Lyrical life.

Chapter 7

I kissed a girl - Katy Perry

 

“You should both come to mine for new years.” Bekky announced out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation.

 

It was only a few days after Christmas and it was the first time Jenny and I had seen Bekky since we’d all gone to the shopping centre looking for presents. We’d been comparing the gifts we had gotten and laughing about things that happened during the time we hadn’t seen each other. From time to time I got the feeling that Bekky was a bit jealous of all the time that Jenny and I spent together. I wondered if maybe she was wishing that she had a chance to introduce me to some of the new things I was learning about too.

 

“I was going to ask if you could come to ours but Mum and Henry both have work things this year so it’s going to be a bit quiet. She said I could celebrate it but I couldn’t have my own party if there’s no adults there.” Jenny sighed with irritation.

 

I remembered it had been quite the argument the day before when Lucy had mentioned her plans for new years eve. It seemed to me as though it was an old fight they had re-started rather than a new one. Jenny had whined and wheedled but Lucy had been firm about her decision.

 

“Well I can’t promise it will be all that exciting, it’s just a family thing so it will be quite boring, I just want someone fun there.” Bekky offered conciliatorily.

 

“Your family isn’t that bad.” Jenny countered.

 

“Wouldn’t it be a bit late to be getting home again though?” I asked, not realising how easily the word “home” slipped out in reference to Jenny’s house rather than my parents’.

 

“I’m not letting you go home after that, you have to stay over.” Bekky laughed after a moments shock, I could also see the amusement in Jenny’s eyes which made me feel stupid again.

 

“I’ve never been to a new years party.” I sulked. Bekky put a hand on my arm, discerning how I was feeling.

“We’re not really laughing at you. I just never thought you wouldn’t know that’s how it usually works, it’s more laughing at myself for being so stupid.” She tried to console me and I had to admit, even though I didn’t entirely believe her, I was at least a little mollified.

 

“I’ll check with mum but she probably won’t mind” Jenny said tapping away on her phone as she sent the text to ask permission. Her phone buzzed against the table a few moments later with Lucy’s reply that Jenny had predicted. Both seemed happy and set about planning the sleepover.

 

Bekky’s house was already busy when we got there in the early afternoon on New Year's Eve. I’d half expected everyone to be laid back and resting before the late night, but Bekky’s mum was running back and forth cooking and laying out snacks for the evening. John, Bekky’s brother, and his girlfriend were twined intimately round each other in an armchair watching tv and Bekky’s dad was wandering in and out, stealing snacks as he passed them and pretending to help his wife while mostly getting in her way. Bekky introduced them to me in an offhand manner as she led the way through the house to her room.

 

None of them took much notice of us as we all trooped through, John’s girlfriend waved a peace sign in our direction as she heard Bekky speak but never took her eyes off the tv and John didn’t even acknowledge that she had spoken. Bekky’s dad stuffed something in his mouth quick and smiled round it at me while reaching for a cupcake, her mum saw him and smacked his hand to stop him while trying to greet me and make small talk though I was nervous and didn’t know what to say.

 

Bekky’s room was a mess, clothes were strewn on every surface, the wardrobe stood open with clothes haphazardly hung on the corner of the door indicating that it might never actually get closed, the front of one of the draws hung at a crazy angle, clearly broken and ignored. A big poster hung over the bed showing a woman wearing a tight-fitting suit, standing in a provocative pose as she pointed two guns towards the person looking at the poster. A backpack character from a children’s tv show hung on the back of the door, its’ rubber face festooned with drawings and piercings as though it were some kind of rebel against what it was supposed to represent. The space between the bed and the chest of draws was covered in a huge black rug with garish bright neon stripes randomly splattered across it.

 

“Make yourself comfortable.” Bekky offered as Jenny slung her bag towards a corner and flopped onto the bed.

 

“Is there a plan?” Jenny asked.

 

“Not really, people will start getting here about four, wanna watch something?” She indicated the tv that was balanced on her draws with some books. Stickers and drawings covering the wide plastic rim round the screen. They both looked at me as though I should decide for everyone. I just shrugged.

 

“Sure.” I mumbled, not really confident about what I was supposed to do. None of us could agree on a film to watch so in the end Bekky put on a music channel that blared out a rundown of the top selling singles from the year that was ending, the overly enthusiastic and cheerful host chattering dumbly about the songs and notable events from the week they had been at number one while clearly being on a beach somewhere sunny. We didn’t really pay much attention to the TV as Bekky and Jenny started gossiping about someone from school that they both knew.

 

Bekky disappeared from time to time to fetch snacks and drinks, sometimes coming back with brightly coloured bottles of drink that she insisted I try. I was feeling far more relaxed and we were all laughing about something when someone started banging on the wall. The other two ignored it but I couldn’t work out what it was until someone started yelling loudly on the other side of the wall.

 

“Oh yes! That’s it, right there, YES, YES, YES! Harder!” I could feel the heat on my cheeks as I blushed.

 

“Are they really…?” I asked Bekky stunned. Jenny was clearly a bit embarrassed but not as shocked as I was. Bekky sighed loudly and smiled a little sickly. As though it wasn’t surprising.

 

“Yea. Just a minute.” She pounded her fist on the wall and shouted to keep the noise down, she’d got guests. All sound suddenly stopped from the other side of the wall and we heard faint giggling from his girlfriend as Bekky’s brother shouted a half-hearted apology. It wasn’t long before the rhythmic banging started again but there was no more shouting.

 

I desperately wanted to ask if she had been so loud on purpose. If she had deliberately been so noisy to make fun of us and embarrass Bekky. I couldn’t think why else she would be so loud knowing there were other people around. I couldn’t understand how they were so comfortable knowing everyone would know what they were doing.

 

“All the fucking time since they got here.” Bekky growled “Sorry. I tried asking them not to while you were here.” She shrugged as the banging on the wall sped up, I understood why she was irritated with them but I couldn’t get my head round the fact that she didn’t seem at all embarrassed. I knew I was, was I the one that had the wrong idea again? Was everyone that loud about it really?

 

“Oh, my cousin is coming tonight, thinks he’s gods gift, even tried it on with me last time I saw him. Complete wanker, he’ll probably try it on, don’t bother being polite, just tell him to fuck off, if he carries on, just tell me and I’ll kick him in the nuts.” Bekky seemed to suddenly remember about her cousin but I did wonder if she was trying to distract my attention from her brother and his girlfriend.

 

“Won’t that hurt him?” I asked unsure why Bekky would be so harsh, especially to a relative.

 

“Hun, it’s about the only way he will get the message. I’m not even joking.” Bekky said sadly. I looked at Jenny for more clarification.

 

“She’s not really being literal.” She reassured me giving Bekky a dark glare. As I let out a breath of relief. Although I didn’t know the man, I was sure that I didn’t want him caused permanent damage even if it was for being a bit creepy. The banging on the wall stopped and I think we all breathed a sigh of relief. The whole thing gave me so many questions I wanted to ask but I wasn’t sure that it was ok. Jenny had told me enough times over the last few months that I could ask anything of her if I wasn’t sure but some things still seemed far too embarrassing to talk about, especially to do with something as private as sex. Why did Bekky want to hurt her cousin? Why was Bekky’s family so at ease about John and his girlfriend? Was that what a normal relationship was like?

 

We all talked for a while more before Jenny looked at the time on her phone and decided that it was time to get ready. Being already dressed for the party I wasn’t really sure what she meant till she started pulling her makeup kit from her bag. Never having worn makeup I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do while the other two daubed the stuff all over their faces and pouted into their phones while taking selfies. I was taken unawares when they turned to me and proffered the magical items. Jenny informed me it was my turn and Bekky clearly agreed. I was rather embarrassed to admit to them I’d never used it so I tried to politely turn down the offered goods. It didn’t take long for Bekky to guess though.

 

“You’ve never worn it have you?” She asked with a little concerned frown. I shook my head, not wanting to actually say the words. Jenny made a face of sudden comprehension which quickly dissolved into her devilish grin.

 

“Time for a makeover!” She yelled, pushing me backwards to lean against the chest of draws.

 

The makeover process seemed to take hours and involve lots of pain and giggling. I was somewhat nervous as they started bringing out all kinds of things that looked like the torture devices I’d seen in a picture of a dungeon in my history book. Strange wire things that they clamped near my eyes to curl my lashes, tweezers they plucked at my eyebrows with although I tried to stop them because it hurt as they pulled the hairs out. Brushes, tongs and clips for my hair, pencils and a myriad different shaped sponges to draw on and dab my face with. Files, rubber blocks and clippers for my nails.

 

Bekky rummaged through the clothes that were everywhere, looking for things that I could wear despite her clothes being far too large for my skinny body. I heard people arriving as my two friends discussed, fussed and obsessed about my “look”, all the while taking pictures.

 

By the time they had finished, my face felt stiff and I had changed clothes at least three times. When they showed me the result in the mirror, I barely recognised the girl in the reflection as myself. The girl in the reflection was pretty, her brown eyes highlighted with subtle eyeshadow and black eyeliner that made a little flick at the corner of her eyes. Delicate colouring accented the contours of her face and although most of the clothes she wore were baggy and loose, she looked more like a movie star than an ordinary girl, the top, artfully hanging off one shoulder, exposing more skin to everyone than I’d shown since the day I was born. I think the only thing I recognised as having arrived in was my jeans that Lucy had given me the day after I arrived at hers. She’d insisted they were too small for her and that it really wasn’t any trouble for her to part with them but I suspected that she’d bought them for me when she was supposed to be at work. I couldn’t help but giggle a bit at myself and at Jenny’s wide grin.

 

“I look so beautiful.” I laughed “It feels a bit funny but I don’t see why…” I broke off and my smile faded as the words lined up in my mind to come out my mouth.

 

“What don’t you see?”

 

“What’s the problem?” Bekky asked, speaking at the same time as Jenny.

 

“I just remembered what Mummy said about makeup and what she called me.” I mumbled in reply. Jenny drew me closer and Bekky put her arm round me.

 

“I’m guessing that she said something about it being bad.” she grumbled “Your mother was a fucking witch, I wish she’d just eat shit and die.” I was horrified at Bekky for a moment, I couldn’t wish that Mummy or Daddy had died.

 

“They might not have been the best for throwing me out but they are still my parents, I have to respect them and love them don’t I?” I asked, feeling as though I was probably crashing the mood.

 

“Doesn’t work like that. They should earn respect and give you a reason to love them.” Bekky huffed. “You were going to say something though, what was it your mum said about makeup? Let’s blow another part of your mind.”

 

“She said it was for prostitutes.” I murmured, not really sure that I wanted to go back to that part of the conversation.

 

“Oh my god.” Jenny gasped “What a stupid woman. Makeup is about making you feel pretty and look good, it’s about confidence and beauty, not got anything to do with hookers.”

 

“You said that she said something about makeup and it made you think of something about you… did she call you a prozzy for sleeping with your guy?” Bekky connected the dots. “What a fucking douche. You aren’t a whore, you’re just normal. She’s the one that’s not fucking normal. Needs a fucking lesson in real fucking life.”

 

I could tell that Bekky was angry, her language always got worse when she was angry. She shook her head and met my eyes in the mirror.

 

“You do you, not some version of what they think you should be. You’re beautiful and should make the most of what you got. If a little makeup helps highlight it then why not? God I need a drink though, come on, let’s show you off and start this party.”

 

Jenny put her hand on my waist, hugging me closer again as she brought her phone up to snap a picture in the mirror as she pulled a silly face. I laughed at her silly face in the mirror and the phone made its camera noise as she took the picture of all three of us reflected in the mirror.

 

“Seems to me you really need some fun.” She announced pulling me towards the door and leading me down the stairs.

 

As we were going down the stairs, Bekky shouted to her family as though she were introducing a contestant on a tv show.

 

“Fashionably late so she can make an entrance,” Everyone looked up to see why she was being so loud.

 

“Everyone, give it up for the all-new Jo Risby.”

 

Conversations stopped and people peered round doors to see what was going on.

 

“Here for the first time after being released from a shitty situation which meant she couldn’t celebrate anything.”

 

Everyone was staring at me as I came down the stairs

 

“She’s never seen in new years so make sure she enjoys it. Woohoo.”

 

Everyone was looking as we got to the bottom step. I felt so embarrassed, I just wanted to hide and I’m sure that I was blushing like I’d never blushed before. The moment of almost complete silence worried me even more as they all seemed frozen, the music blaring on the stereo being the only sound in the whole house.

 

I don’t know if he was trying to make up for the noise earlier, helping out his sister or what but John suddenly whistled loudly and cheered, I saw him nudge his girlfriend who began cheering and clapping like an audience member on the tv show. Bekky’s mum laughed and suddenly the spell was broken, everyone turned back to what they had been doing, talking, laughing and enjoying the evening.

 

Bekky’s mum came and found me shortly afterwards, telling me that she was so pleased theirs would be the first new years I’d been to. Much like Bekky, her mum was a short rounded woman. She had the beginnings of laugh lines round her eyes and her short hair had plenty of grey in it. Her voice had a slight Irish note to it as though to remind people of her roots though she’d long since left Ireland. She was a perfect hostess, always attentive to what people might want and always urging everyone to eat or drink more although she stayed near me and made sure I was comfortable for quite some time, introducing me to family members as though she’d known me for some time rather than just meeting me that day.

 

“Of course my Bekky would never think to actually tell you who everyone is.” She explained to me. “She’s never been one for the social graces though lord knows I’ve tried to teach her.” While she was with me she made sure that as fast as I got to the end of a drink, I was supplied with a fresh one and she never let my plate get more than half empty before she was pointing out foods she hadn’t seen me try or that I had shown approval of, encouraging me to eat till I was more than stuffed full.

 

Jenny was never far away from me, I guessed she was trying to keep an eye on me, ready to step in if I looked uncomfortable or worried about anything. I felt a little envious of her poise and the way she naturally seemed to charm everyone though I was still a curiosity to most of them. I think I’d talked to everyone there at least twice before I managed to excuse myself to sit down for a while. I managed to snag a dining room chair near an open window where I could cool down a little and gather my thoughts from the whirlwind of people and information that had been thrust at me like I was some kind of celebrity they all wanted to meet.

 

I wasn’t watching when someone sat down beside me, effectively trapping me into the corner. I did see Bekkys look of alarm across the room though as she saw then scanned the room for Jenny who was nowhere to be seen.

 

“Well fancy meeting a pretty lady like you here, it must be my lucky day.” He spoke to me so I turned to look at him. Sitting there in ripped jeans and a faded tee shirt with holes in it was a blocky young man, I guessed that he was probably in his twenties but his hair was already receding and he had it cut very short making him seem almost bald. His belly overhung his belt and his little eyes reminded me of the eyes I’d seen once on a pig at a farm I’d visited with the school. I smiled a little nervously at him, not really remembering who he was but worried by the look Bekky had given when he sat down.

 

“You must be Jo, you’re definitely the prettiest girl here.” He obviously took my smile as encouragement. I offered him another thin smile and asked who he was.  He started happily explaining that he was Bekky’s cousin and that he was available. I didn’t understand what he meant, figuring that he meant he was available to chat or something so I gave him my best blank look which he somehow interpreted as interest.

 

“Can I get you another drink?” He asked noticing that the bottle I had was empty. Before I could say anything he was grabbing one of the kids that were running back and forth, ordering them to get two more bottles of drink. The kid looked at him like he was mad, stuck his tongue out at him and ran off, I had to stifle a laugh out of politeness.

 

“Haha, kids?” He half laughed “You like kids?” I shrugged, not sure how to reply. He didn’t really seem to notice that I didn’t say anything. “I’m sure that any kids you have will be as pretty as you.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“How come a pretty girl like you has never seen in new years before?” He asked, leaning closer to me.

 

“My parents never let me.” I replied shortly. He was boring me and the way he kept mentioning that I was pretty was making me uncomfortable.

 

“So how come you know my cousin?” He tried a new tack.

 

“We’re in the same year at school.”

 

“Really? You seem so much more mature than that, I could have sworn you were at least 18.” His lie was obvious and I raised an eyebrow at him. “Well what’s a year or two? You really are mature for your age though. Do you have any new years resolutions?”

 

“Not really.” Although I tried to cut the conversation short, he carried on, telling me about his resolutions to make more friends, spend money on them and so on. I caught the inference that if I spent time with him was willing to spend money on things I wanted though it seemed a rather shallow attempt at getting me to spend time with him.

 

After he had been rambling for a while without realising that I wasn’t paying him any attention, Bekky came to my rescue, walking up behind him and slapping his head loudly.

 

“Leave her alone pervert, she’s neither shallow enough nor would she ever be drunk enough to sleep with you.” She warned him.

 

“Go away, we were having such a nice conversation.” His reply was quick and showed his irritation at his cousin’s interruption. He smiled at me and tried to excuse Bekky. I didn’t want to interrupt him but I realised that if I didn’t he would keep me prisoner there.

 

“Um, I think I better just use the bathroom.” I tried a small lie to make it less awkward, while at the same time hating myself for resorting to lying.

 

“I’ll show you where it is.” Bekky offered, picking up on the thought and reaching past him and pushing his hand out of the way as they both attempted to help me out of the chair. I thought it was a bit weird that Bekky would try to help me up when I really didn’t need the help. I pushed my way past him and as we left the room Jenny joined us, blocking me off from his view. When we got to the stairs, Jenny and Bekky collapsed in laughter, giggling about the look on the guys face and insulting him.

 

“Oh my god, could he have been more blatant?” Jenny asked between giggles.

 

“He wouldn’t have been any more surprised if I had kicked his balls in.” Bekky laughed. “Hun, I told you not to humour him, he’s just full of shit.”

 

“How can you be so rude to him though? He's family.”

 

“He might be blood-related but he’s not family, he’s more like a dog, if it moves he’ll try to hump it.” Bekky giggled. “Come on, let’s get another drink.”

 

The evening seemed to last forever and at the same time, no time at all. At some point someone suddenly pointed out it was less than a minute to midnight, someone hastily put the tv on showing the London eye and we all waited with held breath for the moment, counting down the last ten seconds in loud voices before the TV sounded the bells of big ben, fireworks shot from the wheel and everyone cheered. Everyone congratulated each other, began rounds of kisses and singing a song about old friends though no one seemed to know all the words and mostly mumbled the bits they didn’t know, hoping someone else would so they could copy them.

 

Hugs and kisses seemed to abound as though everyone had achieved something, but I didn’t really understand why though, of course, I joined in as Bekky quietly explained that her family did it as a kind of tradition to congratulate each other for surviving the trials of the past year and a kind of good luck thing for the next year and it seemed to be what everyone was doing. Everyone seemed to be kissing on the cheek so I was a bit surprised when Bekky’s cousin made a move to kiss me on the lips and I realized that he was doing it to everyone. Fortunately, Bekky was beside me at the time and she grabbed his ear as he tried to kiss me, her face a picture of anger.

 

“I told you to leave her alone.” She growled at him, giving him a shove.

 

“Can’t blame a guy for trying can you? Maybe it would be enough to convince her to go out with me, you never know.” He smirked.

 

“Yea we do. She’s not into blokes.” Bekky said and turning to me, kissed me on the mouth with a long passionate kiss, holding my face tenderly like I’d seen them do in the romance films that Lucy had been enjoying on the TV. John, Bekky’s brother saw and let out a long wolf whistle, clapping slowly while her cousin looked at us both in horror as though we’d both grown another head before he pointed a wagging finger at us.

 

“Good one, you nearly had me for a minute there.” He laughed.

 

Bekky looked a bit sheepish and gave me a tentative smile, I assumed that she was like that because of her cousin and her brother so I smiled at her and tried to reassure her that I understood. The party wound down fairly quickly after that with people making excuses about having to get up for work or get their children to bed. Then there was a debate about who was going to take this or that relative home and who hadn’t been drinking so was safest to drive. Although the house wasn’t where I lived it seemed quiet and empty after everyone had left. Bekky’s mum drifted around the house, tidying up and covering unused food. Her dad slumped in a chair swigging from a bottle of beer as though he was exhausted and her brother disappeared with his girlfriend back to their room.

 

Bekky snagged another few bottles each and herded Jenny and I back to her room. We took a while laying out blankets and cushions that Jenny and I could sleep on. I don’t think I even noticed as we all got ready for bed amid the laughter and silliness. Although I was glad to sink into the bed, it wasn’t the comfiest bed I’ve slept on, it was lumpy and there were gaps in all the wrong places, it also felt a little weird to be sharing it with Jenny. Bekky turned off the light and got into her bed, almost stepping on me as she did which caused another fit of laughter before things calmed down and the house began to quiet down as though it was going to sleep itself.

 

“You still awake?” Bekky asked quietly sometime later.

 

“Yea.” Jenny answered a bit sleepily before I had a chance to say anything.

 

“I meant Jo.” Bekky admitted.

 

“Yea, I’m awake too.”

 

“What do you think of new year then?”

 

“Busy.” I giggled.

 

“Any resolutions?” Jenny asked with a yawn.

 

“Not really. Still a bit confused really.”

 

“Confused about what?” Bekky demanded, hanging over the side of the bed as though she were trying to see my reactions though it was too dark to see properly.

 

“It doesn’t feel like anything has changed, I still want to see Sam, I still can’t go home. I don’t know what’s going to happen, it feels like I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore.”

 

“I don’t think anyone really does.” Bekky answered sagely.

 

“This year will be better I’m sure.” Jenny mumbled. The room went quiet again for a bit before I thought to ask if either of them had any resolutions. The only response I got from Jenny was a quiet snore and Bekky took a while to reply so I thought they had both gone to sleep, I nearly jumped out of my skin when Bekky suddenly started speaking.

 

“Lose some weight I guess, I have that one every year though. Be nicer to people I don’t know so well, do more for people I do know. Make more friends, just general stuff really, nothing specific.”

 

“I thought they were supposed to be promises to god that you would do better this year.”

 

“Nah, just promises to yourself really. Probably why we fail at them so much. How sleepy are you?”

 

“Not that sleepy.”

 

“I’m too wired to sleep. I kinda want to watch the sunrise.”

 

We weren’t quiet as we tried to sneak downstairs again in our nightwear. It was gloomy and we didn’t turn the lights on so we didn’t wake everyone up, I kept getting the giggles and everything seemed funny. We sat in the lounge drinking from more bottles that Bekky got from the kitchen, laughing and talking like we had never had a chance to before.

 

“Why did you kiss me like that?” I suddenly asked as the thought popped into my head and it came straight out of my mouth. “I mean, I know why but why?” Bekky looked at me for a moment.

 

“I could say it was just to wind up my cousin, but, honestly…?” She asked in return

 

“Of course.” I giggled

 

“I’ve wanted to since Jenny kissed you in the library that day.”

 

“God, that was ages ago.” Bekky shrugged “Why would you want to kiss me though?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I? Have you seen yourself? You’re fucking gorgeous.” I would normally have gotten all shy at a compliment like that but this time I couldn’t help myself, I burst into laughter at the silliness of the comment.

 

“I am not.” I laughed “I’m usually just plain old boring me, it must be all that stuff you put on my face confusing you.”

 

“I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, I guess I should have thanked her because Mummy always said that if I didn’t know what to say to a compliment I should just thank them. I was beginning to feel a bit awkward and think that I should make an excuse and go back to bed to avoid it when the window began to get lighter. Bekky knelt on the couch so she could watch the sun rising and there didn’t seem to be any need for more talking.

 

The colours of the sky were amazing as the sun seemed to be peeking over the edge of the world before it suddenly popped up and was shining in our eyes. Satisfied with the sight we crept upstairs again and snuggled into our beds, trying not to wake Jenny and the rest of the house. I was tired and happy so once I got snuggly and warm it took me hardly any time to drop off to sleep.

 

It was afternoon by the time I woke up, feeling really bad. I felt sick and my head was pounding like someone was using a road breaker on it. I almost crawled to the bathroom before I went in search of my friends though moving made my head feel worse, I wondered if I had caught a bug from someone before I decided that no illness could feel that bad, I must be dying or be being punished by god for something I’d done the night before.

 

Jenny looked fresh as a daisy and didn’t seem to have any problems, being her usual happy self. Bekky was hollow-eyed and a little grumpy but neither of them seemed to feel as bad as me. John’s girlfriend sprawled in an armchair, idly picking through a box of chocolates as she watched the TV. Looking up at me for a moment, she grinned.

 

“First hangover?” She demanded. “That’s the price we pay for drinking, you’ll get used to it.” She smiled and seemed to soften her tone with sympathy. “Sports drinks work for me, you should try one.” She held out a bottle of drink from a stash she had beside the armchair and I took it gratefully, feeling as though my mouth were full of foul-flavoured rags. I gulped it down and curled up on the corner of the couch, hugging a pillow and sure that I was going to die.