A world of smiles, the carnival. Everybody seemed to be having fun in such an unnecessarily eventful place. It was a little overwhelming. Even from the entrance, the sounds of people chatting, children laughing, games being played, rides zooming by…

 

    They’re late.

 

    “Hey, Yu!”

 

    That familiar, gravelly voice. As if he doesn’t care how loud he is. I turned around to see a plain orange button-up with an extended collar, along some huge, dark forearms in my peripheral vision. Far too close for comfort. I jolted back a bit and looked up to see Garald’s toothy grin. There wasn’t a thought behind those beaming eyes, given plenty of room away from his bleached hair which seemed to defy gravity. He didn’t even have a lot of it, which leaves him without the excuse I have. Even from here, I thought I could see hair gel caked onto it.

 

    Before he could say something dumb, I decided to break the ice myself. “I was waiting in the spot, you know.”

 

    “Oh! Yeah, I forgot to tell you that I moved the meeting spot. I forgot to tell the others, too.”

 

    “So you just.. decided on your own?”

 

    He seemed to brush off my remark with a chuckle, earning himself an annoyed look. Garald noticed and gave me a few pats on the shoulder. A bit too rough when considering my skinny frame. Not like such a muscle machine would sympathize enough to hold back.

 

    “I already found Barb, though! She’s waiting at the spot. The new one, I mean. Not the wrong one that you were waiting at.”

 

    “Yeah, I get it.”

 

    That seemed to get a laugh from him. “Anyway, anyway… Did you see Rubi on the way here? She didn’t text us.”

 

    I glanced around without moving my head too much, as if I expected her to materialize at the sound of her name. With a bit of a smirk, I answered him, “Nah. Think she took the long route?”

 

    “She so would! Haha!”

 

    Okay, it wasn’t that funny.

 

    “Friends!!” Yelled a high-pitched yet straightforwardly steeled voice. The two of us turned around to see a short, thin, bespectacled girl with long, light brown hair, wearing a medium-length skirt and a casual blue top. She revealed a wooden sword and smacked the tip into the ground with a determined look in her eyes.

 

    The same as usual. What do you think we came here to do? Fight aliens? You don’t have to bring that thing. It’ll be hard to keep track of. None of these thoughts left my lips, though.

 

   “There she is! You’re late! That’s unlike you.” Garald tilted his head at her, seemingly concerned for a bit before easing up when she smiled back at him, clearly not bothered by anything. “Training went a little long. Thanks for the concern, big guy.”

 

    “Ooh! Still doing that Hemuh stuff?”

 

    “Actually, it’s H. E. M. A. Historical European Martial Arts. Pretty cool, huh? I brought up teaching Kendo as well and showed the other students some techniques. I’m a novice, though…”

 

    My lip twitched a bit before I chimed up in order to bring their attention back to what we came here for in the first place. “Come on, b.. big guy. What are we here for..?” Damn it, that was so awkward. My voice cracked a little near the end of that sentence. His reaction was one of shock, only adding to my embarrassment, before revealing how happy he was to hear that with a playful punch to the shoulder.

 

    “Ever calculating, eh, Yu? Yep, I brought you here for a good reason. Come on.” He grabbed both of our hands and started a dash in the opposite direction, almost sending my scarf off with the sudden speed. Rubi kept up in spite of her skinny limbs, although it took her a great many more steps to reach his stride. I had to run in a rather unsightly manner to keep up, trying to hold back my heavy breathing so as to not embarrass myself. A memory of Rubi came to mind, telling me that trying not to exhale only makes one more exhausted and that I should just breathe naturally. Alas, I kept up the front, only causing my exhaustion to increase.

 

    As we approached the “spot” that Garald had decided for us, a tall girl leaning against a pole came into view. She chewed what I assumed to be bubblegum and gave us a stern face, as if she were angry with us for making her wait so long. Her furled lip revealed more of her large, ring-shaped piercing protruding from the lip. Normally I would think it to be gaudy, but she made it work. Garald released our hands and suddenly sped up towards her. I could see the muscles in his calves tense up, as if exploding with energy off of the ground. His speed now was so fast, I was shocked that what we felt before was just a light jog for him.

 

    Rubi smiled and timidly waved with her hand raised only slightly, “Good evening, Barbara.”

 

    “There they are. Gloomlord and Ninja Girl.” She didn’t react to Garald’s dash, popping a pink bubble and sucking the gum back into her mouth. Rubi replied, “I think Samurai is more accurate,” but it seemed like only I heard it. Barb pulled her hands out of her pocket and brushed her pink hair out of her eyes before tensing up her large biceps and kicking forward to meet Garald’s enthusiasm with a mean clothesline. It knocked him off the ground and onto his back with a thud, causing her to give a smug grin as she looked down at him.

 

    “Seriously, Ninja and Samurai are nothing alike…” Rubi began, but trailed off as if she realized that nobody was paying attention. I was, sort of. I didn’t bother to let her know, though. Nobody cared to learn the distinction like she did.

 

    Garald pushed himself to his feet with very few, strong movements. “So, dudes. Today is super special. You remember why?”

 

    Silence. Barb gave a glance to Rubi and I, who didn’t respond.

 

    “Oh, come on! It’s the one year anniversary of the first time all four of us met up!”

 

    Even more silence. I was so befuddled that I decided to be the one to break it. “Ehh? That’s it? We all knew each other before that. Even then, I don’t remember the day I met you guys…” I trailed off as I gazed over at Rubi. That was a small lie, but not relevant to the topic.

 

    “Yeah, but never all of us at the same time! Look, I got these tickets for cheap and I wanted to use ‘em.” He exhaled and scratched the back of his head as he was forced to give a more genuine reasoning.

 

    That’s what I thought. Who remembers something so arbitrary? The fact that we met each other at all is good enough, in my eyes, but someone like him always has to assign something arbitrary to a feeling in order to keep the feeling from fleeting, I guess.

 

    “So, which ride first?” He addressed us all once again with enthusiasm. Not knowing anything about carnivals, I gave the area near us a quick scan, hoping someone else would speak up in the meantime. 

 

    Rubi did. “Look over there. That shooting game, where you hit the target with pellets. Looks fun!”

 

    A little morbid, don’t you think? Isn’t it weird how normalized it is to have a faux shotgun in the middle of an amusement park with children and parents? Who would want to hold that thing?

 

    “Looks sick, sure.” Barb was closer, so she got to it first and started firing as if she were born for it. So noisy. Rubi looked annoyed, but it faded quickly, at least as far as I could tell. Garald was unable to wait and had already taken up a separate game booth, dunking his head into a bucket of water for some reason that I didn’t care to think of.

 

    Rubi tugged on my sleeve and eagerly pointed at the basketball hoops surrounded by assorted animal plushies. I slowly turned to her and responded to her pointing with slight condescension, “Have you ever even touched a basketball?”

 

    She huffed and released my arm, stomping towards the small booth. “No! Have you? I just want the animals.”

 

    “Yeah, ‘cause you can do anything you set your mind to, right?”

 

    She paused for a moment before pouting childishly and continuing her strive. I decided to stay back and watch. A few people gave her a surprised look, as if they didn’t expect such a small girl to take on the task. The thing that shocked me was when she proceeded to miss all three of her shots. Not often I saw her fail like that.

 

    I walked towards her and put a hand on her shoulder to indicate that I wanted her spot. I slapped some cash on the table and palmed the ball, only to drop it when I tried to lift it up. I expected it to stick more. Rubi’s chuckle caused my brow to tighten with frustration. I decided to use two hands the next time I picked it up. I tried to remember how the players on TV would do it. Garald had shown me a few games before and excitedly commentated, so I knew the basics. I lifted the ball above my head with both hands, flicking my wrists with all my arm strength. Shit, I forgot the jumping part.

 

    To my disappointment, the ball landed only a few feet in front of me behind the counter. My other two shots did no better, despite my jumps. I fell to my knees and lowered my head, somewhat exaggerating, but my legs really were tired. Rubi crossed her arms triumphantly, as if my failure was a victory for her. 

 

   “Whatever…” I pulled myself up and dusted my hands off on my shirt. It was like she had totally forgotten the plushies existed. Barb entered my field of vision with an oversized piece of cotton candy attached to a stick featuring massive bite marks taken out of both sides. I wonder if she swallowed her gum again. I told her that was gross and unhealthy.

 

    I thought to myself, how did I end up around these people? They talk to me like I’m on the same wavelength as them. It’s not that I dislike them, the opposite actually. They’re the only thing I get out of bed for. If not for them, I’d have dropped out of school by now. Garald and Barb saw me sometime around the start of my first year of High School. They were second years, and already had a friend group of third years. They decided to sit next to me while I was by myself. Of my own volition, obviously. They were noisy, and by the end they were talking to each other more than they were talking to me. I liked it, though. They weren’t going out of their way to act differently just because I was quiet. I still appreciate that, I guess. I already knew Rubi in Middle School, but that story is too long for the moment.

 

    Barb signaled to Rubi and me from afar that they were getting on the ferris wheel. Garald was already there, waiting for us with an impatient look on his face. I’d never been on one before, and I wasn’t a fan of heights at all. Rubi seemed more excited than I had seen her in a while, and turning my head away stubbornly, I knew I couldn’t deny her this.

    The higher that little booth got, the more I could feel my lunch trying to find its way out. Rubi’s eyes sparkled as she watched the little people below us. Did she feel like a Goddess up here? Looking down on regular people? Somewhat fitting for her.

 

    “This is just as cool as I thought!” Garald’s face pushed into the glass, surely to the joy of whomever was going to have to wipe it later. Barb grabbed his hair and pulled him back, looking like she was about to yell, but in actuality she just wanted to see what his big head was blocking. Garald gave me a look that seemed to jokingly ask for help, but I closed my eyes and laughed quietly, opening one to see his reaction, which was comically exaggerated sadness. 

 

    I wished I could share their enthusiasm about it. Even putting my sickness aside, this was not an interesting ride. I was still having a good time, though. It would be hard to tell from my face, especially taking the scarf over my mouth into account, but seeing the three of them enjoying themselves so much, and not in spite of me being there was something I’d give up the world to see. What we were doing didn’t matter so long as they reacted in such a way. That was my entertainment for the trip.

 

    After stepping off, Garald and Barb split off before I could say anything. Rubi held a hand to her mouth and giggled at their excitement, starting to walk off, to which I took some big steps forward until I had caught up and began matching her pace. That sure didn’t help my headache.

 

    “Aren’t you going to go find something to do?” She looked up at me with an inquisitive glint to her eyes, glasses shining as the sun started to lower in front of us with the waning day.

 

    “Oh, I was hoping the four of us would have stuck together more, but I guess that’s too selfish to ask. I don’t really like this place, but I like you guys.”

 

    “Huh? You could have suggested a place that all of us like. It would be the same.”

 

    “Anywhere I picked would hardly be better. I don’t like any place in particular.” I took my eyes away and put them on the path we were walking, hopefully indicating to her that I was trying to end the conversation. As anticipated, she continued, unsatisfied with that resolution.

 

    “Are you sure? I think you just haven’t found somewhere that you really enjoy yet.” She said with what I interpreted as a bit of self-righteousness. Naturally, somebody like her, somebody who lives her life with conviction and has no regrets, would think that everybody has a “favorite place.” 

 

    It was at this point that I couldn’t avoid thinking of the first time that I met her. A kid being bullied by three older students, a girl telling them that they must become model members of society, and a bored me that had no intention of helping the kid or her. I decided then upon seeing her act so full of herself that I wouldn’t be friends with someone like her. So what happened? She didn’t change. In fact, some time after we started hanging out, it was like she started throwing herself into trouble more often. I even had to carry her home once after she ran into a dark alley to stop a mugging. She didn’t even consider that she would be forcing me to join her flaunting of justice by doing such a thing. Why was it that I saved her then while I just watched that kid get bullied about a year prior? All those kids getting bullied, actually. Her mere existence made me feel like I was a bad person for not being the hero those kids needed.

 

    “I don’t think I’m ever going to find that place. I don’t think it exists. That place is just wherever you, Garald and Barb are. Is that not good enough for you?”

 

    I almost felt bad for the way that she looked at me after I said that. She wasn’t upset with me, it was some other kind of self-conscious sadness and confusion. Like she suddenly felt sorry for me. I clicked my tongue and started walking faster. I didn’t want her pity. That was the opposite of what I wanted. Pity is a feeling that special people give to the unfortunate.

 

    “W..well… Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Rubi stopped walking and stared at me, seemingly assuming that I would stop walking just to hear her talk about how bad she felt. 

 

    I lowered my head in exhaustion before turning to face her with my hands in my pockets. “What’s up? I’m not trying to make you feel bad. This is just natural for me. I’m not interested in that kind of stuff. This place is temporary, but even if you guys leave, I’ll still have memories of this trip. Do you think that makes me wrong?”

 

    “No! Not wrong… It’s.. kind of sad? You don’t seem sad about it, but… You don’t enjoy doing anything that isn’t related to us, do you? If you would just…”

 

    “You aren’t going to say that I haven’t tried hard enough, are you? That’s what it sounded like earlier. I haven’t found it yet? Only somebody who has had their personal utopia for as long as they remember could think that. Do you know why you’ve never had to think about that? It’s because you’re special. You believe in something so strongly that you can live your whole life fighting for that, can’t you? I can’t!”

 

    The two of us stared at each other for a few long seconds. I panted, unsure as to why I had gotten so heated. Rubi turned around and lifted up her glasses. I noticed a tear as her face left my field of vision and suddenly felt like an even worse person. There she goes, trying to keep me from worrying by hiding her emotions. Maybe the fact that her and I were similar in certain ways was what made me stick with her this whole time.

 

    Staring at the back of her head as I began to regret my words, thinking of what to say, I noticed her holding her head in her hands. I reached a hand out but paused and slowly retracted it. Did I really deserve to offer a hand to her when I’m probably the reason her head hurt? She grunted and fell down onto one knee, causing me to finally open my mouth. “Hey, Rubi, what’s wrong? Did I… I’m sorry, I was…”

 

    Now I was the one feeling bad for myself, no matter how at fault I may be. This seemed like more than a regular headache, though. Not that I would have doubted that I could make someone hurt so much, but what happened next seemed to deny that assumption.

 

    “Yu, this… Something is…” As her pain seemed to take her voice away, I moved a hand to touch her shoulder, only to feel nothing as said hand passed through her body as if she were a hologram. Immediately after, her body began to turn into small particles and vanish into the air like dust being blown away in the wind. I stood in disbelief, mouth agape. I couldn’t even muster tears with the different conflicting emotions flying through my head.

 

    “Rubi..? Hey… That’s not funny. Are you really going to make me feel like that much of an asshole?! RUBI!!!”

 

    I stared at the empty space which once had her in it for what felt like ages until a firm grip around my arm pulled me out of it. It was Garald, looking concerned for me. “Hey, what’s the yelling? Are you good, man? You look awful! Did that stomachache get to you?”

 

    “Rubi is… Shit!! Oh, God… She vanished right in front of me… Like dust… I couldn’t do anything…”

 

    Garald showed me a genuine look of worry that I didn’t see from him often. I realized then how pitiful I must have looked to worry such a carefree guy so much. He held my shoulders and steadied his gaze so he could look at me, trying to give me confidence by covering his own concerns. 

 

    “Look, dude. You’re flipping out. What do you mean she vanished? Is your head okay? People don’t just.. do that. But you wouldn’t be this freaked out if you didn’t believe it… I know you’re not a liar, man. It must be…”

 

   Barb’s shout cut him off. “Guys! Check this out. Shit’s crazy…” She grew quieter as she approached us and presented us with her phone screen. She tapped it and a video started playing of some reporters in another country standing beneath a giant black object in the sky. It definitely didn’t resemble any human creations. Especially being so high in the air with no visible support. I was too afraid of the implications to hear what they were saying.

 

    “Man, what?!” Garald burst out his worries. “Is that a frickin’ alien ship? No shot!”

 

    A white noise began to overtake the bustling of the carnival. I shot up to my feet and scrambled away from them, oblivious to their calls for me. I tripped on my way to the entrance and fell on my face, scarf unraveling from my neck and leaving my mouth in the dirt. Before I could get up, the hand in front of me began to vaporize into the air, just like Rubi had. My breathing sped up, but I had already exhausted myself to my limit, closing my eyes and digging my fingers into the ground in anger as I allowed whatever may happen next to happen.