Kantos, Fifth Scion of the Celestial Chorus, Keeper of the Immortal Fire, Progenitor of the World Turtle, and the Bringer of Truth and Light, stretched in his bathtub, playing with the bubbles. He had been having the most annoying few months of his long existence. An idiot subordinate mishandled a reincarnation to such a degree that not even traces of the reincarnated soul could be located. As such, Kantos had been traipsing all over the multiverse like some sort of interdimensional hobo. Worse, everywhere he went, someone wanted something.

‘How is it possible that celestial beings cannot manage their own affairs!’

And his reward for all that nuisance? Zilch. So far, all he had discovered was that half the anomalous readings in the multiverse could be traced back to planetary guardians being unable to keep it in their pants.

‘If I find any more demigods running amok, so help me, I will permanently remove all of my subordinates' dangly bits.’

Further driving his frustration were the Eldritch. They were being sneaky and obviously tense, but the bastards couldn’t be tracked by divine methods, so he was just left guessing their intentions. His hands were tied from a more… direct questioning by the Kilmer Accords.

Kantos willed the water to another boil, letting the heat soak into his bones (which had been specially created for the occasion). Dreading the inevitable, he looked at his watch.

‘Ugh, back to work’.

With a thought, the bathtub disappeared, and he was upright, sporting a bespoke three piece suit. He waited briefly, then checked his watch again. ‘Tardy to his first status report, this can’t be good.’ Kantos waved his hand, summoning his afternoon meeting.

“-fford to be late,” the newly crowned god of Earth finished.

“No, you certainly can’t,” Kantos chided, emphasizing his annoyance.

“Ah, yes. Sorry sir. You see- I was- There was some revers-”

“Save it. Just give me the update.”

“Yes, sir.” The cherub gulped. “My plan for earth hit a few roadblocks… My herald’s message of peace and love was met with near universal condemnation. Communists said it was capitalist propaganda. Capitalists said it was a communist plot. Every religion declared the herald a false prophet, and then some people on the internet started drawing oversexualized images of him in compromising positions with other men. The only ones who believed him were something called “Q-anon,” which only made everyone else reject him more. In the end, I had to erase everyone’s memories and restore the planet to a month prior.”

Kantos smiled. ‘I forgot how young this one is.’

“Listen... Uh… what's your name again?”

“Charlie.”

“Listen Charlie, Wait, you’re Charlie the Cherub?”

He cast his eyes down and shifted uncomfortably, “Yes sir.”

“Ahem, well, Charlie, Have you been keeping on top of the reincarnations?”

“Yes, sir”

“Have there been any Eldritch or other extradimensional incursions?”

“No sir.”

“Have there been any apocalyptic events?”

“No, sir.”

“Then you're doing fine. A lesson we all learn is that lower life forms cannot be neatly shepherded. Helping them is messy work.” Kantos manifested a hand beside Charlie to pat his shoulder reassuringly.

“Now get back there and keep at it.”

“Yes sir.” Charlie bowed slightly and vanished into nothingness.

******************

Lydia and I moved from store to store with no luck. I could not find any books listing skills, skill acquisition methods, or magic spells. Even theoretical works were absent, although I suspected that that had more to do with demand than any desire to keep secrets. No matter the world, no one is interested in an academic paper. Fortunately, I was able to find histories, almanacs, and books on etiquette: things that a barbarian sportsman (or deranged hermit) would need to be able to mix with high society. I casually began to clear out entire store shelves of anything I thought I could potentially use. I had unlimited storage, so it was better to have and not need than to need and not have. Again, I arranged to have the books delivered to the hotel, so as to not bring attention to my inventory system.

We continued to search the city, our failure leaving me more and more frustrated. Eventually, as Lydia and I progressed to lower class neighborhoods, we passed a building unlike any that surrounded it. It was made entirely of dark wood, instead of the usual polished stone. The building was squat and boxy, looking like it would be more at home in the wilderness than in civilization. Grime was caked over the entire edifice. A giant sign perched above its door: Mr. Magum's Mystery Emporium.

Fascinated, I turned to Lydia. “Do you have any idea what that is?”.

“If I had to guess, it's Mr. Magum's Mystery Emporium.”

I glared at her.

“Why do you think I know everything? I’ve never been to this city before.”

“…Well, it looks interesting. Let’s check it out.”

“Interesting is definitely a word that could describe it. As is creepy. And diseased. But, it does seem more fun than another book store.”

“Book stores are awesome. Only thing better is a library.”

“You’re a nerd.”

“And you’re a meathead.”

We laughed, and I approached the entrance. Upon opening the door, I was greeted by the sounds of an argument. A short, rotund man dressed in a top hat and what resembled the red outfit of a circus ringmaster was running around the room, dodging another man’s attempts to grab him.

“Louis, you got what you wanted, didn’t you,” the portly man shouted as he ducked under the other man’s arm.

“Magum! Every morning, my wife grows a beard that is thicker than mine!”

“But her gout is gone!”

“I’ll kill you!”

At that point, Magum failed to evade Louis, whose hands clasped around Magum’s throat.

“I can give you a refund!” Magum squealed.

“Put her back the way she was!”

“I told you the cure had risks, I’m not sure if I- '' The large man slammed his fist into Magum’s face.

 

Blood began to pour out of Magum’s nose.

‘Ugh. I can’t actually let this guy get killed… right? Do I intervene? Come on Noah, man up and act like a protagonist.’

I strode forward and clamped my hand down on Louis' shoulder, applying pressure. Immediately, he lost his grip on Magum and dropped to his knees.

‘Finally starting to get a handle on how much force is enough.’ I inwardly cheered.

“Pal, I can imagine your frustration but perhaps there is another way of handling it,” I said, trying to diffuse the situation.

The man struggled, shaking violently from side to side, trying to escape my grasp. His inability to break free only caused him to thrash harder.

“Let go of me, you son of a bitch! This is between me and that charlatan!”

“Yes, I understand, but I have business here and if you kill him, then I can’t buy anything,” I lied. The man gripped my hand, trying to pry my fingers open, having no success whatsoever.

After he struggled in vain for a dozen seconds, I said, “I’m pretty sure I have a couple dozen levels on you. That obviously isn’t going to work, so please stop.” He begrudgingly complied.

I turned my head to the short man, who was wiping the blood from his face. “You’re Magum, I presume?”

“Yes! Yes! Thank you sir,” he sputtered in a high pitched voice.

“Is there anything here that you are certain would reverse this man’s wife’s… unfortunate situation.”

“From my shop… I hesitate to offer anything, my concoctions can be… unpredictable.” Louis roared at him. “But a trip to the Kantar sanctuary should work!”

“If I could afford that, I wouldn’t have come to you in the first place?”

I looked at Magum, “Can you foot his bill?”

Magum coughed and sputtered, “well, I’m having a slight liquidity issue at the moment.”

I sighed. “How much would it cost?”

“1 GSU” Lydia interjected. “It’s a luxury service. Though, as a benefit, she’d be fine by dinner tonight.”

“There is nothing cheaper that would work?” I asked, turning my head to Magum

“Well… because it's the result of an… unsuccessful alchemy project… It could be a bit tricky.”

‘I’m not fucking Santa Claus, I’m not fucking Santa Claus, I’m not fucking Santa Claus.’

“Okay, I have a solution. I will give you,” I squeezed the man’s shoulder for emphasis, “one GSU for her treatment. Then, you leave and never return.”

I scowled at Magum. “And you will give me 1.1 GSUs in store credit.”

“That’s highway rob-”

“I could just let my new found friend go and leave the store.”

“-a very reasonable offer.” Magum finished.

“Does that work for you?” I asked, relaxing my hold on Louis, but not letting go.

“Yes, It does.” The man said, easing the tension in his muscles. I released my grip on him. He stood up and faced me. I nodded to Lydia to hand him a coin.

“Thank you.” The man said, his voice full of genuine gratitude. “My wife has been completely beside herself… This will really help.” He extended his arm and shook my hand.

“By the way, you have a hell of a grip there. I’m an initiate at the Kalinko Dojo. Very entry level, but you should stop by there sometime. We are always looking for promising recruits and you could likely be promoted straight to inner or even core disciple.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I was already salivating at the idea of ripping off an entire martial arts style in a day.

With that, Louis placed the coin in his pocket and departed the store.

I turned to Magum. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, even if I had to suffer the indignity of a refund.”

“Better than the indignity of a crushed trachea.”

He studied my expression carefully. “Quite.”

Magum took a breath and changed his tone to that of a carnival barker, “My friend, welcome to Mr. Magum’s Mystery Emporium. We have all manner of curios, potions, and ancient artifacts: from Lapris to Segnaram, big to small, extraordinary to ordinary. All who come can fulfill their every desire. That’s our guarantee.”

At the last word, I chuckled. “You may need to update your spiel.”

"His desire was fulfilled. There were just some… unintended side effects. So, what brings you here today?”

“Do you have anything in the way of skill books or magical tomes?”

Magum’s eyes shifted around the store. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a pen and began scribbling something while he talked. “Of course not. Selling such things would be highly unethical. I’m offended that you would even think to ask me such a thing.” He handed me the paper. “I’m afraid, as a decent and honest citizen, that I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He winked before shooing me out with his hands. Lydia and I followed his command and left the store.

“What an odd little man,” Lydia said, while I unfolded the paper.

Go to 350 Doxen Ave in the old quarter, next Friday at Midnight. Codeword: Oxarium Brandy. Consider our debt settled.