Leo

“Hey.” I looked over at Rina who was waving at me from the otherside of the counter as I swept the floor of the empty cafe.

 

“Hey.” I replied listlessly, trying to just focus on the basic action.

 

Left.

 

Right.

 

Under the chair.

 

“Leo…” 

 

Around the table.

 

Don’t forget the baseboards by the window.

 

“Leo.” I jumped back in surprise as Rina rested her hand on my shoulder, nearly slipping on the smooth floor, only just barely catching himself before letting go and falling to the ground. Tears without a direction were welling in the corner of my eyes but I didn’t even have the will to stop them or wipe them away.

 

After a moment of worried hesitation Rina finally just sighed and sat down on the ground next to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulder and let me cry.

 

The tears grew into sobs within moments as I couldn’t stop the angry sorrow from overwhelming me. 

 

“Why did any of this have to happen?!” I half sob half yell out from within Rina’s hold.

 

“Because you love them, and love is rarely fair.” Rina whispered to me softly running her hand through my hair.

 

I didn’t deny my love. We hadn’t even properly gone on a date or had a real conversation with one another. Maybe it was all that sorrow and pain wrapped up together, maybe it was the way they stayed in my mind weeks after going to sleep, if this isn’t love what else am I to describe it as?

 

“How long am I supposed to wait before this goes away, Rina? I don’t know how I can keep doing this…” 

 

Rina moved my face so I was looking into her eyes and spoke as softly, yet clearly, as she could. “You keep going until you can’t any longer, and then you rely on your friends to be there to help you pick up the slack. You're not alone by any means Leo. You don’t have to try and carry it all alone.”

 

I slowly nodded.

 

I didn’t want to imagine a future where I couldn’t ‘pick up the slack.’ 

 

I thought of Em laying in their medical bed, hooked up to machines I couldn’t name with a tube shoved down their throat. Their arms wrapped in bandages, the only remainder of their actions. 

 

I started to say something more but stopped and shook my head, standing back up mentally shoving my pain, anger, and depression away into bottles buried in the beach within my mind. 

Or I tried to anyway

 

The beach was cluttered, the bottles were cracked, and the water was polluted. 

 

Nonetheless I did what I could to keep it hidden. 

 

I stood up at least.

 

“Let’s… Let's just get this done. I really just want to go home.”

 

Rina frowned but didn’t say anything else about it. I saw the judging and worry within her eyes but when I tried to comfort her I didn’t have the words.

 

We worked the rest of the time in silence.

 

Rina had music playing.

 

I think it was something sad.

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

“Dork!” I looked up in surprise to see August in front of me shaking her head.

 

“What?” I listlessly replied back to her shout.

 

“I was asking if you're coming with me?”

 

“Where?” I questioned knowing it would annoy her but not bothering to care. I wasn’t even listening to begin with. I’m such an awful brother.

 

“To the hospital. To visit Em.”

 

I felt my breath choke up for a moment before my tiredness seemed to multiply on the spot, like balls on a chain multiplying and binding me in place. “Why should we? They’re just… some person. A couple of days together shouldn’t obligate us to-” My words were cut tight when August reached down and grabbed my ear, pinching it and forcing me to yelp in pain and stand up.

 

“Oh! Look at that you're jumping up to get going.”

 

“Dammit August I don’t-”

 

“Care? Me neither.” 

 

August didn’t even give me a chance to get redressed or cleaned up. Thinking about it I probably looked pretty terrible. After my breakdown, the next day Rina told me to take some time off work. I guess she got tired of me too. I wasn’t going anywhere so I hadn’t properly showered or even did the bare minimum to clean up. 

 

Gods.

 

My shirt had stains on it from the ice cream I was eating… yesterday? The day before? Was it longer than that?

 

I guess a shower would be best. I grabbed August's hand and held it in my own. “Just… give me a chance to get cleaned… please.”

 

She nodded and let go.

 

I lumbered over to my room, thinking it was bizarre that I wasn’t sure when the last time I actually came in here was. Lately, without even work to go to, I’ve just been spending my days and nights in front of the TV. I started to dig through my dresser drawers aimlessly. Acting to fill my role, like a machine with no will. At some point I ended up just sitting on the bed, staring into the distance. 

 

My eyelids were so heavy.

 

Why was I trying so hard?

 

 I fell back in the bed and went to sleep.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey Em.” I spoke to them softly from across the hospital bed. Their arms were wrapped in bandages and they had a tube shoved down their throat to help with breathing. The doctors insisted their condition actually wasn’t as bad as it looked. Something about the quick reaction to the infection and their brain still sending out the proper signals. I tried to listen but… 

 

“I wish you’d wake up. There is still so much I want to show you and tell you. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to visit. I was…” I rubbed at my eyes as my voice choked and I coughed to forced the words out. “I was just so scared Em! How am I supposed to feel about this whirlwind person who comes into my life, makes everything confusing, and then just as fast tries to spin away! I can’t even speak how you make me feel Em! This strange mix of frustration and attraction, of irritation and lo- and so much else.”

 

No matter how much I begged they just laid there. 

Unmoving.

Uncaring.

 

August and I didn’t speak at all on the drive home that day.

I didn’t have much to say anyways.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey again Em. I’m sorry I left in a huff the other day. Lately I don’t know what’s been going on with my emotions. Sometimes I’m really sensitive, blowing up at anything, other times I’m cold and don’t have the energy to move. Maybe this is just what people talk about when they refer to ‘missing their better half’. I read a quote the other day, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it but for some reason it stuck with me. It was by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in his speech called ‘Remaining awake through a great revolution’ he said,

‘We shall overcome because the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.’ 

 

He said that in 1968! Can you imagine that? He said beatings and lynchings, racism and suffering all around him, yet he still belived in a moral universe. I wonder what he had that I don’t.

 

I want to believe in his moral universe for both of us Em. I’m just not sure how. I wish you would wake up and help me. I don’t know how long I can keep trying.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

I spoke to my Dad today, Em.

 

Well… I spoke. He listened.

 

I don’t think I ever told you about my parents. About my family.

 

They aren’t awful.

 

Some people like us are beaten and abandoned. Hated on by everyone around them. 

 

My family just… drifted away. 

 

I remember the last time we spoke, I had just told them that I would be staying with August. My parents knew her, she was my big sister's best friend before… well before she went to sleep too. My parents didn’t get angry or yell at me or say anything at all. We just ate dinner. It was homemade chicken and dumplings. It was my birthday and I didn’t have anything because I was trying to be vegetarian.

 

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 

They never spoke a word to me. 

 

I think to them, when my Sis died, they lost both daughters.

 

Well, anyway I spoke to Dad.

 

Mom apparently died last year. Cancer.

 

She always smoked too much.

 

Dad didn’t say anything.

 

I told him about you and he didn’t say anything.

 

I miss you Em.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Mr. Leo you don’t have to keep bringing us coffee.”

 

I smiled harmlessly at the nurse accepting the stack of coffees I had picked up from work. “And I told you Ms. Pierce that you didn’t have to keep calling me mister, I guess we’ll both just have to accept what we can’t control. We’ve done this dance for five months now. I think we can stop now.” 

 

She laughed at my stupid joke but that was all, there was something to all the nurses and doctors working in this coma wing that they all seemed much better at keeping a safe professional distance from patient families than in other areas.

 

I think it's because they know that the day will come when people just stop showing up. 

 

I’m truly worthless Em. 

 

When I think of ‘those people’ I picture myself. It hasn’t even been a year and I’m already planning on failing you? 

 

I only collect these coffees and talk to these nurses so I can build up courage to see you again.

 

Ahh… You’re really stunning today.

 

Someone dropped off flowers for you, the nurse, Ms. Pierce, said they were ‘Pink carnations and white hyacinth’ like I’m supposed to know what they mean beyond that. Maybe she just thought I was being wasteful for bringing you coffee every day instead of something like flowers or a card. 

 

The flowers were cute. 

 

Blue’s really your color Em.

 

Please wake up… I don’t know if I can do this much longer.