Sitting on the edge of this unfamiliar bed with the blue twilight barely peeking through the curtains, I barely turned over and stared at the man sleeping peacefully next to me. I gazed at his unclothed beige frame and wondered if he was dreaming a good dream due to the smirk on his face.
Without trying to disturb his sleep I silently sat up from the bedside. I glanced around for my clothes that were thrown off me from the night before. After stumbling around in the shadowy room I managed to find clothes, probably not mine, and brought them on.
I still felt as if I wasn't fully clothed and like muscle memory, I lifted my hand to my neck to feel for the familiar strand and rings that had been a part of me for the last 2 years.
That familiar feeling was not there and my grogginess slowly started melting away. Guilt and anxiety instead replaced the grogginess and began to build up inside me, like I was going to spew out the contents as I started to recall the scenes that had played out the night before.
I think of my shaky hands gently reaching around the nap of my neck to take apart the clip. I turned to the nightstand and lightly set down the necklace as though it would break if I had done it any faster.
The memories started flooding in and before the panic could overtake me, I quickly, like a cat, jumped to the nightstand and sprawled my hands out all over the hard cold surface. With a quiet sigh of relief I had found what I had been looking for.
After clasping the chilled necklace, I remembered why I had woken up in the first place. I needed nicotine. Badly. I scurried through my purse, which felt like a lifetime, to grab my vape pen. Normally I wouldn't care about smoking inside, but I needed the air and conveniently there was a balcony that looked like it had not been used yet due to the sudden monsoon that had started last night.
As softly as I could, I cracked open the door, but with every sound that was made I would rapidly whip my head over towards the direction of the bed. Once I got the door opened just enough for me to fit through the side of my body, I slid outside onto the balcony.
The blue haze still filled the sky with most of the city still sleeping. I always enjoyed being awake at this time because it felt like time just stopped for you. I puffed away and recognized that I couldn't get the nicotine in fast enough. My vape pen was like my own little pacifier. It soothed me and I took it everywhere I went.
While I leaned against the railing on the balcony looking over the smaller buildings I wondered if there was anyone else doing the exact same thing as I was. As that thought crossed my mind, I had the sudden urge to cry. I did not feel sad, nor did I feel anything at that moment. As I started thinking more about my urge to cry I instantly felt tears welling up. I tried wiping them away as fast as they could fall down, but that just only made my eyes more irritated which caused even more tears to come.
Why did I feel like this? It has been almost 3 years and I should be able to move on, yet I still feel some kind of guilt, like I'm not allowed to be happy. He would want me to be happy, he wouldn't want me to act this way. So why can't I just move on?
