There are many people who change their whole lives, live and die by single dreams. People can receive knowledge and wisdom through their dreams, they can solve their problems in their dreams, overcome their fears, change their perceptions and even live different lives. Dreams cannot be underestimated.
Especially this nightmare. For her, what should have been an easy English exam has been tarnished by it. It feels like bugs are crawling under her skin. The soft claws of a demon reach out for her. Every shadow hides an enemy.
But Ajax’s reaction to his dream didn’t feel so useful, at least not today of all days.
There are many reasons why Ajax is a great person to Shaula. Shaula had been homeless for a while. It was after her foster parents had died in a fire that destroyed her childhood home. She had first tried to live in a group home, but the conditions of the underfunded city-run group homes were terrible.
Eventually, she was living in a tent city, living there during her junior year of high school and the summer after. Ajax had found out about her homelessness, a secret she hoarded diligently, and begged her to come live with him rather than continue a life on the streets.
Shaula was, and still is, uselessly stubborn about making new debts, especially to someone who was already her one and only best friend. But, Ajax was persistent. One day in August, the homeless encampment where she lived was flooded with cops. The homeless people were pushed out, their possessions thrown out as garbage.
Even the small items that she still kept were gone.
The new mayor of New Amsterdam City ran on a tough-on-crime message and ended up being mostly tough on the homeless. She felt bad for herself, but more for the poor who didn’t have any other options, unlike her who had Ajax. He found her that same day, and finally convinced her to come to his home and stay with his family.
She had accepted his offer in tears. He cried when she cried. It is a beautiful memory for her.
He’s trustworthy, generous and truly kind, both in word and in action. However, there’s also this other part of Ajax where he acts and thinks impulsively, with his reasoning being that things will just “work out” in the end.
In most other aspects, he’s a straight arrow, realistic in his outlook and able to pursue his goals. He wouldn’t be able to pursue a chemical engineering degree at Lower Dietrich of all places if that wasn’t the case.
But at other times, he has these flights of fancy, the kind that can only come from living in the upper middle class Briboia suburbs for most of his life, quite a lucky birth. He’s not the worst of these types, as their classmates at Anne Bond high school are much more annoying and entitled.
But, Ajax still does have this side to him that makes Shaula exhausted at times.
In truth, Shaula wanted Ajax to be a bit happier and picking an engineering track felt like being pushed towards something really difficult. She wasn't sure if he has the level of resolve to study as much as such a degree would entail. But this current train of thought he’s on doesn't feel like rethinking, it’s a bit too shallow for that.
"The past few months I was wondering if things were a bit too planned out for me. Sometimes I think I'm doing chemical engineering because that's what someone else wants. But it's not like my parents have forced me into it… I mean, it just feels like we’re being fed a line, you know?”
Shaula listens carefully to his words, her frustration growing slowly.
“Like, luckily my parents didn’t lose their homes during that housing crisis but things just seem to get worse and worse year by year in this country. What with global warming and all, why am I doing something this hard? It feels a bit pointless. Maybe I should be working towards a more relaxed future if things are just gonna get shitty anyways–"
“Ajax.” Ajax stops speaking at Shaula’s cold voice. Perhaps, he’s spoken out of line.
“...”
“You know what I want, right?”
“...”
“Look at me, Ajax.”
Ajax looks over at Shaula. Her face is cold, not specifically towards him but towards something past him. Something she doesn’t want him to see. Her own future.
“You know, right? You know how things will turn out for me, right?”
“Wait. Hold on, you don’t have to–”
“I wish words could get through to me, Ajax, I really… really do, but I’ve already seen too much. You know me. You know what I want. The next few years will be calm, so you don’t have to worry. But, I do have a dream that I won’t give up.”
“...Yeah. Yeah. I get it.”
Ajax stops going down this train of thought as Shaula’s sharpened resolve snaps him out of it. He knows what she wants to do. His current feelings of emptiness are quite shallow indeed in comparison to her path. Things won’t work out for him if he lives half-heartedly.
He still cares about his future after all and still has people that he wants to make happy. He wants to show his family what he is capable of. He really does want to do that. He really does want to make them proud. Shaula sighs.
“You’ve heard the phrase ‘Victory has defeated you’?”
“Mask guy in that movie, right?”
“Yeah, him. That’s how it is for suburban kids like you. You get everything you need, everything you want, but some of you feel either entitled because of your little empire, or satisfied with being forgotten and lazy. You have a potential, Ajax, and you haven’t lived long enough to have squandered it.”
Shaula takes his hand and rubs her thumb on the back of his hand. She says the next words with a warm smile.
“I love you, Ajax. I love you, but I know you wouldn’t want to live my life. It’s just not for you. Live one that’s better, one with a bright future where you can make the ones you love proud.”
“...Right. I’m sorry, Shaula. I love you too. I-I didn’t mean to–”
“Let’s not have a pity party right now, it’s not about that. There are parts of what you said that’re true. A lot of things look hopeless right now. Perhaps that nightmare we both had is how things will really be. But, you don’t live for how things are going to be, you do what you want to do and wade through the mess.”
Shaula sighs, letting go of his hand. She crosses her arms.
“For better or worse Ajax, you’ve picked higher education, at Lower Dietrich no less.”
“...”
“I honestly don’t know if engineering is the right path for you, I’m not you. But it’s not the only path. You’re not locked in yet either, you can still switch out of chemical engineering or engineering in general, change schools… Fuck, you can even join a program like mine if you want. You have gotta do things in the right state of mind though.”
Shaula stops walking and looks Ajax straight in the eyes.
“You gotta learn the right lessons from your dreams. It seems like your dream is telling you to give up already, to take it easy. But, I don’t want that for you. I didn’t become your friend to watch you give up so easily. You want to take care of yourself and your family, right? You want your parents to retire earlier, right?”
This is one of the dreams that Ajax had told her about earlier. His parents both do so much for him, he wants them to not worry about themselves in their old age. He smiles.
He feels a bit better about his jumbled up thoughts now. Shaula was always really good at this, at setting his thoughts on the right track. Who knows how long she’s been thinking about things for herself too. She knows a thing or two, doesn't she?
Ajax and Shaula pause the conversation as they walk into Anne Bond. They make their way to their English classroom to the back where they normally sit and get themselves ready for the test.
If Ajax and Shaula were normal humans, if they didn’t have a much grander destiny, perhaps Ajax would have been able to pursue this path that he had set out for himself. Alas…
