I have always wondered what death felt like. I have heard many rumours about people seeing a bright light when they die, but now that I’m in this situation, I know how absurd those rumours were. All I’m seeing is endless darkness and not even a flicker of the rumoured light. 

I always considered myself to be smart and my actions have proved that. I passed high school at the top of my class and received a scholarship to study at one of the best universities in the country. I was poor so the scholarship came in handy.  

I lived with my mother and my little sister who was still in high school. I never met my father and to tell you the truth, I never cared about him. I only know that he abandoned us after my sister was born. Maybe I did meet him when I was young but I don’t have the memories of him. 

The one thing I hate more than my father is the world. I hate the government and its unfair laws. I hate how the rich get richer while the poor stay the same. I hate the noise. I hate the people and I hate the corruption. In this world filled with discrimination and greed, I hate everything about it. The only reason I lived in it was for the sake of living, nothing more. It wasn’t like I could kill myself.

I had a simple plan - finish university and get a good job that will help sustain me and my family’s needs. I never had any thoughts of getting married. 

I managed to get a job overseas and had to move. At the time, Mom had just succumbed to an unknown illness, and leaving meant I was abandoning my little sister. 

But I knew that I needed the job to help my mom. I made the sacrifice of leaving for my job. I didn’t worry about my sister much since we have a kind neighbour who’s been our family friend for a long time. 

I worked at this job for a year and I made sure I was the best at what I was doing. I made myself indispensable and I received good pay for my brilliance. I would then send almost all the money back home to pay for my mother’s hospital bills and my sister’s needs. Life went well if I do say so myself, but even if you live a cautious life like me, you will always fall victim to other people’s greed and desires. 

I was killed trying to stop a thief from robbing a coworker. In normal circumstances, I would ignore these kinds of troublesome things but somehow, that day my body reacted before I could even think and I was stabbed and bled out. 

I wonder if she’s safe. I can’t believe I'm thinking about another person right now.  

I blame myself for being killed by an insignificant being like that guy. I, out of all people, should have known how the world worked but I acted on the spur of the moment, putting my life at risk in the process. I was killed because I didn’t take into account every contingency. But if I was strong, then I wouldn’t need any because anything in front of absolute power is just dust waiting to be blown away. If I was strong enough then I wouldn’t have died. 

I ponder this as I drift into the endless abyss.

I know that these words mean nothing. It’s not as if I am going to get a second shot at life now, am I? I wouldn’t be so lucky now, would I? Luck, huh. I don’t believe in pointless things such as luck. If something happens, then there is always a meaning behind it. If there isn’t, then it’s simply a coincidence. Although, I don’t believe in coincidences much either.

And then it happens; the rumored light appears, shining brilliantly into the dark abyss. My heart starts pounding. I realise that I am more afraid of the light than glad to finally see it. I mean, what if where the light leads to there is only suffering and pain, what then? 

I have grown comfortable with the darkness as it is the first time where I get to relax and not worry about anything but now, the darkness is fading into the light. After all, it has been proven that people fear uncertainty over anything.

That distant light’s brilliance shines brighter and brighter, piercing my eyes as it envelopes the darkness. Then the darkness comes again but this time, it is different. It is like my eyes are closed rather than being in the abyss. I then hear distant chatter in the background as my mind begins to clear.

Am I in a hospital? Never mind that, what type of dialect is this? 

I am puzzled by the disjointed ramblings I have never heard before. I try to open my eyes just to calm my uneasiness, but I am stunned as my eyelids are so heavy they feel glued together. I finally manage to peel my eyes open and I am instantly enchanted by the beauty of the woman who is embracing me in her arms. How can anyone be so beautiful? 

Hair that is white as snow, skin that is slightly brown but fair and alluring. But nothing compares to her eyes. Ocean blue eyes that sparkle like the most priceless of gems, like the moon in a sea of stars. I am mesmerised by this fair maiden.

But why does my body feel so small? It’s as if I’m a child!

Wait a minute, I am a child. 

Have I been reborn? Why am I not seeing hospital staff and hospital devices? Is this even the 21st century? It looks like we are in a type of barn.

All I can see are two women wearing tattered old clothes, a thickly bearded man who is also wearing ragged clothing with a sword latched to his waist like a knight. I am confused by what I am seeing. 

The man seems uneasy as he keeps peeking outside. He then walks toward the woman embracing me and kneels on one knee, his head bowed as if he is not supposed to look at her.

“I’m sorry to request this of you, My Lady, as you have just given birth, but we have to move.”

“I understand.”

I don’t understand what they are saying but I can tell the sense of urgency in the words. After a short conversation, the two maids start packing their belongings in haste. With everyone ready, they start to run as the beautiful woman embraces me in her bosoms. It is a warm embrace that makes me feel protected, like as long as I am held like this, nothing would hurt me.

We enter a forest and keep running. The beautiful lady embracing me cannot run much as she is weak from childbirth. The maids offer to carry me, but she politely refuses.

As they flee deeper into the forest, a light thud from behind them is heard. The man stops abruptly and unsheathes his sword. It is a worn-out sword that has seen better and worse days and the owner doesn’t seem to even have the time for proper maintenance.

“Go Lady Mary, I’ll buy you some time,” he says urgently, his eyes combing the crawling darkness before him. 

He seems fatigued and injured, as if he’s been doing nothing but duel these past few days. But he has a mission, and it is to protect her mistress and her newborn child.

Mary can’t do anything but continue running with the two maids. The man runs towards the thud and disappears into the darkness of the night. A few minutes later, the resonant sound of weapons clashing echoes across the forest. It is then followed by a dead silence.

The two women know what that means and stop.  “What are you doing you two? Keep running.” The two maids start crying.

“It’s been a pleasure serving you, My Lady. We are both grateful for the lady’s love over the years. Serving you has been our honour and if there is an afterlife, I hope my lady could allow us to serve you once again.”

With that tearful goodbye, they turn around and start running in the direction of the pursuers. Mary knows what they are doing but she can’t stop them. She knows what she has to do, and that is to not let their sacrifice be in vain.

Thirty minutes pass, and fatigue starts to creep into Mary’s limbs. She knows that she won’t get far since she has just given birth. She didn’t get time to recover and is still weak, so she hides under a tuft of a recently fallen tree.

With eyes filled with tears, she knows what she had to do to save her child - me. She then looks at me as she is holding me in her arms. I look at her face as her ocean blue eyes fill with tears. I don’t know what to do but I know by the look in her eyes that she is willing to sacrifice herself for me. 

She then starts to speak. I don’t know the dialect but the words she speaks, I can swear that I understand them clearly now.

“Oh, my beautiful child,” she says, and sniffles. “I am so sorry but it seems Mommy will have to leave you now. I wish I could’ve watched you grow up into a handsome young man. I bet the ladies will be all over you,” and at that she chuckles amidst the tears, “but Mom can’t stay and watch you grow. So, I want you to grow up to be a strong man... and eat a lot of food but don’t get fat or you won’t get married. Once you’re strong enough, that’s when you’ll be able to come and see me.”

She then takes out a necklace with an insignia of a dragon.

“This is your mother’s necklace,” she continues, sobbing. “It was given to me by my father and to him by his father. It’s been in our family for generations and now I’m giving it to you. Keep it safe and never let it out of your sight. Mommy loves you… so, so very much. So, stay strong.”

And with these words, she kisses me goodbye and sprints out, momentarily pausing to catch the attention of the pursuers. Even though it is the first time I am seeing this woman, her departure leaves a gaping hole in my heart and without realising it, tears are pouring from my eyes. But since I don’t want to attract the pursuers’ attention, I don’t dare cry out loud so I just hold the pain in. 

And then the darkness appears again but this time, it isn’t comfortable. In fact, it is cold, scary, and silent. 

The heavy gaits of the pursuers are getting menacingly closer to my position. They are searching in the bushes. It seems they knew about Mary giving birth and are looking for me. One of them is getting close to the position where I am hidden. I am scared about them finding me, so I close my eyes and in a desperate attempt, I plead to the gods for me not to be seen. 

Even though I don't believe in gods since I'm a man of science, I find myself praying. The pursuer arrives at the location I am hidden but for some reason, he doesn’t see me and keeps searching other places. 

I don’t understand how they couldn’t find me but I guess the gods answered my prayer. After a while, the footsteps become distant, slowly disappearing into the night. And then after a minute or two, absolute silence descends onto the forest.

Time passes by, seconds turning into minutes, minutes into hours until it is dawn. All of this time, I haven’t slept a wink. I am tired but I know that if I fall asleep and lose sight of my surroundings, something might happen to me. 

I soon hear footsteps again and my tiny body tightens in fear. It is a passing woman who seems to be in her early fifties. She is dressed like she is in a Wizard of Oz cosplay and holding a big wooden staff. She is wearing clothes with a shade of green and a wizard's hat. 

Typical of someone who is used to the stillness of the bush, she notices the aftermath of the pursuers frantic rummaging in the dense thicket – the broken tree branches, hacked leaves and flattened shrubbery. She stops for a while as her wizened eyes comb the area. I cover my face with the blanket I am wrapped in so that she doesn’t see me, but the putrid stench of my soiled napkin that serves as my napkin tickles her nostrils.

I can’t believe after being silent for so long, a soiled napkin sells me out. Even though I was able to control myself from making any noise, I am still a baby and there are things I can’t control. She ambles closer and gathers the bundle that I am into her arms. I am so tired and hungry I can’t even cry. 

“Oh, poor thing, you must’ve been scared. Don’t worry, Grandma will take good care of you.”

She knows that she can’t leave me alone and with my bloodshot eyes, she figures I probably haven’t slept at all. She then tucks me into her bosom and continues on her journey. 

On that day, I had something taken away from me all because I was weak. Hence, I made a vow to myself. Never again! Never again shall I have something I cherish taken away from me. And in order to accomplish that goal, then I’ll have to be the strongest person in this world.