-Chapter 7: Caring-

I sauntered back to the living area, unsure what to do with myself for the next few minutes. Laying down on the couch, I decided to check my phone. It was about 8:30 at night by then. I noticed that while I had left it on silent as I showered and ate, I had received a couple text messages. The first was from my boss, Lisa. She offered her condolences over my condition, and asked me to take care of myself, saying to take as long as I needed before coming back to work. Her concern was touching, and I thanked her, saying that I would let her know how I was feeling by tomorrow night.

The other message was from my mom. I had wondered why I hadn't heard from either of my parents sooner. I assumed, and hoped, the delay was just because of the shock. I read what she wrote;

Mom:

Hello, James

The doctors called and told me what happened. At first I didn't want to believe them, but I know they're telling the truth. I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I just want you to know that I'll always love you, no matter what. If you get the chance, could you give me a call? I'm worried about you, and I want to talk to you. I'm sure you're busy and have a lot to do right now, so please just let me know when you're available, and I'll make it work. I know I already said it, but I want to say it again. I love you.

Her kind words came as a relief. I knew this would be hard on her, but she made a point of putting my feelings before her own. I took a moment to think of what to say. I figured ours was going to be a long talk, and thought it'd be better to do it when neither of us would be too busy. She'd typically have more to do on weekends, and I was going to be busy with Anna. Trying to factor all that in, I messaged her back;

Me:

Heyya mom. I'm sorry to worry you. I think I'm doing alright, all things considered. It's been a LOT of adjusting, but Anna's been helping me more than I can even begin to tell you. She's back in town now, but I can tell you more about it when we talk. I think Monday afternoon would be a good time to talk, but I can do sooner or later. Whatever works best for you :)

By the way, I guess I should probably mention it now. I'm gonna be going by Sophie ^_^;

And, of course; I love you too <3

I hit send, and sighed. I figured I may have been as worried for her and dad as they were for me. I mean, probably not quite as much, but still. I couldn't imagine what this must be like for them. One day, I'm their son, the next, I'm their daughter. I wasn't the only one who needed to adjust. As I thought about it, I was struck by the realization that Anna didn't seem to need any time to adjust. Sure, she hadn't raised me, but we were still really close. And for all the times I'd questioned how much she valued me, her actions throughout the last day clearly communicated how important I was to her. 

So how was she so unfazed by all this? If she'd suddenly turned into a guy, I know I would have taken a while coming to grips with it. But, somehow, she was acting like me suddenly becoming a girl was totally normal. Was she just covering up her discomfort? I knew I was her best friend, that much was very obvious at this point, so how was she taking this so nonchalantly? I mean, she'd always handled stressful situations better than me. If there was a problem, she'd immediately start thinking up solutions while I was busy panicking. But still… she'd accepted this situation without a moment's hesitation. I couldn't understand it.

I sat there wracking my brain, trying to figure out how this situation was affecting her, or rather, why it wasn't. Shortly after, Anna emerged from the bathroom. She walked into the living room, still brushing her teeth, to fetch her phone. I noticed she was wearing only a striped, cross-strap tank top and a pair of panties. Instantly recognizing the juxtaposition of our present ensembles, I called out to her;

"Hey, wait a minute! I'm over here wearing these cutesy pajamas you told me to buy, but you're sleeping in your underwear? What's that all about?!"

"Hey, I'ff got cut'shshy pa'yamas too!" she mumbled before taking her toothbrush out of her mouth. "But they're still back at my old place. I promise, next time you spend the night, I'll wear them so you don't feel weird."

I hugged my knees to my chest and mumbled;

"You'd better…"

Anna walked back into the bathroom, phone in hand, and finished brushing her teeth, before she returned and plopped herself down on the couch next to me. She smiled playfully as she turned to me;

"Those pajamas do look really cute on you though."

"Hrrrrm…" I grumbled. "I feel like I've been set up…"

"Never! I have only the purest intentions!"

I furrowed my brow at her;

"Oh yeah? Is that why you asked me if I did it in the shower?"

"Now now, I'm only encouraging you to broaden your horizons," she said puckishly. "And besides, tell me those aren't the most comfortable things you've ever worn."

"They are very comfortable…"

"See? I truly have your best interests at heart."

"Uh-huh," I scoffed.

I relaxed a bit, sitting normally, before I mentioned,

"By the way, I heard from my mom. I'm gonna try to facetime with her on Monday."

"That's great!" Anna replied, seeming genuinely pleased. "What'd she say? How is she handling everything?"

"She's worried about me, but she seems like she's taking it okay, all things considered."

"Yeah, I can't blame her. This is a lot to take in."

Her response returned me to my earlier train of thought;

"I was wondering; how are you handling all of this so well?"

She leaned back, looking at me.

"Hmmmm… well, maybe it's because I was with you when it happened? More than anything, I think that whether you're a guy or a girl, you're still you, right?"

"Yeah, I think I agree."

"And, I am worried about you. That's part of why I want to help so much. But what good would it do either of us if I just freaked out about what happened? I'd much rather actually help you deal with this transition than just fret about it. I bet your mom would do the same if she were here."

"I don't know… maybe."

"Well, regardless, I'm really glad I'm able to be here with you for this. For both our sakes."

I couldn't help but smile;

"Thank you, Anna… I honestly don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything!" she answered, patting me on the back. "Just let me look after you, and don't try to take everything on by yourself."

"Hmhm~" I chuckled. "I'll try."

We sat there for a little while. After the moment passed, Anna turned on the TV, and started to look for something to watch on YouTube. I needed to go brush my teeth, but a thought occurred to me, and I started to wonder. I glanced sidelong at Anna, asking sheepishly;

"So… In the shower, did you actually… you know…?"

"Gasp! Sophie!" she put her hand over her mouth in faux outrage. "You should never ask a lady such personal questions!"

I rolled my eyes;

"Oh, I'm sooo sorry Ms. Double Standard!"

"Now now," she chided, "I'm allowed to ask ladies those questions, because I'm shameless!"

I simply shook my head and scoffed;

"Pffffft. Whatever…"

I stood up and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Just as I made it to the doorway, Anna called out to me;

"And to answer your question…"

I waited for a moment, but when she didn't finish her sentence, I glanced back at her. With a cheeky smile, she shot me a playful wink.

"Oh my god!" I shouted, shutting the door behind me.

I flossed and started to brush my teeth, when I got to thinking. I couldn't get over how much Anna had done for me. Even through the relentless teasing, I'd never had anyone treat me so kindly before. I started to wonder how much money she'd actually spent on me today. Then, I thought of something else; where did that money come from? Anna seemed like she did alright financially, but she wasn't rich by any stretch of the imagination. She might have a few paychecks left coming in from her contract with the school she'd worked at, but as far as I knew, she was in between jobs at the moment. Moving had to be costly, and she didn't have a roommate here, so she'd be covering rent by herself. On top of that, I didn't think her parents ever gave her any money or anything like that. All that's to say, I imagined she had to be a bit tight on cash at the moment. So where the hell did she get the money to pay for all my stuff?

Then I recalled the conversation we'd had the night before; she was saving to go to Europe. There was no way. She'd been dreaming about going since we were 16 years old. There was no way she could spend that money on me. I don't think I would ever forgive myself if that was the case. This was her dream. Even if she'd done so voluntarily, I couldn't be the one who took that away from her. There had to be some alternative. Some other explanation. But, where else could that money have come from? My stomach started knotting up. I had to know. And if she had spent her dream savings on me, there had to be some way for me to fix it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I couldn't.

I hurriedly finished brushing my teeth and made my way back to the living room. I found Anna on the couch, watching some video essay or something like that on the TV, and timidly sat down next to her. I had to prod myself to work up the courage to ask, but after a couple minutes, I managed to find my voice;

"Uh… Anna…?"

"What's up?" she answered, pausing the video.

"Umm… How did you pay for the clothes you bought me today…?"

"With a debit card?"

"N-no, I mean, where did the money come from?"

"Oh," she glanced back to the TV as she answered, "I had some money saved up, that's all."

I looked down at my lap, feeling anxious and ashamed. It took me a moment to muster up the courage to ask;

"Was it the money you were saving for your trip to Europe…?"

There was a pause. She looked at me for a second before answering;

"Yeah… but, don't worry about it, okay?"

"N-no!" I shook my head with indignation. "I can't take that from you! We've got to return the clothes or something!"

"Sophie, we're not returning the clothes."

"Then let me pay you back!"

"I don't want your money."

"But, this is your dream! It's been your dream for years! I don't want you to throw that away, especially not for me! I-"

"Sophie!" Anna interrupted me, placing her hands on my shoulders. Her voice was firm and determined;

"Listen… Europe is big, and old, and it's not going anywhere. But you? You need someone now. And that is far, far more important to me."

I looked at her with astonishment. There wasn't a hint of hesitation in her voice. She wasn't saying this just to make me feel better, and she wasn't lying to herself. She meant what she said. And I couldn't understand it. I didn't deserve this. I couldn't be more important than her dreams. It didn't make sense. I felt a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes;

"Why…? Why would you go so far for me…? I don't… I don't understand… Why…?"

Anna sighed. Not a sigh of frustration, but resignation.

"Sophie… I care about you. And… I've worried about you. I've worried about you for a long time."

"Huh…?"

"Even back when we were teenagers. Your depression did seem better when you got on your medication. But… it still seemed like you were hurting. I don't know what it was. And as time went on, I could see it getting worse. I wanted to help, but I didn't know how, or what to say."

"What do you mean…?"

"Look… even if you don't see it, you're a good person. An amazing person. And I'm just trying to show you some of the kindness you deserve. The kindness you've always shown me, and everyone else."

I shook my head;

"I don't understand. I've never done anything like what you're doing for me. So why…?"

"Maybe it wasn't one big thing, but you've shown me so many little acts of compassion. Remember the time my car broke down, and you drove all the way across town in the middle of the night during a rainstorm, and waited with me for the tow truck, and drove me home? Or the time that creepy jock from the year above us wouldn't leave me alone, so you told him to 'fuck off,' and he punched you in the stomach? Or that time junior year when my parents wouldn't let me go to prom, so you let me come over and spent the whole night hanging out with me? Or the time when I thought I was gonna fail English, so you stayed up with me until 5:00 AM helping me write my final essay? Or all the times you listened to me complain for hours on end about getting hit on by skeezy dudes, or gossiped about by catty bitches?"

"Y-yeah, but…"

"Sophie, you might not realize it, but you've done more for me than I can even begin to tell you. You absolutely deserve everything I've done for you today, and so much more. You're a wonderful, amazing human being, and…"

She reached out suddenly, grabbing my hand and holding it tightly;

"I want you to be happy. I care about you more than you know, and I want you to understand something… You deserve to be happy. Even if you don't think so, you do. You deserve to be happy, and healthy, and loved, and treated kindly, and you deserve to love yourself. So please…"

She looked to me, an expression of gentle concern on her face;

"Don't hurt yourself. Don't hate the person who's so dear to me. Okay, Sophie…?"

I couldn't speak. Anything I wanted to say was blocked by the lump in my throat. My chest hurt, and I couldn't hold myself together. I threw my arms around Anna, and I wept. It was all I could do to tell her through my sobs;

"Thank you…! Thank you…!"

She embraced me, her hand gently stroking the back of my head. She whispered softly,

"Oh, Sophie…"

She knew. I don't know how, but she knew. I'd never told her, and she'd never asked, but she knew. She knew what I put myself through. How much I hated myself. Everything I had told myself I didn't deserve; she said I did. Everything I had told myself I wasn't; she said I was. And she spoke from the heart. She wasn't just saying those things to make me feel better. It wasn't a token gesture. She'd meant every word. There was as much weight and meaning behind the things she'd told me as all the cruelty I'd thrown at myself. No. There was more weight behind what she'd said. I had to listen. I had to believe her. The person who meant more to me than anything the world had just entrusted me with her earnest beliefs. She told me I mattered. I couldn't reject those feelings. I had to accept what she said. I owed her that. Even if it was hard, and would probably take me a long time… I had to stop hating myself.

I cried for a few minutes. Anna held me, and let my feelings flow out. I experienced a lot of emotions in those moments. All those years of tormenting myself had been recognized. And they were coming to an end. I felt happy. I felt relieved. I felt overwhelmed. And, as strange as this might sound, I felt grief. I was losing a part of myself. It was a part of myself I didn't like. One that had caused me so much pain over the years. But it had been a part near the core of who I was for a very long time, and I was letting it go. More than anything, though, I felt grateful. I was grateful for Anna. I was grateful for her faith in me. Her trust in me. For all the kindness she'd shown me. And I was grateful to her for finally convincing me I wasn't the piece of trash I had so long believed myself to be. For convincing me I was a human being. For convincing me that I truly did matter.

As I finally pulled myself together, we separated and looked at each other. Anna reached up, wiping a tear from my cheek;

"Are you gonna be okay, Sophie?"

"sniff… Yeah… Yeah, I think so…"

She smiled a bittersweet, heartwarming smile;

"Good," she said, glancing at the clock. "It's getting kinda late, and I think we've both had a very long day. What do you say we head off to bed?"

"Yeah… That sounds good to me."

She stood, grasping my hand and pulling me to my feet. I asked her,

"Do you have a blanket or anything for me to use?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"Aren't I sleeping on the couch?"

"Nah, you're sleeping in bed with me."

I blinked a couple times in surprise;

"But, isn't that… kinda weird?"

"Nothing weird about a couple girls sleeping in the same bed, right?"

"No, I guess not…"

"I mean, if you're uncomfortable, I'm not gonna make you or anything."

"No," I shook my head, "That does sound… nice. Thank you, Anna."

"Don't mention it!"

Anna switched off the TV, and I grabbed us both glasses of water to keep by the bed. Turning off the lights and checking the lock on the door, we headed to her room. I plugged my phone in to charge, and set it on the floor as Anna pulled back the covers. She was setting an alarm on her phone when I sat myself down on the edge of the bed. As I did, I noticed something odd between the two pillows; a black ball of fluff that looked distinctly like a stuffed animal, and a very cute one at that.

"Oh! What's that?" I asked curiously.

"Excuse me," she replied with a hint of feigned indignation in her voice, "it's not what is that; it's who is that. And he's my son, thank you very much."

"Oh?"

She sat down and grabbed her plushie, eagerly displaying him to me. He was a round stuffed sheep, a little bigger than a basketball, with very soft looking black wool and a little gray head and feet.

"His name's Winston," Anna announced proudly. "I saw him one day when I was shopping at a mall in Portland, and I had to have him."

She smiled and hugged him to her chest;

"I've always slept better when I have something to hold onto, anyway, and this little sheep has done wonders for me."

I couldn't help but smile at this exceedingly cute display of affection;

"Well, I think he's absolutely adorable!"

"Of course he is! He's my sweet baby boy."

She glanced at him for a second, a look of thought on her face. She then held him out to me with a bashful expression.

"Just for tonight! I want you to borrow him."

"Hmhm~ I couldn't possibly take your son away from you!"

"Of course not! But, I think you should sleep with him tonight. Seriously, it feels amazing cuddling with this little guy. It puts me right out. And, besides, he's a growing young man, and I think he needs to branch out a bit! So I'm trusting you to take care of him tonight!"

"Well," I replied with a smile, "when you put it like that, how can I refuse?"

I reached out and accepted him from her. The faux wool was exceptionally soft, and I gently hugged him to my chest;

"Oh my god! It's like hugging a cloud!"

"See?" Anna said proudly. "I told you!"

I could feel myself starting to blush happily. Looking at Anna, I could see she was doing the same.

"Thanks, Anna."

"Don't thank me, thank Winston!"

I looked down at the ball of black fluff held between my arms and my chest, staring at the two black circles of its stitched on eyes.

"Thank you, Winston."

"Anything for you, Sophie!" Anna answered in a silly voice. We both started to laugh.

"You dork!"

"Hey, I'm a dork and I'm proud!" she boasted, setting her phone on the nightstand and laying on the bed. I noticed she hadn't turned off the lamp yet, and I laid down too, facing her. She smiled warmly and talked to me;

"On a more serious note; there's something I thought of that I felt like I should tell you about."

"What's up?" I asked, cocking my head slightly to the side.

"Well, if I'm trying to help you get used to being a woman, there was something I thought of that could be really helpful. It was for me, anyway."

"What's that?"

"You need to figure out what being a woman means to you."

I wasn't expecting her to say something like that, and I felt a little confused;

"How do you mean?"

"It's not a question everyone confronts. Some people never really consider their gender, and that works for them. I think a person's relationship with their gender is a complicated and deeply individual thing. It can make people feel happy, confident, and comfortable, or it can cause them a great deal of pain. So, I think coming to grips with and learning to understand your own womanhood could be really helpful for you. Both in terms of adjusting to your new body, and in the long term of living your life."

I was still a bit confused;

"So, what would that look like?"

"Well, I think you can use some social standards of femininity as a baseline, but you should really consider your own thoughts and feelings. How does being a woman make you feel? What kind of woman do you want to be? What qualities do you admire in other women, and how do those qualities relate to you? All those things gradually add up to answer the question; what does being a woman mean to you? Finding an answer can take a long time, but I think it could really help you improve your self image. Understanding and embracing your femininity will almost certainly help you feel better about yourself. I think it could make you really happy in the end."

"So… I take it you have your own answer to that question, then?"

"I do, but… I think I should hold off on telling you. I know you're more than capable of thinking for yourself, but I don't want my answer to influence yours. This really needs to be something you decide for yourself. It's your identity, and your body, and your life, and you can't and shouldn't let anyone else tell you how to feel about it. Arriving at my own answer has been really personally meaningful. It's helped me accept who and what I am, and it's honestly become a source of pride and joy for me. I think it could do the same for you. I know it's too soon for you to know your own answer, and there's no need to rush, but I just think it's something you should keep in mind. It really could help you, like it's helped me."

I laid there for a moment, lost in thought. She was speaking earnestly, and this was clearly something of great importance to her. If she thought it could make a big difference for me, there was a good chance she was right. She knew me better than anyone else. She cared about me more than anyone else. So, I trusted her on this. But she was right; it was still way too soon for me to know the answer. I nodded and gave her my reply;

"Well, I've only been a woman for a day, but, yeah, I'll definitely give it some thought. I can tell how much this means to you, and if you think it could be the same way for me, you're probably right. So, I'll do my best to figure it out, and I'll let you know when I do!"

Anna was beaming;

"That's wonderful! I'm really happy to hear that!"

I smiled. She seemed to be putting a lot of faith in me, and that really made me happy. She'd been making me really happy all throughout the day.

"Hey, Anna?"

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say thank you, again, for everything. Today was… really good. It could have been one of the worst days of my life, but you turned it into something wonderful. I can't tell you how grateful I am."

She smiled and shook her head;

"Not at all! You shouldn't sell yourself short. I don't mean this to sound patronizing, but I'm really proud of you. I know how scared you were, and I have no idea how overwhelming this must all be for you, but you've taken everything in stride. You've laughed with me, and joked with me, and put up with my teasing, and you've held together amazingly well. You've been so brave, and positive, and it's been wonderful to see. Honestly, it's made me really happy!"

My chest felt warm. Those earnest words of praise lifted my spirit in ways I couldn't understand. I was so glad. I'd been able to give her at least some of the joy she'd given me. I felt so happy, and valid. I felt meaningful. I mattered to her. I mattered. Period. She'd finally convinced me of that, and she was, through such a simple gesture, showing me again. I smiled what felt like the most radiant smile, the beginnings of teardrops forming in my eyes;

"Thank you, Anna!"

She offered me a kind, nurturing smile, and reached up, gently patting my head;

"Thank you, too, Sophie."

We lay there together for a moment, before Anna finally reached over and turned off the lamp. She adjusted in bed, and I pulled the sheets over myself, relaxing my body. Ever so quietly, she whispered to me;

"Good night, Sophie."

"Good night, Anna."

I let my heavy eyelids fall shut, and took a slow, deep breath. I don't think I'd ever felt so relaxed before. Between the fluffy ball of Winston I held in my arms, the silky soft pajamas, and the cool feeling of the sheets against my body, I felt like I was floating. Between my exhaustion from the long day, and the zen like bliss I was enjoying, I found myself asleep before I knew it.

…

…

…

I was adrift. I could perceive myself almost floating. I stood, and observed my surroundings. I was in the middle of a vast, expansive ocean which stretched endlessly in every direction. I was standing upright, but not quite on the surface; I could feel the gentle, cool waves washing against my thighs. The water was clean and clear, and looking down, I could see the many peaks and valleys of the sea floor. There were forests of corral, and underwater volcanoes spewing gray earthen smoke into the water, and schools of fish, and dolphins, and sharks, and whales, and all kinds of other sea life.

I looked above me. Over my head, the night sky stretched beyond the horizon. The incomprehensibly vast cosmos hovered above, with its many dazzling stars, and diverse planets, and colorful nebulas, and comets, and black holes, and debris fields all laid bare to see. Even the expanse of time itself seemed to present itself in the indescribably beautiful panorama of the heavens. There were countless shooting stars, darting every which direction, in a beautiful dance of organized disorder. The stars were, as always, impossibly far away, and inevitably out of reach. And yet, when I raised a hand to the sky, I could feel the breeze of those same shooting stars as they whizzed by. I could feel the chill of the cold darkness, and the warmth of the many glowing stars.

The waves churned beneath me, firm but gentle. The stars danced about the heavens above me, orderly in their beautiful chaos. The sea was endless, but finite. The stars were unbelievably distant, yet impossibly close. All these seeming contradictions were easy for me to accept. They were simply the truth. And I was at peace. I could perceive the universe as it existed around me, and I recognized my place in it. I was part of something unbelievably vast and overwhelmingly beautiful. And I was alive. My body was thriving, and my mind was flowing, and my soul was dancing, and I was alive. And it was so, so wonderful.

…

…

…

And then I awoke. I gradually became aware of the space around me, and the room I was in, and the bed I was on, and the person sleeping next to me. That sense of sublime peace I had experienced in my dream was gradually replaced with feelings of curiosity and confusion. I had never once in my life had a dream like that before. I know I would have remembered if I did. I began to feel a sense of loss. I didn't want to leave that wonderful place. I wanted to stay there, and feel my life and the flowing of life around me. It was so beautiful I could barely comprehend it. But, it was a dream, and, now, it had ended. I was returned to my reality. Part of me longed to go back to that heavenly wonderland. Part of me was glad I had gotten to experience that dream at all. And part of me would wonder why I had had such a surreal and powerful dream, and what had brought it on. From what part of myself did that experience originate?

Well, worrying about it now wouldn't accomplish anything. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I saw that it was a couple minutes before 2:00 in the morning. Beside me, Anna was fast asleep. I glanced at my friend's peaceful expression, and shut my eyes. I was still tired, and I was still very comfortable. So I tried to clear my mind and focus on the sounds around me. I listened to the rhythmic ticking of the analog clock. I heard the distant sound of cars driving by on the freeway. I listened to Anna's gentle, steady breathing. And, soon enough, I had drifted back off to sleep.