Chapter 13:

Fuzzy Memory

I can't really remember much about my childhood. Everything before the age of ten gets fuzzy. It wasn't that I couldn't recall anything. Some memories were vivid, but everything just melded together. Made it hard to truly know how old I was when certain things happened. I could only guess.

"I keep having a sense of deja vu," The rain pattered against the glass, my head pressed against its cool surface.

Memories of my life always melded together. It was hard to keep track of and know when something happened. So, something that happened yesterday, seems like it was last week, but feels like last month. It was a miracle I could even remember what day of the week it was, and even that I had difficulty with.

My fingers tapped upon my leg in intervals. Pinky, ring finger, middle, pointer. Repeating, over and over again. That same leg moving its foot at the start of each interval. It was a tic I picked up when I was anxious. There was something that rainy days always made me think of, but I could never place it. I only knew that it brought me a sense of longing.

I am currently 27 years old, and just a few months ago I was down on my luck, just coasting through life. It was September, just after my birthday. I was down and out after my then girlfriend cheated on me.

I had gone to see her on my birthday, August 31st. She was home, and knew I was coming over. Yet, there they were. Fucking away on her couch. They knew, and the most fucked up thing was that it was with someone I thought was my friend.

In the moment, I could only stare. There were so many emotions going through me that I felt my heart just give out. It hurt like hell. She wasn't the first to do this to me, but she was definitely one of the most malicious in her intent.

She complained about me to my face in that moment. Saying horrible things about my performance and appearance. I just didn't have the energy to retaliate. What a birthday present to me, but karma caught up to her. She lived in a not-so-great neighborhood, and it was said that someone broke in and murdered her and her new boyfriend in a robbery gone wrong.

"...Wait," My tapping stopped as I thought about it, "There's no way..."

A pain ran through my head as I thought of it. Holding myself steady, I wondered how it would even be possible. I didn't even know her at the time they were killed. The more I thought of it, the more my head began to hurt.

A sharp pain, like a spike being driven into my skull hit me from nowhere. A sharp gasp of escaped me, the pain unbearable. I didn't know why this was happening or how. I wasn't sure if it was because of what I was thinking of, or if it was something else.

Cecelia was in the room with me and immediately ran to my side.

"Alex!" I felt her hands on my shoulders, her worried voice barely registering with me, "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Gritting my teeth, I tried to take some breaths. Each one slowly letting me regain a bit of myself. The rain pounding against the glass seemed to jog something in my memory. A park I used to play at when I was a child. I would go there to get away when my mom and dad fought.

I couldn't stand it at home sometimes. It was my safe space when I couldn't read in peace. Sometimes, I'd take my book at the time and go there to read. Why was I remembering that park now?

Coming a bit more to my senses, I felt Cecelia petting my head in worry. Whatever that was, it was over with now. I felt like I was just put through a gauntlet. My entire body just felt tired, and my head was still throbbing. Drained of all energy, I fell against Cecelia who held me close to her.

"...Are you alright?" She whispered to me, "You gave me quite the fright."

"Heh, sorry...gave me one too," I couldn't really say what had happened, but I was glad to be in her arms, "My head just hurt suddenly when I was thinking on the past a bit."

"Mind if I ask what it was?" She seemed to be genuinely curious, and I didn't think there was much harm in it.

"...Well, a murder," I told her simply, "It happened before I met you. It was my ex and her new boyfriend...She had cheated on me, as you know. I sometimes think karma finally got them, but isn't that a bit fucked of me to think? It was a bad neighborhood, and two people died."

There was silence as Cecelia simply held me to her. The gentleness of her hand caressing my head seem to become even gentler. After a moment, she spoke up.

"I don't think it's bad of you," She finally told me, and I felt a part of me relax at being validated, "You were hurt. I know you have a soft heart, but don't let it bother you."

"...I don't," And it was true, I felt a little bit bad, but they weren't great people, "Lives were still lost, but...I don't know. I was just thinking about everything leading up to meeting you. My memory is always so weird. I can't remember things that well, and a lot of it is fuzzy."

Looking up at her, I relaxed further against her supple body. It was so warm and relaxing. She was strong, yet pliable. Sturdy, yet soft. I often had trouble sleeping, but against her it was like I could fall asleep so easily.

"I wanted to make sure I remember the time we met," I told her, wanting to let her know, "You've changed my life in a way I never thought possible. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me," Smiling down at me, she kissed my forehead gently, "I am more than happy to do it."

"I know, but still..." I chuckled softly, looking out of the window once more, "There was another thing...a park. I hadn't thought on it in so long. I even forgot about it."

"A...park?" Her words seemed uncertain.

"Yeah," I nodded, staring at nothing in particular, "I used to go there when I was a child. I can't believe I forgot...I don't know why I suddenly recalled it, but it was where I could read away from my parents arguing."

"...That sounds lovely," There was a pause before she spoke, but when she did it felt full of love and made me feel warm, "Did you remember anything else?"

She seemed to tense up, perhaps because she was worried for me, but I reassured her there was nothing else. She relaxed, and I felt like everything was right in the world again.

After my episode, she didn't let me go the rest of the day. We snuggled by the window, and curled up to several shows. As comfortable as I was, and as cozy as everything felt with the rain pattering against the window, it didn't take me long to fall asleep in her arms.

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