
Catnip stared blankly. Were they transgender? No, of course they weren’t. They didn’t deserve to be transgender. Because being a girl made them happy, and Catnip didn’t deserve happiness. They were lazy. They were selfish. They were a failure who never followed through, who just didn’t even try to be better. Logically, their own fixation on gender was just that. A selfish perverted desire unlike real trans people's feelings, a twisted obsession with being something they could not simply because their true self was simply so horrible that they wanted to be anything else. So why?
“Uh…” the girl formerly known as Jacob muttered. “A - Are you okay? You uh don’t seem okay… I’m sorry if, if it was the wrong thing to say.”
“Shhh, no, it’s not your fault, you’re okay. It’s mine,” Catnip replied, muttering below their breath “everything is” to make sure they didn’t get any delusions about their own worth. Because everything had been and always was their fault before, and that should still be true now, even in another world, in another body. They thought about their body. Sometimes, at night, they found themselves cupping their boobs, or simply running their hands along their skin. It was comforting, nice, and for a moment, Catnip could feel more content than they’d ever been. But they couldn’t forget that they deserved none of it, no matter how right it felt. They had to hate themselves because… because….they just did, because they were clearly lazy, selfish, horrible, a waste of space, a burden, better off dead for the sake of their family, too cowardly to go through with suicide, simply -
The girl in their embrace shook them out of their thoughts, tears still in their eyes, but filled with a growing concern for Catnip. Concern that they didn’t deserve, but there all the same.
“Catnip, hey, are you okay?” she said with worry in her voice.
“...yes, just, I need to finish telling you. Uh, it’s alright to be you, and the party will always support you no matter what,” Catnip continued, trying to get back on track.
“I know, I, uh, think you’ve made that clear,” she muttered, “but-”
“Look at me,” Catnip said, suddenly grabbing and squishing the girls cheeks, “I just want you to know, that we can take things as slowly as you want, and we WILL find you a way to be your true self. Okay?”
“I uhh thank you so much but really - “
“But what.. I’m fine, there’s nothing there to say. Look, is uh, there a name you would prefer to be called? How about that? Enough about me” Catnip said, their voice cracking.
“... I, I want to be called Mia but but you…” Mia sighed, hugging them tighter. “You… I’m here for you, yo- you can’t just pretend there’s nothing wrong when there is.”
“No, it’s fine Mia. I’m fine. Even if there were something wrong, you don’t have to be here for me at all. It’s okay, I don’t want to burden you. It’s okay, I’m okay, I, I don’t deserve any more,” Catnip assured her shakily. At this point, Catnip realized they had said too much. But…
Despite knowing that telling people things about their self hatred and issues would cause problems, they still continued, almost desperately feeling like they had to say this. Had to make it clear that he was worthless and fake, unlike Mia who was valid. Had to make it clear that despite their thoughts, they were truly a he, not a they.
“I’m not trans, I know. I’m a fake girl, a guy who got lucky, okay?” Catnip muttered. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I stole it. I stole it from those who deserved it, when I’m me.”
“... Catnip,” Mia said, scooting forward and hugging them closer. “You -”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I lied about who I am, I let you all keep calling me she when that’s a lie. When I’m just a … perverted manchild in a body I don’t deserve,” Catnip continued with desperation. “I’m not trans. I’m not. I don’t deserve to be a girl, to be happy.”
Mia’s eyes were wide as Catnip continued their confession. She looked like she just didn’t know what to do about what Catnip was saying, couldn’t quite believe that they really believed all that. Well, they did believe it, because it was right, not that they were ever truly right about anything since they were dumb and worthless, but still, right about their own worthlessness.
“Mia, you have to understand. I, I got this by chance. I wasn’t born a girl, I, I was a man, my name was, no is Richard, and when this happened to me… it was terrifying how happy I was during those first few seconds. I know, how could happiness be bad, but it is, I swear, because I did nothing to earn it. And I can’t let myself be happy with myself, because… Because I just have to, Okay!” Catnip was practically shouting at this point, their voice raw. Mia still looked shocked and now a little panicked, not interrupting yet as if waiting to reply once Catnip’s little tirade was over. “I think, maybe, if I were to allow myself to be happy, then what? Who would stop me from being too prideful, too selfish, too anything? I want to be a good person you know, I really do, but I know I’m a bad person at heart. I, well I haven’t done anything bad, but I’m sure of it. This is how it has to be, OKAY! It’s not perfect, I know, but it’s for the best. I don’t deserve to be a girl. I don’t deserve this body and I don’t deserve pity or sympathy. I… I’m scum, and I have to… have to hate myself to prevent it from getting any worse.”
Mia was fairly speechless, still staring at them, still hugging them.
“Mia, you understand right? Don’t let the others know how much I hate myself though, I don’t want to burden them. People always want to fix it once they know it’s there, but I don’t deserve to be fixed. It’s better for them to not know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I stole your chance to be yourself and I’m sorry I let myself say too much and burden you with my selfish, petty issues.”
“I… you…” Mia started, clearly struggling to find what to say. “I hear the words you're saying, and I believe you believe them, but I don't know how you could. Catnip. If you were really so awful, we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. Only someone who cares would try to help me as you have.”
“Mia… Please,” Catnip said, starting to sob now. “I… I’m sorry.”
“Catnip. You changed my life today. You said everything I needed to hear and broke through the last barrier that prevented me from being myself, from being happy. Do you know how many years it's been since the day I was rejected, the day I repressed everything I was and promised I’d never let it out again? 5 whole years. No one changed my mind in 5 years, but… you somehow found the words I needed. You were rather direct and blunt - but I needed that more than anything, to be reassured that it was okay to be who I wanted to be - and I’ll never forget that.” Mia breathed in and held their breath for a second, still staring at them. “I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, but I refuse to just leave you be after what you’ve granted me today. Even if I can’t quite do what you did for me, I have to try. You’re wrong about yourself. You deserve to be happy, and if being a girl makes you happy, you deserve to embrace it. You said there’s nothing wrong with it right? So why would it be wrong for you?”
“B-Because it just is,” Catnip managed to stutter out.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t have to to be right,” Catnip muttered. “I just know. No one knows you better than yourself. I think I have the authority to say I’m pure scum better than anyone else.”
Mia hugged them closer again, then moved back a bit and stared at them hopelessly. She seemed at a loss on how to help them, tears that dried earlier in the conversation coming back in full force. Of course Catnip went and made Mia sad, she didn’t deserve that. Mia should be happy, Catnip had screwed up and now another person was paying for it. If only they never said anything about their own mental state. If only they could control themselves from letting all the signs of their distress out.
That was the worst thing about sadness and pain. It was contagious. Because, although it was mostly a good thing, people cared and sympathized for even the worst of people. After all, Catnip themself believes everyone deserves a second chance, that everyone can be better if you let them, and that every person is still a person deserving of sympathy and understanding no matter how much they fall. Except for them, or rather, him. Catnip was the exception, but others never seemed to accept that, and still wanted to help them and sympathize despite their wishes. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t they just be sad on their own and affect no one else with their issues? They didn’t even have a way out anymore, suicide was no longer an option. They had to just keep… existing regardless. Non-existance terrified Catnip despite their suicidal tendencies, but having no choice in the matter was somehow worse.
Catnip knew it wasn’t logical. That it was ridiculous to believe that they were the only person in the entire universe who didn’t deserve sympathy or help. That didn’t stop them from believing it. Others deserved the benefit of the doubt - Catnip had already given themself such far too many times already for them to be anything but selfish scum.
“Catnip… You’re a wonderful person, you know that? You, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you. But, even if it seems impossible and you believe yourself undeserving, I’m… I’m going to selfishly try to change your mind about yourself regardless. You’ve done so much for me, it’s only right I pay it back,” Mia declared with more conviction than she had ever shown before.
“And I know what you’re going to say,” she continued, her voice strengthening, “You’re going to say I shouldn’t have to deal with your problems, that it’s somehow your fault, that you deserve no help at all, but…” she said, sighing, “I’m being selfish. That’s what this is. Like it or not, I’m going to selfishly try to help you because it’s what I want to do. You’re not forcing me into anything, and it’s not your fault that I’m taking this on. I chose this, so don’t you dare try to pretend it’d be better if I just forgot about your problems and moved on. It’s not your choice to make.”
Now it was Catnips' turn to stare at Mia with a bit of shock. They certainly didn’t expect any of this to happen, and they didn’t know how to feel. On one level, Catnip was happy. Someone CARED, not because it was their duty, not because doing them benefited in some way, not because they asked for it, but because they WANTED to care and to help. But at the same time, Catnip still thought that they needed to hate themself, and that they weren’t really trans. If this happened, would Mia eventually grind down their self hatred? Would they become the confident, prideful, selfish monster they feared they would become if they ever let their self hatred go? Would they start pretending to be something they know they’re not, a trans girl who deserves her body and to be happy? Could Catnip stand to imagine such a thing happening?
Catnip didn’t know. And it was as exhilarating as it was terrifying.
Watching two eggs try to crack each other while denying themselves is both amusing and heartbreaking.
we were far from without opposition
"We"
i'm not crying you're crying!
okay i am totally crying. its been years since i went through that particular mental block myself but damn it still hits deep.