Chapter 9:

Alterius non sit qui suus esse potest

Following Felix, Luca walked through the empty side hall, passing by the children’s jackets and boots that had already been laid out to dry. The children had already walked back to their respective hallway, back towards the classrooms situated to the front of the building. Walking through the hall to the dormitories, they were greeted only by the sounds of the children’s voices down the other halls, and the sounds of their feet tapping against the tile flooring. 

“I’m going to grab that thing I wanted to show you. Why don’t you change out of your wet clothes while you wait?” Felix suggested, opening the door to his room as Luca stepped inside, shivering. “Just put your wet bags in that bag over there. I’ll take care of them after.” He motioned to an empty clothes bag hanging on the side of the bunk, most likely prepared by Felix as he played outside with the children. 

“Sounds great. I’ll be here, then.” Luca nodded in response, reaching down into his dufflebag to retrieve new clothes, digging through the bag in a messy fashion until he retrieved a pair of his black long johns and a clean pair of jeans. As Felix walked away from the room, he shut the door, allowing Luca some privacy as he retrieved a clean pair of underwear and began to change, stripping off his wet clothes quickly before he began to change into his dry clothes.  

It’s cold in here. Luca thought as he rubbed his bare arms, covered only with his new pair of briefs. Still shivering, he slid his legs into the long johns, sliding them up his legs as he tugged up the waistband, feeling warmer as the material rested on his skin. Sighing, Felix quickly retrieved his hoodie and slipped it over his head, covering his bare chest and warming his cool skin. Carefully, he bent down to grab his jeans, and as his hand tugged onto the leg of the jeans, the door opened. 

“Ah, sorry.” Felix said, surprised. He stopped at the doorway, almost reluctant to enter as Luca straightened his back, holding the jeans in his hand as he responded, 

“No, you’re alright.” Luca shook out his jeans and stuck his leg in the left pant leg, “It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked.” It had been well over ten years, but they had indeed seen each other naked as children. 

Stepping through the doorway, Felix swiftly closed the door with a laugh as he said, “That’s true.” Under his arm was a thick, old album. The pages inside had long since yellowed, but the pages themselves were neatly organised and filed away with colored tabs with years handwritten on them. As Luca buttoned his jeans, Felix pulled up two chairs in the middle of the room, sitting down softly as he held the album in his lap.

“Wow, this is so old!” Luca could not help but exclaim as he joined Felix and sat down on the open chair next to him, his eyes bright as he looked at the album cover in his hands. 

Felix smiled and opened the album slowly, moving it so it rested in his and Luca’s laps like a table, resting steadily on their knees. The pictures inside were dull and faded with age, some still encased in their white paper frames as they stuck to the pages, tucked inside the plastic pockets were delicacy and care. The album had the year scribbled onto the inner page, the first year that Felix had entered the orphanage. The numbers were written in fine cursive, no doubt Ms. Lowell’s. Such meticulous bookkeeping could only be hers, after all. 

The first photo in the photo album was the first recorded group at the orphanage. The year 199X was scribbled just underneath the photo, and there was a picture of the younger Ms. Lowell and the other staff at the time. Many of them were dressed in the same, matching blue t-shirts, their faces full of bright smiles. Only some of the faces on the page were familiar to Luca, the rest felt like a blur, a rush from the past. 

Flipping through the pages, Luca would occasionally stop and talk about the photos, often finding ones of he and Felix together, sometimes accompanied by the young Margo. Luca had always been very sociable and he found himself in many of the photos the staff had taken. Some of the photos were used in advertisements for adoption, such as the ones shared with Luca’s family. The other photos were informally taken, very casual and warm, like a home video. 

Seeing another bunch of photos, Luca asked in an excited voice, “Can I take a photo of these?” He pointed to a candid photo of he and Felix, arm in arm, running around the playground in the middle of summer. It was taken during their sports festival, the festival that had been sponsored by a local manufacturing company. It was also Felix’s first sports festival.

“Go ahead.” Felix nodded, holding up the page as Luca retrieved his phone and took a photo of it, saving it away in his photo album. 

Saving the photo, Luca put his phone in his pocket as he said, “My mom doesn’t have many pictures of me as a child, since most of them got moved or accidentally destroyed when he first moved. I’m hoping to send these to her. I’m sure she’d like to see them.” There were few photos of the children, and the photos they did have were treasured, carefully stowed away by the director herself for the children to later take copies of to remember their childhoods. 

For children like Felix, who had stayed in the orphanage until they were grown, these were irreplaceable pieces of history. They had no parents to catalogue their lives, only sparse photos taken over the years, and their documentation that had followed them like ghosts, leaving trails of rejections and attempts of building a more secure future. 

The pair spoke as they flipped through the photos, passing through a variety of pages before they came to the end of the album, stopping just as Luca’s hand hit the end of the album cover. Staring at the worn back of the cover, Luca could see some notes scribbled inside by Ms. Lowell, but unfortunately the writing was so small and written in cursive, it was too difficult for him to read it properly. 

“Thanks for sharing this, Felix. It was nice to see all these old photos again.” Luca held up his phone, now full of a variety of pictures from the past. Many of them he could only faintly remember, while others he could only recall as Felix talked about them. Felix had the better memory between the two, he always had, and was able to remember most of the photos tucked inside. 

Closing the album and holding it on his lap, Felix said, “I’m going to go back and drop this off. Are you planning to walk around some more?” 

Luca shook his head, “Actually, I’m feeling a little tired. I might lay down for a bit to be honest.” 

Standing up from his chair, Felix held the album under his arm, standing tall as he looked to Luca with a mindful gaze and said, “You do look a little pale.” He patted the album and said, “You go rest, and I’ll drop this off. You’re not familiar with the records room anyway. We weren’t allowed in there as kids, after all.”

It was true. The records room was attached to the main office and full of cabinets and cabinets of information. Many documents had been placed away in boxes and placed in storage, while some had yet to be moved, making a mess of things in the cramped room. Knowing Luca, even if he were able to navigate through the records room, he would not be able to find where to place the album. 

“I can go with you if you want.” Luca suggested, standing up from the chair.

“It’s no trouble. You lay down and I’ll take care of it.” Felix responded, stepping towards the door as he opened it and said, “Rest up.”

The door was closed behind his friend’s retreating figure, and Luca could only stare at the door and sigh, quietly shaking his head as he climbed the bunk to the side of the room and said to himself, “He’s a good friend.” 

Felix stepped down the quiet hall, smiling to himself once again with a satisfied expression.

… 

Hours had passed since they had opened the photo album. After viewing the pictures, Luca said he felt tired and opted to take a nap as Felix returned to work, sitting at his desk with his desk lamp on as he quietly reviewed documents, occasionally typing on his laptop. He had returned after Luca had already fallen asleep, breathing quietly as he was tucked into his blankets, appearing soft and warm as he slept comfortably. Knowing he was deep asleep, Felix continued to work quietly, dimming his lamp at his desk.

After some time had passed, it was already beginning to become dark. The children had already passed their shower time, and Felix and Luca had accidentally missed dinner as well. Thinking Luca must still be tired, Felix stepped away from his desk and walked out of the room, walking to the cafeteria to grab what was left of dinner before the rest was put away for the night.

It was not long before Felix returned to his room. “Luca, are you going to take a shower?” Felix asked as he walked into the room, holding a tray of food in his hands. There was no response from Luca on his bunk. The young man was circled in his blankets like a messy cocoon housing a beautiful butterfly. 

Sighing with a doting expression, Felix placed the tray of food on the table and walked to the side of the bunk and stepped onto the wooden frame, lifting his tall frame so he was face to face with the back of Luca’s head, the blanket only partially covering his full head of black hair. Seeing this, Felix slowly reached up to move the blanket down away from the other man’s face, as he did, he could feel Luca’s hot breath warm his hand.

Felix hummed to himself in thought as he moved the blanket around Luca’s chin, moving his other hand to push back the young man’s long bangs that had fallen into his eyes. Brushing his long fingers against his hair, he could feel a burning heat coming from the surface of Luca’s skin. Placing his cool palm against Luca’s head, Felix lightly shook his head, brushing back the stray hairs in his face with a gentle expression.

“You got sick from playing outside.” Felix sighed, “You have to be more careful.” Stepping down from the bed, Felix lowered himself back onto the ground and turned to his desk, propping open one of the drawers as he retrieved a bottle of fever medicine and a thermometer from his first aid kit. “I didn’t forget how sick you used to get when you would play in the snow, so I prepared these. When I heard you were coming back, I almost couldn’t wait to prepare this.” Felix laughed mockingly at himself before he continued, popping out the gel-like pill from its tray as he set the items down on the table, “I’ve missed taking care of you, Luca.”

Luca did not respond. He could only continue sleeping quietly, his forehead dotted in sweat as his cheeks flushed red with the heat of his fever. Felix retrieved the pill and placed it on the tray before he walked back to Luca’s bed and gently shook him by the shoulder, attempting to wake him up.

Feeling the hand shaking him, it took a moment for Luca to wake up. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking once, then twice, appearing sleepy as he laid back with a blurry gaze. Murmuring, Luca turned to the side to face Felix, who had a relieved look on his face. “What’s wrong, Felix?” Luca asked, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“You’ve got a fever. I brought some food for you to eat, so eat first. Once you’re finished I’ll give you some medicine.” Felix said, nudging to the tray on the table. There was a bowl of fresh vegetable soup and crackers, all light foods. “I’ll help you down so you can eat. Come on.”

Luca sighed, brushing his hand over his face as he moved to the front of the bed, towards the bed ladder. His head was still blurry, feeling tired and feverish, but he still listened to Felix, knowing he would feel even worse if he skipped dinner. Felix stood by the ladder, his hands open behind Luca as Luca stepped down the ladder, feeling like a child.

“I can get down myself, Felix.” Luca sighed, frowning.

Felix smiled in response, “If you fall, you’ll get hurt.” 

With both of his feet on the solid ground, Luca shot Felix a “See, I’m fine, aren’t I?” look, but this look went ignored as Felix gently nudged him to his desk chair, making Luca stumble slightly with his unsteady feet, feeling dizzy from his growing fever. Seeing this, he sat him down, putting his hands on his shoulders in a casual fashion as he said, “Eat up.”

Luca turned back to Felix and asked, “What about you?”

“I ate already, don’t worry.” Stepping back, Felix moved back towards the bed. Reaching up, he grabbed the edge of Luca’s bedding and began to remove it from the bed. Bringing the blankets and sheets down, Felix balled up the bedding and turned back to Luca, who had already started to eat with a tired expression. “While you’re eating, I’m going to go wash your bedding. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Luca swallowed the soup in his mouth and wanted to stop him, but Felix was quick on his feet and soon left the room, leaving Luca to sit in silence and finish his bowl of warm soup. Biting into one of the saltine crackers, he thought to himself, Whenever I used to get sick, Felix would always act like this. With his weakened immune system, most likely caused by his exposure to the cold as a young child, he would often fall sick quickly when exposed to cold weather. When it snowed, it would take extra care to dress warm, wearing more than two layers all over his body to keep out the biting chill of the air.  

It was not uncommon for Luca to fall sick quickly with a light fever or cold, especially after playing outside during recess with Felix. When Luca would fall ill, Felix would nurse Luca to health as much as he could, giving him extra food at mealtimes, making sure he took his medication, and even padding his bed with extra blankets to keep him warm as he slept at night. Like a loyal dog, Felix would not leave Luca’s side even for a moment. 

It made Luca feel weak at times, knowing he could take care of himself, even now. But he knew that Felix’s behaviour was related to his own childhood, what had happened to him before he had met Luca at the orphanage. It made Luca feel even more obligated to accept his care.

Ah, I feel so dizzy. Luca shook his head, returning from his thoughts as he scooped the last bit of soup into his mouth, swallowing down the warm liquid as his head swam, taunted by the burning fever. With the food in his stomach, he felt some strength come back to his limbs. All that was left was to take the medicine and he could lay down and rest. If I take some medicine now, the fever should break by tomorrow morning. The water bottle on the tray had already been opened, the cap resting next to the full bottle,  the pill resting on the tray between the two.

Pinching his fingers, Luca took the pill and held it up to his lips, opening his mouth slowly as he placed the medicine on the top of his tongue. Holding the pill in place, he raised the open water bottle and raised it to his lips, drinking a large mouthful of water to wash down the pill down his throat. It was not hard to swallow, but the sensation of the pill trailing down his oesophagus was uncomfortable. 

After he had swallowed the pill and set the glass down, Felix returned and walked to Luca’s side. He leaned on Luca’s left, grabbing the thermometer in his hand as he said, “Put this in your mouth for a moment, Luca.” He held up the thermometer to Luca’s mouth, pointing the tip towards his lips.

Luca waved his hand, moving the thermometer back, “I don’t need it. I already know I have a fever anyway.” His cheeks were flushed red as beads of sweat dripped down his forehead. He was in no condition to refuse, but he still stubbornly fought Felix.

Sighing, Felix tried to coax the stubborn Luca, saying in a pacifying tone, “It’ll only take a moment, Luca.” He held the thermometer back up, “Come on.”

More words were shared between the two before Luca finally relented, taking the thermometer out of Felix’s hand with a quiet sigh. He opened his mouth and placed the tip under his tongue, closing his mouth with pursed lips, appearing like a pouting child. With his current state, however, he looked like a sickly child attempting to fight their doctor. No words were shared as the thermometer read his temperature. 

There was a short, shrill beep after the reading had been taken, and Luca pulled out the thermometer. Felix looked over his shoulder and to the small screen, where the temperature was displayed. 

“39 degrees (~102 degrees fahrenheit).” Felix said aloud, as if he were speaking to himself, “It’s definitely a fever. If it gets any higher, it could be dangerous.”

It’s not that high, Luca thought to himself, setting down the thermometer on the table. 

After the tray of food had been placed aside, Felix grabbed a cooling pad from his first aid kit and handed it to Luca. “Once you put this on your forehead, you can lay down on my bed. Your bedding will be done later, so you can just sleep on my bed for tonight.” Felix said, watching Luca place the cooling pad on his forehead. 

“Where will you sleep?” Luca asked, patting the pad’s adhesive onto his forehead. 

Felix smiled, “I’ll sleep with you. It’s not like we haven’t before.” 

“It’s a twin bed, Felix. I barely fit as it is.” Luca’s brows furrowed as he frowned. “Besides that, we’re adults now. That’s weird.”

“How else will I make sure you’re still breathing through the night?” Felix shot him a look of concern, as if he were trying to give Luca advice. “It’s just for tonight, Luca. If your fever gets worse, I’ll wake you up and take you to the hospital.”

Luca chuckled, annoyed as he said, “Like you’ll be awake for that long.” 

Felix did not respond, instead, he patted Luca’s shoulder and had him get up, walking him to the bed as Luca pulled back the quilt and sat down on the bed. After he had drilled into the blankets, he laid down his head on the pillow, beads of sweat lining his brow. His eyes were misty, dizzy from the heat of the fever. Luca was in no condition to be moving around, but like he had in the past, he would push himself to do more and more until he collapsed. 

Even now, it was the same. If he was not here to care for him, would Luca have let himself become even more ill? Felix could not stand the thought.

After some time had passed, Luca had finally closed his eyes and his breath had become even. His bangs had been pushed aside off of his forehead, exposing the cooling pad still stuck to his forehead as he laid on his left side, facing towards Felix as he laid his back against the wall, cocooned within the soft fabric of the quilt. His mid-length black hair rested against the white pillow, showing how pale his face had become. Only his cheeks retained a rosy glow, carrying a misty glow that Felix could not look away from. 

Watching the young man rest peacefully in his bed, a wave of ease rushed over Felix, bringing a sense of calmness that he had not felt in almost ten years. Slowly, he walked to the side of the bed, carefully lowering himself until he was sitting on the edge of the bed, only a foot away from the sleeping Luca. 

His fingers lifted from his sides and moved towards Luca. The tip of his fingers brushed against the side of Luca’s face, starting at his temple as his fingers drifted down to Luca’s lips and chin. His lips were warm and moist, and his lips were slightly parted as he quietly slept. Felix’s thumb rested on Luca’s bottom lip, still and stiff, as if he were afraid to be caught.  

Reluctantly, he moved his hand, trailing the backs of his fingers across Luca’s flushed cheeks, wiping away beads of sweat as he moved his gaze.

Felix patted the bed, moving Luca aside with a gentle push of his hand as he laid down on the bed, grabbing the extra quilt to cover over himself. As he laid on his side, his head cushioned by the corner of the pillow, Felix looked at Luca’s sleeping face. His left hand rested on top of Luca’s blanket cocoon and he moved further onto the bed, moving Luca back against the wall, leaving a small space between the two.

“Get some rest, Luca. I’ll be here.” Felix patted the quilt cocoon, smiling gently. 

Luca did not respond, quietly panting in his sleep.

…