Chapter 10

~I Am Not Okay~

 

Cevin hissed as she climbed down from her bunk, grabbing Carl's journal. She was going to return it. That would be one less thing on her growing list to worry about. She should have never taken it in the first place.

The door creaked loudly when it opened. His cabin was empty. Every drawer and cabinet now had a secure lock, and a few other books were missing from the bookshelves, probably tucked away somewhere. 

Cevin shook her head. Looks like someone is getting paranoid. She took the book out and placed it back on one of the shelves. 

The door opened behind her and she jumped, turning to face the exit.

“I knew it,” Carl crowed triumphantly, “I knew you were the thief. I told you I’d catch you.” 

Cevin rolled her eyes, trying to get past him.

He grabbed her arm, shoving her against the wall, “Where do you think you’re going? I caught you with my book. Shouldn’t you at least apologize?”

Cevin didn't dare meet Carl's gaze, knowing it would only scare her more. “Sorry.” She mumbled, pushing to get him off her so she could leave.

“How much did you read? What do you know?” 

“Nothing!” Cevin shouted, “I know nothing! That's what you always say, right?!”

Carl jeered at her response, leaning in closer with a dangerous look in his eyes. "How much did you read?"

“I don't know!” Cevin kicked Carl's shin, hoping it would get him to let go long enough for her to run away.

Carl refused to budge, “You don’t know?” He mimicked, voice filled with mock pity, “Then I’m afraid I don’t know what might happen to your friend if you don’t start telling me the truth.” 

“Fine! I know just how pathetic you are! Is that what you wanted to hear?! That I know about your stupid feelings for that girl back home who will never like you back? Are you happy now?” Cevin snapped, tears falling against her will.

“You think I’m pathetic?” Carl laughed, releasing his grip, “Look who’s crying. You are going to wish you’d never stolen from me. There is nowhere to run on a boat, Kevin. You and your friend had better watch out.” 

“If you want to prove you’re not pathetic, leave my friend out of it! Aspen knows nothing! Don’t drag other people into this!” Cevin spat, stomping to the door.

“I do not have to prove myself to you,” Carl bared his teeth, “I don't care what you think of me. My position on this ship is secure. Nobody would miss a couple of idiot boys like you if you fell overboard. There is no sense in targeting only you, Kevin. You have no regard for your own life or health.” Carl shoved her the rest of the way out of his cabin, slamming the door shut and locking it.

Cevin gave a frustrated yell, marching back to her cabin and slamming her own door. She let out a sob when she saw Aspen wasn't there, tugging at her bandages until they were off and throwing them at one of the walls. It wasn't fair. She should never have brought Aspen on the boat with her.

A strong scent of gravy drifted into the room several hours later, rousing Cevin from her sleep.

Cevin glared at the door, knowing Carl was out there somewhere. She wished she could skip lunch since she wasn't at all hungry, but the threat on her friend was enough to get her out of bed and doing up her binding. She left the room, rubbing at her dried tears and lowering her cap.

Aspen was already eating at their usual table.

Cevin grabbed a plate, not paying any attention to what she was putting on it. She sat down across from her friend, still fairly tense.

“Hey.” Aspen greeted dully.

“Hey.” Cevin managed, taking a small bite from her plate while keeping an eye out for Mr. Clipboard.

Aspen sighed, resting her head in her hand and closing her eyes.

“Are you okay, Aspen? Did something happen in the medical bay? Do I need to kill someone? Because I wouldn't mind at all.” Cevin asked, feeling protective. If Carl had done something already, she wasn't going to let him get away with it.

“Nothing happened.” 

“Then what's wrong?” Cevin turned her full attention to her friend, hoping she'd open up a bit.

“Nothing.”

“Aspen, please. I know you're not alright. Just tell me.” Cevin begged tiredly.

“I’m fine.” Aspen turned her head away, adding hollowly, “You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I know you're not fine. Talk to me! We used to tell each other almost everything and now it's like we’re becoming strangers with how little we talk.” Cevin reached for her friend’s hand.

“You think I haven’t noticed?” Aspen huffed, recoiling from the touch. She quickly lowered her volume, tugging her cap down to cover her face, “I worry about you, too, you know,” She whispered, trembling.

“I just... want things to be normal again.” Cevin moved her hand back. “It’s nothing I can’t handle, Aspen. Please.”

“You don’t have to handle everything!” Aspen let out a half-sob, clamping her hand over her mouth.

Cevin reached out again but thought better of it. “Asp-”

“No.” She muttered coldly, standing up. I’m sorry. So sorry. Aspen kept her gaze on the floor, determined not to let Cevin see the tears on her face. “I don’t want to talk to you.” 

Cevin watched helplessly as her friend left, clutching her fork and holding back tears for what felt like the millionth time that day.

 

---

 

Aspen found herself outside the Captain’s quarters, dizzy from crying so hard.

“Aspen?” Max opened his door, surprised to see her standing there. He opened it wider, wordlessly inviting her in.

Aspen stumbled past him, kneeling on the rug and trying to slow her breathing, “I did… I did something... really bad…”

“Calm down. Russ is steering the ship, so he shouldn’t be back for several hours. It's safe for you to remove your bandages. We can talk when you're breathing has steadied more.” Max advised.

“What?” The shock made her freeze for a moment, temporarily bringing an end to the crying.

“I know that Cevin and you are both women. It wasn't difficult to fit all the pieces together. I don't know how hardly anyone else has caught on yet.” Max explained, helping Aspen over to his bed so she would be more comfortable.

“You… know?” Aspen repeated, having to go over it in her mind a few times before it really clicked. More tears slid down her reddened cheeks as she stared at him with wide eyes.

“Bandages first, then I'll answer any questions you have.”

“But you-”

Max raised his eyebrow.

Aspen hesitated, “You need to, um, turn around.”

“Right…” Max did so, lifting his cap and running his hand through his hair with slight embarrassment.

Once she was done, Aspen nervously tapped his shoulder, taking a shuddering breath.

Max laid his cap on the table, turning back to Aspen. “What happened?”

Aspen bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed, fresh tears pricking her eyes as she remembered why she was there, “There was… Mr. Tailor said- And you... I didn’t want to tell Cevin. S- he- she’s my friend, but...” Aspen screwed her eyes shut, “Why did I do that?” 

“Everyone says or does stupid things when they're hurt. It's a human thing to do. If the two of you are as good friends as I believe you are then you'll both pull through this. Whatever is going on, it sounds like talking could really help.” Max offered, unsure if he was reading the situation right.

“I know,” Aspen returned miserably, “But I can’t. Does she even want to be my friend anymore? I was so mean!” She started sobbing again, “I’m always causing trouble for people and she just takes everything on by herself like it’s her fault. She doesn’t have to fix everything! I don’t want something to happen to her because I messed up. I tried…” She swallowed, “I tried to seem happier so she doesn’t worry about me so much, but… I couldn’t keep up.”

“You're right, she doesn't have to fix everything. But bottling up your emotions like that doesn't work. You still have many more chances to prove to her that you can handle yourself. I'm certain that Cevin still wants to be your friend if she worries about you that much.” Max sat down on the bed, laying back with his arms folded behind his neck. “You two just need to have a deep and honest talk with one another and if she still wants to be your friend, you'll know. A friend will do anything not to lose you, even if that means being vulnerable.”

“I don’t know how to talk to her anymore,” Aspen hiccuped, “She’s been so sad and I know I only made it worse.”

“Just be honest. Maybe mention some of the things we've been talking about. It sounds like she also needs someone to talk to. You can make things better by talking to her. I'm sure of it." Max assured. "You don't have to talk right away, though. Stay here as long as you need and collect your thoughts first."

 

---

 

The cabin door opened.

“Aspen?” Cevin looked down from her bunk, wiping at her eyes. 

Aspen stopped in the doorway, pondering how to continue. She climbed up the ladder to Cevin’s bed, laying down beside her and resting her head against Cevin’s shoulder, “I’m not okay. Sorry.” 

“You're not the only one who's sorry.” Cevin laughed through a sob, leaning her head against Aspen's. “I'm not okay, either.”

“Great, so we’re both messed up,” Aspen gave a watery laugh, relaxing her tense muscles.

“Life just overall sucks right now and Russ is great, but he has almost no clue how to comfort someone properly.” Cevin smirked, wiping at her eyes. “I’ve been missing my best friend over the last few days…”

Aspen fell quiet for a moment, “I’m really sorry, Cevin. I just… You don’t have to take everything on by yourself, especially when it’s something I should be taking care of. I’m here, too. I know I’m not strong in any sense of the word, but I’m trying. I’m trying really hard.”

“I know you're here. I was just being stupid. I haven't been taking on everything because I think you're weak. I've just… I don't know. I guess I feel guilty. You wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for me.” 

“I’m not here because you made me. Ever since Hazel married Clarissa I’ve been wishing I could go somewhere else. I’m here because I want to be. You’re a bonus.” Aspen paused, taking a deep breath, “I’m glad you don’t hate me. I couldn’t… I couldn’t keep it together anymore. I knew stuff had been wrong for a while but you wouldn’t tell me anything and I really don’t like it when you shoulder it all by yourself and you always seem so confident but it was killing me and I just- I wanted to tell you it’d be okay, but that’s not what came out of my mouth.”

“I could never hate you, Aspen! And I really should've just talked to you. I can't help taking on other people's problems from time to time. I promise I'll try harder not to do that... But if you really want to help, do you think you could maybe pretend to hate me for a while on deck? Something may have happened earlier…” Cevin winced.

“What? What happened?” Aspen stiffened.

“Carl caught me returning his journal.” 

“Cevin!” Aspen lightly punched her arm, “We were supposed to do that together. Why does that mean I have to pretend to hate you?”

“Since he knows I care about your health and safety above my own, he kind of... threatened that he'd hurt you." Cevin informed, hanging her head, "I'm so stupid, and now you're in trouble because of me.”

Aspen’s shoulders tensed, “You’re not stupid. He was already after the two of us, anyway. I’m sure we’ll be fine. He can’t actually hurt us or he’d get in trouble.” 

Cevin thought back to when Carl had her against the wall. “I'm not too sure anymore.”

Aspen went quiet again. When she finally spoke her voice was icy cold, “He didn’t do something to you, did he?”

Cevin looked down at her hands.

“Cevin?” Aspen coaxed in a slightly softer tone.

“No. He just wouldn't let me leave until I told him what he wanted to know.”

“He dies after breakfast.” Aspen decided, sounding deadly serious but also a little hungry at the prospect of food. She hugged Cevin protectively, “I’m not leaving you alone again. Ever.”

Cevin couldn't bring herself to answer.

“I guess I won’t be heading out at night for a while, if he might be planning something.” Aspen realized.

“Heading out?” Cevin asked, her voice hoarse.

“I, uh, might’ve been doing that for a while…” Aspen fumbled, “I wanted to get stronger. I’m sorry.”

“We really should have started talking to each other. I'm sorry, too. After that night in the kitchen I  freaked out. You fell asleep with your bandages on and I felt bad for dragging you into this, and it spooked me.” Cevin admitted. "I guess that's when we started to drift apart."

Aspen blinked, “So then… This whole thing is my fault.” 

“Let's just agree it's no one’s fault, okay?” Cevin patted Aspen's back. 

“Okay.” Aspen closed her eyes, too tired to argue.

“I hope Carl doesn't drown us again in the morning.” Cevin joked bitterly, yawning and letting herself drift off.