Em

 

“Em…” I looked over at Leo standing in the doorway of my bedroom with a concerned look on his face. I knew how this looked but maybe he’d find comfort in the fact that I stopped myself partway. Maybe he’ll overlook how weak I feel right now.

 

I’m laying on the ground curled into a ball staring at a box of pictures and letters I’d exchanged with Esme over the years but never gotten rid of. For that matter I don’t think, if I’d been asked, that I could have explained to anyone why I hadn’t gotten rid of them. Right now I can finally understand. 

 

This is it. This is all that’s left of the actual Esme. 

 

This is all that’s left of us.

 

This isn’t the remains of Hide0us_Replica and Raging_Cactus, but of Em and Esme.

 

“At some point I started crying, and I just couldn’t stop.” I quietly explained to Leo who’d come in and sat beside me. “I must look like an idiot. Crying over my dead ex-girlfriend in front of my boyfriend.” I buried my head down as far as I could to look away from him ashamed.

 

Leo stood up quietly and shut the door before sitting back down and wrapping his arms around me. “You don’t look like an idiot or anything close to that. You look like the astounding, loving person that I’ve fallen for.” 

 

I looked at him with surprise evident in my eyes as the seconds passed into minutes. “Ah… You don’t have to say anything… I mean it’s sudden and yea know… I was just…” He stuttered out an attempt to backtrack without backtracking as I moved and kissed him. My body seemed to move without checking in with the rest of me. As I pushed myself further into his arms.

 

“I love you too.” I whispered back as I looked at the box of letters and pictures of Esme and I. “I’m sorry I can’t let her go so easily…” I apologized without looking at him as I found strength in his arms.

 

He reached over and pulled the box towards us pulling out a picture that was on top. It was Esme, myself, and Mrs. Novakova’s grandson laying in his hospital bed. “She was beautiful.” He remarked quietly looking at the picture. “You should have these out in the open, where they can be seen and appreciated.”

 

I looked at him confused. “You don’t… I mean you're not-” I struggled to find the right way to ask what I wanted. “How can you be so comfortable with the ghost in my heart?” 

 

Leo just smiled at me, seeming to get what I was trying to say. “I’m not the kind of person to be jealous of the past, Em. All I wish was that I could have gotten to meet her sometime. I’m not trying to replace her or make you forget her. She’s a part of your life, not someone for me to compete with.”

 

I closed my eyes and leaned into him, trying my best to show my appreciation how I couldn’t speak it aloud. A few minutes passed as we sat in silence when I felt his phone vibrate. He didn’t even look at it as I was reminded that though I’m happy he was here I did ask him and Nat to stay outside to let me handle this alone. “Why did you come in anyways?” 

 

He didn’t say anything at first, making me think I might have spoken too quietly, forcing me to repeat myself a bit louder. I did and he finally said. “August texted me asking for help. She wants to visit her mom but can’t do it alone.” His voice was practically dripping with barely held back guilt as he kept going, “But she can manage, you need me here right now. I’m not going to just leave you here alone to help my sister.” 

 

I stood up and looked him in the eyes, scowling. “Idiot.” 

 

He looked visibly hurt and confused as I shook my head and kept going. “Why do you think I’d ever want you to do that? August moved heaven and earth to help me after I tried to-” I forced the words out with a disgusted grimace. “After I tried to kill myself. She barely knew me but reached out to her mom to get me personalized high-quality care. How could we possibly look the other way when she’s asking for your help. Also…” I rested my forehead against his and smiled softly. “You want to go and help her anyways don’t you? You're not leaving me alone. Natalie is still here waiting on the porch. She seems even more overprotective than you at times.”

 

He stuttered out a worried mutter. “Ar- Are you sure?”

 

I kissed him gently. “Yea. I’m sure Leo. Go help your sister.” He nodded and stood up walking towards the door, as he was about to leave I whispered out a silent plea. “Come back quickly.” 

 

I thought I might have seen him nod before walking out but it was impossible to tell for sure.

 

“Ah. What is this life?” I asked the room, stupefied by my own reactions. The swirling mess of emotions in my heart and head that refused to let me have even a single clear thought.

 

I looked at the box of pictures of Esme and I and smiled as my chest seemed just a little bit lighter than it was earlier. I still missed her, I hated that she was taken from me and I felt guilty towards Leo that I felt I wouldn’t ever be able to give him everything that I wanted. None-the-less there was a part of me that also seemed to be a little optimistic, that maybe I’d be able to find a way to share the room in my heart.

 

“Just one step at a time. That’s all we have to do.” I pulled myself up from the corner I’d been crying in and pushed myself forwards remembering the tools Dr. Viviek had shared with me to recover from a breakdown. “Don’t try and do everything at once, it isn’t going to work and you will only hurt more in the end. Slow down instead. Take things step by step.”

 

“I just want to remember you Em. I’m scared…” I whispered to the box of memories as I heard someone knock at the door, probably Nat let in by Leo.

 

“Just a minute please.” I mutter towards the shut door and wipe at my eyes and try my best to take some deep breaths focusing on calming my appearance more than my actual feelings. 

 

After a moment I go and open the door, to Nat looking at me with a worried gaze before suddenly wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tightly. “Please don’t make me cry again.” I plead out softly as I let her hug me.

 

She laughs a little and lets go of me, stepping back. “Sorry. I guess I was a bit worried. You were making quite a bit of noise in here earlier and when Leo came in it got all quiet before he suddenly ran out and shouted something about his sister and told me to go inside. It's a bit unfair that the boyfriend gets to go in to check on you before the best friend but yea know, whatever.” 

 

I shake my head at her jealous act before pointing out that’s how it normally would go.

 

“Sure but I mean… still unfair. Best friends are obviously the most important.”

 

I laugh at her attitude as I look around the room, and my eyes settle over on the dusty tower sitting in the corner, with a box of cords next to it. 

 

Nat starts to say something before following my gaze and seeing it sitting there.

 

“Looks like it hasn’t been touched in awhile. I thought you gaming types practically worshiped your machines?”

 

I walked over to it and pulled it out before opening the box of cords and pulling out the cleaning tools also held there and started clearing the computer free of any dust. “I haven’t actually used it since Esme passed away. I did all my work for gaming journals on my tablet and whenever I needed to beta-test stuff for a game developer I would just drive out to their offices and do the work there on their machines. I guess I felt if I logged back in on my own device I was… Committing to something. Can’t say I’m always the most logical person in the world.” 

 

Nat laughed a little but noticeably stayed quiet as  I cleaned the computer, carefully pulling out the hard drives individually and unplugging each other's cords so I could rewire them and tidy the space inside the tower up a bit more. As I did I took time to explain the importance of each of the components. How it was better to use a solid state drive for real time loading from games instead of a hard disk drive which is better suited for storing things like documents and movies. How a large amount of ram is important but a good CPU and GPU will make or break the possibility of being able to handle the load most games would impose on the machine. 

 

Before I knew it more than an hour had passed and I found myself talking excitedly about each individual component and Nat was just quietly asking questions prodding me to keep going. 

 

“Why are GPU’s so expensive?”

 

 “Why don’t manufacturers just build computers with the best specs possible?” 

 

“Can’t you just make do with a good computer? Do you really need the absolute best?” 

 

As I was screwing the last piece into place I froze and let out a gentle laugh. “Hah. You're a good friend.” I smiled as I realized she’d been distracting me by talking about computers.

 

“I know. I’m pretty amazing overall, but for you I can put out a little bit more effort and listen to you geek out about computer parts.”

 

I nodded and promised myself I’d listen to her talk about whatever boring paper she was working on whenever she wanted. 

 

“Wanna play a game?” I asked hesitantly as I booted up the tower, now fully cleaned and shiny again, and logged into my alternate account.

 

“Do I really have a chance of winning against you?” Nat laughed and shrugged.

 

I just waved my hand and pulled out the secondary VR Headset while I held the primary, my customized and retrofitted personal mask. “We won’t be playing against each other, I promise. Everyone uses the Tactical_Respawn system for things like esports matches but you can actually do a lot more with the software itself. At least, you can when you’re awesome. With that in mind, there’s basically nothing we can’t do.”

 

She grabbed the secondary rig and went to slide the mask on before noticing the username was different than expected. “Beautiful-Facsimile? Why not just log into your old account?”

 

I frowned and started to switch it over before stopping. “Hide0us_Replica was… Ahh I don’t really know how to put it… I guess over time it became a lot more than just a username for me. It was my better self. A version of me that was proud of who they were. They were an unstoppable badass able to do anything they wanted. Someone desired for just… being. At some point I found myself wanting to be more of them than of myself. As for this account, ‘Beautiful-Facsimile’ I created it just so I could be with Esme. So we could play together without anyone bothering us.” I pulled up the friends list and showed the only person on it to Nat, a user with the name ‘Cheerful-Weed’ as was appropriate. Nat laughed when she saw it.

 

“Yea, we were just trying to play up the antonym theme when naming our alternate accounts and didn’t even consider the other implications of ‘weed’.” I laughed alongside her.

 

We go to put the helmets on together when a knock at the door interrupts us. Nat starts to get up and snap at them to leave us alone when I stand up, holding her back laughing at her extreme reaction a little and telling her to take a breath. 

 

I open the door and see Officer Pugilist and Special Agent Lemmings. 

 

“Ah. I can’t say I’m happy to see the pair of you here.” I grumble to them honestly, unable to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

 

Officer Pugilist started to say something before Special Agent Lemmings stepped in front of him and spoke first. “I understand your feelings, but today I hope will be the last time any of us will be forced to interact.” 

 

I lowered my eyes suspiciously but didn’t say anything so she could explain herself.

 

“James Paige has offered to sign a confession and not contest his crimes. The evidence we have against him for most of his crimes is rock solid, but a confession will let us lock in a conviction and reinforce the weaker crimes. Plus it’ll ensure he can’t change his mind when he realizes just how bad prison will be.”

 

He kept my eyes closed as I waited for her to get to the point of this.

 

Nat spoke instead tsking and urging Lemmings to hurry up. “Great lock the son of a bitch up and throw away the key. What do you need?”

 

I felt a sad exhausted smile grow on my lips as I could feel where this was going, my lips mouthing the words in time with Lemmings words. “His confession comes with a condition. He wants to see you. Talk to you. He wouldn’t tell us anything more than that. If I’m being honest I want to suggest you ignore him. There is enough evidence and circumstance to convict him right now even without those charges he will be put away for a very long time.”

 

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I asked what I already suspected I knew the answer to. “What are the charges that you can’t prosecute him for without the confession?”

 

She looked down at the ground ashamed, as Pugilist spoke up. “The assault charges. Even with testimony the prosecutor's office thinks that it will just look like you regretting the sex after the fact. In a circumstance like this it will often come down to the way a jury swings and… there just isn’t enough evidence to be certain that they will swing your way. Add on the fact that it's far more likely for them to vote against again if they already had, the prosecutor fears it could risk the entire case. He was going to come here himself to try and convince you to just drop those charges entirely when Mr. Paige offered to confess to the entire thing if you just go and talk to him. It’s true though… You don’t have to see him at all. Just drop the assault charges.”

 

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before I turned around and grabbed my wallet, keys, and jacket. I stopped at the doorway as I heard Nat get ready to leave behind me. “I’m going to go with you but I want you to understand one thing. I never had sex that night. Sex requires you to consent. Neither I nor Leo were ever given that option. James got us so drunk we couldn’t think straight, and then he left us alone after encouraging our action. He manipulated us and controlled our actions because he was disgusted that he couldn’t break our bond through his normal actions. We were raped. He will confess to that. I’ll make sure of it.”

 

I stepped past them and walked out of the house as I forced my hand to stop shaking as I tried, and failed, to control my emotions.

 

Not depression or pain. Not sorrow or anger. 

 

Just frustration and rage.

 

Rage at the inhuman beast who thinks he can still crawl back into my life and control it despite already being locked in a cage. 

 

Not this time.

Not anymore.