I am aware I have not updated this in a few days now, but I didn’t feel the need to in the meantime. Nothing new or exciting has happened to me, for the most part. The most interesting thing to happen was when Carson ate a whole steak completely raw. It was disgusting, yet fascinating to watch him do so. He hasn’t even gotten sick since then, which is the most shocking part of all.
But of course, on New Year's Eve, something finally happened. My only plan for the night was getting as drunk as possible, but that changed once we arrived at the countdown party, which, as always, is in the Netherlands.
-
The party was loud, louder than Aaron would’ve preferred otherwise. He was only on his first glass of brandy, and if he could help it, it wouldn’t be his last. Drowning the sound of the party and his own thoughts in alcohol seemed heavenly at the moment.
It wasn’t only the noise, because it never was. The smell was the truly overwhelming, pungent smell of marijuana. Aaron couldn’t be sure if it was Carson or the host of this party and Carson’s ex-boyfriend, Sem, that had provided it, but he knew it had to be either of them.
Speak of the Devil, Sem was approaching Aaron right now. Aaron could tell it was him, no one else in the house had such a memorable and interesting appearance. He had soft light blue eyes, strawberry blond hair, and one of the most attractive bodies Aaron had even seen. He was a little chubby, but if anything, that made him even more attractive to Aaron. He was adorable. Maybe that’s why he stuck out so much to Aaron, who was by all accounts, an ugly bastard.
“Aaron!” Sem cried, waving at him. Aaron blushed, a small smile spreading across his lips as he looked down at the shorter man.
“Hey, Sem. What is it…?”
“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say hello.”
“Well, hello. I hope you’re enjoying this party, Sem.” Aaron said, deciding to be kind to the host of this party, despite him not having a very good time himself.
“I can’t say I am. It’s a lot of work to make sure no one is destroying my house… but you didn’t look like you were having a good time, and we can’t have that! Do you want more brandy?”
Aaron nodded, and held his almost empty glass so Sem could pour him another glass, which he did as fast as he could. Aaron downed the entire glass in one quick gulp.
“Thank you.”
Sem smiled as he went back to the other patrons of the party. Aaron watched him walk away, keeping his eye on Sem throughout the party despite saying nothing. Aaron couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off of him. He didn't even want more drinks at that point. He only wanted to stare at Sem. He was so cute.
He’d be just as cute laying on your desk, ass up as you pound into him.
Aaron gulped, going to get another drink. Why did he think that? He didn’t knew Sem! And yet he was already thinking sexual thoughts about him. Aaron began avoiding Sem as much as possible… but whenever his mind wandered even slightly, his mind went back to Sem in all kinds of poses. The very thought made his pants tighten.
Aaron felt more and more awful the longer this went on. Eventually he just left the party and returned home, not wanting anyone to see the unfortunate situation going on in his pants.
-
That man, Sem, is so fucking cute. He was helpful and kind in the few minutes I saw him… he is just the type of man I’m interested in. One that has good character. The irrational, awful part of my brain already wants to fuck him. Or maybe I want him to fuck me, that’s usually the reason I’m so damn awkward in front of other men. Yeah
Either way, I’m a terrible person. Hookups are bad. I’m bad, so awful. My mother would hate me showing such an attraction to another man, especially one so far beneath my own status. The worst part is I could not keep it a secret, like that man in the bar. If I am having sexual relations with Sem, one of my mother’s will find out within five minutes and shut it down.
And that’s implying Sem would even like me. He likely would not. I'm not the person people want for my body, or my mind. People want me because of my money and my family’s status. I understand why, I’m an imbecile and completely incompetent, always failing at everything I do, like mother said.
Fuck, I think the fireworks went off. Happy 2011.
-Aaron H. Washington
This entry is stained with circular marks that appear to be tear stains.
January 1, 2011
After yesterday, I definitely couldn’t stay in Europe for very long. I got the first possible ticket home, and I’m currently waiting in the airport. I miss the days when I could get on a plane like it was nothing, and I didn’t have to sit here for hours upon hours, going through many levels of security. But I guess this is just the post-September 11th word I’m living in.
It’s crazy to think that was almost a decade ago. To me it still feels like it was yesterday.
I’m just glad to be going home for now. But I know that I will have to come back if either of my mothers request for me to come, unfortunately. I’m not exactly pleased about that, the constant pressure of having to pack up my life back in America to please my parents.
I wish I could escape them. Honestly, I think I’d be better off without my family.
No, that’s an awful thing to say. I love my family, and they’re very important to me. They are so tiring sometimes… It gets exhausting quickly. I prefer my quiet mansion quite a bit. It’s a good place to collect my thoughts and relax, with less constant worry about how my mother and mère will respond to my life…
I often find myself wishing I could have supportive, loving mothers who appreciate me and love me just for being… Aaron. Not for all the money and resources I provide the family. I wish that were the case, but I know it’s not. I know that mother and mère will likely never fully understand or support me.
And sure, it’s depressing, but it’s how life is in the Washington Family. What am I supposed to do, find a way to make them love me? I can only dream of such a thing, unfortunately.
I know I will always have my brother, Carson has always been supportive of me… but I’d feel so annoying if I tried to reach out to him for a stupid reason like my emotions. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind but it just feels like… I am the eldest. I’m meant to be responsible son, and yet I can’t seem to act that way, I can’t seem to set a good example, and I can’t deal with my own damn emotions.
I would feel weak. I hate feeling weak. I refuse to let it ever happen again. Who cares if I’m a little depressed, anyway? If I can’t deal with my emotions on my own, you may as well call me Miss Erin Washington.
I’m a man, so I should act like it, damn it! Why am I on the verge of tears in an airport?!
I want to keep it together so much. I want to be the good son, the good brother, the good person that everyone expects me to be… but I can’t. Whenever I try I fail miserably. The only person I’ve ever dominated was my worker, who had no choice in the matter. No wonder my mother’s are so disappointed in me. No wonder I’m crying in public right now. I’m no man at all.
-Aaron H. Washington
