I wish it was Saturday and that I didn't go out last night. The girl didn't even show up, which of course led Don and I to drink more. Now I am feeling the consequences of my actions. My head is pounding, my mouth feels dry, and I'm feeling pretty awful. I lay in bed, not wanting to get up, but I have class today and if I start skipping now, my parents would be upset. Even at the age of 22, I still feel like I'm constantly being lectured by them, and they don't even live in this country.
I drag myself out of bed and head to the bathroom. I take off my alcohol and cigarette smelling clothes and jump into the shower to get rid of the regrets from last night. Why do I do this to myself? I thought coming to America would make me a different person, but instead, I'm still doing the same shit. I mean, I get my homework and studies done, but I just want to play music. If I could play music and not go to school, that would be ideal.
As I hop out of the shower and start drying off, I hear my phone message tone go off. I check my phone to see who the message might be from, and it's from a random number. The message reads:
"Hi Ye-Jun, please let me know your schedule so we can plan the stage design. Thanks, Ernest."
Oh, it's the shy kid from the scenic design class. I chortle to myself thinking that he probably doesn't text people often.
"Hey I can," I stop midway thinking about what my schedule is like for the rest of this week. I know I have a show to play at a bar Friday night and then Saturday Don and a few of our other friends are going out to a club. Shit, I really don't want to do any work on Sunday, but that might be the only time I have available. I look back down at my phone and finish texting Ernest, "Hey I can meet up on Sunday, but prefer after 11."
After I send the text, I reluctantly finish getting ready for the day. I have two classes today, and the thought of having to sit through them fills me with dread. I grab my bag and trudge out the door, checking my schedule one last time before leaving with a heavy sigh. On the way to school, I listen to music to try and numb my mind and block out the world. It doesn't always help, the music only serves to remind me of my own misery and the problems that I can't seem to escape. When I play my guitar, that helps with escaping, but lately I'm just not feeling it. The weight of my responsibilities and the monotony of my daily routine feels suffocating. I don't have anyone to talk to about these thoughts I have, or at least I don't feel it's necessary to open up to others. Sure, I have friends, however, I don't think they want to hear about my problems.
As I walk on campus, I think to myself, "At least this is my last year here." I manage to make it close enough to class without running into anyone I know. I'm not saying I'm popular, but after attending as many events as I have, you'd probably know a lot of people too. However, I feel like I never really fit in. Some people may have been intimidated by my physical appearance, such as my height and deep voice, but I can't help that. I am looking forward to leaving this place and the negative memories behind. It has been a draining experience and I am ready to move on and start fresh.
As I walk to my first class, I notice Ernest walking quickly down the hallway with his head down, not paying attention to where he is going. I think to myself that I should say hi, as he still hasn't texted me back.
"Hey, Ernest!" I probably say it a bit too loudly, but I want to make sure he notices me. I see him quickly turning his head, looking in every direction except mine. I wave my arm to catch his attention. Finally, he makes eye contact with me and slightly raises his hand in acknowledgement. I walk over to him, so we can talk as we continue on our way to class.
"Hey! I'm glad I saw you!" I try to sound upbeat, despite feeling a headache from the night before.
"Oh, really?" Ernest sounds confused.
"Yeah, I mean you didn't text me back."
"Oh, uh, right! I-I'm sorry. I don't really check my phone once I'm on campus." Ernest seems a bit awkward.
"No problem. So, does Sunday work for you for getting together?"
"Yes, that works for me. Do you have any ideas for the stage design?"
"You're the creative one, so I'll leave it up to you. I'll take care of typing up the paper."
"Oh, uh, are you sure?" Ernest seems happy that I trust him to handle the creative aspect.
"Of course, man!" After saying this, I see Ernest form an almost bashful smile, which makes me almost mimic his expression. I shake off the feeling of happiness that I felt seeing his reaction, "Well, anyways I better get going to class. If I don't see you before, I'll see you on Sunday."
"Oh, right! I'll see you Sunday, Ye-jun!"
"Sounds good, see you then." I say to Ernest as we part ways and head to our respective classes. I can't help but feel good about the interaction, even though he seems a bit weird, I really didn't mind talking with him.
The day goes by slowly, there's nothing new with any of my classes. I find it more challenging to interact with people now that my time at college is coming to an end. I try to think of any memorable moments that may have happened, but nothing comes to mind. I've made a few acquaintances, but would I really call them my friends? The only person I think I would still keep in touch with is Don. He's a unique character and always makes things more interesting. I feel as though I am slowly being engulfed by an emptiness, and I won't be able to escape until it consumes me entirely.
At the start of college, I was more lively. I was involved in clubs and played music more frequently, and I met many people. But at some point, all of that seemed to have faded away. I can't remember when I started feeling this way. Now, I struggle to find motivation to do anything. Everything feels pointless and I can't shake off this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I try to force myself to participate in activities and socialize but it feels like I'm just going through the motions. I wish I could go back to the way things were before, but I can't seem to find my way back to that person I used to be. I just feel lost and alone.
As I continue walking back to my apartment, I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I check to see who's calling, and it's Don. I don't feel like going out, but what else am I going to do when I get back to my place? Just sleep? I guess I should answer his call, "Hello?"
"Dude! Where are you?"
"Walking home."
"Do you have plans?" I knew this was coming.
"Umm, no."
"There's a bar that just opened not too far from where I live. LET'S GO!" Don is practically shouting through the phone. I don't want to go, but I can't say no.
"Umm, okay. I'll be there in 20."
Here's to another night of drinking and a rough morning. Why can't I just say no?
