So ok. Let's start from the beginning.

The name is Matathias, but my friends back at home just call me Matt, so you should just call me that too. 

I was an ordinary shoemaker, you know back in the days of Jerusalem, life was pretty simple.

Get up, praise Yahweh, eat food, praise Yahweh some more, walk around town and say hello to the folks, then do my job, and life repeats.

Anytime there was something mildly interesting happening, I would go and pre-game some wine with friends, then see what was going on. Especially during my time, there was a curious fellow by the name Jesus, who would go around town preaching and making a fuss out of everything, and to be quite honest, I was a fan of his work. 

I almost converted to his teachings, except he was straight up crazy! The man couldn't take any criticism at all! I mean for goodness sake it's not like he was a demi-god or something... Ok well... in hindsight..I was the one that flubbed up.

Anyways...back to my point. 

One day, I was just minding my own business (literally), making shoes and chatting with the folks, while Jesus was being persecuted by everyone in town. To be honest thinking back to that time, he was a lot taller in person than what most people had credited him for, so it came to my concern that the fellow might be having a posture issue (which was why I thought that people thought he was shorter). 

Whilst the man was carrying his cross across our part of town, I simply made a remark that the fella should maybe straighten up his back and bend his knees (really common sense stuff here) and sure, maybe it was a little mean for me to walk up to him, then proceed to adjust the cross properly (rope and wood and all), but I was certain that it wouldn't leave any permanent damage to the guy. 

As a result, Jesus thanks me for my work, gives me a smile (I swear he was hiding some ill-intent), and I felt a rush in my body like no other (I assumed it was the combination of wine and a good deed). 

Like any normal human being, I bid him adieu and went back home. 

This is where it gets weird. 

After I returned home to my family, I started to feel extremely ill. I was convinced that maybe some of the bread I ate earlier accumulated some mold and was causing indigestion, so I just decided to sleep it off.

I proceeded to go to bed, and I had the weirdest dream I have ever had in my life.

This majestic figure of a man, who looked strikingly similar to Jesus, appeared and shook my hand, a firm handshake mind you.

He said to me, "Matt-" side note only my friends call me Matt, so this was a big deal "You did a great deed by adjusting his posture and giving Jesus some advice, I was impressed because he seldom takes advice from other people aside from myself!" He proceed to chuckle, majestically.

I thought to myself, I called it, I knew Jesus was taking my advice with a grain of salt!

The majestic man chuckled and responded as if he had read my mind, "Jesus has all rights to be confident for he is the Son of myself and in turn the Son of Man!"

He continued without letting me respond,"We don't have much time since Jesus is about to ascend and I can hear him calling out to me, so I'm in a strict schedule right now, but due to your actions Jesus put in a holy referral, so thus I will grant you, Matathias the Shoemaker, one thing, literally anything."

In my state of mind, I figured that this was just a dream and that since I had nothing to lose I may as well tell him a piece of my mind. 

I said, "In that case, I want to teach your son Jesus how to be a proper human being! Demi-god or not, there are proper ways of doing things in this world!"

After saying my piece, I smiled to myself, pretty satisfied.

The majestic man, or I'll just call him the Father or something, pondered for a moment over my words and his eyes lit up as if to indicate he made a decision.

The Father said, "Jesus and I intend to have him come back a second time, we're dubbing it the Second Coming since we don't have any other name for it yet (pray your ideas to me when you get the chance!), but we're going to need to have someone watch over the Earth as the human race prepares! So until Jesus comes back why not have you stick around and learn the "proper ways," then teach Jesus in preparation for the guidance. It'll be perfect, that way we don't need to do the whole manger thing and north star stuff, too much logistics."

What a great idea! 

Or so I thought.

I woke up the next day, completely drenched in filth excreted from my body, but I felt really good...too good.

My body felt extremely light, extremely strong, and too defined. I needed to see my reflection fast!

I ran over to the nearest river and I looked at my reflection.

I was ripped and chiseled! As ripped as the mythical Samson!

At that moment, I suddenly remembered the dream with the Father. I needed to see Jesus right away!

As I ran to the spot on the hill where Jesus's final destination was, I noticed that the Earth was deathly still that day and as I came close I would come to see Jesus himself dead at the cross.

I knew that he would return because the Father had talked to me in the dream, but...who knew that I would have to wait 2000 years...

I first realized I couldn't die when I drowned in the river and immediately resurrected.

I first realized I didn't age when my wife, sons, and daughters over the years began to look older than myself.

I first realized I was immortal when my body could instantly heal itself after I had accidentally cut off a finger while cutting leather.

I had to go into hiding and fake my death because people began to be suspicious (I could only use the baby face excuse for so long).

I fought all the wars in the world since 100 AD.

I've learned every language on the planet (even the indigenous ones, turns out it becomes easy to learn when you know over 100 languages).

I've had countless children (Not to brag, but my descendants have to be just as numerous as Jacob's).

I can change the age and appearance of my body at will (benefits of working with the Father himself). 

I've been Asian, African, European, Persian, everything (at some point you realize all of this is just skin deep anyways).

And after all this, Jesus still hadn't come back!

Until today that is...

"Wahhhhhh!!!" A baby was crying in the middle of the grassy field in a town in the middle of California, not too different than the origin story of Clark Kent.

Except, the baby was a girl.

And the baby was Jess. The Second Coming of Christ, herself.