CHAPTER 21 – THE FUNERAL

Media networks around the world reported on the sudden death of Ajmigi - Aswad’s father, who died from heart failure and announced that the funeral would take place within an hour, at 10 AM, and would depart from the Presidential palace in Musulmania.

The Hollywood actors and their camera crew stayed in Dragon’s suite at the hotel. They were sated and satisfied after their meal in the hotel dining room and listened to the media reports regarding the funeral and smoked the hookah provided by the hotel manager. They brainstormed on a plan to release the captives secretly. The Hollywood actors were not aware that by mistake, they had been given a hookah with a generous amount of hashish meant for an important Saudi sheik at the hotel and who in turn received their hookah. After a while, the Saudi sheik and his honorable entourage started laughing loudly, certain they were very high. Dragon waved his cigar in his hand and made funny movements around the Hollywood actors, who were as high as a kite, just like the director.

“Guys, did you hear that Aswad’s dad is dead? Unfortunate thing! Why didn’t he take his son with him?”

Lion rejoiced:

“I wish Aswad would also go to hell and if possible, he should take Monro with him.”

Tigris

“You are good lion. Aswad, his army, and Monro should all go to hell. That’s good, Monro and Aswad should go and do the death dance in hell.”

Chicken laughed out loud:

“You are right, Cocky Rocky. The war should also go to hell. It will also be good for the Democratic Organization and the Islamic Forces. Let the war go to hell and let’s get it over with.”

Piggy chuckled.

“You are the best, fucking Harry. From now on, we will call every war-get it over with war. Maybe instead of releasing the captives, we will make a get it over with exercise against Aswad and Monro?”

Peacock chuckled.

“It is a swell idea, old karate face, but there is no need to eliminate them. It is enough to put them together in the same room with Satanic and give each one of them a gun. This would be the ultimate Western.-The Good, the Bad and the Ugly 2.”

Everyone continued laughing and enjoying the hookah Hashish. They patted each other on the shoulder and the back, made stupid faces, and every simple routine movement caused outbursts of mad laughter.

Cow mumbled excitedly:

“I have a better idea; let’s attach an explosive belt to each of them.”

Piggy:

“Afterwards we will send them both to the UN Security Council Hall.”

Peacock

“And we will do it on a day when attendance is full in the hall.”

 

Cobra:

“Let them explode together with everyone, we don’t need Presidents and politicians.”

Birdy:

“Never mind, the UN is already nonsense. They do nothing and are worth nothing.”

Dragon:

“After that they will choose us for President. If Fegan was President, we also can be. We are the best Hollywood actors.”

Suddenly Dragon’s cell phone rang, and they became quiet. For a moment they jumped in fear, turned on their phones and screamed “Hello, hello.” Dragon finally understood that his phone was the one that was ringing. He signaled them to shut up, listened attentively, hung up and explained to his friends.

“i’ve just received an important message, we are going to the Academy Awards,” he laughed. “Sorry, I meant to the funeral of Aswad’s father.” He added “Funeral, Oscars, what’s the difference? In both of them there is a little laughter and a great deal of crying.”

The Hollywood actors were overcome by an inexplicable fear. Dragon and the two actresses looked at them with suspicion.

Birdy askes curiously:

“What happened?”

Cobra askes:

“Is there something that you are not telling us?”

The crew did not understand what happened and asked:

“Why were you alarmed? What are you afraid of?”

Lion replied with a terror-stricken voice:

“I don’t want to go there; my sweet mother always told me that cemeteries bring bad luck.”

Tigris:

“I don’t want to go either; I have never been to a cemetery. If I go, there now maybe I will also die.”

Chicken:

“I have never been to a cemetery; I was told that it’s a scary place. I’m sure there are ghosts there.”

Piggy:

 “In the cemetery there are dead people, I don’t want to enter such a scary place.”

Rat:

“I know it’s scary as hell and maybe scarier than that.”

Peacock:

“I don’t want to go; I heard that even the dead people are scared to death.”

Dragon:

“Hell is the Garden of Eden in comparison to a funeral”

The two actresses and the camera crew looked at them with disrespect while the actors lowered their faces with shame and embarrassment.

Dragon became authoritative and continued: “We have no choice.” He lied to them without flinching and moving an eyelid. “Aswad informed me that if we don’t go, we will offend him and his father, and for that reason, he will execute us before the captives.”

All the actors screamed in terror.

“Of course, we are going. We love Aswad and we will honor him. We love funerals, we are crazy about cemeteries. Did anyone say we would not go there? We are not afraid of anything. We will force anyone who does not want to come to join us. We will execute him.”

They changed into dark suits befitting a funeral, but their faces gave away their helplessness, the embarrassment and terror they strongly felt. The funeral convoy included fifteen black limousines that waited in the main road. The Hollywood actors entered the new black car, Aswad’s huge, protected, and open Mercedes Maybach. They shook his hand with disgust, fear, and terror but offered their deep condolences with voices shaking from sorrow.

Aswad explained to the Hollywood crew and actors:

“Don’t be alarmed when you soon see masses of Islamic citizens on the sides of the road. These citizens worship me as their leader and as a symbol and therefore, they show their respect because my father died. I want you to photograph the citizens and me endlessly. I want the entire world to see the magnitude of worship and support that I, Aswad, the supreme leader, get.” Some of the photographers were in the first car with Aswad’s bodyguards and started shooting the convoy’s journey. The following car had the deceased in it, followed by a car with security people, the huge Maybach limousine with open roof with Aswad, the Hollywood actors and film crew in it, additional cars with security people, cars with the President’s family, cars with government and various national representatives and at the end of the convoy cars with more security people.

As the convoy began the journey, Aswad told the Hollywood actors:

“Remember, when I raise my hands upward, do the same because it’s important, don’t forget the funeral is being photographed exactly like a movie.”

The crew has already been shooting the President’s car when Aswad raised his hands upward with a presidential, authoritative motion and with a kind smile which even caused the Hollywood people to raise their hands slightly but when Aswad glanced at them menacingly, they quickly raised their hands high and feigned smiles for him. The photographers observed that the citizens flanking the road were terrified, prodded by soldiers behind them to raise their hands. They also noticed citizens who waved their hands at Aswad and blessed him in a weak and timid voice as the President’s car passed. Even though there were no citizens on the road, Aswad enthusiastically raised his hands, and the Hollywood team kept its hands up like robots. Aswad smiled all over and thanked his invisible admirers while Dragon, who seemed confused, like everyone else, asked:

“Mr. Aswad, why are we raising our hands if there are no citizens nearby and why the photographers are still filming?”

Aswad answered with a mean and threatening voice “You will continue to do what I requested even if you don’t see any citizens. Keep in mind that they will always be on either side of the road.” He laughed with contempt. “As Hollywood actors you should know that it is possible to add people on the computer and to duplicate the ones we just photographed on the computer and move them to places where there are no people at all. You, Dragon, told me that everything is possible in Hollywood. When we edit these shots from the royal palace to the cemetery and inside the cemetery, we will fill them with millions of people. The media bring ratings, ratings bring victory, and my victory is also in the cemetery.”

The Hollywood actors listened to Aswad’s explanation but had a tough time accepting it. Aswad raised his hands again enthusiastically and they had no choice but to play along with him.

Lion whispered to his friend out of Aswad's hearing:

“Do you feel like you are in a funeral procession? I don’t. ”

Chicken:

“It seems to me like a presidential election campaign more than a funeral.”

Tigris:

“The funniest thing is that we are becoming partners in Aswad’s deceit.”

Birdy, with disgust:

“Anyone who sees this footage will get the impression that we are this psychopath's greatest supporters.”

Cobra:

“Maybe we are his greatest supporters. Without us nothing would happen.”

Rat:

“We cannot divulge that we arrived in this country against our will and that this movie is a hoax. Nobody would believe us.”

Horse:

“Even we no longer understand what is real and what’s an illusion: long live Hollywood.”

Piggy while practicing Karate movements:

“It doesn’t matter what is a reality and what is an illusion, the most important thing is that we survive all of this and return home safely.”

The actors again withdrew into themselves, depressed and desperate but the moment they saw Aswad’s raised hands, they followed suit and smiled for the cameras.

To the surprise of all those present, a modern Jewish rabbi arrived at the cemetery. The manager of the Jewish cemetery greeted Aswad.

“Mr. Aswad, the Rabbi, and I want to express our condolences. The funeral Rabbi is waiting for you near the grave; you all need to put on yarmulkes.”

They stared at one other in disbelief while Aswad put on a yarmulke, his face showing fear and concern. Everyone did the same without understanding why. The cars continued to arrive at the cemetery and stopped in the designated area. The passengers got out of the cars and stood around the grave with a few citizens, Aswad’s admirers who arrived especially for this event. Near the open grave, the elegant coffin of Ajmigi, who asked to be buried in a Jewish ceremony, was placed. The Hollywood camera crew continued shooting intensively.

Lion whispered:

“I hope they do it quickly so we can get the hell out of here. The dead give me the chills.”

Suddenly the Rabbi, with a megaphone in his hand, took Aswad’s hand, and looked at what was being done with embarrassment. Aswad smiled and explained with gravity:

“You are surprised, right? My father was a Jew, secretly married to a Muslim who was in this case, my mother. My father asked me to be buried as a Jew like his father and his grandfather and his great grandfather that to my great sorrow there were all Jews. Therefore, I had no choice but to honor my father, my grandfather, and my great grandfather, and to do what he asked, even if it repels me. I just ask all of you to keep this issue of his being a Jew and his burial as a Jew a secret. Now you understand why I hate the Jews, especially the Democratic Jews and the Democratic Zionist Jews.”

The Rabbi said a few sentences that were appropriate for the ceremony and afterwards several family members approached and briefly eulogized the deceased. The Rabbi passed pages of the Kaddish to Aswad’s family and started praying. Aswad whispered into the Rabbi’s ear:

“Rabbi, finish the prayer as quickly as you can, or I'll bury you right now near my deceased father.”

The Rabbi prayed at a velocity that increased and intensified, swallowed his words that became gibberish, holding the megaphone in his hand while everyone did his best to look sad and cry. The Hollywood actors were stunned and secretly stared at one another.

Rat whispered to his friends:

“Do you see how great this is? They brought a Hi-Tech Rabbi... I'll be damned; it seems like an election rally in the cemetery.”

Piggy whispered:

“How disgusting, talking with a megaphone near the dead. Isn’t he ashamed? Does he think the dead are deaf?”

Lion said:

“Let me breathe, what happened? Maybe the man likes to hear himself. Maybe he is deaf and only hears the dead?”

The Rabbi, who overheard them, hurried to respond, “Are you done with your holy words? May I continue? I give you the honor to lower the coffin into the grave. It’s a great Mitzvah.”

Tigris trembled:

“I cannot touch the coffin; it is bad luck.” He mumbled: “Is it really bad luck? The dead die just once.”

Peacoke:

“Leave me alone, do you want me to have nightmares all my life? To have nightmares about the cemetery and the dead?”

Harrison Ford:

“I don’t mind holding the coffin, but I most probably will get a hernia. Why am I being punished for his death?”

Aswad sighed with impatience and signaled his bodyguards to raise the coffin and they placed it in the grave. Aswad started to eulogize his father:

“My deceased father was special, and a visionary. He was the President of the Free Islamic Forces until I took his place, a year ago, and then held elections to confirm me as his replacement. My father was a President who loved his people, cared for all citizens, brought the Free Islamic Forces into modernization and hi-tech and was loved and adored by everyone. Therefore, today, he leaves us knowing and happy that I, Aswad, his son, will love and take care of Islamic citizens better than he did. I am the chosen President of the Free Islamic Forces for whom everyone waited, better than Nasser, Sadat, and Mubarak. I am the alpha general of the Islamic Forces who will lead our nation to great victories even more than Nasser A-Din. I’m the new prophet Muhammad”. The forced applause was heard a long way off. “Long live Aswad the leader, the general, and the prophet.”

Aswad finished his speech, and everyone waited in silence. Without any warning, a group of soldiers raised their rifles towards the sky and shot one loud deafening burst that surprised and terrified the Hollywood actors so much that they hid behind the nearby graves in an attempt to get cover, since they were sure that the soldiers were shooting at them to eliminate them. Everyone burst out laughing while a few of the soldiers who shot in the air immediately helped the frightened Hollywood actors up. Aswad was still holding his belly and shaking with laughter:

“What happened to you? This was a shooting in honor of my father. Are you a real Commando group? Are you going to save the captives?”

The Hollywood people stared at one another with frustration and confusion and had no choice but to join in the laughter while Aswad screamed:

“Silence, silence, you should be ashamed. We are at a funeral, not a picnic. Anyone who fails to show respect in my ceremony, will be lying in the grave next to my father.” He turned to the Rabbi “Go on, continue, we have not come here for a barbecue, finish the ceremony.”

The assembled stopped laughing and immediately lowered their heads with fear and shame while the Rabbi continued:

“We should say Kaddish and afterwards cover the grave with sand. After that we leave and only the dead remain.”

Everyone stared at him without understanding since they didn't know what Kaddish meant. The Hollywood group started tossing sand in the grave:

The Rabbi screamed at them:

“No, no, stop it. You must recite the Kaddish first and then throw sand in the grave. Don’t upset the dead, just do it as quickly as you can, or we will bury you as well.”

Aswad screamed at the Hollywood actors who took hold of Kaddish pages, started quickly praying with fear when they enter into each other’s words, disturbing one another, getting confused and started mumbling(Jewish prayer for the dead in Hebrew)

“Extolled and hallowed be the name of God throughout the world which he has created according to his will. And may he speedily establish his kingdom of righteousness on earth.”

The rabbi urged them on and without a choice they continued at too quick a pace

“May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified...gain and rescue us and all Israel, the Selected Democratic Organization and now say Amen: He Who makes peace in His heights, may He make peace, and with his mercy may He make peace, and upon all Musulmania say Amen”

The Rabbi was already becoming impatient:

“Okay, we are done with the Kaddish, now we need to throw sand over the coffin.”

The Rabbi collected the Kaddish pages and put them in his bag, gathered a handful of sand and threw it into the grave. He signaled the rest to do the same. The guards, Aswad and his family followed him while the Hollywood people who were at a cemetery for the first time did not understand what was going on, did not follow, and just stared at everyone in wonder and smiled at each other.

Cow whispered sarcastically:

“At this rate, we will finish covering the grave in a week and will have to sleep here.”  He trembled, “that’s just what we need.”

Lion stuttered:

“Enough, Rat, you only see the dark side. Oh, oh, oh, what happened? It will take as much as it takes. Are the dead in a hurry? Even if we need to sleep here, it will be like having a picnic. We will bring hamburgers and beers and will have a barbecue.”

Tigris mumbled:

“Throwing sand in this manner reminds me of agriculture classes in primary school, it was fun.”

The monkey whisperer:

“Do you know why they throw sand?”  “One day a cadaver left his grave and went home for a visit. Everyone at home died from fear. A It was decided to cover the graves so the dead wouldn’t come out of their grave and people wouldn’t die of fright. These days we die from anything, right?”

The Rabbi turned to the Hollywood team with anger:

“Hello Hollywood frogs, stops croaking, go on, start throwing sand inside.”

The Hollywood actors understood that they had no choice, so they began to throw sand. Unfortunately, the sand went into the faces of the other people standing at the grave. Aswad screamed “God damn it. I cannot see. Who is the psycho throwing sand at us? Who brought you here? What are you doing? We are going blind because of you. Get water for us to rinse our eyes.” The foolish Hollywood actors ran around like crazy, brought buckets of water and a hose. A They poured water everywhere on the others who now screamed because of the water poured on them.

“What is it? Stop it lunatics! Are you insane? We just asked for water to rinse our eyes. What are we, plants? How can we go back home like this?” The Hollywood people stopped with embarrassment and humiliation. Someone grabbed the hose and pointed it back at them with nervousness.

“Stop watering the dead. We don’t want them to get the flu, enough with the mess,” the Rabbi screamed. “We are at a cemetery; did you forget that? We came here to bury Aswad’s father, that’s it, I’m done! "The mourners sighed with relief, looking like plucked chickens. The Rabbi signaled to the Bobcat loader to get closer while the family members shook his hand. The rabbi turned to Aswad, who was soaked through to the bone and was shivering from the cold:

“Thank you, I hope you don’t experience any more sorrow. I hope we will not meet in such places. Now your father can rest in peace.” The loader arrived and began to fill the fresh grave while the Rabbi vanished from the place. The Hollywood people stared at the tractor with admiration and screamed:

“What an idea! Let's create a company in Hollywood for carrying the dead to the grave. We will buy tractors that will work for us in every cemetery. Why didn’t we think of that? It’s easy money.”

Dragon ridiculed them:

“You jerk, of course you haven’t thought of it.  You have never been to a cemetery before.” The Hollywood actors became excited and surprised while the rest stared at them with their open mouths.

Rat seemed sad.

“But I’m not sure it’s a good idea, what if there aren’t many dead people? What will we do with all the tractors? Should we rent them to the Hamas to dig tunnels to Gaza?

Chicken had an answer ready:

“Don’t worry, there are always dead people and if we need some, then Aswad and Monro will provide us with the merchandise. Besides, it’s not bad to rent it to the tunnel diggers all over the world, to prisoners, to armies in countries during war time.”

The procession left the cemetery and drove back the same way. Once again, Aswad raised his hands with excitement, smiled with satisfaction to the vision of the Human Hollywood robots who imitated all of his movements. The cortège reached the starting point in Musulmania, the road where they began their trip to the cemetery. The Hollywood people shook Aswad’s hand, expressed their condolences, and parted with his entourage.

 The Hollywood actors went back to their hotel and bumped into a circus team, familiar from the poster they had seen in the market. The circus crew included eight suntanned bearded men and five pale women with blond and brown hair. They introduced themselves and became friendly in a spontaneous fun way. The circus crew invited the actors to their room for coffee and to smoke a hookah together. The belly dancers from the circus tried to teach the already stoned actors how to dance properly while the Hollywood actors tried to teach the belly dancers how to act like they do in Hollywood. They all looked stupid and ridiculous.

After some time, Aswad traveled to the prison to talk with his bodyguards, with Barney’s security people, with Said, the prison doctor and afterwards with all the prisoners in the yard, excluding Barney's friends who remained in the cell, unaware of what was going on under their noses. Barney’s and the captives’ guards returned to their rooms while the prisoners stayed in the yard minding their own business, reminiscent of a gigantic perpetual motion machine. To Barney’s joy, his back pain had disappeared, and he felt better so he was allowed to return to his cell and at the request of his friends and the Islamic guards, he was happy to entertain them with boundless self-admiration, with great vigor, and with a feeling of relief and joy:

“An English investigator went to research remote tribes in Africa. After he arrived at one of the villages, he was welcomed by the tribal chief and invited to stay for a longer time. The investigator agreed, but a few months later an incident happened: The daughter of the tribal chief was pregnant, but nobody knew who the father was. The local citizens waited for the birth of the baby, and after it was born, they were all surprised: The baby was white… The tribal chief approached the English investigator and told him: “Listen, you have hurt me, my home, and the honor of my family. I have no choice but to kill you…” The scared investigator replied to the tribal chief saying he had to show him something. The investigator took him to one of the highest hills in the area, showed him a large flock of sheep. The investigator told him: “Look, all the sheep in the flock are white and only one is black.” The scared tribal chief said to the investigator in response: “Listen, I will shut up about the baby if you shut up about the sheep.”

Everyone cheered. Barney felt happy, raised his hands to the sky and thanked his God for his luck and for his talent.