You have to tell them at some point– he thought – Fuck

 

The ferry cut its trail through the sea towards Brana. Wind blew waves on the sea and across Luke’s loose hoodie; it chilled his close-cropped skull. He watched the sea using the railing to prop up his box of chips, playing the game of unfocusing his mind just enough to stop conscious thought almost entirely without going so far that his unconscious bubbled up; just chip grease and the patterns in the wake.

 

Consciously he was still worried there was some trick in the wording of the bursary; that the easy money Dylan had figured out was, until delivered into his hands, a wild goose chase and 12 half marathons for naught. He needed the money so he could stop relying on his parents for the next school year. Unconsciously, his brain was trying to make him face why he needed to stop relying on his parents next year. You have to tell them. 

 

"Explain it to me then, Luke?" Callie asked. She had sidled up to him quietly and Luke's subtle flinch almost made him drop the last of his chips overboard.

 

"Oh?" Luke said. He felt vulnerable getting caught with those thoughts in his head.

 

"Why are we spending all summer on a one-shop island which didn't get internet until like, last year?"

 

"Ah, uh, yeah, so… Dylan figured it out, you should maybe ask him?”

“He’s in the bog. He’s seasick apparently”

 

“Is that what they’re calling it these days?” Luke raised his eyebrows and explained: ”There's this bursary at mine and Dylans uni called the Young Man’s Island Runnend r’s Bursary but, and I called to confirm this, it’s gone unclaimed for the last five years. You need to run like 12 registered half-marathons on one of 3 islands and the only halfway feasible way to do it is to run the weekly Branna half-marathon like every week it runs: all through the summer.“

 

“Ouch”

 

”Ouch is right. I dug about and it’s purposefully stupid and hard to even figure out how qualify for because it's hard to figure out the Branna Half Marathon runs weekly and the wording is kind of odd. Apparently because it was made as a way to funnel money from it’s patron to his son and write it off as charity, but he died and the son disappeared and the money is just waiting for some stupid runner to take the prize.”

 

“And you and Dylan can, what, both get it? Split it?”

 

“I think so” Luke said, and felt a rush of doubt. You’ve checked this five times already. Still he pulled out his phone to see the saved copy of the website “Up to two island runner’s bursaries are awarded each year.” read the page. He mouthed it to himself like a good luck charm all the same.

 

“God, I can’t believe I have nowhere better to spend summer than some remote island with two sweaty men running marathons.”

Men, Fuck! Luke stuck his fingernails into his palm. Why did she have to say men?

 

“And girls.” Luke forced out of his mouth “Dylan’s sister’s there”

“Yeah I keep forgetting Katie’s already there, I hope she bought food!”

 

***

 

“Oh my God! I really hope she bought food” droned Callie,  “We’ve been walking for an hour!”

 

“Fifty minutes! We just passed town ten minutes ago so we’re only, like, five more to go. Knees up!” Dylan marched past them like a beefeater for effect, “But she probably has, Katie’s terminally organised and she comes here, like,every year with a new boy, so I’m sure she knows the drill”

 

“I can’t believe you spent the last half hour puking into a ferry loo.” said Callie “You’re too peppy; were you doing lines in there? If you stay here every year, have you ever met the rich guy?” 

 

“What rich guy?” replied Dylan

 

“The original guy who got the bursary” Luke mumbled

 

“Speak up man”

 

“The original bursary guy.” Callie repeated, “Like, the money was all laundered so one guy could get it, did you ever meet him? Since you come here every year”

 

“For one, I don't come here every year, my sister does and I travel to exotic corners.” Said Dylan, “She might have met him I guess? He disappeared, what, three years ago? And for two I don't imagine she'd like him if she did; all the boys she meets end up in messy break ups. I haven't heard from a single one of her exes in years. She knows some girls that live around here so they might have met him, I guess?"

 

The cottage came slowly round the corner as the trio trudged along the unmaintained road, it looked surprisingly pleasant against the state of island infrastructure. Somehow everything man-made on Branna looked in a state of disrepair; it’s finish sandblasted away by nature.

 

“See, there we go!” Dylan waved and the others saw his sister on the porch, “Hey! Hi! Katie!”

 

Katie held up a mug in a toast to their arrival. She was still a little way off, but Luke saw her and looked for the family resemblance; it was there under all the black ripped clothes. She was slim like her brother but without his lean muscle it made her look skeletal, spooky. Still she had his charming affect in the way she grinned wide enough to be seen from their distance. She was a couple of years older than Dylan apparently, Luke couldn’t see where the years went on her.

 

“Tea?” She asked when they got closer, “I didn’t get milk, but I have a lot of herbal stuff”

 

“Oh thank god! You’ve been to the shops!” said Callie, exhaling with joy as she collapsed on the deck.

 

 ***

 

The cottage was cosy. Years of holiday photos covered every surface. The main room served as kitchen-living-dining room, and had accumulated years of board games, tatty books, and interesting shells; the three bedrooms had similar character. Katie had taken one and seemingly converted it into a botany-laboratory with plants, in various stages from seedling to dried, hanging from the roof. Dylan had apparently had one of them in childhood; his old teddy still on the bed. The final was more plain, apparently for guests.

 

“Ok! three bedrooms and four of us, who’s bunking?” asked Dylan.

 

“Ew! No way am I in with either of you if you’re going to be sweating all summer; I can’t come back to the mainland smelling of your pits and whatever other fluids you decide to spray around”

 

Luke dug his fingers into his palms, he didn’t know if he could deal with being seen like that all summer, or with getting undressed in front of Dylan. He was always careful to bring a change to running meets or go in the bathroom; his body felt so big in public, so broad, so there.

 

“Ha ha. Can’t the brother and sister share?” Luke offered, as casually as he could muster.

 

“No way, man, last time she was in the same room as me I woke up with her friggin’ snake on my chest! Never again!”

 

“Aww, she doesn’t bite!” Katie batted her eyes in faux-innocence and saved Luke from his dread.  “Callie, you should stay with me; it’ll be a little all girl sleepover. Oh and, Dylan, you’re never entirely safe; snakes go missing around here all the time” 

 

Callie smiled at this, “You do have the biggest room, and I’ll share with you if it means not sharing with them!”

 

This conversation was taking it out on Luke’s head. His heart hurt. He muttered something like: “I’m not that bad am I…” –You Have to tell them– but nobody quite took notice, and so the rooms were decided. His was the featureless guest room, it felt stayed in, but never quite owned.

 

***

 

Luke woke up to the beeping of a watch alarm. It was Thursday morning. The first race was on Saturday, so these couple of days were to be savoured. These were the last couple of days he wouldn’t be so fully in his body, like he would be with 13 miles of stiffness in his legs. Still, the thought was counterproductive, it alone placed him back behind his bleary eyes, feeling his shoulders and knees in his pyjamas. Hollow energy pushed him out of bed then, into the main room.

 

Katie was already up and dressed, she raised her cup to greet him as she had yesterday, but with just the two of them in the kitchen it felt… more forceful? She managed to command a certain assuredness that wouldn’t let Luke forget he was in his pyjamas.

 

“He-Hello?” he said.

 

“Hi.” Her voice flowed like syrup “You’re the first one up, it’s nice to meet you alone. Tea?”

 

“Uh, sure”

 

Katie reached behind herself and clicked the kettle on to boil. The tea she made was sweet even without sugar. The silence as she made it felt friendly without feeling comfortable.

 

“I’m surprised you’re here, to be honest. Callie makes sense, but I didn’t expect my brother to invite competition” she said

 

“Oh- I’m not- uh- he said that you said- and the website said- there were two awards?” Luke stuttered Fuck did I miss something?

 

Katie furrowed her brows, then leaned back and laughed from the bottom of her throat, “Ha! I understand what’s happened! It's, pfft, poetic frankly. You should drink that and then get dressed.” She offered.

 

“Is something… did I get something wrong?” He asked.

 

“Oh, oh no pet, my brother might’ve, nothing I can’t put right mind you. Sometimes the stars align that way.” She took a beat so Luke couldn’t quite connect what she said next to what she said last, “Oh this is going to be such a fun summer!”

 

***

“I said you should bring a girl!”

 

“I brought Callie!”

 

“No– because there are two different… Urgh!”

 

The roar of the shower kept most of the discussion between Katie and Dylan out of Luke’s ears. He liked it that way. Snatches of laughter and the odd exclaimed curse broke through the peace and Luke had to tell himself It’s going to be fine it’s ok it’s going to be fine. The water on his back melted his own perception of himself comfortingly; his shoulders felt hot, so they couldn’t feel broad. His feet were more careful in the wet tub; smaller in traction if not quite size. He was happy losing himself if he closed his eyes. It’s fine and you’re here now no matter what happens. It’s fine. It’s fine.

 

When he was dressed he reentered the kitchen, apparently Dylan and Katie had moved on to some other topic of conversation. “You’re sure?” Dylan trailed off as Luke entered.

 

“What’s up?” Luke asked.

 

“Oh, it’s all good, there *are* two bursaries, but apparently you need to make sure you register for the races the right way.” Dylan waved a hand dismissively “Bureaucracy, whatever.”

 

“It’ll be… fun. I’ll take you tomorrow to make sure it’s all sorted before the race.” said Katie, “You can still just register on the day though. I’ve helped a few friends get the woman’s bursary, yours should work the same way.”

 

Luke’s mind whirred. He felt like he was missing something, but wasn’t sure what.

 

“Tea?”

 

Whatever he was thinking, it was gone.

 

***

 

That afternoon the plan was to take a walk on the beach while the weather held up. It was a slow stroll. Little groups formed and broke up as one straggler drifted forward or fell behind. The landscape felt grand and sheltered. High cliffs blocked off the route inland apart from a couple spots where stairs were cut down; the sound of the sea bounced off them in odd ways making synthetic-sounding “sheow”s and “zwoop”s.

 

“So what’s up with you dude?” Dylan asked Luke “I know exams at the end of term can be real time sinks but I haven’t seen you at all the last couple of months. You got a girl you’re not telling me about?”

“Oh, uh, no. No girls.” –kind of a girl though, right?-- ”I uh, yeah I guess I just felt a bit busy with revision” you didn’t do fuck all you were in your room sleeping through it and eating cereal bars.

 

“Well it’s good to get to see you now” said Dylan. “It only took a bunch of money to lure you out.”

 

“You’re a good friend, I’m sorry I’m not more social.”

 

“No no, don’t think about it. I just want to make sure you’re alright, man.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dylan paused, stared down the discomfort of the conversation for a second, and blinked  “So there’s pretty much fuck all internet here but we still get TV and we have a playstation” he said “Have you played Grand Prix 2014?”

 

They dropped back into chatter: The latest TV series, the way their courses were disorganised, places they had to go when they got back in 3 months. Eventually they fell into comfortable quiet and clumped up again with the girls. The other girls.

 

"Decided to fall back and join us?" Callie asked “We were just talking about Summer projects, do you have any? I’m going to finally read Tolkien.” 

 

“The half-marathons?” Dylan said, “I don’t know if you had forgotten or..?”

 

“Oh my God obviously but what about the other six days? Did you bring a book? Are you learning Spanish?”

 

“Me and Luke were gonna get some world-class times on the Grand Prix 2014 Leaderboard, right?”

 

“Uh yeah I guess” Luke said.

 

“Sounding confident there L” Katie smirked “Not much of a project though, is there really nothing you’ve been putting off?” 

 

Can she see through me? She called me Elle? L?

 

“Not uh, Not really?” One thing, but that’s staying in the fucking backlog

 

“Guess you’re the test subject then! I was thinking of doing some sewing, maybe some cooking, if you sit still I’ll end up using you for makeup practice”

 

“I’d uh, I, um, I’d’ Fuck what do you say to that? I want that but.. no! Shit No we are not facing that right now “I’m good as I am thanks.” Fucker!

 

“Oh relax! No makeup if it’s such a threat to your musky unshaved masculinity, but I’ll have you looking pretty pretty soon, mark my words.”

 

Somewhere in Luke’s brain his desire was sprinting and windmilling arms as some impostor for common sense held it back by the scruff of the neck. Whatever was left in his head made his mouth force out an apologetic smile.

 

“Yeah, anyway… maybe I’ll get some reading done?” I should shave, shit. “Do we turn back here? Or?” 

 

“Yeah we head up here and we can go back via the shops. What’re we thinking for dinner? Pasta?” 

 

******

 

The pasta was nice. They ate it outside and the summer air still pulled the heat out of it before anyone could finish but the simple bolognese Katie whipped up was spicy to make up for it. The Cottage had a view of the sea, and they sipped whiskey as the sun went down late.

 

****

 

The whiskey was still swimming around a little in Luke when he woke up. He could faintly hear the girls –The other girls– In the main room; it was barely separated by a metre of hallway from any of the rooms. Still, he didn’t want to leave his bed to actually talk to them so he listened in. Callie could have sworn down, apparently, that she had packed The Hobbit, but she couldn’t find it in her bag. Katie suggested she check out the library in town in the afternoon. Oh! the porridge was ready apparently, Luke took the chance to hop out of bed. She –He! Fuck! How bad did the alcohol send you spiralling into yourself last night! – had enough post-booze hunger to override h–his– bed-based comfort.

 

“Morning Lu, You’re bang in time for porridge, if you want some?” offered Katie “Or did you hear and get up for it?”

 

“Yeah I ah, serendipitous timing I guess,  I smelled it when I woke up.”

 

“You feeling good?” Callie asked, affecting Katie’s head-nod-cup-raise gesture  “That bottle was full 12 hours ago” she gestured to the mostly empty whiskey bottle.

 

“I don’t know how much of that was me; I don’t think I got that far gone” Which was half true. Luke always stopped when he started feeling his thoughts slipping places he didn’t want them because he was afraid of his mouth slipping places he didn’t want it.

 

“I was going to head to the library later” said Callie between spoonfuls of porridge “do you want to come?”

 

“He’s with me” said Katie “We’ve got to go see a friend and make sure he gets registered correctly tomorrow, remember? But you could steal him if you have him back by lunch.” said Katie, “We have to wait on the tide anyway.”

 

“You want to?” asked Callie.

 

Luke sprinkled some brown sugar on his bowl. 

 

“Yeah alright, I could get ready pretty quick, let me finish this and get out of my pjs.”

 

Luke ate quickly; pulled on jeans and a hoodie despite the weather -even on branna- being too warm for hoodies in early June; and took an empty rucksack assuming he’d check something out himself. They left Katie (she volunteered to wash up breakfast) and Dylan (asleep). The walk took them back along the unpaved road to the only local town, Brone. Luke and Callie had so far only walked through Brone a couple of times, and had seen only a small section of the high street that sidled up to the circular road around the island. They had barely walked along it only as far as the co-op that served as the one supermarket within a two hour walk or a ferry. They turned onto the high street again this time and walked a little further up looking for the library. Brone High Street was a charming mix of listed architecture and betting shops and betting shops in listed architecture. A couple of off licences operating on handwritten prices sandwiched a chain coffee shop done up to look like every other chain coffee shop a couple of years ago. The Library was an optimistic build in the 80s, taller than its neighbours in two glorious stories of concrete, and muffled as only a library can be with layers of community yoga class posters and world book day cutouts of children’s characters on the walls. The librarian glanced at them as they came in, they didn’t interact but turned to find some relevant section-title on the bookcases.

 

“This is fantasy. It should be here, can you find T?” asked Callie

 

“Stevens, Swayze, Talbot, Teesdale, Trebbins, Vincent. Yeah nothing between Teesdale and Trebbins.”

 

“Shit, there’s the Lord of the Rings on the bottom, no Hobbit though”

 

“You could ask, I guess? Suggested Luke, pulling out the Trebbins book, it had a stock photo of a rose on it and the review ‘It’s Great!’ from the west midlands review of books, Luke resolved to take it out and see what it was about.

 

“Gimme a sec.” Callie wandered over to the desk while Luke leafed through the foreword to A Rose Of Fire And Roses. When she returned she gave Luke a short jump; he had gotten a little carried away with the flowery language.

 

“It was in the children’s section,” Callie laughed a little “I’ve taken it out, so if you want to withdraw that I think that’s all we need.”

 

Luke took the cue. He had to fill out a form and write his name on the back of a library card, and tossed the book in his rucksack.

 

******

 

“Glad you’re back!” said Katie “I made soup”. She had, and it was good; lentily but bright pink “I added beetroot, for colour!” It was earthy and salty and all the more nourishing for coming out of mismatched bowls. “We’re meeting my friend Hannah this afternoon,” She slurped, about 15 minutes later “She’s got the woman’s bursary a few years back. Do you remember her Dylan? I don’t remember if you’ve met before.”

 

“Maybe? Is she the one with the hair?”

 

“Sure, pet, she has hair. She got the bursary a while ago and she had to do some.. Stuff about it, so I asked and she said if you come over she’ll keep you right. You’ll like her I think, she used to be a lot like you.”

 

“Oh, how so? Did she study the same thing or?”asked Luke.

 

“I think she did a music degree, but yeah something like that. She had a similar facial expression to you, head in the clouds.”

 

Luke furrowed his brow -urgh brow- manually, his awareness drawn back to his facial expression, I have a facial expression?

 

“I layed down some good times this morning, by the way, you’ll need to get on your game to catch me!” Piped up Dylan after the silence.

 

“I’m gonna smoke you tomorrow in the real world, no need to get good at games!” Luke replied, he earned a smile from Katie.

 

Luke cleaned up lunch. There was something soothing about having wet hands and hearing running water. He normally kept his hands out of his mind or felt ear ringingly iffy about them, but like in the shower running water always sort of melted his mental map of them. He threw an occasional quip at Dylan as he tried and failed to beat his previous lap time on the console on the other side of the big room. Callie did a good job of ignoring them both and making steady progress though her plastic covered copy of the hobbit, and Katie was in her room “Packing a bag for the walk”.

 

They set off early in the afternoon, “taking the scenic route” apparently, first along the grey overcast beach and then along the coastal path by a rocky patch of coast. Katie rustled around her canvas shoulder-bag looking for something, asked Luke to “Hold this”, a Victorian looking hand mirror, pulled out a ziplock of Smarties, then returned the mirror.

 

“Stop here for a second, would you?” She said, halting by a pond-sized tidal pool covered on three sides by the cliffs and rocky and steep at its lip. The area they were standing on presumably flooded at high tide making a perfect little swimming pool, except the fact it was obviously as freezing as the sea that filled it even on a warm summer day.

 

“What’s up?” asked Luke.

 

“It’s about the bursary and my brother.” replied Katie, “Here’s the thing: I love my brother to bits and I’d do anything for him: that’s why I told him about the bursary, that’s why I pulled strings to keep the men’s bursary going until he could get it. I loved my friend Hannah too, so I pulled strings to make sure she got the woman’s bursary when she couldn’t get the men’s. I've pulled those strings a few times for my partners, but those are all the strings I can pull. So I told Dylan about the bursary, and about the second bursary in case he had a friend that could take it but, and I’m sorry for this, you can’t both get it and I can’t let you take it over him, so this is me pulling a string. Do you understand?”

Luke felt like he almost did, but there was something missing. He had plans for next year and he needed that money, that stability, to see them through without his parents' support. What had she said that he had missed? The sea was loud, the pool-cove focused the white noise on him so he couldn’t hear himself think, static straight to the brain. Katie spoke above it.

 

“Luke, there are two bursaries, but there aren’t two men’s bursaries.” she said, and pushed him into the water.