Announcement

New Volume 3 Chapter(s) Weekly. Volumes 1 and 2 now complete!

At exactly [500] on the 33rd of Quadruneber, the noon broadcast of Prosper City News ran as scheduled. However, that was the only normal part of this particular broadcast. It was classified as an emergency, and it was being shown on every single channel. This included channels for countries not part of the Central Peace. The CP had gotten permission from most, and forcibly hijacked the broadcasts of those that had refused. They were ready to pay reparations for any potential damages, and most of it could be blamed on the Fiends For Hire anyways, so relations likely wouldn’t be worsened.

In addition to television, every device with an internet connection received an emergency alarm to tune into the live broadcast on the CPs official website. The alarm would blare incessantly until it was clicked, and couldn’t be dismissed in any other fashion. They were also covering any internet charges for the duration of the broadcast for those who had a limited data supply. This was an event that could not be ignored, and they needed the masses to be informed as much as possible, mostly for damage control so people couldn’t claim ignorance later.

“Hello everyone, and welcome to the Prosper City News noon broadcast.” Corein Gedring greeted her viewers when the broadcast went live. “This is an emergency broadcast enforced by the Central Peace, and we implore you to stay tuned in until the end. Important information will be provided that will impact the daily lives of everyone in the entire world without exception.”

“As many of you are aware, the Fiends For Hire have recently been infiltrating every financial institution across the world. We are going to give you the specifics of what this means exactly, and what will change going forward. We will cut over to the Fiends shortly, but I’m told they have provided a statement to be read ahead of time.”

The showrunner handed Gedring a sheet of paper. It was one that she hadn’t looked over before, since the Fiends had only submitted it a few minutes ago, but she read it aloud without hesitation as any proper newscaster would. It was written by Phon Drazah. Any person who knew her could guess that she was the author within just the first few words.

“Greetings, Plebians of the world. We’re the Fiends for Hire, and now we’re in control. The Central Peace was unable to stop us, and have given in to all of our demands. You don’t need to be afraid. It won’t be so bad. We’re not changing any laws, not killing anyone off, we’re just changing a small aspect of your everyday lives. It may take some getting used to, but the world will be better off for it in the end. You’re welcome.”

“Now before we end this… I just realized something. I can write literally anything and Corein Gedring will be forced to say it live on the air in front of the entire world. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha let’s have a little bit of fun then, shall we?”

“I, Corein Gedring, do swear that I am a lapdog of the Central Peace. I will do anything they tell me, and will say whatever they want me to say. Please give me a treat masters, I’ve been a good girl. Woof woof.”

Gedring finished reading the page and her face was twisted with embarrassment and rage. She took a deep breath to calm down, and returned to her professional smile. “Well that was admittedly rather unpleasant, but now that it’s over, let's move on and… Wait… What’s this? At the bottom… Page 1 of 119?! There’s 119 pages! I’m sorry, but there is no way I’m reading that.”

Her showrunner ran up to her and started whispering in her ear. “The- the entire economy?!” She stammered, reacting to what she’d heard. “Wait, we’ll lose how much money?!” After a few more sentences, Gedring’s face went pale, and she turned back to her camera. Her professional smile was quivering, looking like it could crack at any moment. The showrunner came back a few seconds later and plopped a large stack of papers down in front of her. “Sorry about the delay, we’ll… be reading the rest of the statement now… All... 119 pages… I’d say this would be a good time to change the channel… but you can’t.”

Gedring picked up the second page, and read the title of it aloud, “GewdScrub™ washer and dryer combination-set instruction manual. A complete guide to getting the most out of your GewdScrub™ washer and dryer. Limited-warranty information included.” When Phon had realized the power she wielded, she had asked everyone else at the compound to contribute something to be read on the air. It could be anything they wanted, the more tedious the better. Her contribution was the instruction manual for the laundry appliances at their old apartment in Constead that she had packed by accident.

The manual went on for roughly ten pages, and Gedring held up surprisingly well for the duration. However, by the end, she had noticeably lost some steam and her reading pace had slowed. “Political corruption: 100 government officials who abused the system. Number 1: Mayor Duncas Cutley who illegally implemented a library tax.” This was Xard’s contribution: an article he’d found recently which included criminals from the past and even those still in office where their crimes were only unproven speculation. It went on for 15 pages.

“The pangobeetle then covers itself in its excretions attempting to form as spherical a shape as possible. Its entire goal in life is to roll around and add more mass to itself, becoming the biggest ball it possibly can until it collapses under the weight. It will use its own bile and excretions along with any other sticky substance it can find.” Pages 27-34 was the complete unabridged bestiary entry on pangobeetles that Drim had submitted. He most likely chose them from having them on the brain due to the events a few days ago.

At this point, Gedring’s reading speed had halved from its initial pace, and she had undone the collar on her shirt. Her posture was now a lot more slumped and a few of her bangs were out of place. “When the DNA is combined with that of another genus, the special men… uhhh, no, sorry… When the DNA is combined with that of another genus, the specimen-”

Gedring was now halfway through a theorem on genetic-splicing that Ahvra had submitted, which was 26 pages long. She had started flubbing her words a few pages in, and the longer she read, the more often it occurred. After another flub a few pages later, Gedring banged her head down on the desk and then clutched at her hair. “I’m sorry… It’s just, so boring! How do people read these with genuine enthusiasm?!”

After her mini-tantrum, Gedring completely frumped back in her chair, giving up any semblance of proper posture. Her showrunner brought her a bottle of water which she chugged down while undoing a few more buttons, leaving the top lining of her bra poking out just a bit. It was clear by her expression that she didn’t care in the slightest and looked like she wanted to get hit by a truck. She then stared in the camera, unblinking for several minutes. Finally, she sat back up and powered through the rest of the theorem.

“Next, mix the dough slowly with 39 concentric circles, then add in 48 miligrams of concentrated honey powder.” Gedrings stomach growled, her mouth was literally drooling, having to suck it back in every few words. She was now reading off an original recipe submitted by Mallea for ‘Strife Cookies’. It was an extremely tedious recipe with over 100 ingredients and terrifyingly precise instructions. One slip up would ruin the flavor, but if done right they were inarguably the best in the world.

“After… Applying… the… Third? Third… coat… of… lubricant…” Gedring’s reading had reached its breaking point. Her eyes were completely dead, her cadence was entirely monotone, and her pace was a dreadful slog. She was reading a tip article on proper maintenance for one’s tools submitted by Nathym. It wasn’t long, but so far it had taken the longest to get through. The full reading had taken over an hour up to this point, and the entire world was being subjected to it.

A few had turned it off but most didn’t dare miss out on seeing what the Fiends were up to, or wanted to see the trainwreck in front of them. Fortunately for Gedring, there was only one submission left to go, but it was the longest at 35 pages. “‘Lokka the Brave Quokka’ - a short story by Kada Susten. From the author: Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s my first time ever doing anything like it. Anyone, please feel free to send feedback to me at ‘kada@fiendmail’.”

At the beginning of the story, Gedring’s pace was still painfully slow, but had picked up slightly due to the change in what she was reading. As the story went on, though, she seemed to get generally interested. Halfway through the story she had sat up straight, unconsciously finger-combed her hair, and was now speaking with passion once again as if she were a professional storyteller. As the story went on, she started reading more dramatically, giving the characters voices and acting as if she was performing on stage in front of thousands. Well, it was actually billions, but semantics weren't important.

“Lokka the Brave Quokka stared down into the pit. She couldn’t see the bottom, and her heart was filled with despair. But no! She wasn’t going to give up! She had come this far, overcome so many trials, made new friends, and now she wasn’t going to let her deepest fear stop her. She grabbed onto her friends. With Xander the Lackadaisical Salamander on her right and Muffin the Passive-Aggressive Puffin on her left, she knew they could overcome anything. They headed towards the stairs of the pit, and-”

Gedring moved to the next page, but it was the last one. It was assumed that it would be a swift and grand climax, but that wasn’t the case at all. Gedring’s eyes sunk into despair, and tears started to flow as she muttered out the only sentence on the page “Sorry, our pet ate the ending, and I didn’t have time to write it again.” Gedring sobbed for a moment in grief, but then slammed her hands on the desk, scattering papers in every direction.

She glared at the camera, her eyes now fuming with fury. “No! No, that’s unacceptable! Do you know what I’ve been through?! All this zjik you’ve made me read?! Of course you do! Everyone at home has been sitting there, laughing at me as I was forced to suffer. But then we get to this, an actual good story that I was proud to read. And you robbed me of it!”

“Do they find the locket to cure Lokka’s mother so that she can stop crying?! Does Xander ever get it together?! What about Dole the Observant Mole?! They had to leave him behind, but surely he shows up at the end, right?! He has to! I need to know Kada Susten!” Gedring then leapt over her desk, ran over to the camera and grabbed it. While shaking it wildly, she screamed into the camera once more, “I NEED TO KNOW!” The feed then cut, and a ‘Please Stand By’ placard was displayed.

Thanks for reading this chapter. Feel free to leave a comment or review. I'd love to hear from you!

If you have an idea for a Fiend or Lesser, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM and I may use them in a later Volume!

More information about the series such as the Wiki and Social Medias can be found on the Fiends For Hire LinkTree!