Trigger warning: Recount of emotional abuse
……
Mikka’s body was buried under a pile of blankets and unfolded laundry as her mind spiralled in a haze of bad memories and dreams.
……… what a colossal mistake, wasted so many months of my precious youth dating somebody who turned out to be the biggest bastard of all time, and it took me so long to even realise it, and even longer to recover from it. What the fuck Mikka, you dumb-ass spindly tofu! You should’ve realised it from the moment he looked at you with that intense look that he would switch on just for you, but noooo, you were far too busy crushing on him and his golden-bronze tan and his rugged dashing looks and being so in awe of him because he was captain of the school track team, national team, Mr. Popular, and every other girl wanted to throw wet panties at him and be his girlfriend. You turd-brain custard pudding, you were so over the moon when he paid you any glimmer of attention in the hallways, and everyone looked at you with envy and you thought you were so cool and hot, and your stupid little butterflies in your stomach when he paid you a back-hand compliment for being faster than all the boys in school, him included. HAH. At least I beat him by a solid few seconds, but then he didn’t have any way to soothe his wounded ego except by taking it out on me later.
God fucking dammit I should have just played small from the beginning. But I wanted to impress him, wanted to wow everyone, prove to everybody that I was made of special stuff, and he was impressed, and it made sense to everyone that we got together to be the cool couple, Mackie and Mikka, Mikka and Mack, M&M, just like the chocolate that melts in your hand not in your mouth. No. The other way round. Mouth not hand. What the fuck does it matter, fuck, mouth, hand, hand to mouth, hand-foot-mouth, everything melts down in the end. Like me. I’m having a meltdown. This is a meltdown. I’m melting the fuck down. Just swallow me whole already and make this all fucking stop.
… I’m scared.
Even the parentals liked him at first, when I brought him home that first time. They always wanted me to focus on academics first so we said he was just a friend but I’m sure they knew that he fucking wasn’t, that we were fucking fucking in my fucking room. And he was so charming with them and they completely fell heels-over-head for him: Can I get you another helping, Mack? Yes please, your cooking is sooo delicious, Mikka’s so lucky she gets to eat such amazing food everyday. Well then you should come by more often, see if you can help Mikka out with her studies and homework too, she’s good at maths and sciences but needs help for everything else hahahahaha… They knew but they didn’t fucking know, how the fighting started soon after that, just him getting unhappy over some things at first, then smaller and smaller things, disagreements turned into arguments gradually escalating into full on screaming matches.
Over what? …… I couldn’t tell you.
Honest to fucking god I swear I don’t fucking know, it would start with one thing and then another thing and then another and then Why did you have to go out with that friend to that place at that time, What fun you were having talking to that guy, Why did you touch his arm like that, Why did you say that word, Don't use that fucking tone with me, You think you know everything don't you, How dare you interrupt me, You do the exact same thing You fucking hypocrite Why did you say that about me to your friends What about all the things that I gave you All the flowers All the presents All the holiday trips flying Business Class Why do you keep painting me in such a bad light Don’t you see they don’t really have your best interests at heart They’re just jealous that we’re happy… Filling my mind with doubt doubts so many doubts about everyone him myself scared so scared that if he could realise how flawed and unlovable I am then everyone else would be able to see as well if they knew what was happening between us
What if they find out now? What if they see the videos and see how stupid I was, how shameful?
What if they ask and I have to tell them all about how he developed a feather trigger over everything I said or did, anywhere I went with anyone that wasn't him, but I couldn’t tell anybody because it was just his insecurity, right? Every couple fights, but they still love each other, right? I just had to love him more so that he wouldn’t get jealous, right? If he got jealous it means I didn’t do a good enough job, and I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was such a failure at being the girlfriend of The Great Mackie, golden boy of every social circle everyone would definitely be on his side because I was just that new noisy girl who ran fast but then fight fight fighting fighting all the time and I got so tired didn’t know what was what anymore didn’t dare to look anybody in the eye for too long because so tired so scared so tired tired until some days I couldn’t get out of bed and just lay there crying because I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong this time what I’d said wrong that time until he hated me so much
……… Am I so unlovable?
What do I have to do to let him love me again like he did at the beginning, so that he loves me enough to give me that kitten he promised that we’d raise together one happy family round and round the rosey It’s A Small World After All everyone could see how small I became because he hated when I attracted others’ attention to myself and then he’d get angry and I’d get paralysed and cry until he came knocking at my house my bedroom until he held me and he could be gentle and I felt that he could love me again and nothing seemed to work except his soothing, because that’s love, right, I need you and you need me and nobody else especially when everybody else was telling me he wasn’t good for me and I was fading but I was too tired to talk about it and I wasn’t ready to leave because M&M fits in your mouth and in your hand because kittens because happy couple Happy Family because it was me that wasn’t doing enough, he needs more of me and I just need to dig that out from deep inside myself, because that’s what love is, right?
… Right…?
And I thought he loved me for sure because he had these bursts of passion where he wanted me again, even though sometimes in places that I didn’t want to do it, like that time he pushed me up against the wall of the locker room after practice and shoved my face against the wall and I was terrified that somebody would come in and catch us fucking but I guess he wanted people to see that he owned me just because I laughed at something somebody else probably another boy had said during training but if we’d been caught fucking in school that would be the end of both of us I was so fucking scared but he want to fuck me so badly because that must be desire must be love right? And I was so sore and raw after that because I couldn’t get wet enough because I was scared and he didn’t even use a rubber what if I got pregnant and everybody found out and my cheek was bruised but by that time everything hurt everywhere all the time inside and out and scared but it was always my fault for setting him off because he only got jealous because he loved me
…… right?
WRONG
Relief when I finally shook free of him ByeByeBye but now these videos are out and when the fuck did he even take them it must have been him it couldn’t have been anybody else there wasn't anybody else was there I don’t remember it’s a blur but he’s not in town anymore but the Internet reaches all corners It’s A Small World After All It’s A Small Small World fuck your stupid pumpkin brain Mikka now everyone’s gonna see how weak you were and you can laugh it off but everybody look at you differently once they see that video but who else can you blame there’s nobody to blame but yourself for letting yourself be put into that position and I don’t even like having sex standing up fuck and if the parentals see then it’s not even Parental Guidance anymore just Parental Grievance fuck I’m a goddamn fucking grievance they can’t find out about this I’m scared they can’t find out just leave me alone leave me alone please leave Me aLONE please I’m scared leave me a cup a cup of water leave me a culpa mea culpa fuck religion god has no ears kitten ears mea culpa mea culpa leave me alone it’s my fault I know I know I shouldn’t have I’m scared just Leave Me The tRuMpEt FuCk AlOnE LEAVE ME AL—
“Mikka. I’m coming in.”
……
