Em

 

I opened my eyes slowly, for a second I panicked realizing I was still in the hospital but as I felt his arms around me and smelled the very mild cologne in the air I felt my mind relax. It's been so long since I woke up in someone's arms like this and genuinely felt comforted instead of hung-over and regretful. 

 

“What am I even supposed to do when I wake up first? Do I wake him up? Should I just stay like this until I fall back asleep and then make him decide?” I bemoaned a lack of experience as we laid there, his breathing on my neck tickling me just slightly.

 

“This is ridiculous.” I whispered under my breath as I tried to shut my eyes but found it impossible as suddenly everything he did demanded my attention. 

 

“Uhg” I finally grumbled out loud as I squirmed from his breathing, that seemed to be getting more purposeful. 

 

“Never would have thought you were ticklish.” I heard him whispering  in my ear with a bemused slightly groggy voice that made my heart rush and my cheeks blush in embarrassment. Perhaps expecting my reaction he quickly pulled back as I swung over to playfully slap him, before remembering we were still on the small hospital bed.

 

I nearly fell off the side, losing my balance before he reached over and grabbed my waist pulling me over towards him and away from the edge of the bed. I was wincing but I couldn’t tell if it was from the heavy pounding of my heart or the aching of my muscles.

 

He’d pull me close to him and before we knew it we were staring into each other, our breathing heavy. “His eyes are so bright and green, like emeralds, how had I never noticed that before?” I asked the universe as I found myself leaning in closer, our lips just inches from touching.

 

Someone knocked clearly on the door as Leo and I froze and quickly pulled back from each other, he stood up in a rush nearly falling over as his foot got caught on his back sitting on the ground. “Y’all are adorable but please be mindful of where you are.” An older woman, dark skinned with thin rimmed glasses walked in smiling. I wanted to be annoyed at how her tone treated us like teenagers despite being adults. But my heavy breathing and Leo’s embarrassed blushing from the ground he’d slid to in embarrassment did little to defend us.

 

The woman’s long medical coat was embroidered with a name-tag describing her as Dr. Viviek, Head of Psychology.

 

My pounding heart and hazy mind depressingly cleared as I realized quickly why the doctor had come down here and interrupted us. “Hi.” I mumbled before half-heartedly adding, “and sorry I guess.”

The doctor sighed, perhaps expecting this kind of reaction, rather than looking at me she looked at Leo sitting on the ground, “Hey son, the tap water here is gross do you mind going and grabbing some bottled water for us from the nurses station.” Her intention of kicking Leo out was painfully obvious to all of us but I really was thirsty, the dryness and uncomfortable pain was easy to ignore when I had him distracting me but now that reality had ruined our mood I was being reminded of how, for all intents and purposes, I was bed-ridden. I looked at leo with a slight apologetic smile, adding “Please?”

 

He looked back and forth between us before grabbing my hand lightly and squeezing it. “Sure, I should give August a call anyways. She’ll be ecstatic to hear you're awake.” 

 

I was pleasantly surprised to hear she was worried about me but I supposed that maybe it was to be expected. “I guess there were always more people around than I remembered.” 

 

Dr. Viviek thanked him as he left before shutting it behind him and sliding over to me in the doctor's stool.

 

“Did you know he’s been coming here almost every day for the last six months?” I looked at the iced pentagram he’d set next to my bedside now melted and messy, that I hadn't even had a chance to touch, having been far too distracted.

 

After a moment I quietly muttered out, “I didn’t even know it’s been six months. The nurse checked my vitals when I woke up and brought me these clothes but he didn’t really explain anything to me. He said I was gonna be transferred to a different room, maybe that’s why. He wanted to make me someone else's problem.” I shook my head as I stared loathingly at the clothes, it was just a simple sundress and I was grateful they got it for me but… It was just so uncomfortable and cold. 

 

It seemed like they kept the room at a mortuary chill that made it hard to get the energy to do much of anything. Leo said it was already late fall so it was cold outside anyways making it even chillier here. It just wasn’t ‘light sundress’ weather. “There weren’t even pockets” I mumbled out depressingly before hiding a shiver as I curled my body up, forcing myself through groaning of my muscles. 

 

Dr. Viviek looked at the clothes with a raised eyebrow before shaking their heads. “I’ll make sure you get something better to wear.” I waved my hand and told her Leo was already going to get me my own clothes, she pursed her lips unhappy about something I couldn’t quite figure out before finally insisting. “I’ll have a discussion with the nurse at least then. I don’t know them too well in this department but from what you’ve told me… someone needs to talk to him..”

 

I started to say it wasn’t that big of a deal but shook my head and looked away at the corner. “Do what you want.” was all I could manage.

 

The doctor nodded before shivering on their own behalf, after a critical chuckle they put on a medically distant smile and took a deep breath. “I really just wanted to introduce myself to you and go on a little walk to get some fresh air and then to show you where your new room is gonna be.”

 

“If that was all then why did you have to kick Leo out?” I asked, annoyed.

 

She pursed her lips, I was quickly getting the impression she does that a lot, before sighing and explaining slowly “Em, I’ve read your file. You killed yourself. Your heart stopped as a result of blood loss and your body began shutting down. We were able to revive you but you slipped into a coma and suffered major infections in the wound.” She reached over offering me her hand.

 

Hesitantly, stunned by the realization that I hadn’t just tried but had actually succeeded in dieing, I followed her lead and lightly held her hand. She turned my arm so the wrist was facing upward and pointed at the scar there. Perhaps I’d been ignoring it or just deluding myself of its existence but now that she’d pointed it out I couldn’t help but feel nauseous at its severity. 

 

In a lot of ways it looked more like a burn than a gash. 

 

It was bumby and textured from where the disk had gotten caught on the skin. 

 

The more I looked at it the more I felt sick, violently ill with shame. I lurched over, making my muscles burn and ache so hard I fought to not scream as I started to reach for the can but the Doctor was faster than me already holding it and offering it to me. Without thinking I grabbed it and lost my stomach contents, not that there was much there anyways. 

 

Dr. Viviek looked away politely until I settled. At some point I felt her hand on my hair petting it gently as I felt tears pour down my cheeks, both from the pain and the shame. She was whispering to me, telling me that it’s ok, that I don’t have to worry but all I felt was the deep sense of rejection of everything around me, of the scars that reflect my lowest point. 

 

We sat like that for a while until she stood up and carried a box of kleenex over to me and pulled a bottle of water out of the cabinets in the corner. I gave an annoyed scoff at the water but begrudgingly accepted it anyways. She’d already taken the garbage bin from me and set it in the corner opposite from where I was looking. It was a small gesture of out-of-sight out-of-mind.

 

“I don’t get it.” I finally admitted, laying my head back and pulling the heavy blanket she revealed from yet another cabinet drawer, over my body.  “Why are you even here? You're the head of the department aren't you? Why do you care about me.” I asked the questions without expecting an answer before I felt my true thoughts slip out anyways. “I’m just a loser ex-gamer who tr- who did kill themselves.”

 

Dr. Viviek gave me a small frown before looking up at the ceiling bemused. “Maybe I'm just taking on a charity case? That’d be nice wouldn’t it? If things were that simple…” She stared at the ground with something like frustration and anger in her glare.

 

I stared at her blankly, my body too exhausted and void of substance to really garner as much head as I wanted. “It’s for my so-” She shook her head, correcting herself. “I mean, my daughter… August.”

 

I wondered idly how many ethical challenges this brought about before considering who was the psychologist for whom here, as she kept talking. “When I was a lot younger… and a lot stupider. They came out to me as trans and I-” she shook her head in disgust. “I rejected them, not just a little either. I kicked them out and told them I never wanted to see them again. I called them awful things. Things a mother should never even think of let alone speak aloud.”

 

I felt my stare get much angrier and more furious, August and Leo were the only people who’d I cared about anymore and this woman hurt August more than I could imagine. 

 

The more she spoke the more my thoughts drifted to my own family… they hadn’t rejected me when I told them I was non-binary and pan-sexual. They hadn’t responded in much of any way at all. We only saw each other at holidays anyways and after I came out to them the phone-call or two a year quickly became an email every couple of years or Christmas cards with pre-printed platitudes. It wasn’t that they rejected me, it was more that we’d never been much of a family to begin with. All I had given them was the justification for those last few bonds to dissolve away. 

 

The doctor stopped talking as I was lost in my thoughts, my glare probably communicating more than my words could. “How I acted back then was unacceptable and it took me far too long to realize it. As a professional and as a mother. The reason I’m telling you all this at all is I want you to understand. At the end of the day, when all is said and done. We're just all frustratingly and painfully human. I know that my bond with my daughter will never be fixed… I hurt them too much for that but if helping you and making you a bit more comfortable while you're here can help August then… I guess you’ll have to excuse my selfishness.”

 

I looked at her, my expression making it explicitly obvious how dumbstruck I was by her honesty. “Is it better to have a psychologist be honest about their goals? Shouldn’t I just tell this lady to fuck off, for August’s sake if not on my own. Or is it better to stay out of it and just treat her as if she were any other Doctor.”

 

I shook my head in frustration. “I just want to be happy again…” I whispered my honest desires into the room. “When I-” My voice choked as my eyes fell to the bumby ugly scars on my wrist. “When that happened, I felt so alone, so desperate to give it all up… I don’t want to feel like that ever again.” I whispered my desires so softly I doubted they were audible at all before I finally forced out my honest desires. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. Everything hurts all the damn time. My head hurts when I think of her. My chest hurts when I imagine the times I smiled alongside him. I betrayed her memory! How could I possibly have ever been around him without knowing!” I started shouting at some point despite the pain in my throat, making it feel like I was gargling sandpaper. 

 

“When I’m with Leo... I forget it all, the pain just fades to the background and I feel like I could stuff it all away and forget about it but then he leaves and-” I shook my head in frustration. “It just erupts again.”

 

Dr. Viviek held my hand tightly listening to me rant, her expression gentle and quiet.

 

“If you let me, I can help you with that.” She finally spoke after I’d been silent for a few minutes, drinking out of the water bottle she’d offered me earlier. It was room temperature and tasted bland but it lightened the burning in my throat a bit and also reignited the roaring in my empty stomach. 

 

I stared at her for a few minutes before trusting August and Leo both. If they were worried about her they would have told me and… When I thought of Leo’s tears as he begged me not to abandon him again, I found it impossible to say no. I’m on a precipice. I could feel it in my bones. In dreams I couldn’t picture any longer. If I said no here. If I tried to just handle it all alone once more… Was there really any doubt I wouldn’t end up in a grave this time around?

 

I started to hesitate as I saw her offered hand before committing, trust in this doctor to take care of me and trust in my friends to tell me if Viviek was a dangerous woman. I grabbed her hand and asked my voice, shaking but clear, “Please help me.”

 

Dr. Vivek smiled wide for the first time since I met her. “I’d be happy to.”

 

I expected us to just dive into some topic or another but instead she asked if I was hungry. “You’ve been asleep for six months and just lost what was in your stomach, why don’t the three of us go and get some food?”

 

Before I even had a chance to reply my stomach rumbled loudly making me try and hide my face, whispering. “Yes please…”

 

She laughed at me a little before rapidly tapping out a message on a pager, a few seconds later the landline phone rang out. I heard the doctor mumble a bunch into the phone and just a short wait and an idle conversation about what I was looking forward to doing when I finally got out and the door opened up.

 

A young nurse, a girl who looked like she was barely just out of high-school brought us a wheelchair. I was sad to see that Leo had dozed off waiting for us to finish talking. I wanted to chastise him but I remembered how Dr. Viviek had said he was coming here every day for the last six months. “Please take care of yourself Leo.” I pleaded to his sleeping form. 

 

Dr. Viviek followed my gaze and smiled at him, “He must really love you, coming to and from work every day just waiting for you to wake up.” She kept her voice low as the three of us looked at him, the young nurse seemed confused looking like she wanted to wake him up but didn’t want to do anything without the doctor saying so first.

 

I sputtered out a quick denial at the word love, trying to explain that we were barely even dating. When I thought of him coming here every day just for me though, my claim felt weak, especially when my own feelings started to enter the picture. I ended up just sputtering to a stop and looking away hoping my embarrassment wasn’t too apparent. 

 

“Well why don’t we wake him up, you both should get some food in your stomachs. I can’t imagine he’s got many chances to eat some proper food lately.” The doctor waved for the nurse to get him up.

 

The nurse reached down to wake him up but I waved at her to come towards us. “Do you mind just waiting until we're ready to move on… I don’t really want him to see me in pain.” I tried to hide my worry but it was apparent anyways. Just sitting up hurts, standing and moving over to the chair would be dozens of hundreds times worse. I didn’t want him to see me like that.

 

The nurse smiled and promised it was no problem offering me her arm to steady myself. The pocket-less sundress was annoying but at this moment I begrudgingly acknowledged its usefulness, the range of movement made my reckless stumbling a bit easier. Stretching my legs at all felt as though the muscles were going to tear making me scream aloud but with my two helpers there I was able to kind of aim my body so when the pain became too much I fell to the chair. 

 

They pushed me over to where Leo was sitting, I was honestly kinda impressed with how he was still asleep despite the floor doubtlessly being uncomfortable. “Did he ever actually fall asleep when we were laying together?” I worryingly wondered as I forced my body to lean over and gently rub against his head.

 

“Leo…” I mumbled quietly as he grumbled and just slightly tilted his head into my hand. I smiled as I sat there but apparently Dr. Viviek sensed a certain kind of atmosphere beginning to form as she walked over and not so gently kicked Leo’s leg. “Wake up boy. We're getting coffee and food and you're taking up space in the hallway. If this were any other wing you’d already have been kicked out and sent home!” She chastised him, talking with a low voice at first but ending up shouting as he groggily came awake and realized the scenario around him.

 

Leo pulled himself up unsteadily, the nurse helped him stand blushing just slightly at his awkward laughter and apology but she quickly separated from him when we locked eyes. Leo to his credit didn’t seem to notice the bloodshed that nearly occurred.  I did my best to communicate a tone of ‘I know he’s cute, that’s why he’s mine.’ in my eyes and smile alone but I think it just came across as aggressive and territorial. 

 

“Wait.” I froze mid thought as we moved towards the elevator. Leo was pushing my wheel-chair having taken the role from the nurse without a second's hesitation or discussion. “When did I become the jealous type? Was I ever like that with Esme?” I tried to think back but I couldn’t recall it ever being a thing I had to care about, our lives were intertwined so fully being jealous would have been a waste of energy. There was no one we would ever interact with that we weren’t already familiar with. “Maybe Esme was the one feeling like this though…” I thought about that as I listened to Leo making idle conversation with Dr. Viviek and the nurse. 

 

Apparently the nurse was Viviek’s personal assistant and not a proper RN which is why she was shadowing the Doctor, a lead up to her final paper on the stress women in power take on that men in similar positions don’t have to. Dr. Viviek for her part seemed uninterested in the paper, remarking only that such a paper with an obvious bias will never be accepted by an reputable journal. Her assistant rebuked that their rejection would only strengthen the merit of the paper. It seemed like the kind of argument they had often. I thought that the doctor had a solid point but her action betrayed her honest feelings. There is no way someone with as much responsibility and personal struggle as her would take on such a burdensome assistant if she didn’t honestly believe in them and the work they were doing.

 

“If you phrase the thesis as ‘The unique challenges women face in the therapeutic medical field.’ and restructure the argumentative tones of the paper away from a comparative structure you might have better luck.” I blurted out my thoughts making everyone stare at me forcing me to look away awkwardly, but not before I caught Leo wearing a wry grin as if he had an amusing thought.

 

The nurse, Natalie or Nat for short, looked at me strangely before sighing. “I don’t want to give those old bastards the joy of relenting to their pressure. They’ve been telling me to change the subject for months…” I felt like there was something in her voice that resonated with me, a desire for rebellion against a cursed life. 

 

“You're not relenting. Sometimes the best way forward isn’t to push against an immovable object but to step out of its way and slide past. Parry their protests, don’t just meaninglessly block. They already have all the power, if you just sit there trying to force your way through they will always win.” 

 

She nodded slowly, not agreeing with me but not telling me I was wrong either. “I’ll think about it. Thanks.” 

 

I smiled at her, this one honest, “Anytime.” 

 

She returned my smile. “I’ll take you up on that then.”

 

I felt Leo’s hand on my shoulder tighten just a little, I reached over and grabbed his hand in mine without thinking about it in return.

 

Dr. Viviek just looked at us all as though she’d been forced to age twenty years listening to our conversation. I was sure I saw her swearing about ‘these damn kids’ under her breath.

 

The elevator dinged and we rolled on over to the hospital dining room. It was late at night but still busy, doctors and nurses alike eating whatever they could before returning to their rounds. Baggy eyes and exhausted stares abound as the graveyard shift workers gave unwelcome if a bit understandable glares to our party of three intruding upon their sacred territory. 

 

“Don’t mind them.” Dr. Viviek told Leo and I to relax as she guided us over, first to coffee, and then to a little salad bar set up to the side stocked full of greens and vegetables. “Guest visiting ended several hours ago, so they're all waiting to see if anyone else is going to come over and say something about it. As long as you're with me though it shouldn’t be an issue.”

 

The three of us exchanged uncomfortable glances before saying nothing and digging into our salads, wishing we were brave enough to attempt some of the better looking food in the cafeteria, but none willing to try.