RJ

Mar 29, 2014, Saturday.

I am angry. So much that I want to punch a hole through this stupid wall.

Chloe called me in the middle of the afternoon, sobbing and blubbering. It took me a good ten minutes to calm her down to tell me what happened, and the more she recounted, the more my fingers dug into my palms.

And now, I am shaking with fury. When I hear the front door opening and the rhythmic clacks of my mother's stilettos, rage clouds my mind. I let out a roar before bolting out of my room and down the stairs.

"Why the fuck did you do that for, Ma?"

Everyone in the living room stops to stare at me. Ruimin is doing homework at the dining table, and my outcry causes him to freeze and drop his pen. The maid halts her sweeping duty and scrambles out of the room in fear. Meanwhile, Ma merely gives me a glance.

"Keep your voice down," she orders before continuing her way to her room.

"No!" I bark. "You tell me right now why the fuck did you go and find Chloe?"

Ma pays no attention to me. I run up to her such that I am walking right next to her, almost screaming into her ears.

"Don't fucking ignore me lah!"

But she ignores me as she climbs up the stairs and marches into her study.

"Ma!" I shout one more time.

"Let's talk about this later. I have a client call soon."

"It's a fucking Saturday."

"I have clients from all over the world."

Ma begins to close the door on me, but I shove my hands on the door and force my way in.

"If you have time to bother Chloe, you have time to talk to your own daughter," I snap.

That seems to get to my mother finally. She rolls her eyes as she leans back on her work desk. "Fine. Let's talk."

"I just don't fucking get it lah! I did everything you told me to, okay? I went to all the stupid dinners, I go everywhere with the chauffeur, I don't even go out much anymore, why are you still going around fucking my life up? Why can't you fucking leave me alone?"

"Calm down, Ruijun. All I did was have a simple chat with your friend."

"You made her cry!"

"It's not my fault if she's so sensitive."

"You told her to break up with me! Why the fuck would you say something like that?"

Ma rolls her eyes again. "So dramatic." She waves a hand at me as if I am an employee she can just dismiss. "Go hang out with Jon, drink, smoke, or whatever you do these days to calm down. We'll talk more at night when your father gets back."

"No, we won't." I grind my teeth. "After this, I'm going to leave this stupid fucking house, and this time, I am never coming back."

Raising her eyebrows, Ma folds her hands and snorts. "Suit yourself. You'll be back anyway."

"No, I won't!" Seeing my mother's nonchalance is fueling my rage. She is the one who would get hysterical whenever I do something that would tarnish the family name. But now, I am the one being treated like an emotional kid for being upset at what she did to me. To Chloe.

All of the resentment and frustration built up throughout my life begins to pour out from me like a broken dam. "What kind of fucking parent are you lah? Do you seriously not give a shit about me? You controlled me my whole fucking life, and for what sia? Saving face? For the stupid family name? For your reputation? Why the fuck does any of that matter? I should matter the most to you! But you clearly don't give a shit about your own daughter! All you do is ruin my life!"

"How the hell am I ruining your life, Ruijun?" Ma retorts. "Open your eyes and take a look around you. You're living the life that everyone wants. Be grateful."

"I'm not living the life that I want! I'm living the life that you want! Every decision you ever made for me is for you, for making your life perfect, for making the family proud, and I hated every single decision you made for me lah! When the fuck do I get to choose—"

Ma cuts me off by grabbing my face with her hand, her long fingernails digging into my cheeks. She tilts my head up such that I am forced to look up into her eyes. Fear strikes me and my body stiffens in terror. It has been a long time since my mother got violent with me, and I forgot how strong she is—and how terrifying she can be.

"Listen here, you ingrate," Ma growls. She leans forward such that her hot, minty breath makes my eyes water. "Why do you think you're the way you are right now, with the best grades in school, the most comfortable lifestyle you can ask for, and the achievements that can get you into any school you want, hm? Do you think you got here by yourself? No! It's because of me, you ungrateful child. Every single decision I made paved your way here. You think I don't give a shit about you? You don't know how much shit I have to give to get you to stop whining and complaining like a child. And you keep on whining and complaining every single time, even though every single—fucking—decision ends up being right. I could've just given up on you, but instead, I pushed on. I clamped down hard on you. And for what? For my sake? It's for your sake, Ruijun. Open your eyes."

The more she speaks, the more her nails dig into me. I blink rapidly, hoping to stop them from tearing up. "You never care about what I want—"

"You don't know what you want," Ma snaps. "And that's the problem with kids these days. It's always about following your heart, or doing what makes you happy. Bullshit. That's the one surefire way to spiral into failure. I am helping you, Ruijun, by stopping you from making stupid mistakes in life. And I succeeded because you are doing so well. Until that girl ruined everything."

Ma pulls my face up so she is now even closer to me, and I have to tip-toe to keep from straining my neck.

"So you listen to me right now." Her stifling whisper sends a shudder down my spine. "I never minded when you played around, drinking and hanging out with questionable people in the bars. Those are temporary; harmless in the grand scheme of things. But what I do mind is when you get entangled in a relationship like this. A relationship that you seem to treat way more seriously than you should. A relationship that is forbidden, mind you, in our society. You can feel what you want to feel for that girl, for any girl, but it cannot be serious. Cut it loose. Cut her loose."

Hearing the last three words brings out all remaining strength in me to push my mother away. Rubbing my stinging face, I spit, "Never. I'm not fucking listening to you ever again."

Ma smoothens her blouse before scowling at me. "Then leave. Go ruin your life. You think you can survive outside this home? You had to rely on your rich friends to scrape by the last time."

I clench my fists. "I can and I will."

I storm out of her study. I bolt to my room and pack up as many clothes as I can into a duffel bag. Just as I'm zipping up everything, there's a knock on the door.

"Jie," Ruimin mumbles. "You... leaving again?"

I glance at him. "Yeah."

He digs into his pocket and takes out his wallet. "I have some money here. My bank card is in here too with all my savings."

My eyes widen before they flicker with guilt. I can't believe my younger brother is offering up his money for me. "Keep it for yourself lah," I say, pushing his hand away.

"But- But Ma is going to cut off all your cards..."

"I know lah." I give him a weak smile and pat him on the head. "See you around, Ruimin."

Swinging my school bag and duffel over my shoulders, I leave the house, not once looking back.

---

Chloe's eyes are still red and puffy when she opens the door for me.

"RJ? Why are you here?" Her eyes travel to the bags I'm carrying, which answers her question. She groans. "RJ, you know it's a bad idea for you to run away from home!"

I sigh. "Can I live with you this time?"

More tears well up in Chloe's already teary eyes, and she nods. After she lets me in, I drop my bags on the floor and scoop her into an embrace. Chloe melts into me, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist.

"RJ, we've spoken about this lah," she mutters into my shirt. "If you run away from home, how are you going to go overseas for university?"

"It doesn't matter lah," I insist. "I'd rather be with you."

I can feel Chloe sighing as her breath heats my shoulder. I respond by burying my head further into her neck, not letting her go. We hug in the middle of her government-subsidized flat for a long time, until Chloe breaks the silence.

"Do you love me, RJ?"

I tighten my arms around her. "Of course I do."

"But will you be... happy with me?"

"What? Of course I will lah. I love you."

"But is that enough to be happy? Is love... enough?"

I frown. Peeling Chloe away from me, I force her to look me in the eyes. "What did my mother say to you?"

"Nothing lah..." Chloe shakes her head, but her expression tells me otherwise.

I hold onto Chloe's face and caress her cheeks. "Look, Chloe, I don't know what my mother told you, but don't fucking listen to her, okay? That woman doesn't believe in love or happiness. She married my father in an arranged marriage, and she genuinely thinks that's the best decision she made in life, even though their relationship is basically a business transaction."

Chloe's brows furrow. "Arranged marriage?" she whispers incredulously. "In this day and age?"

"Yeah, she's stuck in the old days lah, but I refuse to be that way. She doesn't believe in love because she's never met someone like you." I stroke Chloe's face a bit more before pulling her in for a forehead kiss. "I love you, okay? And I want to be with you."

"I love you too," Chloe replies softly. There is a pause before she adds, "But I wonder if I'm letting you be happy lah. Like, I want you to pursue your dreams and do all the things you want to do. I don't want to be the dead weight that's stopping you from that, you know?"

"Chloe, you are not—"

My words are cut off by a loud buzz. Chloe's phone is ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello?... Yes, that's me... What?... When?... Okay... Okay, I'll be there..." Her voice starts quavering while her face turns paler and paler by the second.

"What is it?" I ask when she hangs up.

Chloe tightens her hand around the phone as if she is holding onto it for life support.

"My mother... She... She fell down the stairs at work."