Chapter 6: The Test

 

Initially, Matt had expected the hardest thing that day was going to be convincing Mads to go to their class without looking like a French soldier, no matter how funny it was to see the long-dead emperor do silly little dances. It ended up barely being a footnote in the whirlwind of chaotic anxiety of the day. Matthew had always been anxious at school, of course, like a cat in a clock factory. 

Most children, at some point, are bullied. Other students, teachers, family: children are often considered fair game for denigrating speech and behavior, and the response to this, and the response to that response, is often formative. A lot of children have to learn how to manage and navigate these power dynamics early in life, often without help. 

Matt didn’t really care about that, though. He had bullies, and he didn’t want to get bullied. Will had been a big help with that, but Will wasn’t with him right now. Will, at that moment, looked exactly like him and was shifting power dynamics aggressively in Matt’s favor for future encounters. Wendy was, presumably, acing Will’s test. And Matt was trying not to lose himself in the anxiety. 

The second thing he thought was going to be the most difficult thing was the Spanish test, but he quickly realized that no, that was wrong, you fool, you utter buffoon, you’re going to have to be a girl all day. He had no idea how to be a girl. Not that he knew what “being a boy” meant any better, of course, because the last thing he wanted was to be like his father. 

But being a girl meant walking a certain way, carrying yourself a certain way, being a certain way and he didn’t know if being that was something he even knew how to do. He didn’t know a lot of things. At least he knew Spanish. The test had come and gone and he was pretty sure he’d done well. Well enough to please Wendy, he was sure, and that was what mattered.

And now he had to be Wendy for the rest of the day, because Will’s literature test was in the afternoon and they weren’t going to really have an opportunity to hang out together without it being suspicious. 

Wendy, for her part, had dressed to be as innocuous and forgettable as possible, and she’d done so more smartly than Matt would have ever been able to. His instinct would have been to just throw on some drab hoodie, but he quickly realized that something like that was more likely to draw attention than anything. Standards are high for girls, after all, and if Wendy had dressed like that, being disheveled would have drawn more attention than anything. This wasn’t college.

So Matt tried not to be too aware of the fact that his tank top exposed his belly button, something he wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing. Or the fact that the jeans he was wearing were covered in little sequins. Even the white belt was covered in fake jewelry. Wendy had at least done him the courtesy of putting her hair up in a ponytail, so he wouldn’t have to think about how to deal with it. 

That wasn’t to say he didn’t keep touching it. He’d never had long hair before, so during the test he kept finding himself playing with it between his fingers whenever he had to think about a question for a minute. The biggest challenge, however, more than anything, was other people. Wendy had considered that too of course, which was why she had supplied Matt with the strongest secret weapon in her arsenal. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Franklin Watts said as he walked next to him. They were on break and he tried to stay close to him without being too obvious about it. He didn’t want to be responsible for Wendy getting in trouble or having rumors spread about her and Franklin, or at least move the needle. Neither Franklin nor Wendy, despite being some of the more popular kids in the school, had ever really dated anyone, and you could only point and giggle at two people who enjoyed hanging out together until it grew stale. But Matt wasn’t Wendy, and he constantly felt and resisted the urge to cling to Franklin’s arm for safety. 

“You say that,” Matt said, the feminine voice taking him by surprise like it had every time before, “but I’m this close to messing up and Wendy flaying me alive.”

“I think you’re either underestimating yourself, or overestimating how prone to violence Wendy is,” Franklin chuckled. “Do try to stand up straighter, though. Wendy doesn’t slouch like th— not that much, you’re sticking your chest out.”

“This is hard,” Matt squeaked. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Franklin!”

“Just be yourself,” Franklin said. “Stop overthinking it. You and Wendy aren’t that different. She was actually very unpopular in her first year. Girls treat each other different, of course, but like… I don’t know, I think you two have a lot in common.”

Matt tried to look up at Franklin but some of the hair in his ponytail had gotten loose. He tucked it behind his ear as he looked up at the taller boy. “You really think so?” he asked softly. For some reason, Franklin blushed so hard it was practically audible. 

“Uh,” he said. “Yeah,” he said. “Do you, uh, like, like her?” That came out of nowhere and hit Matt in the chest like a sledgehammer.

“Wh– why do you ask?” he hissed. “Do you?”

“I mean, not in that way,” Franklin said. “She’s my best friend. It’s just that… I’ve seen the way you look at her.” it was Matt’s turn to blush, but it looked like Franklin wasn’t done yet. “It’s just… like, she’s very… I don’t know if you…”

“I’m not getting any funny ideas about her being in my league if that’s what you’re worried about,” Matt mumbled. He hadn’t expected to be called out like that. “But it’s not like I’m pining over her painfully. It’s just that… girls, you know?”

“Yeah,” Franklin said. “I do.” 

Matt looked up at him, and bit his lip. With the conversation from the morning before, he felt like he could trust the other boy. “You know,” he said, “I always thought I wasn’t… like Will, because I like girls, but…”

“But?” Franklin asked. His face was a stone mask, presumably to match the stone abs Matt wasn’t thinking about. He’d seen Franklin run track. 

“I mean like, girls, right?”

“Right.”

“But also sometimes…”

“Boys?”

“Yeah.” Matt said. He played with the tip of the ponytail and avoided looking at Franklin. It was a confession that had come from deep, and once he was committed to it, it had been impossible to turn back. But now that it was out there, he couldn’t help but feel like maybe he shouldn’t have just dropped that bit of information. Franklin put a hand on his shoulder and it felt like a cold fish was slipped into the back of Matt’s crop top. 

“Boys,” Franklin said with the slightest smirk on his face. Matt gave a very slight nod that could have meant a million different things but in that moment was most easily interpreted as “ee.” It was a relief, of course, but now he was even more aware of the way Franklin looked at him. “How are you holding up? As a girl, I mean?”

“Uh,” Matt said, glad for the change of topic, “pretty okay, I think? I don’t know, it took me a bit but I’m getting comfortable with it, you know? I don’t know, it’s easier, in a couple of ways.” He touched the back of his hand, and then his own neck. “Skin is softer,” he said quietly. 

“It doesn’t bother you? Your body being so… different?” He looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I wouldn’t be comfortable. Parts missing. Some stuff… too much.” Matt knew what he was steering at, but he just shrugged.

“Nothing I can’t get used to, I guess. It’s all just parts, right? Like… your body is like a way for your brain to move around.” He looked at Franklin, Greek deity and star player of the school, and tried not to turn a look into a stare. “Well… for some, anyway.”

Franklin shivered. “Yeah, no, not me,” he said. “But good on you if being a girl suits you.”

“I…” Matt said, and blinked a few times. “Did you say being a girl suits me?!”

“I said if,” Franklin said. “Are you okay? You’re looking a bit red in the face.” Matt tried not to think too hard about what Franklin had said. What had he meant? 

“Yeah,” Matt mumbled, “sure. Just… not used to uh…”

“Not used to being called a girl when you look like one? I mean, after today, you won’t have to be.” Franklin studied his face. “Unless you want to be, that is.”

“Gnrk,” Matt said. Thinking about not being himself was something of a hobby, for various obvious reasons. If he could be someone else, it meant not having to deal with his family, it would mean not (necessarily) getting into fights, and it would maybe mean not groaning when he looked in the mirror. But nobody had ever just asked him before. But then again, just turning into a girl had never really been an option before, had it? “I don’t know,” Matt finally mumbled. “But I do know I can’t stay Wendy forever. We can’t have two of her running around, can we?”

“Well,” Franklin said with a smile so warm it could melt a steel bar or, more immediately, Matt. “After we get today done, you can flip the coin as many times as you want.”

“That doesn’t bother you?” Matt said. “I mean, everyone is just supposed to be themselves, right? Trying to be someone else–”

“– is none of my business,” Franklin finished. “As long as you’re you and you’re comfortable and you’re happy, it’s not like it’s up to me to tell you what to do, is it?” Matt, again, tried not to think of what it would be like if Franklin told him what to do, and then tried not to think about what it meant if he got to be a girl, and then fell into a mindhole of not thinking of being a girl at all and just having normal thoughts and finally she – HE – managed to make it through the rest of the day with minimal psychic damage. With Franklin’s help. 

“Thank you,” Matt said as they stepped through the gap onto the construction site. The others were already waiting for them. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Franklin said. “I’m happy to help a friend.” Trying not to overthink that one way or another, Matt waved at everyone else. Mads had already gotten their hands on the coin and was now rapidly flipping through random people, giggling like a goblin. 

“Took you long enough,” Matt’s face said. Will was wearing it with more confidence than Matt ever had, but that didn’t make it any more comfortable to look at. “How did it go?”

“Pretty well,” Matt said. “I didn’t exactly ace it, but an A minus should be possible. Is that okay?”

“More than okay,” Wendy said, smiling Will’s lopsided smile. Matt had assumed it was an affectation of his, but it might have just been his face if. “Meanwhile, I saved Will’s skin, and he sort of saved yours.” She flipped the coin. “Tails.” A second later, two Wendys. 

Matt frowned. “What does that mean?” 

“Well,” Will said, taking the coin and flipping it himself, “during recess, ‘you’ were being harassed by our old pal Lee, so ‘Matt’ kicked him right in the crown jewels.” He looked inordinately proud of himself. Matt pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m already in trouble, Will, I can’t use this.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine. And hey, this way he might actually leave you alone next week.”

“I hope so,” Matt said as Will handed him the coin. He looked at it for a second, until he felt Franklin’s hand on his shoulder. 

“You’ll be okay,” the large boy said. Matt nodded and flipped the coin. 

“Tails,” he replied, and he was back to his old, disappointing self. 

“You two, uh, you alright?” Will asked with a shit-eating grin. “Feels like you had a moment there.” 

“Shut your hole,” Matt grumbled, trying not to look at Franklin. “Don’t think nobody noticed you blush whenever Jacket compliments you.”

“What?!” Jacket and Will said at the same time, much to Matt’s delight. At least he wasn’t the only one being put on the spot. 

“I’m not, no, shut up,” Will said, grabbed his bag, and stormed off. Jacket looked forlornly after him, and then glowered at Matt.

“Not cool, man,” she said as she ran after him.

“They’ll be fine,” Wendy said as she put on her own book bag. “Just… maybe a little more tact.”

“I know a lot of people who use subtlety,” Mads said, looking like a weird little man with big glasses, “and they’re all cowards.”