CHAPTER 11 – SOLDIERS OF PRETENSE

Barney entered the command hall dancing and singing, with a reminder of the eternal, unforgettable night with the indefatigable and one-of-a-kind, Elena. Barney continued to sing, hum, and do a belly dance. 

“Belly dancers, belly dancers, if you want to win - bring belly dancers...” Barney did not understand and could not imagine why people glanced at him with strange smiles, patted him on the back with exaggerated and even disturbing warmth. Prof. Cheers rushed to get close to him and politely shook his hand. Barney, who was revolted by her, removed his hand.

“Hi Barney, how are you? How was your vacation? Monro wants you to meet him at the office here. It’s on the first floor above us, on the right, with the blue door…goodbye.”

Barney tried again to interpret her vile and dishonest smile, but she quickly disappeared. Barney went up another floor, greeted Monro’s bodyguards and entered once Monro approved it.

“Sit down Barney, how are you?”

“I’m well, Mr. President. How are you, Sir?”

“Thank you, I’m fine. How do you say it in your jargon? Everything is under control but sometimes falls apart.”

They laughed even though Barney did not get the meaning of the expression. They warmly shook hands and to Barney’s surprise, Monro patted him on his shoulder with exaggerated warmth. Barney became suspicious but calmed down and was relieved to hear Monro’s next question. Barney was his regular and familiar self, but to his regret, also the naïve and dull one.

“Did you watch TV last night? Did you hear how President Aswad decided to raise the morale of his soldiers?”

Barney laughed, “I sure did. That moron sent them Arabic food, an orchestra, and a famous singer, which is normal. Sending them belly dancers, however, to assist them to win the war? Do you know what I think? That Aswad's mother was a belly dancer."

They laughed loudly and Barney felt relieved and happy. He continued:

 “Laughter, laughing, funny…maybe Aswad is dumb in general, but this time his idea is right and important,” he laughed “of course without considering the dancers.”

Barney stared at Monro with a slightly fearful look, was taken aback by the frozen eyes of a poisonous black Mamba snake.

“I also want to raise the morale of the Democratic army at the front but unlike Aswad, I am not looking for gimmicks, or like you say in your lingo, “sequins.” I want to provide my great soldiers whom I love more than my own family with something special. 'The simplest, the best,' and, by the way, I am planning to donate MP4 devices, mobile phones, PS4 with games, DVD devices with movies, portable computers, plasma TV's and the greatest lcds to my soldiers at the front. But for the morale of our soldiers, I need something that will get to their hearts, to their souls.” He suddenly chortled, “What did Aswad think, that I would send Gargoma to my soldiers?” He sighed “and Lady Gaga. And Bob Dylan?” He sighed again. “Does he expect me to bring American Idol 22 to my soldiers or maybe, Bachelorette 19? I don’t want my soldiers to desire to fight only after the competitions are over.”

“I don’t understand, Mr. Monro? Whom did you decide to bring to your soldiers at the front? Paris Hilton? Victoria’s Secret models?”

Monro was furious.

“No, you don’t think like I do. Think philosophical. I need something that the entire world will talk about and that will make Aswad feel small and miserable beside me. I want him to ask himself, while bitterly crying in from of the entire world, how did the genius Monro think of that? How did the Democratic army win thanks to that special man? I’m sending a comedian to the front; I’m sending you, Barney. You are my Joker.”

 Throughout his being Barney felt that this was the greatest joke of all, the never-ending punch line, the unbelievable madness of a completely insane brain. His delusional consciousness made him laugh a wild laugh that was an odd combination of Jack Nicholson, Peter Sellers, Eddie Murphy, and Jim Carrey. 

“You must be kidding me, Mr. Monro. This is a joke, right? Stop laughing at me. You are a better joker than I am. Stop it, I will help you choose someone suitable, stop scaring me. I have a wife, two kids; my front is Demos, the Democratic capital, and the hardest battle is at home .I need to fight against my wife every day and every night, which is the worst front. She gives me a hard time every day. I don’t accept the assignment.”

Barney became pale when he began to imagine the sounds of bullets whizzing by, terrified voices, exploding grenades, artillery and tank fire, helicopters, fighter jets; thoughts of mourning and bereavement pounded in his head like fireworks.

“Barney decided to commit suicide; he would get on top of his desk and jump to the floor, to his death, eagerly and willingly. Barney seriously contemplated refusing. That is, it, Barney will refuse.

Suddenly Monro said:

”But you cannot refuse.”

Barney could not believe his ears; the son of a bitch was reading his mind. Monro became an alien.

“But if you still refuse” he smiled benignly and compassionately like a crocodile holding his prey in his jaws.

“I warn you; you will stop receiving money from either the government or from me. I will have you committed on Prof. Cheers' authority, and most importantly” (was he joking?) “The fact is that you, Barney, will be charged with treason which is punishable by hanging in wartime. Until your last breath.”

It seemed that Monro felt that Barney was about to get a cardiac arrest and immediately enter the coffin or get a stroke that would lead him to the vegetable world. Monro hugged him and laughed sympathetically.

“But you will accept this mission because you are the best; you are worth it. You will accept the new job and I, right at this moment, appoint you as a minister instead of your boss. He will become your deputy.” “Your salary will double, actually triple, with the help of the government money and my own private money. In addition, when I win and you complete your morale-boosting job, most probably within a week or less, you will know that you and I defeated Aswad and the Free Islamic Forces together.  You will announce the latest news to your family. When that happens, I will appoint you as my deputy and you become the Vice President and this, of course, will continue until I am fed up with my position or until something happens to me.” Monro laughed. “Maybe you will decide to eliminate me, and, in that way, you will automatically become the new chosen President of the Selected Democratic Organization, in my place.”

“Barney, fucking Barney, you will become the heir of the fucking Al Pacino, the heir of the fucking Don Corleone,” Monro mumbled to himself while hugging Barney and kissing his cheek with paternal fondness and continued:

 “But my dear friend, my best friend of all, Barney, my joker, don’t give me your answer just yet. Go home, to your loving family and after you rest, think about the important position and consult with your gorgeous wife, come back to me with your final answer. ”Suddenly the Demon’s eye winked at him tenderly, with affection and love. “What will you become? A hanged Deputy Minister or a sane Vice President?”

Barney listened incredulously as his soul returned to his body and indeed, he sighed deeply with relief. Monro shook his hand as a gloomy smile appeared on Barney’s face.

“Okay, Mr. Monro, by tomorrow morning, I will give you, my answer.” Barney smiled in desperation this time. “It’s not hard to guess what it will be.”

Monro smiled and turned his back to Barney and left his office with a poker face.

Barney rang his doorbell. Elena opened the door and smiled.

 “Hi Barney, what are you doing home?” They hugged and kissed but she still sensed something. “You said that you would be staying at the command hall until further notice. Did anything happen?”

He walked towards the couch, threw his coat on one of the chairs while he lit himself a cigarette from her pack.

“Yes Elena, much has happened" they both became quiet. Barney looked at her.

“Do you remember how we laughed yesterday about the belly dancers who Aswad sent to the front? Monro decided that he must do something really special to raise the morale of his soldiers at the front, he decided to send them a comedian.”

She burst out “What do I care, who is it?”

“Listen to the great surprise of your life, Monro chose me, your Barney. He decided to send me to amuse the soldiers of the Democratic army at the front. In his opinion, I am the best of all, and I can help him win this war. It seems that Prof. Cheers should commit the Siamese twins Aswad and Monro in a closed wing for life. They started competing who is the worse psychopath.”

 Elena was stunned.

“What? What did you say? You? ” She burst out laughing. “Is Monro on drugs to send you, my Barney, to the front?” Barney sighed.

“Good for me. You are laughing and I feel like crying, the maniac and psychopath decided that I’m the solution to his problems.”

“Barney, tell him you are not interested, that you refuse. The best way is the simple one. As far as I concerned, have him send his mother to the soldiers.”

“What do you think that I didn’t tell him that I refuse? Do you know what the psychopath told me? That if I refuse, I betray my country.” Elena froze and was astonished. “All my rights will be taken from me, including all the benefits and governmental pension. I will be laid off my job and in addition, they will hold a public trial in which I will be accused of treason and will be executed like Biknan in Israel. Do you see? He made a fucking Biknan out of me. He sent me home to rest, think, and give him an answer by tomorrow morning.” She hugged him with love, and he noticed tears in her eyes.

“So, what are we going to do, Barney? You don’t really have any choice, you must accept his dumb offer and show up at the front, right my love?”

“Yes dear, I also understood that I have no choice.” He chuckled and she joined him. “I remember that it has been a while since I last went overseas, and now I can fly overseas free of charge and also attend a stand-up comedy show” Elena sighed.

“I hope that drugged person offered you something for you to accept his amazing position.”

“Ah, I forgot to tell you that. He told me that if I accept this position of the supporter of the national morale, he will immediately appoint me as the Minister instead of my own boss. Barney, the Minister of Culture, Sports, and Education and after the war he will appoint me as his own Deputy” he added with pride. 

“Vice President Barney, and once he finishes his term or if anything happens to him during that time, I will automatically become the President” He e put his hand on his heart. “Barney the new President, sworn in before the Parliament and before God to serve the country with hookahs and relaxation and to protect the country and its citizens from bad luck.”

Elena clapped her hands enthusiastically and screamed:

“Bravo, Bravo” suddenly Elena said to him with sarcasm: “To me it seems like the Baron von Munchausen has plotted the entire story that you are being appointed as his Deputy when he completes his term and that you are being chosen as a President. He sold you the politician’s bullshit in order to have a distinguished comedian instead of a depressed one.”

“Yes, I understood that his appointment isn’t worth anything, and it is too good to be true, but I still think that he will appoint me as a Minister instead of my boss. If he doesn’t appoint me as the Minister, I will become the cemetery comedian.”

“Okay, my love, he will appoint you, or he will not appoint you, leave out the politics and the bullshit. Do you want to make war or love?”

He looked at her with innocence. “I don’t know Elena, if in the war Barney is a comedian, what is Barney in love, a gravedigger?”

They started messing around on the couch and Elena whispered sweetly, half seriously and half-jokingly while taking off his shirt.

“I want you, my dear Minister” he took off his trousers “I desire you, my beloved Vice President.” He took off his underwear “I am ready for you, my husband, my President.”

At the secret facility where they were shooting a movie, the Hollywood people continued to practice on the mattress-covered floor. The combat training included Karate, Kung Fu, Aikido, Jujutsu and Judo.

The trainers were Piggy and peacock. They stood in front of their Hollywood double friends, all dressed in regular, loose, non-military, comfortable clothes for training. Behind the Hollywood people, there were thirty elderly men and women who had enlisted to serve in the army. They sat on chairs or held their walkers. They were handicapped, unemployed, received income supplements or were homeless. Piggy bowed to them and explained.

“Today thirty new students will start training with us, and we accept them with open arms. My name is Piggy, a coach for thirty years, holder of a black belt Dan 9. I was declared European Champion twice and World Champion four times.”

Peacock hurries to brag:

“Hello there, my name is Peacock, practicing for twenty-five years, holding a black belt Dan 8. I was declared European Champion five times and World Champion three times. Don’t forget to bow at the beginning and at the end of each class.”

The two trainers bowed to the group and the pupils bowed back.

One elderly woman mumbled, “What does he think of himself that Stevie Piggy” waving her finger. “I could also be a champion after twenty years of training, world champion, even galactic champion.”

One of the elderlies got mad “Mr. Precook, are you laughing at us? Stop trying to impress us. Give me a month with my prosthetic leg and I will win you over.” Another elderly woman shrieked with asthmatic laughter.

“Piggy and Peacock, what difference does it make? You win him over. He wins you over. In the end we all finish, the losers, and the champions.”

Peacock was furious.

“Silence, today we will learn to bow. The bow symbolizes one's respect for the opponent and self-discipline.” He exhibited a bow while screaming – “Hi”…

The entire group was scared at first  but afterwards bowed to him and screamed, some with enthusiasm and  others from pain “Ai, Ai, Ai” deafening each other. They bumped into each other’s heads, and some fell to the ground. But the elderly took pleasure in it, were content and smiled all over, sure that the class was over, that they had had enough that day and hugged each other with supreme pleasure and again screamed at each other “Ai, Ai, Ai.” They turned around and started walking towards the door. They succeeded in walking several steps but then found themselves face to face with Piggy.

“My dear and great warriors, you are not done for today. You have only begun.” The elderly was surprised and stunned. “The basis of learning martial arts is a combination of Kata exercises. There is approximately six Kata. Each Kata is based on several continuous movements that characterize it. Each time you will learn more exercises and more Kata. The more you know, the less you will get hit, the more you will live, understood?”

Peacock continued:

“Please divide into pairs, a man in front of a man, a woman in front of a woman. Let us starts exercising. Come on, let’s fight.”

Dragon approached Piggy and Peacock and held their hands

“Are you mad? You are going to teach the elderly and the handicapped Kung Fu?” He chirped. “They might mistakenly kill each other or die needlessly from a heart attack or stroke.” The two trainers were embarrassed. “I have a better idea; teach them to use their walkers as weapons.”

Peacock and Piggy looked at each other with astonishment, hugged Dragon and simultaneously answered:

“You're right, why didn't we think of that? We will turn them into lubricated fighting machines, into terminators with walkers.”

Dragon whispered to the elderly:

“The trainers decided that you are the best and the most dangerous. So, they want you to learn a new combat technique, the most dangerous there is, combat with walkers.”

The elderly imagined themselves as galactic warriors, began screaming in combat voices, nearly ecstatic. They raised their walkers in the air, and some of them unintentionally hit the people standing in front of them, causing them to scream from pain and fight back using similar hits. The trainers and the Hollywood people calmed everyone down and brought them back to sanity. Peacock and Piggy showed them how to defend themselves and to attack with their walkers and the elderly were excited by the idea and started fighting each other seriously and furiously until the trainers had to separate them and end the training earlier than planned.