Chapter 11

 

The next day was kind of weird, mum was still weepy and dad had to spend a lot of time on the phone with the police trying to arrange when we could get our stuff from the farm house and when we could go home.

 

Unfortunately, that meant when he wasn’t on the phone he was comforting mum so I was left to look after the girls again. I suppose that was better than being left just with my thoughts and nothing to distract me but it wasn’t that distracting and it was still annoying. None of the girls were exactly co-operative, they were all moody and grumpy. After an argument broke out in Skye and Summers hotel room dad turned us all out so we didn’t disturb other people so much. We found a nearby park and installed ourselves there, Summer choosing to do her own thing on the playground equipment while the rest of us huddled on the benches under one of the parents shelters.

 

I guess that the importance of what had happened was lost on Summer though she said she knew it was serious. I’ve heard it said that kids take things in their stride easier than those that are more grown up so I couldn’t tell at the time if it was just that or if she was hiding her feelings the way it seemed she had taken to doing most of the time. Skye seemed to be quite good at distracting Jessica with talk about some band they were both into and the general kind of gossip that the girls at school were always twittering about. Although they were all huddled together looking at things on Jess’ phone, I noticed that Amelia was mostly just hanging out on the edge of the conversation, being a lot quieter than her usual self. I felt a bit left out as I sat there with them but at the same time felt happier than if I had been left alone in the hotel room. I also felt responsible for the girls, splitting my attention between Summer and the trio with their heads all close together near me.

 

I noticed Amelia was kicking something around in the gravel with her toe and didn’t take too much notice, figuring that she was probably just as bored as me. It was when she glanced around to make sure that no one was watching before she bent down to pick up whatever it was she’d been kicking that I first paid attention. As she picked it up I saw it sparkle in the sunlight and realised it was a piece of glass. I still didn’t think much of it but something started to nag at the back of my mind as I watched her examine it carefully before wrapping it in a tissue and putting it in her pocket. I thought it was odd that she was keeping it but I guessed that she probably wanted to put it in the bin for safety and just couldn’t be bothered to move that far at the time.

 

It took me a while to tease the nagging thought out of my subconscious, but I eventually realised that I should worry more about it. The memory of her sitting on the toilet seat with blood running down her leg and trying to hide the fact that she was holding dad’s straight razor suddenly came clear in my head and I realised what she wanted the glass for.

 

Knowing she was quite sensitive about who knew of her self-harm, I thought it was better not to confront her infront of everyone but made up my mind that I was going to get the glass off her and stop her from harming with it. Getting her on her own took time though as she didn’t seem inclined to leave Jess’ side.

 

She was sitting on one of the swings, Jess and Skye having leapt up to chase Summer for something she’d said, when I managed to finally get her on her own. Amelia was moving herself back and forth with one foot, not quite fully swinging but not staying still while she stared at the ground. The blue stripe in her hair shimmered and contrast vividly with the dark of her natural colour, it occurred to me that I hadn’t really seen her with her without her hair up in its usual pony tail before and she was actually quite pretty with it down.

 

I lent against the thick wooden beam that held up one end of the swings and waited for her to say something. She ignored me though I’m sure she knew I was there. I was vaguely aware that I had to be at least a little more sensitive about it than just demanding she hand the piece of glass over but I didn’t really know how I was supposed to open the conversation.

 

“Umm…” Was the best thing I could say, she glanced sideways at me from under her hair.

 

“If you’re going to ask me how I’m doing, don’t bother.” She snarled in the same moody way she had when I’d first seen her in the bathroom, which suddenly seemed such a long time ago.

 

“I wasn’t going to.” I replied, immediately defensive.

 

“Thank god for that, seems its all your dad knows how to say. He asks every time he sees us… My mother was just murdered by my ass wipe excuse of a father, how’s he fucking think I’m doing? No worries, I’m fucking fine, everything’s fucking peachy thank you uncle!”

 

“I want you to give me that piece of glass.”

 

“Huh? W,what piece of glass?” She demanded looking round but not fooling me in the slightest.

 

“The glass you picked up earlier and put in your pocket, I saw you pick it up. I know you’re planning to use it to cut yourself with.” I wanted to be sarcastic but it came out more evenly as I called her bluff. She stared at me with an unreadable look on her face as her foot moved the swing back and then forward again, as it reached its lowest point she surged to her feet and stood very close as though she was trying to threaten me. It didn’t work because I’m taller than she is.

 

“Tosser” she spat at me.

 

“Thank you.” I smiled showing that I wasn’t at all intimidated or upset by the insult. I held my hand out. “The glass please.”

 

“What is it to you? Not like me cutting hurts you.” She flared, the look on her face settling in to anger that I could feel coming off her in waves.

 

“Not physically no. You’re going to be living with us though so its up to me to look out for you, same as I do for my sisters, even if it means I have to protect you from yourself.”

 

“Oh right, sure, just like you protected your sister when she was raped by the boy next door.” She snapped. “I’m old enough to look after myself thank you. That’s what this whole thing has taught me, I can’t rely on anyone except me and Jess. Everyone else is going to do exactly as they want, no matter how it affects anyone else so that’s what I’m going to do too. If you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself. If I wanna cut, I’m gona cut.” She pulled the glass from her pocket and I could see how she’d wound the tissue round one end to make a handle, leaving the sharpest edge out like a small knife.

 

She moved to stab the point into her own arm as I guessed what she was going to do and moved to snatch it from her. The sharp edge bit into my fingers as I grabbed it and tried to wrestle it away from her, attempting to twist it out of her grasp and away from her arm. I’m not the strongest among the guys at school but I know I’m stronger than Skye so I was reasonably confident I could get the glass. As we tussled for the shard, Amelia’s grip surprised me by being stronger than I expected, she also fought dirty, aiming a knee at my crotch in a bid to make me let go. Blood from my fingers made the glass slippery so although I avoided the blow, she managed to whip the glass out of my grip. The force she used made the glass catch her other arm and the sharp part glided along it, leaving a shallow cut in its wake which turned crimson as her blood welled up into it.

 

“You fucking wanker.” She yelled at me.

 

“I didn’t do it, you did. I thought it’s what you wanted to do anyway.” I bellowed back, not understanding how it had suddenly become my fault as I examined the small cuts on my fingers.

 

“I only needed to know I could feel something.” She mumbled, I looked up at her face, deciding the cuts on my fingers weren’t important. I could see her bottom lip trembling as she tried not to start crying. On impulse I reached out and pulled her into a hug, not knowing how else to deal with the situation. The dam burst and she began to sob uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face as she slowly moved to cling to me, fiercely holding me tight as she bawled.

 

I felt a bit awkward standing there holding her and letting her cry but I thought it was the best to just let her cry as much as she needed to so I didn’t make any attempt to stop her. Mum had always gone on about how it was a natural part of life and there was nothing wrong with crying, even for a man. I don’t know what it is, maybe its something that is programmed into us but there is just something about someone crying, especially if it’s a woman. I felt a strong desire to protect her and make her forget the things that made her sad enough to cry like that. She seemed so defenceless and vulnerable. I could smell the shampoo in her hair and although I realised it was a strange thing to notice, somewhere in my brain I registered the small growth of her hair between the blue dye and her scalp.

 

Even when she’d eventually stopped crying Amelia clung to me as though she were drowning and I were the last rock before the waterfall.

 

“I’m sorry.” She sniffed. “I am supposed to be strong for Jess. And I’m blubbering like this all over you. Probably better if I don’t feel anything.”

 

“Don’t be an idiot. I think its just that you’re feeling more than you want to admit. You don’t have to be strong for anyone, its ok to cry when you need to.”

 

“Why did he do that though? Why? I’m so confused. The more I try and work it out, the more numb I get.”

 

“Can you feel me hugging you?” I asked her, making my arms tighter around her.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Next time you’re not sure you can feel anything, come to me and I’ll hug you so you know you can still feel things. You don’t need to hurt yourself. That will just hurt everyone around you. You’ve already made a mess of my favourite hoody so it won’t make a difference if you do it again.” I felt her laugh a little.

 

“Wanker, worrying about your hoody.” She murmured with a much brighter tone in her voice.

 

“I’m more worried about you.” I said sternly. “Seriously, please don’t hurt yourself, I told you in the bathroom, I’ve tried that, it really doesn’t help anything.” She straightened up and looked searchingly at my face.

 

“You’re not lying are you? Why did you cut?” I shrugged

 

“Felt like I needed to punish myself so I tried cutting myself on purpose.”

 

“How did you stop then? I tried stopping before but I just have to do it.”

 

“I realised that it didn’t actually do anything but make me feel worse because I had to hide it so no one worried. I don’t want you to feel worse, I don’t want you to have to hide how you feel. Mum says it’s important to let feelings be free.”

 

“She’s going to get so pissed if she sees you hugging me though.”

 

“No, she’s a great believer in hugs so she probably won’t even think about it.”

 

“I can’t believe that you’re the first guy that’s ever hugged me.”

 

“Why can’t you believe it?”

 

“I thought that being family it would be different. It feels nice though, kinda right.” She smiled a little distantly. “Daddy would have a fit if he saw.”

 

“He can’t do anything about it though, I’m here whenever you need a hug.” I was saying as I noticed the others walking towards us, they were laughing and chattering about something as they walked so I was fairly sure they hadn’t seen the fight that we’d had. I almost let my arms drop but took hold of her hand and brought her arm up so I could examine the cut on it. Being shallow it hadn’t bled a lot and the blood was already drying. Quickly shrugging off my hoody I held it out for her.

 

“If you put that on the others won’t know about the cut.” I offered. She looked at me for a moment as though she couldn’t believe I’d think of something like that. She took the hoody and hastily put it on, pulling it gingerly over the cut. The hoody was big and baggy on me so it looked even bigger on her slender frame.

 

Amelia wiped her eyes and nose on the sleeve of my hoody as she saw the others comming, turning to face them with a smile as though nothing had happened. Summer glanced at me in question, but no one actually said anything about the obvious signs that Amelia had been crying, Skye suggested that it was probably a good time to head back to the hotel for lunch though.

 

Once back at the hotel, I shoed the others away to find mum and dad while I made Amelia show me the cut on her arm again, I was concerned that she had picked the glass up from the ground so there could have been all kinds of germs and things on it that she had let into her system and could make her ill. I didn't have any disinfectant that I could lay my hands on but the soap in the dispenser said it was antibacterial so I hoped that would be enough. As I washed the cut with clods of wet tissue and one of the pristine white towels the hotel put in the bathrooms, I found out by accident just how ticklish Amelia was. Even though I was as gentle as I could be she squirmed and wriggled every time I moved something across her arm.

 

"Stop being a wuss, it can't hurt that much." I grumbled at her as I had to grip her arm harder to stop her wriggling out of my grasp.

 

"It's not that it hurts, you're tickling me." She grumbled back. "I don't like being tickled." I raised an eyebrow and filed the information away for another time. When the cut was as clean and dry as I could make it I let her go and told her to put my hoody on again so the others wouldn't see it. I looked at the red streaks of blood that were left on the towel and wondered what I could do to make it less obvious.

 

"Leave it by the door, the cleaner will think one of us is having a period that's all." Amelia offered.

 

"What if mum or dad see it first though?" I asked.

 

“I'll tell Jess about it over lunch and she'll help cover for me."

 

“How is Jess coping really?” I asked as we slipped out of the twins room into the hallway. I’d hoped we wouldn’t be noticed but the rest of the family were already walking along the corridor and saw us. Amelia didn’t reply at all, just made some kind of non-committal sound and beamed at mum and dad as though she’d never been happier in her life.

 

Mums eyes were red where she’d been crying and dad looked tired, he had big black marks under his eyes and it felt like I hadn’t noticed how much grey was in his hair before. He gave me a look that questioned why I was coming out of the twins room but he didn’t actually ask so I chose to pretended I didn’t see it. We were shown to a large round table in the restaurant near the middle where it was difficult to have a private conversation. Everyone was sombre and no one seemed inclined to chat as we all sat there waiting for our food to be cooked. Jess glanced up at me a couple of times as she sat close to Amelia and I realised they were somehow communicating silently, I wished I could join in on the conversation but I guessed it was something only twins could do.

 

Dad leant forward putting his forearms on the table in a gesture my sisters and I called his “listen to me” pose and we all knew meant he was taking charge.

 

“I’m sorry our holiday got ruined folks. Willow and I will try and make it up to you next year so we’re open to suggestions about where you might all want to go. More immediately though the police have said that we can go home now so we’ll head home after lunch. I know there’s a lot that is going to change having Jessica and Amelia moving in with us but let’s all try and make it work ok?” He looked round at each of us to make sure we all understood. I felt that the whole thing had been unnecessary, but I guessed that he was trying to make the twins feel welcome and like part of the family.

 

“What about all our stuff at the farmhouse?” Jess asked quietly as dad caught her eye.

 

“I’m afraid that the police can’t say when they can release it yet so they say they will return it to us at home as soon as they can.”

 

“What do we do though? I haven’t even got my charger for my phone, I need that.” She flared “and what’s going to happen to daddy? Or our house and our stuff at our house? You can’t just kidnap us to your house and leave us without anything!” Mum reached across and put a hand on Jessica’s arm in what was meant to be comforting way, I thought for a moment that Jess was going to pull away but after glaring at the hand for a moment she let mum comfort her.

 

“I know its hard dear, there’s a lot of things that we have got to work out. I’ve already spoken to Grandpa Walker and he has a spare key to your house so they will let us in and help us sort everything out, in the meantime, I’m afraid that you’ll have to borrow some clothes from Skye, we will work it all out. I can see the stress your auras are under so I know it’s difficult for you, I’ll help you re-align your chakras and mix some aroma-therapy sachets for you when we get home to help you deal with everything.”

 

“Where are they going to sleep though?” Summer asked a little suspiciously “I’m not moving out of my room.”

 

“I thought maybe if we sort out the spare room then they could have that room and make it their own, we can eventually divide it in two for you but for a little while you’d have to share it I’m afraid, its quite a big room though so I’m sure you can work it out between you.” mum said apologetically as though she were offering them the worst room in the house.

 

Although there was more chatter through dinner, I didn’t take a lot of notice. I was more concerned about Amelia and at the thought of going home I was plotting how I would deal with Jimmy, I knew that getting him on his own was going to be the hardest part.

 

The drive home was long and boring. I had my headphones on but I had to share the back seat with Skye and Summer so I neither had enough room for my legs nor a comfortable place to lean. Summer nabbed the seat nearest the window and stared out at the passing road for a while before she got carsick and curled up to lay her head in my lap and go to sleep, leaving me with even less room for comfort. Skye sat the other side of me, as close up against the side of the van as she could so I could have more room but after a while she also fell asleep, leaning on my shoulder while the twins had the seat in front of us. Not having my psp to distract me and not being able to move much because of my sisters, I had little to distract me from my thoughts. I was even more uncomfortable when Summer lay down, between her head and the vibrations of the van, I developed a persistent wood that I couldn’t move to a more comfortable position or will away.

 

By the time we got home, I felt tired, sick, horny as all hell and was grouchy, wanting nothing more than to retreat to my room and shut the real world out with a computer game for a while. I’m not really much of a computer gamer, I usually have other things to do, so my computer has never been great but I had discovered that it was a good way to distract myself when I need to, I really hoped that it wouldn’t be long before I got my guitar back.