CHAPTER 23 – BLACK MAGIC AND IMPRECATIONS
The following morning the world rose early and screamed when the new and most important news flash was broadcast. President Aswad was sitting in his magnificent armchair in his office, wearing his newly pressed military uniform and explained with a friendly and peaceful expression:
“About a week ago seven Democratic spies were captured on the land of the Free Islamic Forces including Barney, the representative of the capitalist Zionist government. In their trial held last night, (a split-screen showed the staged and implanted images of prisoners during the faked trial when they confess), they all confessed that they were spies for the Democratic Organization on a mission to destroy military and citizen facilities of the Islamic Forces and even admitted that Monro, the military criminal, sent them to kill me. Therefore, the merciful popular Islamic court has condemned them to death. The Democratic spies will be hanged tonight in the market square in the center of Musulmania and by that, I warn Monro, the Zionist Democratic devil: the next spies caught will be hanged immediately without a trial and without mercy. When the war ends in our absolute victory and the defeat and surrender of the crazy Monro, he will also be hanged in the city square in Musulmania like a rabid dog, for starting this war.”
The stunned and excited media discussed the meaning of the planned execution of the Democratic captives in the city square. All the democratic and enlightened prime ministers of the world were asked by the media commentators, their citizens, and by their opposition parties to meet with President Aswad and to act as soon as possible to release the captives. In politics, as in life, humanitarian matters are secondary, and the crude oil received from Aswad was more important than some silly and insignificant problem of some idiots caught with their pants down. The selected Democratic representatives who depended on the oil mercy of President Aswad preferred to become ostriches, buried their heads in the sand, mumbled, and stuttered in a pitiful voice:
“We are sorry; this is a private matter of the Free Islamic Forces. We were ready to do everything, but we are not willing to betray President Aswad and we won’t allow ourselves to turn him into our new enemy.”
Monro sat in his office, concerned about his rating. Yeats and Prof. Cheers, who stood beside him, stared with astonishment at the broadcast of the inflaming news. Monro, wondering about the captives' trial, intended to call the Hollywood actors.
Prof. Cheers spoke first:
“Call the Hollywood actors now. We need to plan what to do. I need to know everything and then I'll tell you what to do”.
Monro looked at her with contempt and yelled:
“You are exaggerating. You are getting on my nerves, and I am fed up with you. Why do you treat me as if I was your little boy, some screwed up person or one of your patients? You are starting to behave as if you are the new president of the Democratic Organization. You are driving me completely crazy. Stop it already, you cannot tell me what to do all the time. I know I need to call the Hollywood actors and I don’t need you to remind me of it. Don’t forget who I am.”
The stunned Yeats looked at both of them, Prof. Cheers stared at Monro with suspicion and despise and left the room with her head high. The Hollywood actors watched TV with astonishment and heard the phone ringing; they instinctively raised their hands upward as they had in Aswad’s open car since they still lived the memory of the trip to the cemetery. Monro spoke in a cold voice:
“Do you know that Barney and his friends are going to be executed tonight? Dragon answered with indifference:
“Yes, we know. What can we do? They screwed up.” He laughed, “The production got screwed up.”
Monro yelled back:
“They are not screwed up; you must save them before the execution or else I will inform Aswad that you are real spies that I have sent to him.”
Dragon laughed.
“Bite us, bite us, your geek. We are now Aswad’s best friends; he will not harm us. He is crazy about Hollywood.” He laughed and his friends joined in his amusement and again raised their hands upward and downward “spies, ah, real spies?”
Monro thought a few seconds and answered maliciously:
“Okay, if that is how you feel, you are fired. You can wipe your ass with the movie that you filmed. After Aswad hangs the captives in the city square, I will tell everyone in Hollywood you are shitty people, no one will ever hire you again and you will never act in any movie. Not to mention that the head of the actors’ organization who gets his salary from me, will do as I say.”
Dragon turned pale.
“You cannot do this to us. We are the best in Hollywood, this is our profession, this is our life, and this is our destiny. It is worse than death, please do not do this. I swear to you that we will release them before the execution, I promise. We will not give up on Hollywood, on our reputation, on our honor, and fucking salaries.”
“Good for you Dragon, now you are talking to the point.” “Next time don't mess with Monro!”
Monro hung up. Dragon still held the mobile phone, stunned and afraid.
He explained to his friends:
“Listen, Monro insists that we release the captives before the execution, or he will ruin our Hollywood careers. He will make sure we never work as actors anywhere. He has us where it hurts; we have no choice but to comply.”
They screamed “but we are just actors, why are they picking on us? We are not soldiers, we came to act in a film, let them all go to hell, we will do anything to stay in Hollywood. No one will take that away from us.”
In Monro’s office, Yeats approached Monro and explained:
“Regarding what you asked from me, everything is ready if you want, we can go there tonight after 10 PM.”
“All right, Yeats, my brother, you and I will go there tonight and make sure that the following people join us: Defense Minister, the Chief of Staff, the Command Officers and other brass, photography crews from the largest channels to document everything and report about it when I approve it, and most importantly, don’t tell them where we are going, just tell them that the trip is related to the war and especially to its outcome, that of course will be my victory.”
They shook hands and separated.
Upon the sound of the Dragon’s ringing mobile phone, his face froze when he heard Aswad’s voice:
“How are you, Dragon? I need you to come to the prison now, I’m waiting for you here, come immediately.”
In the captives’ cell, Barney was still lying on his bunk and started to regain consciousness. The room was blurry and dark to him but began to clear and get the familiar shape. Barney noticed the familiar faces of his friends and smiles at them. To his great surprise, everybody jumped on him screaming hysterically with rage and beat him.
“Son of a bitch, homosexual, what did you do? Mother fucker, fucking democratic trash, because of you we will die today. I hope they burn you in hell you nothing, why didn't you make them laugh? We hope you get AIDS, cancer, bird flu, pig flu, and Monro’s flu and Aswad’s flu, you shitty comedian.”
Barney screamed from fear and tried to protect himself from the punches he received from his friends by putting his hands over his body. Fortunately, the two guards barged in when they heard the commotion, came to his protection while threatening his friends with their weapons. His assailant friends stopped hitting him and went back to their bunks. Suddenly the door opened, the Hollywood actors entered, and Dr. Said checked on Barney. Mike Satanic and President Aswad and their bodyguards entered the cell. Everyone in the cell became silent and waited for Aswad to speak. One of the guards whispered in Aswad’s ear what the friends did to Barney and Said whispered in his ear that the incident would not occur again. Aswad signaled the Hollywood actors to join him, to stand beside him and then turned to the captives:
“Do you know who these men are? These are the camera crew, the director, and actors from Hollywood. They are making a Hollywood movie about a commando team sent by Monro to the Free Islamic Forces to release some democratic captives imprisoned by the Islamic Forces.” He pointed at the captives “To release you, I have announced on TV that the captives will be executed in the market square tonight at ten,” he smiled. “After the circus show for the prisoners at eight thirty. You will, however, be executed in the movie, not in reality, not for real. Dragon, the director, will direct it as if it is really happening, as if you are dead. The commando group does not succeed in saving you and is killed by my guards. Now my good friend, the director Dragon will tell you what he is planning.”
Barney and his friends stared at one another in disbelief. Suddenly Aswad was sweet, nice, and cute and gave them the spark of life. Their eyes glowed and they smiled with relief. The Hollywood actors stared at them with smiles and gave them a thumbs up.
Dragon explained:
“It’s true, we came to film a movie about your release, and we will do the best we can. This will be a movie that will win the most Oscars. You and Aswad will be with us in Hollywood during the award ceremony. Everyone will thank you.”
Aswad whispered something to Mike Satanic as the assembled applauded.
“Long live Aswad, long live Hollywood, long live prison, long live the Free Islamic Forces, long live the execution!”
Aswad raised his hands, and everybody was quiet. He pointed at Barney and his friends:
“Do you know what happened that day that no one laughed at Barney’s jokes? I gave orders not to laugh. Anyone who laughed would get a bullet in his head...” He laughed again. “You saw how death has its own life.”
Everyone started laughing as much as they could, maybe from fear, maybe due to lack of understanding or maybe because they had no choice.
“Don’t forget,” he said, “at eight thirty there’s the circus and at 10 PM there’s an execution show.”
Mike Satanic, Aswad, the guards, the officers, and the government representatives left the cell and disappeared. The Hollywood actors and the captives introduced themselves and shook hands. They stayed in the cell with the guards who expressed their joy at the plan.
Barney joked:
“A democrat volunteers for military service. An officer examines him and asks him: “If one hundred soldiers and two tanks come at you, what do you do?” The soldier answers: “I take out a gun, shoot here, there, bullets…kill them.” The officer says: “and if four hundred soldiers, seventy tanks and 10 airplanes come at you, what do you do?” The soldier answers: “I take out a gun, shoot here, there, mortars, bullets, missiles, kill them.” The officer is completely annoyed and says: “and if twelve thousand soldiers, seven hundred tanks and 600 airplanes come at you, what do you do?” The soldier answers: “Am I the only one in the army?”
One night there was a loud noise outside the house of a married American couple. The husband gets up, goes downstairs, opens the door, and sees a bear in front of him. The bear stares at him and says: I'm here to take your honey. The husband turns to the steps and calls: “Honey, come down, they have come for you.”
Said left the room and waited outside for the Hollywood actors who came out excited and cheerful while the fearful Said looked around him. Certain that he was safe, Said approached Dragon in the doorway and whispered to him:
“Mr. Dragon, I must tell you something important. When Aswad announced that the execution would be in the movie and not in reality, he lied. I overheard what he whispered in Arabic in Satanic’s ear. He plans to do something crazy and malicious. It will be a reality show about the real execution. The execution will be very real, and you will not even know it because he will kill you too! This is not Hollywood...this is for real!!! He wants to become famous and to be remembered in the history of the cinema as a pioneer, ahead of his time, as a creator of a new cinematic genre, as a new genius in Hollywood, as a reality master.”
Said finished speaking, looked around again and disappeared inside the clinic. After Dragon relayed the message, the Hollywood actors froze, unable to take in what they had just heard. Dragon was the first to collect himself and whispered to the actors:
“Let’s get back to the hotel and think what to do.” He mumbled, “How can it be? What an insane world!”
Barney and his friends danced in their room; disco, Trance, and a belly dance in honor of the happy news that restored them to life, in honor of the victory of Hollywood. Monro called Elena:
“Did you hear the news? Do you know what I mean?”
Elena answered with a frozen voice:
“Yes, I heard President Aswad announcing that the captives will be executed tonight, I promise...”
Monro burst out:
“I want you to know that this will not happen. I spoke with my commando group. They are ready for action; they will release Barney and the captives before the execution. Barney will be returned healthy and whole to you.”
“Remember well what I’m telling you now. I promise you that if Barney is saved, you will also be saved.” Elena laughed mischievously. “If Barney dies, the ones who sent him will die too.”
Elena hung up without moving an eyelash while the breathless Monro stared at the phone, petrified. The market square in Musulmania, visible from the hotel rooms and from the prison, was a scene of great agitation followed by screams and swears in Arabic. Bloodthirsty crowds of citizens gathered around the Islamic soldiers who had come to erect a high platform for the execution. The crowd screamed and danced in ecstasy.
“Death to the captives, to Monro, to Aswad, to the Selected Democratic Organization, to Aswad, the General, to the Democratic soldiers, to Aswad the prophet, to the Zionists, to the democratic pigs and death to the atheists.”
With terrified eyes the Hollywood actors and the circus team were glued to the hotel windows watching the events that were taking place in the square. At the same time Barney and his friends also stood at their prison cell window and watched the events in the square while smiling and joking. Barney and his friends hugged with cheerfulness along with their excited guards who started screaming madly exactly like the crowd.
“Death to the captives, to Monro, to Aswad, the leader, to the Selected Democratic Organization, to Aswad, the General, to the Democratic soldiers, to Aswad the prophet, to the Zionists, to the democratic pigs and to the atheists.”
Monroe's presidential jet with his companions landed in a deserted and dark field in Romania, near Dracula’s castle, and taxied to the front of an ancient cemetery. They felt terrified when they saw the dark cemetery in front of them and were afraid to move. Yeats entered first with a folder in his hand, stepped toward a Rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Muslim Qadi who waited for them nervously in the cemetery. Yeats handed each one of them a document and explained:
“We took out life insurance policies on each one of you in the amount of ten million dollars as per your request. The premiums will be paid by our government for the rest of your lives. If, God forbid, you should die, ten million dollars will be paid to your families.”
The holy men passed their policies to their fourth friend who was an Ultra-Orthodox Jewish insurance agent who examined the policies and approved them. The rabbi handed a package of large clown hats to Yeats.
“Put a hat on and transfer the rest to everyone else so they can also wear them. The cemetery is a holy place and anyone who doesn’t wear a hat will not be allowed in.”
Yeats returned to the group near Monro, handed out the hats to the astonished guards who put them on with indifference and passed them on to the others. Yeats took Monro into the cemetery. Monro shook the hands of the three holy men and handed each one of them a check for 150 thousand dollars that they quickly put in their pockets. Monro looked at the holy men and at the graves and asked in a terrified voice:
“Are you sure that Dracula will not show up suddenly? Maybe he is Aswad’s friend?” The holy men stared at him with a look that terrified him even more and they answered:
“Do not worry. Dracula will not come. He is also afraid of you and Aswad. We can start the ceremony.”
They walked into the cemetery behind the holy men in silence, deathly pale. They feared that the dead might come out of their graves and take them to the world of demons and spirits. In the corner of the cemetery, there was an open grave with lighted torches, lanterns, and candles around it. In the grave, a large picture and small pictures of President Aswad were on the ground and standing on the sides. Suddenly the holy men noticed film crews waiting, preparing to film the event.
The priest was angry:
“Why are their film crews and other people here?”
The Qadi spoke up as well:
“It’s not what we agreed upon. We said that the event should not be filmed.”
The Rabbi said:
“I will ask them to leave before the dead get annoyed...”
Monro grabbed the Rabbi’s arm, whispered something to him and convinced him to take his side. The Rabbi whispered to the other two holy men.
“We have a problem. Monro threatens to cancel everything if we don’t agree to filming the event, and if we agree, he will add a hundred thousand dollars to each of our contracts. I have an idea,” he whispered in their ears “do you all agree?” They all expressed their consent.
He returned to Monro and whispered in his ear.
“We have agreed to your offer but because of the cameras we will do it in a manner in which our identities will not be revealed. It must be secret; only the dead can know about it.”
He turned to the people present: “Each one of you holds a torch in his hand and even those without torches,” he turned to Monro, “remember, every time we say “amen” you also say “amen.”
The three holy men took black head coverings from their pockets, reminiscent of the Ku Klux Klan, and put them on their heads. Monro turned backwards, signaled everyone and they came to the area where the holy men waited for them. The people present were open to suggestion- affected by the atmosphere of the place. They took the torches from the holy men with hands shaking; they retreated in fear while the cameramen filmed everything with Messianic enthusiasm. The rabbi took out an ancient card and started reading aloud in a scary and menacing voice that made the assembled think of running away. The holy men repeated what he said. Then the rabbi called Aswad’s name, called the names of dark angels, angels of destruction and sabotage and threw a strange black powder into the grave, onto Aswad’s picture while the other two holy men repeated his words and seemed to be in ecstasy, dancing around the grave and spitting on Aswad’s picture. Towards the end of the ceremony, Monro and the torchbearers ran behind the holy men, and they spat and threw the black powder into the grave and on the pictures. Suddenly the rabbi stood in front of them, raised his hands up along with his friends, and said:
“The ceremony is over. Return your hats to us outside the cemetery walls and go home without looking back.”
Yeats whispered to the Minister of Defense:
“I don’t believe this fucking ceremony. They fooled us, it’s suitable for Hollywood, not for us,” he laughed. “This new movie should be called Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Demons.”
Yeats and the Minister of Defense continued laughing, but all of a sudden stopped, surprised to see the three holy men put out the torches with their bare hands. Yeats tried to do the same but screamed from pain when he burnt his hand. He dropped the torch to the ground while the holy men laughed at his calamity. After first aid was given, they returned their caps to the holy men and left the cemetery as fast as they could, sighing with relief while the holy men secretly cleaned the protective material from their hands with rags: a cream that prevented burning.
Monro approached the holy men, hugged them, and called to the cameramen:
“Please film, film...me with the holy men. Thanks to them I will win the next election by a bigger majority. God and I will win.”
