Em

 

I lounged back in the oversized chair in front of Dr. Viviek’s desk, stretching my legs out as far as I could as the Doctor laughed at some joke I made. I couldn’t help looking around her office. Her office was in a lot of ways a hard contrast to the office of her coworker Dr. Reynolds that we occupied for our first couple of sessions. Dr. Reynolds office was wide with lots of natural light and big front facing windows offering a fantastic view. Inside it was also pretty minimal, having lots of open space for children to play in and a bin of random toys. His desk itself was a simple metal thing, 

 

In contrast, Dr. Viviek’s room was darker with the two windows on the room facing out into the big trees in the park right outside of the hospital grounds. Some natural light comes in but not very much. Instead she keeps the room lit with a low intensity bulb in the ceiling and a dozen lamps facing the walls casting the whole place in shadows. The walls themselves were covered in paintings and tapestries giving the entire space a ‘textured’ kind of feeling. Her desk was an old oak thing with natural wood that weighed a couple of hundred pounds and had to move on wheels or not move at all. Her desk chair was probably the only modern thing in the space just being a standard chair you’d find in any office job. In fact it was so out of place I couldn’t help thinking someone bought it in a hurry after breaking whatever was actually supposed to be there. 

 

And of course the chairs for her patients, one of which I was currently fighting going to sleep in, were big lounge chairs made for giants three times my size. It felt like I could lay there and just be swallowed up with nobody the wiser. 

 

The space was immeasurably comfortable, like being covered in giant marshmallows. 

 

It was honestly ridiculous.

 

I knew that in normal circumstances I probably wouldn’t enjoy it at all, there were so many contrasting colors and patterns that I should hate it but none-the-less I felt comforted. The chaos of contradictions felt like it was held in a particular kind of order by her will and expertise. 

 

If I said that she’d probably laugh it off and say she just doesn’t have a lick of design taste though.

 

“You're getting lost in your thoughts again Em.” She laughed a little at my expense while chiding me. 

 

I smiled and stretched out on the chair, “Your furniture is just too comfortable. I always wanna fall asleep when I’m in here.”

 

Viviek laughed a little again but there was a slightly sad edge to it. “You can’t fall asleep just yet though. You get to go home soon…”

 

My expression grew darker as I thought of my apartment and the faked pictures of Esme and I plastered all over it shaming us to everybody nearby rather than get sucked into it though I shook my head and forced myself to sit up in the chair, broaching a topic I already knew how she’d reply to but I couldn’t help but broach it anyways, wanting to hear it for myself. “I… When I was last there it wasn’t in great shape. Leo suggested I-” I shook my head and shrugged out the last of the words. “He asked me to stay with him… At least for a little while…”

 

Viviek smiled but I could see the exasperation in her eyes. The smile hides the attempt to separate her clinical mind and our blooming friendship. “Em…” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, picking her words carefully. “We’ve talked about this before… about how it can be tempting to throw yourself deeper and deeper into a relationship when your going through turmoil-”

 

I smiled at her and offered rescue, before she strained herself too much. “I told him no.”

 

Frozen in place she raised an exasperated eyebrow at me. “I don’t think anyone outside of my children has ever managed to make an existence within me such a dichotomy of emotions like you can so easily.”

 

I returned her laughter this time enjoying our back and forth, it made me think of videos of people fencing with rapiers. It also made it easier to hide my dissapointment. “I just gotta return jab for jab. Besides I… I honestly wanted to hear that you agreed with me. It wasn’t an easy choice… I do love him but I remembered what you said and realized that if I said yes it would be far too easy to just fall right back to where I was before. I wonder if that’s what happened with Esme and I. I loved her but so often despite living together and having such similar jobs we felt less like a couple and more like after effects in each other's life. Honestly I wanted you to tell me I’m overreacting. That going home would be worse but… I guess I just gotta deal right?” I laughed bitterly.

 

“I wouldn’t say ‘you just gotta deal’ but… Going home doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The worst of it has doubtlessly been cleaned up and disposed of. I don’t want to tell you what to do but-” She was quiet for a second before pointing towards the door where I knew Nat was sitting at a desk reading through case notes and studying for whatever paper or exam she had coming up. “You have friends outside your boyfriend. My advice regarding being careful was always just about making sure you didn’t invest all of yourself into one single person, I have nothing but encouragement for you to try and grow friendships alongside your relationship. Besides… I’m pretty sure my assistant would love to be out of her dad’s house and I bet having a roommate you knew would be pretty nice to.”

 

I couldn’t help but smile as I sighed thinking of how much fun Nat would have teasing me about asking her to room with me. My apartment has space and honestly has always been bigger than I needed. Yea… This wouldn’t be that bad. 

 

“Yea-” I stopped as a quiet knock rang through the room and Dr. Viviek’s expression grew dark and angry for a moment. I saw her opening a drawer on her desk and an LED light glowed out of it. Her expression grew frustrated as I stood there feeling my heart race a little as the bit of stability in my life I hadn’t even realized I was craving became just a little bit wrecked.

 

Dr. Viviek looked up at me presumably seeing the conflict in my eyes before letting out a deep sigh. She pressed a button on her desk that I had previously assumed was fake and spoke out as a crackle was heard momentarily seeming to come from everyone at once. “Ms. Vorhees please wait there with our guests for a moment, while I finish up my current appointment.”

 

She removed her hand from the button and no reply was heard, making me assume it was a one way speaker. 

 

“Em… I’m afraid I have some good news.” I used the techniques she taught me to focus my breathing and fight the anxiety struggling in my heart. 

 

“Hah. Afraid of ‘good news.’ Do I even want to ask what you mean by that?”

 

She let out a slow sigh, “Probably. I just hate that I don’t have time to tell you how I planned.”

 

I  ran my hands through my messy hair that had grown out a lot during my five weeks in the hospital. I let them catch my hair a little and used the slight pull of pain to ground myself. A bad habit. A habit laced full of self-destructive tendencies. But a habit that in this moment I was able to use to pull myself out of my head and into this moment. “Ok. It seems like we are indeed short on time.” I closed my eyes and readied for the moment. “What’s going on?”

 

Dr. Viviek nodded and began to explain what’s been going on while I was focused on getting better, physically and mentally. “Leo and August had asked for Natalie’s help in locating where James Paige scurried off to. Presumably they realized that as the person they knew with the most money she might also have the resources to know where to find a PI and what to do with one once he was hired. For better or worse it seems that was the case.” 

 

I felt my chest go cold with pain at what my friends, the only people I trusted, had done without even asking me. “What happened then?”

 

Viviek took another deep breath before continuing. “After locating where he was, Leo wanted to simply report it to the FBI who have been managing the cases surrounding James. Both from Esme’s murder and from your and Leo’s assault. August however…” Viviek cringed in frustration and anger. I was reminded of a fact I’d chosen to overlook over the last number of weeks about the familial connection between August and Dr. Viviek. “August is angry. I can’t imagine she isn’t always angry but in this case… I think it was too much to just keep ignoring, she cares so much for Leo… She stormed out, forcing Natalie to agree to hold the info for a couple of hours extra. I think they intended to attack and presumably-”

 

I shook my head showing her she could stop now. I can imagine the rest.

 

“Have you heard from either of them since they left?” 

 

Viviek just shook her head. 

 

I gave her a bitter smile as I felt an imaginary wall build up a little bit between us that would never be able to break down to where it had been. “Why didn’t you-” I cursed the world. I didn't even need to ask why she didn’t just report this to the police and let them get there first. What mother would call the police on her own daughter. Leo and August had already long since left, if Natalie was the one managing this there was no way she would have told Viviek before August and Leo. She’s our friend and was more outwardly angry than any of us when she finally learned the details.

 

“Are those the officers at the door then?”

 

Viviek nodded. “This isn’t actually the first time they came by. When you were in a coma they would stop by periodically to talk to Leo and try to get you to check in with them when you woke up. When you finally did I told them to stay away until I gave permission for them to come back. I was worried about what that would do for your progress…”

 

I swore and angrily shook my head. “Dammit Viviek. Did you not think that my boyfriend and his sister being arrested for murder beacuse of some piece of shit wasn’t going to be ‘bad for my progress’?!”

 

She let out a dejected sigh. We both knew this situation was a lot more complicated than either of us wanted it to be. There wasn’t a perfect solution. I should have known Leo and August… Why does this keep happening? “Are they really so ready to abandon me?” 

 

“Em…” She whispered my name sadly. 

 

I huffed and closed my eyes trying to focus my thoughts, and control my emotions. I felt myself in turmoil. On one hand I wanted to cut my emotions off, separate them from my thoughts and disassociate. On the other hand I remembered the weeks of near daily sessions with Viviek all to get myself to a point where I didn’t need to do that anymore. 

 

“You should go and see them…” I murmured out looking past her and at the tapestry covered walls.

 

She pursed her lips and seemed like she wanted to say something else but another round of knockin at the door forced her forwards. 

 

I tried to not look, indulging in a childish sense of stubbornness but concern eventually won out and I walked over there standing alongside Viviek. She looked like she wanted to ask me to wait but didn’t bother.

 

“He’s been detained for now but we need he-” the officer, an older woman with gray highlights in her hair and bags under her eyes making it seem like she hadn’t slept in days, stopped herself mid-sentence before shaking her head and continuing with the correction. “Their testimony. The boy's words might have been good enough previously but now…” she shook her head. She looked directly at me and smiled softly as if trying to apologize for a lot of frustration to come with just that one gesture. “If you don’t testify to Jame’s involvement in the assault on yourself and Mr. Rodríguez then the chances are that James will walk. I’m… I’m sorry.”

 

I took solace in finding something to tease Leo about amongst an otherwise frustrating conversation and waved my hand to tell the officer to stop apologizing. “I always intended to testify and do whatever I could to put James away for good.” 

 

The cops, both the older woman and her quiet partner smiled, seeming relieved at my commitment.“Ah and just so you know… We aren’t really supposed to talk about it but Mr. Rodriguez and Ms. Viviek are fine. We appreciate their help in catching such a dangerous person and we understand some things impossible to prevent in the heat of the moment. They’re answering questions at the local precinct right now but they’ll be free to go before too long.”

 

I let out a deep sigh I hadn’t known I’d been holding and thanked her. “I really appreciate you letting us know that. Thank you. Seriously.” 

 

Viviek looked amongst our group of four and Nat sitting at the desk nervously holding a phone prepared to call… someone I couldn’t imagine who though.

 

“This is still a hospital, let's step into my office. People will think someone is in trouble if you crowd the doorway.” She practically shoved the officers into the office as I stepped out of their way and sat back in the big lounge chair. Despite the comfort it held earlier I couldn’t help but feel as though the atmosphere was ruined by the presence of the officers. I knew they were there to help but still, I couldn’t shake the feeling of tension they  created by being here. 

 

The officers stood there awkwardly for a minute as Viviek talked to Nat at the receptionist desk before coming back in. I recognized the expression on her face as one she wears when her real feelings are slipping through the veil of professionalism. 

 

“Thank you for inviting us in but-” the officer started to excuse herself but Viviek cut her off.

 

“You all have been wanting to interview Em for months. Are you really content leaving after a couple of short exchanges? Ask your questions now. As Em’s doctor I’d much prefer to be able to be here and help if anything… unforeseen were to occur.” Viviek nodded at me and I mirrored her words.

 

“To be honest I’d prefer it as well. The entire time I’ve been here I’ve been trying to deal with everything James did to me and everyone I loved. I’d rather have a friend here when you ask what you need to. I know you’ll have to go over it again in a proper setting as well but for the time being…”

 

The officers looked at each other and seemed to have some kind of intense non-verbal back and forth before finally relenting.

 

“Ok. If you're comfortable with it we can talk about at least some of it. To be totally honest we came here to ask about the assault but now is probably the best chance to ask about something else. Is it alright if I record what we talk about?”

 

I nodded and the woman pulled out an old tape recorder and a pen and paper. 

 

“Seriously, we have full immersion VR but you're doing interviews with that?” I kept my mild confusion to myself and listened to the officer's introduction and question.

 

“Ok, to start things off then I’ll just introduce myself to you both and for the recording.” Viviek and I kept silent as the officer gave the date and introduced herself as Special Agent Jasmin Lemmings and her partner, apparently a local officer not a federal one, as Officer Jeremy Pugilist. 

 

“Hah.” I couldn’t help letting out the half-bitter laugh as the officer’s name finally clued me in on who he was.

 

He cringed at my laugh and I saw the agent glare at him in frustration. 

 

“I see it now.” I felt the gears click into place as I realized he wasn’t saying quiet cause he was shy but because Agent Lemmings told him to keep quiet. They were probably hoping to be in and out fast enough that I wouldn’t notice.

 

Viviek raised an eyebrow at me to explain, the tape recorder was already going so I felt like leaving my feelings on the record. “Ah, Doctor, Officer Pugilist was the man who asked for my ID as I stumbled into my vandalized and humiliated home half-dead from the cold and more than half-drunk from the bar. You could say his presence or perhaps it's better explained as his lack of presence was something of the igniting spark for the events leading up to mine and Jame’s assault.” My words were so hollow and bitter I surprised even myself. It probably wasn’t fair to lay the blame solely on the officers shoulders. I wasn’t about to listen to him regardless and James would have just found some other way to ruin me.

 

But if he’d just stopped me for a moment, or even tried to comfort me…

 

At the very least Leo never would have had to suffer.

 

“I’m…” Pugilist looked at Lemmings for a moment after speaking as if asking for permission to talk. For her part, Lemmings seemed very unhappy about it but didn’t force him to stay quiet. “I’m sorry for what happened. For everything I didn’t do…” He shook his head frustrated and I was surprised to see tears fall from his cheeks. “I’m supposed to… We’re supposed to be there when people need us.” He was pointing to the emblem on his uniform to emphasize his point. “I failed you in that regard and people nearly lost their lives for it. There isn’t an explanation or excuse that can justify my inaction. If I’m honest I came here today not just to apologize but to tell you that I’m resigning, it’s of my own will but at the encouragement of many of my fellow officers. Failures like this spread outward like cracks in glass and if they aren’t stopped the entire system falls apart. I have been on the job for a long time and I think… I think at a certain point it got easier to look away than to look at the consequences of my action and inaction. I hope you won’t let my failure ruin your opinion of my department as a whole.”

 

I felt myself be flabbergasted as he reached over and tore the emblem off his uniform, perhaps for his own sake, more than mine. He was forcing himself to commit to it. After a moment of being stunned I jumped out of the seat and put my hand over his emblem. “Just… Just wait a second damnit.” I swore in frustration as he looked at me conflicted. “I’m pissed at you and I probably won’t ever be able to stomach how you treated me but…” I bit down the frustration boiling into my voice angry more at myself than at him. “But nothing was really your fault to begin with. There wasn’t any reason for you to know who I was or what my circumstances were. In fact there was every reason for you not to know. It wasn’t as though I stopped to chat with you. I was just scared and angry… Don’t…” The heat left my voice as I started to see why his actions were angering me so much. “Don’t throw away the life you built up because of someone else.”

 

“Would you have felt a little bit of this Em? When I stormed off and burnt it all down just because of how they treated you? Was that the right or wrong action?”

 

He was still staring at me with a confused look on his face as I realized I was standing much closer to him than I was comfortable with. I swore and threw my hands up in the air before returning to the chair. “Ahh fuck it. Do whatever you want, but don’t blame me for it. It’s your choice, not mine.”

 

Viviek and Lemmings looked back and forth between us before deciding to just let the situation lie for the time being. Each probably intends to ask their respective person for more details later. “Anyways… I wanted to talk to you about the night Esme Jeanne was murdered.”

 

I took a deep breath as the conversation rolled back over to it’s original topic and nodded. “Ok. I don’t have a ton to say that I didn’t back them but yea. Ok.”

 

“On the night of her murder where were you?”

 

“I was in the players suite connected to the convention grounds. It’s a separated area because some fans try to sneak in, or more often players try to sneak in their hookups for the night.”

 

“Did you talk to Esme at all that night?

 

“Yea.” my throat ached as I remembered her texts as though I’d just read them.“I’d been watching her stream waiting for her to get off, it had gone far past the normal cut off point. I’d been planning to come out as non-binary and pan-sexual but I was scared-” My throat ached and tears started to well up in my eyes. It looked like Viviek was about to interrupt us but I raised my hand and gave her the best smile I could manage. “It's fine Doc. I have to… If I don't-” I shook my head. “She deserves to finally be able to rest.” Viviek nodded at me and I continued holding a box of tissues she passed to me. “I was feeling nervous and wanted to talk to my girlfriend.” I shrugged haphazardly. “She told me that ‘some idiot snuck past security’ she said she had to kick him out.” 

 

Years of ‘What if’s’ and ‘Should haves’ that I’d smothered started to pour into my head once again as the conversation covered my mind. 

 

“I tried calling her right back but it never went through. Just straight to voicemail.”

 

The agents were respectfully quiet as my words became more and more incomprehensible. At some point I felt myself unable to project any volume. 

 

“What happened then?” Officer Pugilist was surprisingly the one to speak up, maybe encouraged by our earlier connection. “What didn’t you tell the officers that night?”

 

“It wasn’t that I was trying to hide it! I just… I didn’t…” I shook my head in protest pulling my legs closer as Viviek stood up  to start to kick them out. 

 

Pugilist pushed forwards regardless, “Em you said you wanted her to finally rest, why isn’t she resting now? It’s been years… What didn’t you tell them?”

 

The tears broke through  as I finally choked out the truth. “I called James after I couldn’t get a hold of Esme. He said he’d been practicing all night but there should have been some kind of record. When I went to check after the tournament nothing was there. I asked him about Esme but he told me not to worry. That he’d go and check on her for me. I was their star and couldn’t afford to be distracted. ” I let out an angry and depressed sob as I fought through it to explain myself. “I wasn’t trying to hide it from anyone! He was just… He was my best friend! My girlfriend had just been murdered and I had nobody… How could I possibly point the finger at him?”

 

Viviek let out a sigh and wrapped me in a hug as I cried. I returned it unable to even process anything else in my mind. I heard the officers say something to Viviek as the recorder clicked back off and their footsteps echoed out of the office. 

 

I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that before sleep overtook me and I smelt Leo’s familiar scent carrying me back to my room.