That night, Illius stayed up on the top balcony of the library, staring up at the stars. He knew it was late, but he also knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep.
“Room for one more?” Hireth asked as she peeked up from the stairwell.
“Sure.” He scooched over, and she laid down next to him.
“I missed the stars,” she reminisced. “You can’t see them as well in the city.”
He was probably going to regret this, but his heart kept twisting every which way, and he certainly couldn’t talk to Eric. “You ever been in love before?”
“Yeah.” Her words sounded like a prayer.
“Is it hard?”
“Ooh, I am the wrong person to ask that question,” she said, “but… no. Being in love isn’t hard. It’s letting go that shatters you.”
“How do you… make sure that doesn’t happen?”
Her breath hitched. “I’ll let you know if I figure that out. I think you just have to be honest, though, and be yourself.”
Illius tried to search for the right words. “What if… you don’t really like yourself? What’re the odds anyone else would?”
“I think the odds are pretty high in your case.”
He blushed. “You think so?”
“Yeah.” She gave a little chuckle. “He’s a dumbass, but he’s not a subtle dumbass. If you feel the same way—you should tell him.”
“I don’t know what I’d say.”
“You say all the things you’re embarrassed to say.” Hireth reached her hand up toward the stars. “You tell them how much you like how they smell. It doesn’t matter what soap they use or don’t use—they always smell like home. You tell them that you want to crawl into bed with them and fall asleep when they run their hands through your hair.”
“I—” Illius let out a little laugh, realizing she wasn’t just talking about him and Eric. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“Oh, you can.” Hireth sniffed. “You should.”
“What else would you tell them?”
“I’d tell them…” she paused, and when she started again, her voice was close to breaking. “I’d say I like their hands, and I want to hold them. I love the way they just understand me and how easy it is to laugh around them. I’d say how much they meant to me over and over again, and how I loved them so much it made me feel like I couldn’t hold it all in. I was scared, so scared that… she’d find out.
“It’s exhausting holding all those secrets inside. But how could I not? I think I always knew it would ruin everything. And I just… loved enveloping her in my wings when we fell asleep on the battlefield. Sorry.” She sat up, covering her mouth with her hand.
Illius reached for her other hand, entwining his fingers. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded slowly. “I wish, though—I really wish, even though… I don’t think she felt the same way about me that I did about her. I wish I would have told her how I felt before it was too late.”
He squeezed her hand. If anything ever happened to Eric—something deep in his soul knew that he’d never recover. Even the thought hurt.
“You aren’t me, though,” Hireth said. “You won’t make the same mistakes I did, and… as much as I loved her, I’m going to find someone else to love. I’m really rather determined on that. Maybe it’s just to prove I’m still worth loving, but—okay, don’t judge me for this.
“You ever just walk down the street and look at people and think about how everyone has their own stories, and they’re all beautiful in their own way, and you wish you could know them? And some people are worth a night, some people are worth a lifetime, and… others aren’t worth shit, but… you know?”
He couldn’t help himself. “So, this is where Eric gets it?”
She chuckled. “Probably. I’m not the best influence on him, but… I don’t see why I can’t date multiple people. Have to find a new one before the old one figures out all my secrets. Consecutively, of course—although I wouldn’t be opposed to multiple at once. I mean, I hate people, and it sounds like way too much work, but I’m just saying.”
Illius just shook his head. That seemed like a lot to unpack.
She held her hand to his cheek for a moment. “I hope… no matter what happens, and if you ever decide to say anything or not… that you realize how damn special you are, how much you deserve someone who sees the world in your eyes.”
He tried to keep his composure, tried not to feel the weight in his chest. “I don’t think I can ever have that.”
Hireth’s shoulders drooped. “I know. It’s hard to believe anyone else would ever love us, even when we hate the very fabric of our being. Promise me something, though?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t trust his voice.
“If someone tells you they love you… believe them. Don’t project your own insecurities onto them. It’s not fair to invalidate someone else’s feelings because of your own doubts.”
Illius nodded.
With a soft sigh, Hireth squeezed his shoulder. “I’m going to bed. You want a blanket or something?”
“Nah.” His voice felt so husky. “I should get some sleep too.”
“Best of luck with that.” He could hear a little smile in her voice.
