Bebe paced around in front of me. “So you coughed a little. You’re a smoker, you’re going to cough. And how much punch were you slamming back all night? There’s plenty of explanations why that’d happen, it doesn’t have to mean…”

We’re back in my makeshift room at the lab. I didn’t get much sleep last night, after I got back from the party. Took all kinds of samples from me. Very much felt again like the first night here. Tossing and turning. It just… feels so real now. It’s happening, and it’s going to happen soon. 

I roll over to my side, watch her pace back and forth. “Even if it isn’t happening today. I have a day or two more max, right?” She stops, standing. She hasn’t said anything about me still wearing my costume from last night (sans ears and makeup), thank god. Honestly, at least this gives me a little comfort while knowing I could die at any second. My eyes just drift down to the floor, staring at the slight stain she was standing on.

She puts her hands on her hips, sighing slightly. “We just don’t know. The professor’s still doing everything he can to fix it. The tests to pump more mana into the field seemed promising, but it’s not solving the degeneration between fluctuations and then… Hey, are you listening?” 

Sabrina hums softly to her, touching her shoulder. She’s taken her disguise off, but still hanging around in the outfit from last night. Unusual for her, since I haven’t seen her wear the same thing twice yet. Didn’t really have time to change though, since she stayed with me overnight. She kept me company basically the entire night, since she doesn’t really need to sleep, only recharge semi regularly. “Darling, you’re not helping. Let her stew, ok?” Bebe huffs, crossing her arms, but complies. 

I point to the darker splotch around where she’s placed. “You’re standing on it.” She looks down to where I’m pointing, the stain. I spent the last night staring at it. “That’s where that monkey was when it died. You can tell that it never quite came out of the floor.”

Bebe involuntarily jumps back from the spot she’s in. Sabrina just quietly hums, tilting her head slightly. “Is that what you’ve been thinking about all night, Bree?”

I nod, deflated. “How much do you think my body is going to stain? Should I stand over the same spot to keep from making too big of a mess? Or should I go claim my own corner, say I’ve left at least some mark on the world.” 

Bianca walks up to me, kneeling down. Petting my hair softly. “I’m sorry. We still have time to figure–”

“No, don’t.” I sit up sharply, clenching my teeth. “I don’t care what’s being worked on. It’s not going to be in time, is it.” She sits blankly for a minute, before shaking her head no. I sigh, and then, put a wide smile on my face. I don’t know if it reaches my eyes, and I don’t care. “It’s ok. I’m almost ready to go. You and Sebrina gave me at least a wonderful night. And now I don’t have to go out without knowing, right? If only Brian could figure out what I did, his life is going to be so much better. If I could convince him, maybe that’ll have been enough for me.” I look up, over to the window out to the lab room. “That’s not what I want though.” 

Bianca looks up at me, pity on her face. “What is it? What do you want?”

“I want to see Mom. I need to say goodbye.” 

She nods, hugs me tight. “Okay.”

The plan is simple. Frank is keeping tabs on Brian, asking him and Morty to hang out this afternoon, giving me updates on my cell. After he leaves, I’ll slip into the house, and talk to Ma. Then slip back out before he can even realize that I’ve come in. 

Bianca took point on driving, letting Sabrina charge for a while in the back room. I didn’t need to prep much, just took the falsies and the makeup off, but otherwise left the outfit the same. I fidget with the pull string on the hoodie Frank lent me that I threw on ontop of everything else. The fact that it’s two sizes too big and pretty thick material helps hide how I’ve gotten so much smaller than Brian is. Hopefully she won’t suspect a thing.

Bianca parked a few houses down from mine, waiting for the all clear. She leans over from the driver seat. “Are you going to be ok in there? You don’t think it’s going to be too much?”

I shake my head. Focused on clicking random things on my phone, not really paying any attention at all. “I have to be ok. The only people I know that I would want to say goodbye to are the guys, Ma, and… Well, I’m never getting a chance with him. I can’t miss this one too.” She leans over, rubs the top of my arm softly. My notification sound goes off. A message from Frank.

> ENTERED BAR. GETTING APPS. HERE FOR LONG HAUL.

“Alright, it’s go time. Wait for me here.” I unbuckle myself, get out of the car. Throw the hood over my head, and briskly walk up to my house. Flick my lighter open and closed on my way over, nervously tittering. I calm myself at the front door, take a few breaths. Ring the doorbell. I can hear a bit of shuffling in the background. Grit my teeth.

“Hello? Oh Brian, why not go through the garage? What are you doing home so soon?” God damn it. Her face is warm. I never noticed how many little wrinkles there are on it now. Crows feet lining the edges of her eyes. God I really don’t want to cry… 

I push into the foyer, shut the door behind me. “Sorry. Forgot my wallet.” 

Her face immediately screws up weird. What is it? God, am I too obvious? “What’s with your voice? Do you have a cold? Is that why you’re back?”

Oh shit, I forgot to take the changer off. I pretend to cough, put my lighter down on the foyer to clear my hands, click the choker off my neck, let it fall into my shirt. “Sorry, frog in my throat. I’m fine, I’m fine. I really just forgot my wallet.” I try my hardest not to wince at the sound of my natural voice again. 

She shrugs. “Ok kiddo, if you say so.”

I shuffle into the house, her turning her back to me, walking away. I take the moment to shove the choker into the front big hoodie pocket while she’s not looking. I guess she’s cooking or something. I look over. Meatballs. My mouth salivates. I tail her into the kitchen, seeing the little orbs floating in the pasta sauce. “Can… Can I have one of those?”

She looks at me funny again. “They’re for dinner. You know they’re not done yet. You can’t wait?” I can’t help it, my lips quiver a bit. I bite at it, trying not to show how ruined I am at the idea of not getting to taste her food again. “Oh, ok. Get a plate, you can have one.” I nearly skip over to the cabinet, grab one of the small side plates, and grab a couple out of the pot. “Hey, one!” 

I sit down at the island counter, taking a small bite out of one. I’m determined to savor them. It’s still a little pink on the inside, the sauce must be freshly started because it has that harsh acidic canned tomato flavor to the whole thing. It’s perfect. I close my eyes, let an involuntary little moan out of my mouth. 

“Well, I’m glad you like it. Kiddo, are you sure you’re ok? You’re acting kind of strange.” I… This isn’t working. Why am I even bothering to hide everything? For Brian’s sake? I should just say everything, right now… And put her through losing her kid too, when he’s going to be here the next day.

“No. I’m… I’m thinking about the old town.”

She sighs, pulling up a chair next to me. “The news of the rally, right?” I pretend to nod, agreeing about that. “I thought you were acting pretty strange lately. You’ve been so hostile, like I remembered you being as a kid.” She wraps an arm around me, holding me tight. “Hey, you’re safe. No one is coming for us, no matter what a bunch of backwooders bussing up for a rally in the big city means.”

I reach over, touching her hand on my shoulder. I can’t help it anymore, I lean into her and start bawling. I didn’t really cry about the things that happened growing up, about anything after that especially. I just can’t hold it in anymore. She seems alarmed for a second, but then pulls me in tight, shushing me, petting my back. It just makes me cry harder. “Shhhh, shhh baby, it’s ok. You’re ok.” She pets my hair softly as the snot and the tears finish leaking out.

I sniffle, slowing down. I don’t know why this thought comes to my head, but it does. “How did it feel? When you lost dad?” I never really thought about him much, since he died before I was even born. We never much talked about him either; by the time I was old enough to think about that we were both dealing with bigger problems.

She pats my back softly. “I was scared. And angry. That someone could be so selfish to take the man I loved away for a few piddly bucks.” 

I lean in to her. “People can be cruel. Anyone can be cruel when they get desperate. I’m sure they thought they were going to die in that second, and had to save themselves.” 

She sighs, still holding me close. “I know, but that doesn’t make it feel any better. I can’t help but hate those men still. Thank god I still had you, that I wasn’t alone. I don’t know what I would have done then.” She looks down at me again, petting my hair softly. “As if what I did was great in the first place. I was scared they would take you away too. That’s why I let myself be convinced that place would be safe. I’m sorry I was so wrong kiddo.” She squeezes me tight, rubbing my back softly.

“Mom?” I look up to her, rubbing my eyes softly. “Don’t let me clam up again, ok? I’m going through a lot right now, but just… Keep pushing me. Make me admit the things I don’t want to. Ok? Don’t let that place make me what they want me to be.” Maybe I still can do some good. Maybe I can make Brian stop being that cornered man, thinking it was him or the world. 

She looks at me side eyed. “Ok. I promise you. Is there… is there something you want to tell me?” God, she must think I’m insane. Maybe I am.

I should. Force Brian to backtrack, to think of a reason why he has to hide from her. But I know that’ll just hurt him more. I shake my head no. “It’s just the rally bringing up bad memories. I’ll be ok, I promise.”

I feel a buzzing in my pants pocket. I pull my phone out to see a new message.

>HUGE FIGHT HEADING HOME. GET OUT OF THERE!!!!

God damn it, no. I don’t want to go yet! I sniffle, pulling my way back out of her arms. “I have to go.” I get up, backing away from the kitchen.

“Are you sure kiddo? You didn’t finish your meatballs.” I shake my head softly, trying to prevent my tears from coming back.

“I love you mom. I always did. You did everything you could, you know.” I bolt out the door before she can say anything. 

Running right to the car, hopping into the passenger’s seat. “Go, go, go! They’re coming back!” Bebe books it out of there, tires squealing on the way out.

CassieSandwich

And I sat there on the steps, considering death. There were only seconds left of the night. And I said that hell was the sun, burning forever at the center of things.

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