Chloe

Mar 29, 2014, Saturday.

Personal statements, SATs, recommendation letters.

The more I scroll through the application websites for some US schools, the more I want to bury myself in my blanket. The requirements are stressing me out. I feel so inadequate...

And my feeling of incompetency worsens whenever I think about RJ. She's so smart, so confident, and so put together, with all her goals thought out. She's so unlike me in so many ways.

Not to mention, the thought of leaving this country—the country I grew up in—makes me excited and queasy at the same time. I want to both squeal and puke my guts out. Instead, I grab the pillow and roll around on the couch.

My mom just has to appear at that moment with a bowl of cut fruit. "Chiarong, nǐ zěn me le?" Are you okay?

"Nothing, nothing," I say in Chinese as I sit back up.

Māma joins me on the couch and I snuggle next to her. Taking a piece of watermelon from the fruit bowl, I ask, "Are you excited about your surgery, Māma?"

"Of course. Thanks for raising so much money, dearest daughter."

"It's not just me, all my friends contributed." I help myself to another piece of fruit—honeydew this time—and lean my head on Māma's shoulder. "Māma... how would you feel if I applied to schools overseas?"

"For universities?"

"Yeah..." My voice turns into a whisper as regret kicks in. Why did I ask my mother that? How can I ever bring up something like this to my mother, when we spent all my life together, when she raised me by herself, when we only have each other?

"I would be so, so happy," Māma declares, shocking me with her unexpected enthusiasm.

I blink. "Wait, really?"

"Of course! The world is so big, Chiarong, you should get out there and explore. What better way to do it than during college?"

Exploring the world. That was exactly what RJ said as well. I stuff a piece of apple in my mouth. "You won't be... You won't be sad that I'm leaving you behind?"

"You're not leaving me behind, silly girl," Māma says with a chuckle. "Of course I'll be sad to not have you around, but I'll get used to it. I'll be happy if you are happy."

Every time Māma says something like this, tears threaten to flood my eyes. I flutter my eyelashes as I huddle in my mother's arms even more.

"I don't know... I'm scared," I admit. "I'm scared to leave home."

"Ah, I know how you feel." Māma gives me a knowing smile. "I was also so, so scared when I left Taiwan. But you know, while it's scary to leave your comfort zone, it's worth it for a bigger cause. If you need to leave, leave. Home is not a place you should be trapped in. Home is a nest for you to fly back to whenever you're tired of exploring. You can always come back to me whenever you get tired of the outside world."

I've never thought about it this way. "How do you know if it's worth it?"

"That's up to you." Māma pokes a finger at my chest. "Follow your heart."

I let out an exaggerated groan as if my mother injured my rib cage, much to her amusement. But I am also lamenting that advice. My heart is a mess of emotions, how can I possibly follow it?

"But where do you want to go?" Māma asks. "China? Europe? America?"

"I'm... not sure. I haven't thought about it." I feel embarrassed admitting my lack of knowledge, so I add, "RJ is the one who really wants to go overseas to study. She's got it all figured out and stuff. She asked me if I want to join her, but I... I haven't figured it out yet."

"I see." Māma raises her eyebrows. "So, everything is good between you two?"

"Oh." My cheeks burn as I remember how I cried about RJ last month. I forgot to tell my mother that we have made up. "Yeah..."

"Did she apologize?" she demands. "Did she properly make up with you?"

I cannot help but laugh at how angry my mother is. "She did, she did," I assure her.

"And now she wants you to follow her around! The audacity of that girl." Māma shakes her head dramatically. "I swear, if she breaks your heart again, I will beat her up."

Thinking back to how RJ easily knocked over Adrian, I doubt my mother can best her in a fight. But I keep that to myself.

"I do want to be with her though," I mutter.

"You still have time to think about it, and whatever you choose, I will support you one hundred percent. Except..." She sighs. "I cannot support you financially. I will try my best, but I am sorry, Chiarong. I don't think I can."

I shake my head. "I won't ask that of you! RJ mentions there are scholarships I can apply for. I'll try those. If not, I'll work till I have enough money."

Māma's smile widens. "Zhēn guaī." Such a good kid.

We spend the next hour finishing up the bowl of fruit and chatting before leaving for our respective jobs.

I love being able to hang out and do simple things like that with Māma, but I also want to be with RJ. And there is a bigger world out there. It has never occurred to me to explore, but my curiosity is piqued now. Oh dear, all these thoughts are making my decision even harder.

Why is everything so hard in life?

I shake these thoughts away. I'll think about it after work.

My new job is a lot further from where I live than my old job, but that's a trade-off I am okay with. As much as I miss Clementine and Sakura and everyone else in Tropics Falls, I am much happier spending my day baking and creating recipes. RJ also stops sulking whenever we talk about work, which has been a welcoming change.

Stepping into the mall, I am about to climb up the stairs to the second floor when I spot someone familiar—or rather, someone who looks familiar.

An older woman in formal business wear sits at a table next to a cafe, holding a cup of coffee. Her long, slim legs are crossed while her dark, intense eyes are glued onto me. Most strikingly, she looks just like RJ, and her aura is the same too—fierce, confident, and so intense.

The way she's staring at me reminds me of the way RJ stared at me when we first met in Tropic Falls.

She has to be RJ's mother.

As our eyes meet, a smile tugs at her lips. She raises a finger and beckons for me.

I gulp and walk over. "H- Hello. Um, Mrs... Shin?"

"Oh, you know who I am." Her accent is as strange as the situation we're in. It's not quite as American as Clementine's, and not quite as Singaporean as RJ's. Instead, she sounds as though she has lived in many different countries in her lifetime.

My neck is stiff but I manage a nod. "RJ looks... a lot like you." Very beautiful. Scarily beautiful.

"Ah, I see. That is the only thing the stubborn child inherited from me, unfortunately. Chloe, is it?" Mrs. Shin gestures at the chair across from her table. "Why don't you have a seat and chat with me?"

Sitting down, I cannot help but keep my back straight and my hands placed on my legs as if I am waiting to be scolded for something I've done.

Compared to me, Mrs. Shin is as casual as she can be. She sips at her coffee while scrolling on her phone, completely nonchalant about the fact that she had just called someone over to her table.

"Um... Mrs. Shin," I mutter, "I, uh, I need to be going soon. Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

She finally puts her cup and phone down. "Ah, sorry about that. Work. But you don't have to worry about your work, I spoke to your boss before this. He knows you'll be late."

I blink. "You... spoke to Devan? Why?"

"I just want to get to know you." Mrs. Shin raises her eyebrows. "Especially since my daughter seems to like you so much."

Oh no, does she know about our relationship? RJ had been very clear that she never wants her mother to find out about us. About me.

"RJ and I are just classmates," I insist.

"Please, you don't have to lie to me." She gives me a once-over before sighing. "You look so wary of me. I don't know what lies Ruijun has been feeding you, but I'm not trying to ruin her life. All mothers care for their children, even if the kids don't believe it."

I don't know what to say. RJ has made her mother sound so frightening and unreasonable that these words are taking me by surprise.

"And you seem like a very sweet girl," Mrs. Shin continues. "You're working to pay for your mother's medical bills, right?"

"Um, sort of, yeah..."

She nods. "A sweet girl who listens to and cares for her mother. RJ has a lot to learn from you."

I feel myself blushing. "Um, t- thank you..."

"Devan also told me that you're a very good and passionate baker. You know, I have contacts at the Marriott hotels. They hire pastry chefs and they definitely pay much better than BreadTalk. I can get you in touch if you want."

My jaw drops. Those are some of the best hotels in Singapore. I looked into their job openings last year out of curiosity, but I dropped them out of my consideration within seconds. "I- I've heard of that, but they want people who've been to culinary school and everything."

"Well, it doesn't hurt to try, right? Maybe you can ask for an internship instead of a job. It'll be good for you if you choose to go down this road. Better than working for a low wage at a small bakery anyway. What's your email?"

I give her my email address, and Mrs. Shin writes up a quick email—copying me—to the head chef of one of the hotels.

"There you go," she says, putting her phone back down again. "Give it a shot, alright?"

My mouth drops further. Getting in touch with a head chef, at a high-end hotel? It's a dream I do not even dare to even think about! Even if a job doesn't come out of it, the opportunity is still priceless.

It takes me a while for me to gather my words again. "Thank you, Mrs. Shin... seriously... I- I don't know what to say..."

"No need to thank me. I know what it's like doing everything it takes for your family. You want the best for your mother, I want the best for my children."

I nod vigorously.

"Good that you agree. Now that I've helped you, I hope you'll help me in turn." She leans forward and places her elbows on the table. "For all of our sakes, Chloe, please stop seeing Ruijun."