I felt so cold. I didn’t think I could still last for long.

I sensed my limbs growing numb bit by bit till I was no longer able to move them. On second thought, it wasn’t such a big deal, since it didn’t make much of a difference. I have dragged this broken body for so many years now. Maybe the time has already come for me to take my leave.

I didn’t really have any regrets, and I was so tired. My corpse felt so heavy as if all the worries of the word were hanging from my shoulders and burdening them… or perhaps it might be this heavy snowfall that was making this weak body of mine all cold and shivering none stop. The only thing I could do was reassuring myself while thinking it’ll soon come to an end, which reminded me it wasn’t actually the first time I was experiencing that kind of situation.

A long time ago.

I was younger at that time and my health was somewhat better.

The world was all painted in white on that winter day, compared to the darkness I’ve been drowning in since then.

It was so bright my eyes were stinging.

The temperature went so frigid I even had trouble breathing.

I could hear my joints cracking with every step I took.

The wind blew, the snowstorm was grounding severely in the mountain path and I was crawling there alone. Everyone else should have long since gained their homes to hide from the upcoming blizzard. The elderly gathered the carefree youngster, the parents held their children to warm and protect them from the coldness of the cruel season and I myself as a servant, as well as an orphan, was sent out to gather some wood sticks. My masters feared they would run out of.

It would be a great inconvenience for them… to have the music room, the dance room and the extra playrooms inaccessible in such circumstances. Wouldn’t it be a pity if they could not manage to alleviate their boredom; if they could not go play chess after being fed up with gossiping about the latest rumors, or if they could not play some Zither after finishing their dance practice?

How would I know, I never really experienced such a feeling before, I never had the opportunity of being idle. Not to mention being bored with laziness, sometimes I wouldn’t even have time to eat or sleep.

But that was the situation I was in before going through that snowfall. Since that day, all my life started crumbling apart. I didn’t think it was possible to fall lower than the soil but somewhat I even managed to sink even deeper so as to never stand up again, literally.

Although I didn’t die on that day and managed to get back to my masters’ residence and eventually got scolded for returning empty-handed, they became even more irritated since I was so impolite I fainted while they were still in the middle of their speech, not letting them vent more of their frustrations on me. But they still had some conscience and were kindhearted enough to let me recover from the scorching fever that I had contracted while even providing me with free water and bread for half a month instead of firing me right away.

At the end of that period of time, I still didn’t die and the fever finally went down. However, it took with it my sight, my legs and most of my vitality. Since I would have been better off dead than alive, the masters finally decided to get rid of me and sent for their people to drive me out.

I really thought I would die then and there, but I was unexpectedly picked up by an old vagabond. At first, I was scared and confused about my situation. Living in a deep and dark abyss without being able to see the light anymore, adding to that not being able to move around at will was very hard to accept and adapt to. Nevertheless, I couldn’t possibly travel on foot even if I was still able to walk since I had become blind. Moreover, I couldn’t live and take care of myself alone anymore. Thus I needed to find someone to depend on.

I don’t know if it was because of pity or what, but from that day onwards, that man started carrying me with him everywhere he went. I often asked him why he would bother to care for a deadweight as myself. However, he would always refute that, saying I was quite useful for his business since I would easily attract people’s goodwill while begging for the money that he would ultimately get from me. He added that I wasn’t that heavy to carry to begin with, since I have lost so much weight from my previous illness. He said that he wouldn’t bother with me for a very long time anyway, as my health was not so good and I was likely to kick the bucket very soon. He had always had such harsh words; I can still remember his hoarse voice calling my name and his scabrous and icy hands while he was carrying me.

Paradoxically, I felt very warm in that period of my life. Those were actually the happiest days I’ve ever had.

Time went on so fast. Many years later, even if I was still alive, this simple happiness of mine finally came to an end, since the day of that old man’s death.

On that day, I cried out at once, shedding heavy tears for that suddenly departing fellow who abandoned me so soon, for my miserable life and for this laughable fate of mine. Luckily, while traveling with that old man, I gained some useful surviving skills that I somewhat managed to employ. Even if I thought it was meaningless, I still dared to defy the havens, trying to make this desolate existence I was leading last a bit longer.

But next came winter, and because of an unfortunate misstep, here I am now waiting for the heavens to take me back.

I reckon I should have died on that snowy white day many years ago. All that came after was an unending hell, not only for me but also for that vagabond who shouldn’t have met that sorry end, if it wasn’t for me burdening him up. Even if he never admitted it, I believe he still held some tenderness for me. He really did take good care of me for such a long time and I am truly grateful for that. However, I wasn’t able to pay off this heavy debt, till the end.