“What’s that idiot doing? He’ll really be disqualified this time if he doesn’t show up, dattebayo!”

Just then, in a whirlwind of leaves, Sasuke appears on the arena floor. Naruto blushes scarlet as he watches in awe of the Uchiha scion’s cool entrance.

Gawd, get a room already!

I’m back in the viewing booth with my women, jacket on, gourd shouldered. I feel a ton of glares leveled my way. I didn’t remove my glasses, but most ninjas in the audience know what I did isn’t possible without two powerful Dojutsu.

Sheesh. It’s not like having a Sharingan is illegal! That goes double for the Byakugan, Hiashi! Okay, there are going to be some awkward questions about how I got them but, no matter how this day turns out, I won’t be at the top of the shit-list!

At least Choko is sure to be sweating. Revealing I possess two powerful kekkei genkai can’t be beneficial to her plans.

“Hey! You’re real late, Sasuke-kun! I was wondering if you got cold feet!”

“Naruto, you idiot, it’s not like this is a d-date, or anything…” Fuck! These two!!! “Anyway, if you’re running that big, soft mouth of yours, I’m assuming you won your match.”

“Of course!”

“Ahem,” Kakashi says, “Don’t tell me Sasuke-kun lost by forfeit?”

“Don’t worry,” the proctor says. “Sasuke-kun’s match was postponed.”

Sasuke’s gaze drifts to Gaara, and the two of them glare at each other as the sand ninja enters the arena.

“Hmph,” Naruto grumbles. “Don’t you dare lose to a guy like him! I’m the only one allowed to beat your supple, squeezable ass!”

Someone in the audience coughs.

“Aaand let’s start Match Four. Uchiha Sasuke and Gaara! Begin!”

Gaara doubles over clutching his head. “Please don’t be angry, mother. I gave you bad-tasting blood before… I’m sorry, this time I’m sure it’ll be tasty!”

“What. The. Fuck.” Sasuke blinks at the freakish display.

Gaara twitches, settles, and says, “Come.”

“No thanks, let’s just fight.”

“Eh?”

Sasuke throws a fistful of shuriken which are blocked by a Gaara sand clone that erupts in an attempt to engulf the Uchiha scion. Leaping over the sand spray, Sasuke closes to melee with the clone. A rapid series of punches and kicks tear the Gaara copy apart. Unfortunately, Gaara still has his automatic defense. A sand spear shoots up to intercept Sasuke’s strike at the Suna shinobi’s face.

While I used my Sharingan to learn the Gentle Fist style, Sasuke wasn’t idle. He dashes around to Gaara’s rear in a blink by channeling Rock Lee’s taijutsu style. Then he decks Gaara hard on the cheek. A chunk of sand armor crumbles away.

Sasuke goes in again for another series of exchanges, blurring with speed as he picks apart the sand armor piece by piece while Gaara counterattacks with waves of sand. His aggressive speed costs him, though, and he’s gasping for breath in minutes.

Gaara retakes control of the battle by encasing himself in a sand sphere. This time, when Sasuke goes in for a punch, the Uchiha scion narrowly avoids being skewered on sand spikes and bloodies his knuckles on the shield. It doesn’t look good.

Except, while Gaara weaves complex hand seals inside his sand castle, Sasuke shows off his new nature transformation. Lightning chakra covers Sasuke’s hand as he charges forward.

“Chidori: 1,000 Birds!”

Sasuke stabs his arm into Gaara’s sand shell.

“Excuse me,” I say as I leave the viewing booth.

“Eh? What could possibly be so important you’re leaving now, of all times, dattebayo!?!”

“Bathroom?” I say.

“Oh, yeah I get that.”

“I need to use the restroom as well,” Ino says.

“Same,” Tenten adds.

Naruto looks at the three of us trying to low-key dip in the middle of a match, and says, “What did you all have for breakfast???”

“…I’ll tell you later.” This is our last chance to get into position and do some last-minute ‘shuffling,’ one might say.

“BLOOD…I’M BLEEDING!” Gaara’s voice comes from inside the sand sphere.

Sasuke cringes in pain as something grabs his arm. Arcs of lightning shoot from around his buried hand, and he pulls himself free, droplets of blood clinging to his fingers. A monstrous sand claw clings to him until he twists away. Kneeling, Sasuke clutches his arm where one of the claws punctured skin.

The arm withdraws into the sand sphere, leaving a gaping dark hole. Sasuke stares into the hole, mouth ajar. His eye twitches.

“Butthole?”

The sand crumbles away to reveal Gaara clutching his bleeding shoulder where the Chidori’s tip struck.

Then feathers fall from the sky. The audience falls asleep.

Konoha Crush Start!

““Kai! Genjutsu Dissipation!”” I and my girls say while forming the appropriate hand sign. I briefed them on this moment, giving everyone the opportunity to use the standardized anit-genjutsu technique. By disrupting our internal chakra flows, we break the caster’s control.

The private Kage box erupts with smoke. All sides are in constant motion. Sound and Sand ninja infiltrators are everywhere. We hear massive explosions in the distance as a giant snake monster attacks Konoha’s walls. Masked Anbu black ops spring into action.

The ‘Kazekage’s’ ‘guards’ leap from the smoke to intercept the Anbu but are sliced in half. As the Anbu land, the ‘Kazekage’ jumps onto the roof, holding the Hokage at knifepoint. Then the four halves of the ‘guards’ drop their disguises and leapfrog the Anbu to the roof.

Here, in this moment, my trajectory is already set. This small window of opportunity is my only chance, and I seize it, using my foreknowledge to the fullest. I smile as I see the butterfly effect hasn’t screwed me yet!

I use the Byakugan to identify my target, the Sharingan to plot my interception, then tackle Tayuya out of the air.

The other three of the Sound Four land on the roof, followed an instant later by the Anbu. Unable to form the Four Violet Flames Formation, the Sound ninja have no choice but to occupy the black ops to prevent them from defending the Hokage. Then Orochimaru unmasks himself, to everyone’s shock.

Meanwhile, Gaara clutches his head in pain, and the sand siblings lead him away. Sasuke chases after them.

All that happens in the background as Tayuya and I land on an unoccupied stretch of roof.