The snow continued to fall softly as I made my way back to my apartment. My mind was buzzing with thoughts of Ernest and the hug we shared. I couldn't help but wonder if there was more to our relationship than just friendship. As I entered my apartment, I could feel my heart beating faster. I grabbed my phone and started typing out a message to Ernest, asking if he wanted to hang out again soon. But then I paused. Was I reading too much into our relationship? Did he feel the same way as I did? I deleted the message and decided to wait, to see if he would initiate something. As I got ready for bed, I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting more with Ernest.
As I lay in bed, I couldn't shake off the feeling of wanting something more with Ernest. But the more I thought about it, the more confused I became. Why was I feeling this way towards him? Was I attracted to him? The thought of being gay hadn't crossed my mind before, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I might be.
I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. I had always thought of myself as straight, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never really been interested in anyone before. It was always just a passing crush or a fleeting feeling, but this was different. I couldn't get Ernest out of my head, and the thought of being with him felt right.
But the idea of being gay was terrifying. What would my friends and family think? How would they react? Would they still accept me? Is Ernest even gay? These thoughts kept swirling around in my head, and I couldn't seem to shake them off.
As I drifted off to sleep, I knew that I had a lot to think about. Maybe it was time for me to start exploring my feelings and figuring out who I really was, but the fear of the unknown was holding me back.
I woke up the next morning still feeling tired. The night had been restless and I couldn’t stop thinking about Ernest. Did I really have feelings for him that went beyond friendship? I didn't want to ignore him again because the thought of hurting him made me feel terrible, especially since we were working on a project together.
But was telling him how I felt the right thing to do? Would it push him away? I couldn't keep feeling this way. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else, and the longer I kept it inside, the more I felt like I was going to lose it.
I couldn't help but think back to all the moments we shared, the way he looked at me, the way his touch sent shivers down my spine. Maybe it was all in my head, but what if it wasn't? What if he felt the same way too? The thought both excited and terrified me.
I knew I had to do something, but I didn't know what. I couldn't keep avoiding the situation, but at the same time, I couldn't risk ruining our friendship or making things awkward between us. I needed to figure out a way to express my feelings without making things too complicated.
As I got ready for the day, I kept going back and forth in my mind, weighing the pros and cons of telling Ernest how I felt. Part of me wanted to take the risk and see where things could go, while the other part of me was scared of the consequences.
But one thing was for sure - I couldn't keep living in this constant state of uncertainty. I needed to make a decision and soon.
I leave my apartment and walk along the streets. It's Saturday, so there are lots of people out, even though the temperature is almost below freezing. But the city wants to see the white covered streets. I don’t have a destination in mind. I just need to clear my head. I walk and walk, passing lots of people along the way, wondering what each of these people is thinking. Are they maybe going through the same thing as me? What are their fears and desires?
I continue walking when suddenly I feel my phone vibrating in the back pocket of my pants. I pull it out and see that it's my mom calling. I hesitate for a moment, but I know she'll just keep calling if I don't answer.
"Annyeong, eomma" I say hesitantly.
"Annyeong adeul mwohae?" Mom asks in a stern tone.
"Amugeosdo an hae. Jogeum swigo iss-eoyo," I respond, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Geurae, geureonde gongbuneun eotteohge doego isseo?" she asks in a cold tone of voice.
"Jeoneun jal jinaego issgo gongbudo jal hago iss-eoyo," I say, feeling annoyed that she always reminds me to focus on my studies.
“Geulaedo hagjeom jal bad-eulyeomyeon yeolsimhi haeyaji. Chingudeul-ilang nolgo issneun sigan-e gongbuleul hae,” she continues her lecture.
“Algess-eoyo,” I mumble, trying to end the phone call as quickly as possible.
“Geureonde, myeochil jeone sul masyeosseo? Hakyep-e jijang-i doejianh-dolog joshimhaeya dwae,” she says.
“Aniyo, eomma. Deo isang sul an masil geoyeyo,” I reply.
“Joh-a. Geuleom jal jinaego iss-eo? she asks.
“Ne, jal jinaego iss-eoyo,” I reply.
“Geulae, geuleom najung-e tto jeonhwahalge. Geongang josimhae,” she says before hanging up.
I let out an exasperated sigh, feeling the weight of my frustration and resentment towards my mom crushing me. It's like she can never just let me be and trust that I know what I'm doing. Every time she calls to nag me about school, it's like she's implying that I'm not doing enough, not good enough. And maybe I'm not, but it's not like I'm not trying. I pour hours of my life into studying, sacrificing sleep and socializing just to keep up with my classes. And yet, it seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough to meet her expectations.
It's like she doesn't care about how much pressure she puts on me, or how her constant criticisms and reminders only make me feel more stressed and discouraged. Does she even realize that I have my own dreams and aspirations, beyond just pleasing her? I want to make something of myself, to be successful and happy in my own way, but it's hard to believe in myself when my own mother doesn't seem to believe in me.
And even if I do manage to graduate college, what then? Will she still be calling me every day, bugging me about work and money and whether I'm living up to her standards? I just want to scream and tell her to leave me alone, to let me figure things out for myself. But I can't, because even though her constant nagging drives me insane, I still love her and want her to be proud of me.
As I walk through the city streets, the thought of Ernest pops into my head, and I can't help but feel a wave of angst and confusion. I don't know what to do about him, or how I feel about him. All I know is that I'm so tired of feeling like I have to please everyone else, to live up to their expectations and not my own. Maybe I should just take a chance and tell Ernest how I feel, but what if I ruin our friendship? What if he doesn't feel the same way? The uncertainty is driving me crazy, but at least it's something that I can control, something that's mine and not someone else's expectations.
As I continue to wrestle with my conflicting emotions and responsibilities, I can't help but wonder if this constant struggle is just a part of growing up. Maybe everyone goes through this, feeling like they're stuck between pleasing others and following their own path. Or maybe it's just me, and I'll never be able to reconcile my desires with the expectations of those around me. Either way, I know that I have a long way to go before I can find the answers I'm looking for, and I can only hope that I have the strength to keep going, even when the path ahead seems unclear.
[OttilieTow]
This is a rough translation of the conversation between Ye-jun and his mom. Please understand that I am not fluent in Korean and did my best with the help of others online, but I am open to any suggestions.
Ye-jun: Hello, Mom.
Ye-jun’s mom: Hello son, what's going on?
Ye-jun: I'm not doing anything. Just relaxing.
Ye-jun’s mom: So, how is your studying going?
Ye-jun: I'm doing well and studying hard.
Ye-jun’s mom: But you need to be more diligent. Your friends are spending a lot of time studying.
Ye-jun: I understand.
Ye-jun’s mom: So, have you been drinking recently? You need to be careful not to get into trouble with the school.
Ye-jun: No, Mom. I won't drink anymore.
Ye-jun’s mom: Good. Are you doing well?
Ye-jun: Yes, I'm doing well.
Ye-jun’s mom: Okay, call me again soon. Take care.
[/OttilieTow]
