Em

 

“Why did he have to confess to me now?” I cursed my broken body as the pain restrained me from moving closer to him. I couldn’t help feeling that all of this was ludicrous. His confession, his prince liked kneeling. I wanted to hate it for its cliche tones but for some reason I couldn’t. Whenever I tried to criticize it, even as a joke, I thought of that blistering smile and those eyes full of confidence. The words just dissolved on my tongue. 

 

“I guess the cough got better.” Nat’s voice, sardonically sweet, shattered our mood,  but neither of us even tried to separate or move. Nat had made her flirtation painfully obvious to the both of us but we needed to send a unified front. 

 

We didn’t possess a personality for sharing.

 

“Oh relax.” She walked over to us, her hips swaying just slightly despite her heels having been left here. “I’m not about to criticize something that so obviously needed to happen. Besides, I was here ten minutes ago and you didn’t even notice me. Cute confessions by the way, very sappy.” She casually slipped her feet back into the heels without even needing to pause to think about it. 

 

“You could have waited a bit longer.” I muttered aloud shamelessly as I had to stop my hand from roaming away from Leo’s. 

 

Nat gave me a smile that made my heart skip a beat before giggling softly. “I might’ve but Dr. Viviek will be here in a few minutes and we're supposed to be letting your body enjoy the relaxing atmosphere of the garden not overexerting it.” 

 

I looked over at Leo and saw he was looking away obviously doing whatever he could to just stay out of this conversation. 

 

“I’m sitting in place talking to a cute boy, I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘overexerting’”

 

“That depends on the level of your ability.”

 

I glared at her, trying to dissect her words before finally tsking and holding Leo’s hand, smiling asking him, “Should we get moving? I was hoping to explore a bit more of the garden before Dr. Viviek comes to collect us.”

 

He took the cue and happily stood up pushing my wheelchair onwards as Nat walked alongside us.

 

We walked for a while before coming to a wall on the western side of the dome. This one had a large marble stone wall sitting in the middle of a small pond with koi fish swimming inside it. We weren't able to approach any closer but we could see dozens of people kneeling and praying while men in cloaks with black collars stood next to them praying into rosaries. “I wasn’t expecting something like this here…” Leo muttered keeping his voice low but I could hear the barely contained annoyance at stopping somewhere with obvious religious significance. 

 

Nat ignored his comment, kneeling to the side of the wall and praying for a moment before standing and walking over to us. As she stood back up one of the collared men saw her and waved walking over to her, and by association us.

 

“Ms. Vorheese it’s fantastic to see you, are these your friends?” The man was a little shorter than average at maybe five’ eight’’ or five’ nine’’. He had a pudgy belly that swayed as he rushed over to us but on his face was a wide happy smile that made it impossible to not smile along with him. The belly along with his big bushy white beard gave him a kind of ‘father christmas’ vibe that was impossible to not picture. The resemblance would be unsettling if it weren't for the fact that he was wearing a black suit rather than a red one. He was shouting enough to be heard but not enough to attract extra attention, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was some kind of special talent priests and pastors cultivated.

 

“Father Jackson.” Nat bowed slightly to the older man after regrouping with us. “These are my friends Em and Leo. Em’s a patient here. I was showing them around the gardens. I expected to be less busy over here.” Em frowned slightly at the small gathering, I noticed as I looked closer that there was a dark somber attitude among them as they stood grouped together. 

 

The priest frowned at the group sadly before forcing himself to smile as he turned back to us. “Unfortunately there was a miscalculation during the surgery for a young man. It was supposed to be routine but…”

 

Nat nodded in understanding, I got the impression that she wanted to go and offer condolences to the family but pulled herself back. 

 

I spoke softly to Nat as she looked onward towards the marble block of stones. “I think I understand but… what is this place?”

 

Nat gave a mournful smile as she nodded towards Father Jackson to explain. “This is a memorial to the lives of those we weren't able to save. It doesn’t matter if it was because of complications or simply time, it’s a way to show that we will always prioritize the lives of our patients. It’s good both for the doctors who carry the burden of their lives and for the families who have to keep living and moving forward.” 

 

My mind drifted to Esme as my head started pounding and I tasted her lips on my own in a dream I’d somehow forgotten. Tears started falling down my cheeks as an indescribable pain aches in my chest for the girl who’d forced me to say goodbye. I knew I was being selfish, I knew that it probably wasn’t even her, she died years ago, but just as much... who wouldn’t give anything for just a moment with someone they loved who moved on?

 

I reached for Leo’s hand and gripped it tightly as he stepped closer, he seemed to understand without me saying anything. In fact looking at the pastor and Nat it seemed like they both understood in their own way. 

 

The pastor knelt down to make eye contact with me and gave me a deep soft and sorrowful smile, “Often-times you’ll find that pain resonates. Even when you feel like you're alone and adrift in a ruthless world, those who know your pain, who are going through it alongside you or might have gone through it in the past you’ll find yourself able to stand next to them and together prop each other up. Do you mind if I ask what their name was?”

I looked to the ground sadly before replying. Part of me wanted to refuse, some selfish bit that wanted to monopolize Esme’s memory, as if trying to maintain her life within my own. “Esme. She was my girlfriend. She was murdered…” The pastor frowned softly before standing up, still holding my hand. “If you're comfortable with it I’d like to do something for you, it’ll take some time though do you mind coming back here tomorrow?” I frowned, concerned slightly about what he might do but as  I saw the grieving families I thought about Esme’s family. Her little sister who called me before I died. The funeral they hosted that I never went to. I’d assumed they all hated me but how would things have turned out if I just tried to reach out to them instead of pulling away? Have I really learned anything through all of this…

“I’d like that…” I nodded and looked towards Nat and Leo, “would you guys mind joining me?”

 

They both nodded and rested their hands on my shoulder. “I’ll always support you.” Leo murmured as he tightened his hand to emphasize his words. 

 

I looked at Leo and noticed the heavy circles under his eyes and the unsteady balance in his stance. I started to suggest he go and get some rest when someone beat me to it. “Please don’t collapse here of all places. Go home and rest.” Dr. Viviek rested her hands on Leo’s back helping him stay upright, her voice was critical but her tone gentler than I think most would expect.

 

Leo shook his head and resisted forcing himself awake with a struggling smile. I noticed as he let go of my hand after sharing just a glance with Dr. Viviek the priest had withdrawn and given us space. “I’m fine for a bit longer, work should be almost open by now I can swing by and grab some coffee you don’t have to worry about me…” 

 

I frowned at him for a moment before looking at Dr. Viviek and Nat, “Do you guys mind giving us some space for a minute.” Nat looked like she was going to say something but once again just a glance from Dr. Viviek and she relented following the doctor like a little duckling.

 

“Hey Leo…” I started to talk but he shook his head, beginning to insist again that he was fine. I didn’t give him a chance, taking a deep breath and putting my hand to his lips to quiet him. “Please don’t interrupt me.”

 

I moved my hand and gave him my best, most genuine smile I could summon despite the heavy physical and emotional exhaustion throughout myself. “I really like you. I told you as much earlier but I wanted to say it again because It feels good to say it aloud. You're smart, funny, talented, and far kinder than I deserve.” I took a deep breath before finishing my thought, the air seemed thicker than usual, clogged up with our tense atmosphere, with all my crying and honesty. Lately I expected tears to fall but surprisingly I found myself feeling more strength than ever before. My words were filled with a commanding tone I hadn’t experienced outside the virtual world. “It hasn’t even been that long since we confessed and as I said all my feelings still feel true so why are you already breaking what you promised? We're supposed to be working to make ourselves better so why are you staying when you can barely stand up? What are you punishing yourself for Leo?”

 

Leo looked down at the ground before replying his voice, angry and loud, “Damnit Em I just-” He stopped and turned away from me, I could hear his heavy breathing as he tried to calm down. “Damnit Em… I just… What if I leave and you… you go away again? How can I go anywhere when there is the possibility of you… I haven’t even had a chance to really tell you- I just want to-” He swore again, throwing his hands up in the air and pulling at his hair in frustration. 

 

I rolled myself over to him and wrapped my arms around his body. It hurt. It hurt so much as my muscles screamed from me forcing them out of the relaxed sitting position, and it felt stupid to endure so much pain just for one boy.

 

I did it anyway.

 

Leo stopped fighting and just let his arms hang down, his hands naturally falling over mine. His head was lowered away from me, but I felt him take an unconscious step back so I wouldn’t strain as much. His fingers intertwined with mine but he didn’t turn around and face me. “I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand you Em… I can barely understand myself. Yet you still…”

 

“I don’t need you to fully understand me… I just need you to be there when you can, and let me do the same.” I saw him nod his head slowly in surrender. I hoped he would have found the strength to say what he wanted to but he stayed silent.

 

“Right now that means I need you to go home and get some rest. Please I… I don’t want anyone else to hurt on my behalf.” 

 

I felt Leo’s form fists for a moment before sighing deeply and nodding. He said “OK… I… Yea. Ok.” 

 

My chest hurt at his reaction as he let go of my hands and walked away. I heard him, Nat, and Dr. Viviek quickly murmer back and forth before Nat ran off, her heels clicking quickly against the ground. 

“Natalie will help make sure he gets home safely. You don’t have to worry about him and… well you might not want to hear it from me but, you made the right choice to be honest with what you want from him…” Dr. Viviek spoke softly as she stood behind me and started pushing the chair without talking to me about where we were going. I didn’t mind though, staying there any longer would have just hurt more.

 

“He needed to get rest.” I replied simply, assuring myself more than reminding her.

 

“Yea. That’s definitely true. I’ll be honest with you though, that's not the reason I kicked him out.” Dr. Viviek’s words were careful as we left the garden and entered an elevator moving down the ground floor and through another network of tunnels to much brighter rooms with lots of soft textures and natural light. 

 

“Is this where your office is?” I asked, trying to ignore her attempt to move the conversation in an uncomfortable direction. I was far too tired and hurt to want to talk anymore and without Leo here I didn’t really care to try. I was being hypocritical towards him but I couldn’t help it, I was just too tired.

 

Dr. Viviek went quiet for a moment but I noticed her shadow nod, as if she was weighing how to respond to my avoidance before settling on something. “Yea, I share the hallway with some other doctors but most of these rooms are for group sessions.” We turned into a room with the placard ‘Dr. Reynolds - Medical Psychology, Children’s Psychology’ It was a well lit room with big windows overlooking the city skyline, with Lake Michigan just barely visible in the distance.

 

“Hell of a view.” I muttered as I rolled to the window, Dr. Viviek having let go of the chair as soon as we entered the room, locking the door and walking over to the desk.

 

“Yea, lucky bastard got it from the previous department head. I’ve been fighting him for it for years but he won’t give it up. I come and steal it from him whenever he goes on trips.” I looked over at her surprised at the much more brutal tone than I expected. Quirking an eyebrow in surprise, she looked up and had a slightly aghast expression before laughing aloud. “Hah, sorry about that. I guess I was so relieved to be out of the hallways that I let something slip out I shouldn’t have. Let's just forget about that?”

 

I smiled at her behavior and shrugged before looking back at the city skyline and the sun cresting over it, not quite a sunrise as that had passed a little while ago but I couldn’t help but be pleasantly surprised by the nice scenery. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Viviek was lounging in the chair in a relaxed way as she looked at me. I couldn’t help being a bit annoyed when I noticed the pen and paper in front of her. 

 

“Right. She's my doctor, not my friend. She’s just here to diagnose me.”

 

“I’m tired. A bit grumpy, I had to send away the guy who just confessed to me despite all the shit that’s happened away. Annoyed that you're playing psychiatrist instead of letting me sleep.”

 

She just laughed at my rejection of her. “I like your honesty. You can dislike me if you want, that’s fine. There are a lot of times I dislike me. This is just the first session though, don’t put too much weight on it and we can finish up quickly.”

 

I shrugged at her and looked away. “Just ask your questions.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me about Esme.”

 

“Don’t ask me about her.”

 

“You told me to ask my questions. I’m just trying to understand you a bit more. She seems like a pretty big part of your life.”

 

“...” I glared at the window furiously before sighing and barely audibly muttering. “Please just don’t ask about her.”

 

I saw her reflection in the window scribble at the paper before setting the pen down and flipping the notebook over. “I’m always going to be honest with you Em. Nothing you say will ever leave this space between us OK? I’m not always going to be an easy person to work with and you might be furious and hate me sometimes but I want you to know I honestly just want you to be happy. To be able to be better… In the spirit of that I’ll be honest with you and tell you my worry.”

 

She sighed deeply before looking me in the eyes from our reflections. “I see you committing sucide again within four years. You won’t make a miraculous recovery again.”

 

I spun furiously in my chair to face her. “I’ll never do that again! I promised! I’m not just going to give it all up again!”

 

Dr. Viviek looked me in the eyes coldly, waiting for my anger to simmer a bit before speaking again. “Why did you hurt yourself?”

 

“I was depressed. I was angry. I was just… I was alone. I just… I needed to make it all go away.”

 

“So what’s changed?”

 

I started to talk but my words caught in my throat. The answer wasn’t as ready as I thought it would be but it did exist. “I… I have Leo.”

 

Dr. Viviek nodded clearly expecting the answer, she had a sad smile on her face, it looked almost painful. “Yea, but what would happen if you didn’t? Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Say you guys broke up over something, even if it’s something stupid like a misunderstanding, what would you do?”

 

My chest ached and the scars along my wrists started to burn like they were on fire as I realized what she was implying. “I… I wouldn’t… I’m not that weak…” I protested but there wasn’t any strength in my words.

 

Dr. Viviek stood up from her desks and sat on the ground next to me without any hesitation as she reached out gently to me. “Em… There isn’t any shame in being weak. We're only human. Isn’t that what you were trying to help Leo see? I’m not saying you shouldn’t love the boy who waited at your bedside for six months. Hell I’m honestly rooting for you over here. But I want you to be careful. To find strength outside relying just on him. I want to help you acknowledge your feelings and use your own strength to overcome it so you can move on with your life. For starters, and to state something that I don’t doubt you're aware of, you are dealing with severe depression Em but the way you're coping… It might seem fine right now but it won’t last. You're trying to sublimate the process of living with your depression with your feelings for Leo but that is toxic. For both of you.”

 

I tried to deny her words but couldn’t. I wasn’t stupid. I knew she was being honest and was right. We had only spent an evening together but It wasn’t hard to figure out I had problems. How I reacted to her asking about Esme made things crystal clear. But Leo… I really did like him. I know those feelings in my heart weren’t just a lie caused by the sickness… Still what if I really did hurt him because of this? Could I really still be ok? If I hurt him because I refused to get the help that was put in front of me easier than anyone else in the world could obtain… No… I wouldn’t be able to. I would end up back on the edge and I don't think I could climb out of it again.

 

“Ok…” I wanted to say a lot more but that was all I could force out of the pain in my throat and the cry that wanted to escape. 

 

I grabbed her offered hands and gripped it tightly. She gave me a wide smile, clearly a relieved and honestly happy one this time. "We don’t need to start with her, why don’t you tell me about Tactical_Respawn? Ah…” She stopped and seemed to realize something. “Just the game. We can talk about the rest later.”

 

I nodded gratefully, not wanting to get into the players and began talking, quietly at first and then more and more passionately about the game that defined my life for  years. 

 

The freedom, the community, and the world built around it. It was impossible not to gush about it.

 

‘Ahh. Right. This is what I’ve been wanting.’

 

Something clicked inside of me as I felt a desire once snuffed out reignite inside of me for the world I’d once cast aside.