I’ve held my breath so many times now. The 22nd of April, the 6th of May, and now the 27th of May. She isn’t coming back now, I know that. But I still hold my breath every time. Because every time I have to be ready. Just in case. Just incase she comes back and I need to-

She comes back 

I will attack

Attack with words

She’ll fly like birds

But I’ll hold down

Bring her back to ground

For even if she cries to death

I won't be mute nor let she be deaf

They're not my words, they're not my words, they arent my words. I can’t feel that way I can’t. I can’t be so cruel and selfish, please god don't let them be my words, don't let me be so awful. Don't let me be so cruel. I don’t want to hurt her, I would never hurt her. It's just so much, but I would never- they're not my words. Please don't let them be my words.

They said I would do this because they knew I was a monster. They said I was hurting them, that I was abusing them and oh gods all I had been trying to do was talk about it. It hurt so much on the inside and talking about it made me hurt less, but I never wanted anyone else to hurt in my stead. So I stopped, I always stop when I see it hurts people, even if stopping means I hurt myself. So I stopped talking about it and kept hurting myself and they watched me tear myself apart, pretending not to notice my safety pins and my scars. They didn't call anyone for help, they didn't tell me to get help, they just watched and pretended not to see, because pretending that I was fine made them feel better.