Koda taps his fingers against the arm rest and teases with a sing-song lilt in his voice. “It’s not too late to back out… are you nervous?”

“No,” Aaron grins, raising a hand from the steering wheel to scratch at his scruffy goatee in the hopes of hiding his nervousness.

Koda narrows his eyes skeptically through his black rimmed glasses. Aaron reaches for him in the passenger seat and ruffles his short blonde hair. He shouts in protest and laughs, raising his hands to defend himself.

Aaron’s cherry red pickup breaks through the shade of the trees and the setting sun washes the car in a fiery glow. With a squint he turns off the highway and into the New Moon Tavern parking lot. He’d been here before, but never on a full moon night. The gravel crunches under his wheels as he finds a spot and grinds to a stop. Sitting back in his seat he folds his hands in his lap and takes a deep breath. His heart thuds rapidly in his chest and he knows Koda can hear it. Part of his heightened senses. Glancing to his right he sees his boyfriend looking down at his feet.

Aaron takes Koda’s hand and runs his thumb over his partner’s knuckles. He leans forward seriously and waits for the other boy to meet his gaze. Koda tilts his head in mock confusion. Aaron squeezes his hands knowingly, unable to help the warmth he feels spreading through him as he looks down at his partner and takes him in. His hands, his wrists, his waist, his lips, his eyes, his freckles. Aaron wanted him to know it was going to be okay. He didn’t have to be afraid. “Koda, you aren’t going to scare me off. I promise.”

With a playful shrug, Koda grins. Have his teeth already gotten sharper? “Is that a challenge? Because I bet I can scare you just fine.”

“Koda… I…” 

“It’s okay,” he nods with a shrug. “I’ll be fine.” 

Aaron bites his lip and suppresses the urge to snap at him, but the anger quickly gives way to a sinking loneliness. He wanted them to be a team tonight. Koda pushes his door open, leaving Aaron by himself in the truck. Taking a deep breath, he follows. 

On a normal night the tavern would be full of people eating and drinking. But tonight isn’t a normal night. Katharine is waiting for them inside and pulls Koda into a tight hug. “Raffe is in the back.” A thrill of excitement shoots through Koda and he dashes to enter the private lounge behind the bar.

Katharine folds her arms and nods at Aaron, her face expressionless. “How’re you doing?”

“Nervous,” He admits. Katharine always low-key scared him. And she probably should. You don’t become the leader of the local pack by being a pushover. But she also has a kindness to her that makes it clear she didn’t earn her station through strength alone. Besides, as she’d explained to Aaron before, you require different skills to lead a pack in the twenty-first century.

Katharine gestures towards the lounge and walks slowly alongside Aaron expectantly.

“I remember what we talked about. I’m ready.”

Katharine frowns. “We haven’t ever brought a human partner to a pack night like this. I want you to know how serious this is.”

“I know.”

“Remember to stay on the back deck. If you go down those steps I can’t guarantee your safety. And if anything happens, I will defend my family first.”

Aaron feels a panic rise in his chest and digs his fingernails into his palm. Why did Koda leave him by himself? He tries to give Katharine a reassuring smile but his lips remain pressed tightly together and it feels more like a wince.

“Stick with my sister, Kylie, and you should be alright,” Katharine gives him a surprisingly reassuring smile and pushes the door open for Aaron. As he enters the familiar lounge he sees Kylie putting on a backpack and Koda laying across several of his friends on the couch. One of them, Raffe, holds Koda’s head in his lap and runs his fingers through his hair. The three boys talk excitedly. They can all feel the night’s energy humming through the air, getting louder as the sky gets darker. “Alright,” Katharine claps. “Koda’s here, we need to carpool out to my place and catch up with the rest of the pack.”

During the ride to the cabin, Aaron resists looking back to talk to Koda. It almost feels like his boyfriend forgot about him when he saw his packmates. He shoves the thoughts from his mind and tries to focus on tonight. He’s here to learn and observe and support. He feels movement on the seat behind him as Kylie grips the leather and leans forward. “Nervous?” She asks Aaron with a knowing grin. He wishes people would stop asking him that. Instead of answering he smiles thinly.

Aaron tries to focus on the changing landscape, ignoring the roughhousing werewolves in the back. He knows he shouldn’t feel jealousy at the way Raffe was so comfortable touching Koda. It was different. They were wolves, not partners. But it doesn’t stop the lonely pit in his gut from deepening to the point where he feels his heart walking a tightrope. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. When they arrive a handful of trucks and vans sit parked along the sides of the long dirt driveway leading to the packhouse. The sun is blocked by the trees and as the purple streaked sky dims further, the bright moon overhead lights the way.

The cabin is inviting with yellow-orange light that reflects off the rich, wooden walls. Warm lamps light hanging photos of unfamiliar people. Aaron realizes this home must have been a part of the pack for several generations. A house for extended family to gather, with Katharine and her mate Allison as its matriarchs. Aaron feels Koda tremble next to him as he crosses the threshold and sees the open sliding doors to the backyard. The night beckons and he can smell his pack waiting, the familiar senses drawing a sympathetic twinge from deep within him. The wolf is pacing inside, eager to tear free. Unable to hide his anxiety any longer, he pulls Aaron aside and hugs him. Aaron squeezes him back, raising a hand to run through his hair. His familiar sweet puppy scent fills Aaron’s nose as he breathes in. “You okay, buddy?”

At first the shorter boy doesn’t respond, holding tightly to him as if he might disappear if he lets go. When Koda looks up to meet his gaze he has several tears streaming down his face. 

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

He takes a few deep breaths before he answers, silently working his way through the grounding exercises that Aaron taught him. “I’m scared that you won’t see me the same again.”

“Koda,” Aaron sighs, trying to find the right words. He should have asked Kat and Kylie for tips on how to reassure your werewolf boyfriend. “Things are going to change. But I can’t think that I would feel anything other than more love at seeing you. The real you.” He wipes the tears from Koda’s cheeks. “I swear I will be right here. I’m going to be on the porch waiting for you like we talked about.”

An audible rumble sounds from Koda’s gut and he groans, doubling over into Aaron’s arms. Koda could feel the wolf inside him trying to push its way out. It was time. “Ow… fuck. It always gets harder to hold in.”

“I know,” Aaron coaxes him. He didn’t know, really, but it felt like the right thing to say.

  “Outside,” Koda growls through gritted teeth. “Kat will be pissed if I change in here.”

Aaron gives his boyfriend another gentle squeeze, then guides his arm around him. “C’mere.” With Koda still doubled over, he helps him through the open sliding doors from the living room and onto the back deck.

There were already wolves pacing in the yard amongst humans who had yet to change in various states of undress. Clothing litters the furniture and railing of the deck. The wolves won’t need them. At the bottom of the stairs a naked man and woman hold each other’s faces in their hands as they kiss, a full moon night ritual. Koda straightens up and stretches, his muscles popping as he lets out another growl. The pain seems to have subsided for the moment. He removes his sweatshirt, wearing nothing else underneath. The night air is cool and he looks longingly down the steps towards his pack. Aaron traces his fingers over the lines of Koda's mastectomy scars. His battle scars, Koda had called them proudly. Koda looks up at Aaron and smirks. Aaron shakes his head in awe of his partner, leans in close and kisses him. 

Holding his cheeks in his hands, he circles his fingers into his boyfriend’s short, blonde hair. Koda gasps softly and his eyes close, encircling Aaron’s waist with his arms. Aaron’s breathing quickens and he sucks in air through his nose as he presses more deeply into the kiss, trying to convey the depth of his love through a single point of his body. When they break apart they’re both breathing heavily. Koda grins, steps back and drops his sweatpants, standing naked in the moonlight. He is eager to join his pack, but he steps forward to nuzzle against Aaron, leaning in and breathing in his scent one more time before he coyly licks his cheek and descends the stairs. Aaron watches his boyfriend’s ass move with each step and feeling his eyes, Koda gives him a raunchy wink.

A dark brown mass speeds from the group to tackle Koda, knocking him to the ground. Aaron tenses, ready to run in and help, but hears Koda laughing and watches him wrap his arms around the large wolf and wrestle him to the ground, burying his face in the animal’s scruff. That must be Raffe, Aaron realizes. The red lines from the creature’s claws are visible in the moonlight on Koda’s skin. He remembers how Katharine had tried to impress upon him how dangerous it was for him to be here and how he had to stay on the deck. If he stepped down there he would be putting his life into his own hands.

Aaron is startled from his thoughts as he hears Kylie stepping outside. She hands Aaron a blanket. He thanks her and they both sit in a couple of arm chairs that overlook the yard. Aaron watches the boy and wolf wrestle and feels Kylie’s eyes on him. “How are you feeling?” She asks.

At the question, Aaron’s eyes sting and he suddenly has words for the anxiety that’s been trying to burst through all evening. “I’m afraid. He’s going somewhere I can’t…”

He struggles to continue the thought and Kylie gives him a moment before asking, “Are you afraid that your love for him isn’t enough?”

“I don’t understand how I can be worth it. I’d give anything to be a part of this.” He gestures to the wolves milling about in the grass.

Kylie narrows her eyes with skepticism. “I think there’s a lot more you’d be signing up for than you realize.” When he doesn’t answer she softens. “You’re right that this is something that you can’t share. You’ll never be able to walk down those steps and be a part of his pack. But you will understand, with time. And Aaron… he wouldn’t have brought you here if he didn’t think your love was enough.”

Aaron lets out a shaky breath and laughs. “Fuck.”

“Fuck,” Kylie agrees and reaches next to her to put a comforting hand on his shoulder. She squeezes him gently. “I went through some of this with Kat. Her first change really surprised my family. But we got through it and we’re closer because of it.”

Aaron nods and smiles thinly. “I’m glad you're here.” 

Kylie nods and together they watch as Koda changes.

Does it hurt? Aaron had asked when Koda first told him about his monthly transformation.

Yeah, Koda had explained. It’s the most excruciatingly painful thing I’ve ever felt. But also, something about that feels right. Like, I spend so much time looking wrong, with people seeing me wrong. It’s such a relief to just tear it all off. Like the feeling of having a loose tooth that cuts into your gums each time you close your mouth and finally yanking it out. But… like… it’s everything.

Aaron had teased Koda, incredulous that something so painful could also be a welcome relief. He hated pain. They’d decided maybe it would make sense when Aaron was there to see it happen.

Koda is already on all fours when the change starts. His body spasms and he grunts, trying to remain still. Raffe brushes against him comfortingly and licks his cheek. A bloody tear stretches along Koda’s side and claws begin poking their way through the backs of his hands. A sudden kick from the inside of his legs causes him to lose his balance and he falls forward, his arms reaching to catch himself. Rather than landing on his hands, paws tear their way through his arms and catch him. His skin ripples and moves and suddenly he looks less like a human with something tearing its way from inside him and more like a dog trapped in a fleshy blanket. Sharp teeth bite their way through his flesh and what was Koda sinks to the feet of a large wolf, its white fur matted with blood. Shaking himself, the wolf takes a few steps away from the pile of flesh and begins licking at his fur.

Aaron takes a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it in. A few silent tears drop from his cheeks as his heart hammers in his chest. He knew what would happen, but seeing it was completely different. “Hey,” Kylie touches his shoulder again, her fingers squeezing him gently. “Remember, you’re here for Koda. Deep breaths.”

The touch brings him back from his spiraling thoughts and he takes deep, slow breaths. He remembers his love for Koda. The large, white wolf is letting the other, darker furred wolf lick the blood from his cheeks and face. Those animal, amber eyes turn to look at Aaron and he knows it can hear his thumping heart, smell his fear. Setting the blanket aside, he walks to the edge of the stairs and sits, crossing his legs, waiting for the wolf. Koda snaps at Raffe to make him stop, then licks his snout in apology before turning back to the stairs and beginning the climb. His nails click on the wood and he reaches the top quickly, deliberately, veering off to the side to avoid walking directly towards Aaron. When he reaches the top step, the wolf shrinks away and sits across from his partner.

Aaron turns his body to face him, surprised to be looking up at Koda’s snout. The wolf was taller than him while he sat on the ground. Still several feet away, Aaron’s heart races as he takes in the size and power of this creature. Worries that Aaron had tried to keep hidden rush to the forefront of his mind. What if Koda didn’t recognize him? Was Koda still in this… animal?

The wolf’s ears flatten and his tail tucks between his legs. He keeps his eyes averted, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. Aaron chokes back a sob as he realizes Koda is just as afraid as he is, if not more so. This beautiful, wild thing was afraid of what he thought because he was still Koda and he still loved him. Opening his arms, Aaron calls his name and the white wolf walks forward nervously, his head low to the ground. 

When he is close enough, Aaron reaches a hand forward to run his fingers through the wolf’s fur. It’s soft and thick. Koda licks his hand, the wolf’s tail wagging. “Koda,” Aaron calls him again. With a whine the wolf closes the last bit of distance between them and nuzzles into his neck. He wraps his arms around him and hugs him, reaching up to scratch at his head. “I love you,” He whispers over and over into the wolf’s ear. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He kisses the wolf’s head, his fur still smelling of puppy. Koda licks his neck and cheek, his whimpers no longer of fear but relief and joy. He was seen and he was loved.

Aaron holds Koda for as long as he can, but he knows he eventually has to let him go. Now that melancholy that tore at his heart wasn’t from the fear of Koda’s change, but instead the sadness that they had to part ways. Just for the night, Aaron reminds himself. Koda leaps back and bounces in a circle, then tilts his head back to bark with happiness. A few howls sound from below in answer and Aaron turns to see a red furred wolf lowering her muzzle. Their eyes lock and he doesn’t know how, but he recognizes her. It’s Katharine. Koda races down the stairs to rejoin his pack and dashes around her, bowing and lowering his head, his tail wagging submissively. She lowers her muzzle and sniffs at him, licking at one of his ears. When she finishes Koda trots off to find Raffe, who promptly tackles him.

It isn’t long before the rest of the pack changes, each shedding their flesh for fur. Katharine and her mate move quickly between them to check on each member of the group. When the alpha is satisfied, the sea of fur runs towards the woods and disappears in the darkness of the trees.

Koda hangs back for a moment longer, watching Aaron from across the yard. The night had gone better than he’d dared to hope. His boyfriend had been right, something had changed. Their relationship felt different: deeper, stronger, more real. And in that moment Koda decided he could never settle for anything less. Love without authenticity wasn’t real love. All the times he’d monitored his own behavior, hoping to mask any parts that might seem “too animal” for his human partner, he’d been afraid and never realized it. And now he would never be afraid again.

With a howl as full of affection and desire as Aaron’s kiss on the deck minutes before, he sings a deep, welcoming note that would make a human throat hoarse, then vanishes into the dark embrace of the autumn evening.