This was the one day I decided to not leave my bed. I could barely sleep the days following up to it, and it's a day that I've been dreading. It's been exactly 2 years since the death of my husband, James.

This first week in Thailand I've been really trying to keep my mind preoccupied with job searching and sightseeing. I've had no luck, of course, however I don't know if that's because I've subconsciously been thinking about this day for a while now. My break up with Hinata was hard, but this was harder than that.

I missed James so much, it hurt. I can't eat and when I do eat it's barely a bite or two. My body is reacting as though I'm having withdrawals. I'm feverish and have chills. I would never wish this upon anyone, not even Hinata.

I could tell Beth seemed concerned, I just told her I wasn't feeling well and not to worry about me. The other girl, the one Beth referred to as a mouse, didn't seem to notice, which I'm totally fine with. Mom called me as soon as she could to check in on me, I told her I was keeping myself busy, which was a lie.

It has been an entire year since I've been without my best friend and I guess I can say I'm surprised I've made it this far. The thought of ending it all had befallen onto me more times than I can count. It would just be easier, right? James had this way of making me feel so confident in myself without ever trying. He was patient and kind, people would always tell me how lucky we were that we found each other; except now my life was in shambles. I didn't know what I wanted out of this life that was given to me. I thought I might've found happiness again, however that was all a lie and I ran away. These hideous views swallowed me whole. And so I lied there, not feeling anything, but also noticing everything.

• • •

I woke up again for the umpteenth time, still feeling woozy. I crawled down from the bunk bed and headed towards the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face to try and get rid of how swollen I looked. After I was finished, I staggered back to my room to grab my vape pen. Not really noticing my surroundings, I unexpectedly heard a soft spoken voice, "You know you cry in your sleep..." Still trying to wake up, I scanned around the room. That wasn't Beth's voice... Wait! It was the mouse girl?

"I'm sorry...?" She was still in the same position I always saw her in, just sitting on her bed with her laptop.

"You've been crying in your sleep all day." She sounded put out by this. I didn't give a shit though.

"Well... Sorry if that bothers you."

"It doesn't... You talk a lot in your sleep too. Especially today." Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, little girl? 

"Okaaay..."

"That necklace you wear all the time, does it relate to the person you've been crying over?" I delicately grabbed the rings that were attached to the necklace and barely ducked my head. 

"I kind of thought so. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost someone too."

"Oh, t-thank you... And my condolences."

"Yeah, it was really hard at first. I didn't think I could go on living without them. It's like I didn't know how to do everyday functions without them around... Until I started traveling and writing blogs about my time in different countries. I found a way to connect with other people, and most importantly, I was happy again." The mouse girl's words struck a chord in me. She was so quiet when she talked, but her words had such a loud impact.

"... But what if I can't find something that I love to do?"

"I'm not saying it's easy. It's going to be really difficult, but you'll get there. You just gotta believe in yourself more. I know that's easier said than done. Just trust me though." I dwelled on what she said, "... believe in yourself more..." I'm not even sure where to start. Before I could finish my inner monologue, the mouse girl spoke out again, "I know you've been job hunting lately. Is that correct?"

"Oh, ummm, yes. It hasn't been going too well though."

"Have you thought about volunteer work? There are a lot of volunteer programs around here that pay and provide housing. You should check it out. You might find something you appreciate doing."

"Oh... Yeah I didn't think of that. Thank you... Ummm, I'm sorry. I never caught your name."

"Ocean. Ocean Harrak." I slightly laughed at this, "Your name is Ocean?"

"Yeah, my mom picked it out before she abandoned me and my dad."

"Oh shit... I'm sorry."

"It happened when I was like 1, so don't worry about it."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Ocean, and also... Thank you... I really needed that."

"Not a problem Tabi! I'm leaving for Japan tomorrow so I'm glad I could help in some way." Of course she's leaving for Japan.

"You're going to Japan?"

"Yeah, you've been?"

"Actually, yes I have been. It's nice there. My advice: just use public transportation or walk. It's easier that way."

"Noted. Well I'll let you get back to what you were doing... Gotta finish this blog before tomorrow."

"Right. Of course. Thanks again!" I rushed out of the room and headed outside towards the front of the building. As standoffish as Ocean appeared, she was actually very gentle. Between her experience and her way of words, she made me forget about my worries back there in the room. I wish to be like her someday, to be doing something that makes me feel content.

I stood outside the hostel, vaping away. It was dark out, but the buildings nearby lit up the back-street well enough for me to see where I was walking. I didn't know the time, but it must've still been early because there were lots of people out and about. It seems childish to think that some stranger's words could make me feel better, in spite of that maybe that's what I needed, an outsider's point of view. I had my mom and some people back at home who knew the whole story, that just wasn't the same though. They loved me and told me what they thought would make me feel better in that moment, the only difference was they didn't understand the pain I was going through. Hell, I didn't want them to understand the pain either, regardless I guess I just required someone who was, or went through the same shit I did. My perspective felt like it had been broadened and that feeling of withdrawal wasn't completely gone, yet it only lingered. This was enough for me to find an incentive to keep moving forward.