I've never succeeded at anything I tried, unless someone told me to do something. I always thought that if i just tried hard enough, kept going at it, that I would eventually succeed.

But no matter what I do, I just can't seem to try hard! I can't even find motivation to wake up half the time, then half of the rest of the time I can't even find the motivation to get up...

I lifted up my head, to see what I had written the day before.

彼は父親が母親を殴るのを見て隅で泣きました。彼女も犠牲者であり、怒りと苦しみの時代の犠牲者でした。しかし、彼はひび割れたりつまずいたりしませんでした。彼はシャツを引き裂いて始めましざうぇさえああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ

repeat 25 pages full of あ, mimicking my inner screams of pain as I read what I wrote the day before. I quickly deleted all of it before I end up deleting myself out of existence instead. I'm not even writing on a japanese site, why did I change the keyboard back to jp? 

I tried writing the chapter again, but then soon came to a halt as I didn't know how to really make my story get from point A to point B naturally, without inserting some ham-fisted dramatic bullshit again. I was tempted to rip my hair out after getting stuck at a scene which would seem so easy to write.

Every time I wrote a sentence I would backspace it because it either conflicted with the flow of the scene, or the general atmosphere. Every line I wrote felt janky, every action I made the characters perform felt like I cursed them into performing after taking away their free will. Almost as if I was a mad god torturing the very creations I brought to life. 

Maybe I am kind of the same, just fucking up my own life because the one controlling me doesn't know what to do. Depending on what your answer is for who is controlling you, whether you think you have free will or not, the only thing I know that whatever it is it's not good at making life fun. 

I was almost tempted to write things like this in my story, which deals with themes of abandonment and loneliness, but won't because it would just be distracting, and it isn't like anyone would care. Even I find it boring sometimes. If only I could meet someone that would turn my life upside down.

I decided to check up on my only friend on my ' ' account, and the only friend I have right now. I quickly logged on to see if she sent any messages. I saw one notification.

'sup'

sent at 9:51am, just before I logged on.

'I feel awful, my head hurts, and I still haven't uploaded a chapter yet (╯︵╰,)'

'same as usual then wwww.'

'Hey! I'm trying you know...'

'yeah yeah ur doing ur best ik ik.'

'Yeah...'

'anything I can help out with?'

'No, no, it's fine. I'm just kind of thinking what to do about it.'

'get some air outside.'

'I can't, I need to write.'

'it helps. removes all the distractions. clears all the shit in your head. trust me.'

She has told me this time and time again, but I don't want to go outside. I don't feel safe when I'm out of my house, and I don't even know what I would do there without money. Talk to strangers? Go around staring at buildings?

I tried replying that to her, but ended up deleting it halfway. I looked over to my coat, playing with the idea. maybe something interesting could happen? Looking back at the screen, I saw the words that finally convinced me to leave outside, more convincing than anything she'd ever sent me before.

'if you go out ill donate you 1000 yen.'

Sweet.