“I’m telling you, Conor is gay,” I repeated as my first words appeared to be drowned out by other kids jumping into the pool. Leo, Milo, and Will laughed as if I had just made a joke.

“For real, he just came onto me when we walked here,” I lied, looking at Conor belligerently. “Tell them, homo.”

Now he sees what he gets for treating me like I am a dumb heartless, not-caring idiot. I walked up to him, as he was just standing next to the pool like this wasn’t his fault. You also told everyone I had a crush on Sarah, destroying every chance I had with her. It’s only fair.

“Why are you afraid now? We are your friends, after all. You can be honest with us,” I said pretentiously, as if he wasn’t good enough for us. As if I had been generous enough to endure his presence for all those years.

“I didn’t come onto you, Ash.”

“So you already forgot how you put your hands on my shoulder, stroking it…?”

In order to help the guys imagine what I wanted them to believe had happened, I grabbed my shoulder and massaged it.

“…and then walking your way down to my butt?”

“Tell them you’re lying,” yelled Conor, confusedly peering at me. I saw in his watery eyes that he didn’t understand why I told them all this bullshit. I didn’t understand it myself. I just did it because it felt like a relief at that moment. At the end of the day, I have to destroy him. Better than him tearing me down.

“But you are gay, aren’t you?”

“It wasn’t your job to tell them.”

“Then maybe you should have kept your hands and mouth to yourself.” I threw air kisses at Conor, making smacking sounds to mock him. Does this hurt you?

“Stop it!” Conor ran toward me, pressing his head into my chest. Yes. I finally got through to you. I was so proud that I made him feel as angry as I did. But you are no match for me. He was almost half a head shorter, making it easy for me to defend him. I simply grabbed his shoulders and pushed him. It didn’t even take me a lot of strength. He tumbled backward, trying to regain his balance, but it was too late. Pulled down by the weight of his bag, he fell right into the pool with his clothes, smartphone, and everything.

I turned to the others, smiling heroically. I glanced at their shocked faces, and it took me some time to realize they weren’t on my side. Instead of joining me in my victory, they rushed to help Conor.

The lifeguard’s whistle pierced through the burning air as if it would cut a picture into two halves. Leaving me alone on one side and my so-called friends on the other side.

I clenched my jaw as Milo pulled Conor out of the basin. Leo and Will hopped in and searched for his stuff. And a lot of people were looking at us. Assholes. Why do they help him? He is the one who scrambles off to the west coast as if our friendship means nothing to him.

Everything after that happened fast. The lifeguard walked me out as he saw how I had provoked the situation. He made me give him my parents’ number, called them, and made my mom pick me up. As we sat in the car, she tried to get me to tell her what had happened. But I kept my mouth shut, hissing at everything she said. I was placed under house arrest for two weeks. As if that mattered. It was inevitable that Conor would have to move away, leaving me alone in this stupid fucking town.

I ignored him for the last few days of school. The others tried to talk me into apologizing to him, but I was stubborn enough not to give in. I mean, it was Conor who destroyed everything.

He left in the third week of summer break. I don’t remember what I did in the following months. Probably just lying in the backyard, staring at the sky and trees and bitching about everyone and everything. I don’t even remember if I saw my other friends at all. I mean, they stayed in town, but we already knew we were transferring to different high schools. So why bother meeting them? Ultimately, Milo, Will, and Leo would also leave me to go with Tristan to Middletown, while I had to join stupid St. Frances just because it had the most successful football team in the entire state.

So with the prospect of having to start from scratch, I just hid behind my anger, lying in the backyard or locking myself inside my room, not doing anything. Well, to be honest, I did one thing. To make me feel more depressed, I regularly looked at old pictures of us on my phone. Most of them were of our whole group, but there was one picture in particular that I couldn’t stop looking at.

I took it in January three years ago. Conor was at our house, and we played a round of ‘dare or dare.’ It was snowing and just as cold as it was outside today. In our living room, the temperature reached almost 80 degrees, and we barely wore anything. It was my turn to pick a victim. So I dared Conor to go outside to the mailbox in just his pants and the yellow tank top he wore. Not doing it would have forced weeks of mockery upon him, so he sprinted outside and back without hesitation. Of course, I was an asshole and closed the glass door on our porch, so he couldn’t get back in. But he? Just kept his cool. He pulled out his smartphone and took pictures of us for some reason. To return the favor, I also grabbed my phone and took a picture of him as he stood there, underdressed but following through with his dare.

His smile in the picture I took was so full of love.

Instead of being mad at being locked out, he appeared to be almost amused, as if he had anticipated my behavior from the beginning and would have been surprised if I hadn’t done it.

That picture drove me insane. How could he dare to smile at me like that? It took almost two months before that wore off, turning into the most unbearable sadness I had ever endured. I eventually realized that it was only me who drove that smile out of my life. I broke up our group, torpedoed our bond, and killed my youth. I have been unworthy of his friendship. He was the one who had to endure my stupid asshole behavior all the time. Not the other way around.

But as it was too uncomfortable to hate myself, I started projecting my hate onto everything else.

That’s what they always saw in me, anyway. So I might as well give it to them. Be the guy who is always angry and wrecks everything and everyone.

—

The chill of the blizzard crept its way under my pants and sweater. I narrowed my eyes as the freezing wind kept blowing snow in my face. I must go back inside if I don’t want to freeze to death. I faced the brightly lit glass front that marked the border of a warm and safe space. Even though it was only fifteen feet away, it seemed like it would take me forever to get back there. I searched for a focal point and froze when I spotted Conor. All our belongings lay on the floor next to the entrance. He threw his green winter jacket on and grabbed mine before pushing the door open. As the blizzard hit him, he squinted his eyes. Don’t come out here. The storm howled louder by the second, only drowned out by his feet crunching in the snow as he made his way toward me.

“It’s not safe,” I yelled at him, trying to take several steps in his direction, but the cold wind kept me from moving. I shouldn’t let him go this far. But I had no chance of stopping him. As he reached me, he opened my jacket and slung it around my shoulders. That stupid caring son of a human being…

“What the fuck are you doing, Ash?” he screamed.

I slipped my arms inside my jacket, and Conor pulled up the zipper. I don’t deserve his kindness.

“You must turn back, Conor, or you will get hurt.”

“I won’t leave you alone out here.”

“Stop being reckless.”

“You’re one to talk,” he snorted and shoved his face dangerously close to mine. Our breaths crystallized between us. For a second, I met his eyes, and… they weren’t angry but full of worry.

“I’m sick of you reacting to things you can’t handle by simply pushing everyone out of your way and running. You tell me what your fucking problem is. Right now.”

My head felt heavy. I couldn’t bring myself to look Conor directly in the eyes any longer, so I focused on his feet. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that he wore brown boots with white laces—another bullet point on the list of things I don’t notice.

“I’m sorry I suck at being a friend.”

“And you think running away will change anything? Do you think that almost killing yourself makes your mistakes undone? Guess what? It won’t. Get out of your head and be the fuck with me. Here, now. Because this is all we have.”

“It was never a problem for me that you were gay, Conor. My problem was that you would leave me and didn’t even have the guts to tell me.” I searched for his face. His slender nose was red and full of snow. “We didn’t even have a month left. Why was I the last one you told?”

“Do you think that was easy for me? You were my best friend. I didn’t tell you because I knew it would destroy you. I fucking loved you! I didn’t want to leave you just because my parents found jobs that would pay them a couple of dollars more per year.”

Despite standing so close together, snow blew in my face. I had to close my eyes to stifle a tear. I can’t cry. I don’t even know how to do that.

Without warning me, Conor wrapped his arms around me. Our jackets squeaked as the fabrics rubbed against each other. He pulled me as close to him as he could, and his mouth was now close to my left ear. “I still love you. And… I forgive you, but only if you finally challenge whatever you have strapped to your heart.”

His words weighed heavily on me. How could he forgive me when I couldn’t forgive myself? Breathing got more challenging by the second. I felt a tear crawling its way up my head to my eye and down my cheek. Before it reached my mouth, it froze.

I am so fucked up.

I blinked and was drawn to his green eyes. I was ready to lose myself in the universe they harbored. Conor put his bare hands on my cheeks, keeping them warm, and gravity pulled me closer to him. Everything vanished into nothingness when his lips gently touched mine. There was no storm, no darkness, no cold—only us. His lips felt soft. Our breaths synchronized. I could feel his heartbeat as if it was the base of a song I desperately wanted to listen to but couldn’t remember what it was named or how its melody sounded until now.

I missed you so much.