Chapter 17: They’re just dreams.

2024 January 28, Sunday

Randal woke up early enough that the light hadn’t finished changing to day yet. He had railed at the memories that had invaded his thoughts all night; Alice was the past and there wasn’t any point in dwelling on her, but his mind wouldn’t let her go. But they knew about her. He shouldn’t have been surprised. Maria had told him they knew where he was months in advance of the world. If they knew that long in advance, they had probably dug up everything. He once again vowed not to let them surprise him like this. They would not win!

He rotated upright slowly and picked up his phone off the charger. The screen lit up and he immediately saw it had been changed from its usual boring colour background; it was now a photo of Alistair — Alice — at the beach, surgery scars on full display, and grinning from ear to ear. Randal turned the screen off and set the phone down as calmly as he could. He wanted to scream and throw it, but he knew that Maria would give him shit for it, probably expected him to, but he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. Besides, she would likely keep him in cuffs all day in here if he did, and he didn’t need that in his life.

He stood up from the bed, stretching a bit, and walked the couple steps over to the computer and turned it on. There was another photo of Alice on the screen there, this time in a nice suit at what appeared to be a graduation party. He screamed briefly in frustration before choking it off. He beat his hands on the table hard enough to hurt and went over to his bed and picked up one of the less insipid romance novels they allowed him, flopping down on the bed with it. Randal flipped on the light next to his bedside table and started reading. They couldn’t break him.

Eventually, his alarm went off, and it was playing Alice’s favorite song: The Hardest Button to Button by The White Stripes. He screamed primally and threw the book across the room. Derek and Grant could just fucking deal. Besides, their phones would be going off too, so they were either awake or should be soon. He laid there waiting for Maria’s knock, she tended to arrive early, and he knew she would be positively gleeful at his reaction to her mind games.

It wasn’t long before he heard a knock at the door, and the lock started cycling immediately after. She never waited, it was just the briefest bit of warning, so he could throw a towel on or whatever because, as she had told him repeatedly, “I have no interest in seeing any of what you’ve got.”

She came into his room smiling brightly, and he glared back at her. “Good morning, Ramona!” she said cheerily, her taser in one hand, and a mug of coffee in her other.

“Nothing good about this,” he gestured at the computer and phone. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Do what?” Maria asked, smiling brightly. He thought she was hamming the innocent act up a bit much.

“Put pictures of Alice on my phone and computer!” he said angrily. “And play her favorite song for the alarm this morning? How did you even know that?”

“Ohhh, that, Alistair looked so cute in those photos, and I did say I would show him to you another time,” Maria said, shrugging. “And this morning counts as ‘another time.’ As for the song, it’s literally on his Facebook profile.”

“Do you think this gains you something on me?” he said, rolling his eyes. “It seems just as likely to backfire, make me even less cooperative.”

“Hrm, perhaps, but you spent an awful lot of time and energy making sure he never appeared on your site,” Maria said, leaning forward a bit towards him. “I know, you’ll say it was to protect you,but we checked some logs you forgot about. You only used that mechanism a total of three times in practice that we could tell, but you spent whole weeks tweaking it, perfecting it. Dozens of commits. Was that really all your paranoia over what happened? About you having kissed a boy, and not just once? Plenty of people do that.”

Randal exploded. “NO!” he shouted and stood up off the bed quickly. Maria’s taser was up and aimed just as quick, and he halted. Frozen like stone. “I’m sitting back down, Maria, please don’t tase me,” he said quietly and evenly.

“That remains to be seen, but go ahead and sit,” she said and waited as he sat back down on the bed. She kept her taser trained on him and continued. “‘No’ what? Randal. No, it wasn’t all just paranoia? About you having kissed a boy?”

“He… —” Fuck “— She wasn’t a boy! I kissed Alice! That’s it,” Randal said, unable to meet her gaze, knowing how badly he slipped up. “And yes, all that was just about protecting me.”

“Hrm. Funny how you slipped there. I’ve seen them, you know.”

“Seen what?” Goddamnit Randal. Stop. Asking. Questions.

“The pictures of those kisses,” Maria said, grinning. “For background on you. The internet is bad at keeping anything gone for good. Once we knew who you were, finding them wasn’t too hard. Honestly, both of them resulted in some pretty great photos, even if the second was more ambush-y than out of admiration. You really looked happy kissing him.”

Randal screamed in frustration. “What do I have to tell you to get you to believe I’m not gay?”

“Since when did I say you were gay?” Maria asked, arching an eyebrow. “I said you kissed a boy. You’re the one who brought orientation into it. There’s a world of options out there in which that’s not very gay at all.”

“Such as?” Randal asked before he could stop himself. God-damn her and her fucking question begging statements. He knew where that question would lead and mentally punched himself for the slip. Stupid Randal.

“Bisexuality, for instance!” Maria said grinning. “It can’t be gay for you to kiss a boy as a bisexual, just you know, being bisexual.”

Randal picked up a pillow and squeezed it hard. He wished it would burst. He knew what line of thinking she was headed for.

“Now,” Maria said. “I think you know another case or two in which you were kissing a trans guy wouldn’t be gay at all.”

“I’m not trans if that’s what you are implying, and I’m not a woman!” Goddamnit Randal. Just. Shut. Up!

“Not yet anyway, Ramona,” Maria said, a millimeter of smile on her face. “You stink, come on, get your kit and go shower while you let that rattle around your noggin.”

“Could you at least please remove the backgrounds?” he asked quietly. He knew she had won. Again. He didn’t need the constant reminder about Alice around.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Maria said, shrugging. “I’m not the most technically savvy person, but if nothing else, I can ask our tech support. It shouldn’t take more than, oh, a week, or so? She’s very busy after all, you know.”

“Thank you,” Randal said, looking steadfastly at the floor, the better to hide his relief.

“Oh, also, that whole ‘don’t misgender or use their old names for Sophia and Nerys’ thing?” Maria said, crossing her arms briefly. “Consider it applied to Alistair as well as any other trans person. You misgender or deadname him again, and it will be treated the same way. I need you to say you understand and agree.”

Fuck. “I understand and agree,” Randal growled. He got up and grabbed his shower kit, and slowly they headed into the hall, with him walking ahead of Maria and her still out taser.

***

Nerys giggled and took another bite of her Weetabix and oat milk, grinning like a fool at Sophia glaring at her bowl.

“I’m just saying, why not porridge at least?” Sophia said, looking cross at the sponsors along the walls.

“Sorry kiddo, too busy on Sundays often to make you lot anything nicer,” Stephanie said to Sophia with a grin.

“Mary!” Sophia pleaded, turning towards her. “Can you get Stephanie to understand how much I hate Weetabix? At the very least, some of the boxed cereal.”

Mary laughed. “Barking up the wrong tree — I love the stuff, Soph,” she said, winking. “And the girls upstairs got ahold of the last order of boxed cereal, it was gone in, like, a day.”

Sophia rolled her eyes. “No one loves this stuff!” she said exasperated and turned back to Nerys with a pleading look. “Nerys, tell Mary you hate it, please?”

Nerys quickly picked up her spoon and shoved another spoonful in her mouth. “Mmm, so good,” she mumbled through her Weetabix. Nerys wasn’t really a fan either, but right now? Needling Sophia gently was fun.

“Polite young ladies don’t eat and talk at the same time, Nerys,” Mary said with a slight grin.

“Yes, Mary,” Nerys said with a laugh when she had swallowed her food.

Randal was, as usual, sitting at the other end of the table from them, eating in silence. It looked like he had slept badly, and woke up to something even worse, a scowl plastered on his face since before they had entered. Nerys had heard a noise that might have been him screaming when her alarm went off. No one wanted to mess with him this morning, but Maria was positively glowing out of his line of sight. But they wouldn’t let him stop them from chatting among themselves, no matter how many dirty looks he threw their direction or how hard he sighed and rolled his eyes.

“So, what are we getting up to today?” Nerys asked, looking at Mary and Stephanie, genuine curiosity on her face. “More feminism lessons? Voice training?”

Stephanie laughed. “No, although Mary and I were thinking you and Sophia might like a break from the boys, come up and have Sunday lunch with us.”

“Oh, sure!” Sophia said quickly. “But only if Nerys wants to.”

Nerys laughed. “Better food than the basement, I’m sure,” she said, smiling. “Sure, if I’m welcome, I would love to.”

Derek, who was a few seats over, looked over at them. “What, no invite for the rest of us?”

“There’s generally alcohol at it,” Monica said quietly from the wall opposite him.

“Oh. No. I’m good then,” Derek said and went back to his bowl of Weetabix.

“As for the rest of you,” Stephanie said sternly, narrowing her eyes. “This is a reward for progress. Owen, you still spout several conspiracy theories every day. Grant, just last week Pamela said she had told you of a personal problem, and your ‘advice’ was to cut out a long-time friend over a minor thing, rather than talk about it with her; trying to isolate her. Carl, you tried to blame your abuse of your last ex on your emotionally distant parents. You all still have a long way to go.”

Nerys noted Stephanie didn’t even bother to say anything about Randal, and glanced over at him. Randal just sighed and put his spoon down. He got up and put his bowl in the tub to be cleaned and headed into the common room, with Maria close behind him.

“Well, Randal would be a bad lunch guest anyway,” Sophia said quietly. “He would probably shout at people randomly.”

“Like some racist uncle, well, homophobic uncle,” Nerys said nodding with a serious expression before switching to a grin.

“Exactly!” Sophia said. “Not the kind of guest you want at a nice Sunday lunch.”

“Don’t forget amongst your chattering to eat your breakfast, girls,” Mary chided.

“Yes, Mary,” Nerys said, grinning. She looked at Sophia and rolled her eyes and giggled, but did pick up another spoonful of Weetabix.

It was weird, she still didn’t entirely consider herself to be a girl, not entirely, not yet. But… Nerys had grown on her, the nicer clothes, the smoother skin, the way she was treated, and she liked who she was becoming. She hadn’t really been anything before. A void. A nothing. And she didn’t think there could ever be anything there. But now? She was Nerys! She still wasn’t really sure who Nerys was going to become, but Nerys could see herself becoming so many things now.

Maybe she would remain an electrician, or perhaps she would become a Star Trek nerd or a writer or something. Mary had finally relented and let her watch Deep Space Nine. Mary’s condition was that she had Christine put together a list of certain episodes. When Nerys got to one of them, she had to pause, and let Mary know, so they could watch it together and discuss the episode and its themes after.

She and Sophia finally finished their Weetabix, with Sophia pushing her bowl away with a look of pure disgust. “Can we hang out for a bit before lunch?” Nerys asked, looking at Mary.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Mary said, smiling. “You don’t need to start getting ready for a couple of hours still.”

Sophia and Nerys nodded, then got up and headed into the common room with the others. The TV was on a breakfast show, which Nerys felt was better than the reality programs, except when the duty sponsor cut the feed for whatever horrible thing was happening now. And there was always something horrible happening, it seemed.

Derek was sitting on one of the sofa’s near the TV, spotted them and waved them over. “Hey, uh, Sophia?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yes, Derek?” Sophia asked, smiling at him.

“Could you maybe, uh, put something on besides this?” He asked. “Sunday morning breakfast programming is bleak. Worse-than-Wedding-disasters bleak.”

Sophia looked over at Mary and Stephanie, who had followed them in. “Okay, but only things from the general approved list,” Mary said.

“Uh,” Sophia said, glancing at her phone’s list of things she had hadn’t seen before Dorley and liked. It contained a lot of things that weren’t approved at this point, and she hadn’t marked which was which. “Is Ten Things I Hate About You on the approved list? I can’t remember.”

Stephanie nodded. “Yeah, that one’s okay, Sophia.”

“Is that okay with you, Derek?” she asked, turning back to the sofas.

“Yeah, sure, thanks Sophia.”

“You’re welcome Derek!” Sophia said, smiling brightly. She swiped through her phone and set it to playing on the TV. Nerys had watched it with Sophia once already, and they settled in next to each other to watch it for a bit.

The sponsors had a very inappropriate if short laugh at the testicle retrieval operation joke, which annoyed Nerys. They thankfully resisted making their own jokes about it, at least.

The boys and girls chattered with each other as it played, trying to figure out which of the people in the basement were which characters. Sophia was decided unanimously to be Bianca, and an easy majority thought Nerys was Cameron. They didn’t even vote to decide Randal was Joey, which earned them a snarl from him over on his beanbag chair in the corner by the game cabinets. The debate about who was Kat and who was Patrick got more than a bit heated, though, to the point where Mary pulled her phone out and paused it. “Cool it, or I’ll turn it off,” Mary said firmly. “This is a privilege and a treat; we can take it away.”

“Besides, we all know Stephanie is Kat, and Ellen is Patrick,” Maria said from over near Randal, laughing.

“Hey! You take that back, I was never good at football!” Stephanie protested, but then laughed. “And, besides, Ellen was never Heath Ledger.”

When the movie finished, Mary poked Nerys in the shoulder with her finger. “Okay, come on, kiddo, let’s go get you looking presentable for Sunday lunch.”

“Sure, right, coming Mary,” Nerys said, getting up and following her towards her bedroom. “So, what do I need to do?” she asked when they got inside her room.

“Well, first, you need to go shave, munchkin — legs, face, etc. I need to run grab the garment bag and your makeup kit.”

“Shave?” Nerys asked, frowning. “Garment bag? Makeup? Do I have to?”

“You didn’t think you were going to get upstairs for Sunday lunch in the kind of casual stuff you’ve got down here at the moment, did you?” Mary asked, arching an eyebrow. “I know we rushed it at Christmas, and you’ve been up for lunch a couple of times on days other than Sunday, but we do our best on Sundays.”

“Oh, right,” Nerys said very quietly, sitting gently on the edge of the bed.

“Are you okay, Nerys?” Mary said, sitting next to her and putting her arm around her. “I know you have been wearing girls’ things the last month, but you haven’t been really done up since Christmas.”

“Yeah, still having a bit of trouble with being girly beyond a certain point,” Nerys said quietly.

“That’s okay; we can back out if you aren’t ready,” Mary said, squeezing her shoulder. “Sophia would understand.”

“I know, but Sophia’s going to be there regardless!” Nerys said, turning to Mary. “And if I’m not with her, then I’m down here, alone.”

“I get it, kiddo,” Mary said, smiling softly. “But you don’t have to follow her everywhere through everything. And I’d be around today if you wanted, of course.”

“Don’t I? I mean, I’m going to do all of this eventually,” Nerys said, looking back away.

“Eventually being operative there,” Mary said, taking her other hand and placing it gently on Nerys’s chin, turning it back towards Mary. “It’s okay if you’re not ready today.”

“No, I want to,” Nerys said, setting her jaw and smiling at Mary. “I have to do this, and today’s as good as any day.”

“If you’re sure,” Mary said, smiling brightly. “Get your shower kit and go get ready, and I’ll be back down with the dress bag and your makeup kit, but after today it’s living down here, okay?”

“Yeah, of course Mary, see you in a bit,” Nerys said, standing, and Mary stood with her and started to head towards the door. Nerys tugged on her arm, though, and pulled Mary into a hug. “Thank you, for everything, Mary.”

“You are very welcome, Nerys,” Mary said, smiling down on her charge. She kissed Nerys on the forehead, then pushed back from the hug. “Now, go get cleaned up! Shave your legs and wear the shower cap — your hair is good as it is at the moment.”

“Yes Mary…” Nerys said and rolled her eyes as she got her kit together. She headed out of the room, with Mary already walking down the hallway ahead of her.

She smiled, looking at Mary as she walked towards the stairs and turned to enter the shower annexe. Nerys had shaved her legs a couple of times since Christmas, so she didn’t have to go through everything today, and she liked how it felt. However, it was still a step to take to do it forsomething, rather than just to see what it felt like. She finished up and dried off and wrapped the towel around her chest. Sophia had shown her how after she complained about how having it exposed felt now around the boys. Finally, she wrapped her robe around herself and walked into the hallway.

When she got back to her room, Mary was there waiting, with the garment bag hung up, and a dress hanging in front of it. It was less fancy than her Christmas dress, but still nice. It was a bit longer than knee-length, was dark navy with little sparkly gold stars scattered on it and a full skirt. No tights today, but Mary gave her a pair of shorts to wear for her peace of mind.

When she was dressed, Mary had her sit down and Mary began applying her makeup, explaining a bit as she went. “If I show you how you look, are you going to freak out?” Mary asked when she finished.

“No, uh, Sophia’s been helping me,” Nerys said, smiling. “She’s been trying smaller steps with makeup with me.”

“That’s good! I’m glad it’s helping,” Mary said and helped her stand and turned her, so she could look at herself in the full-length mirror on the wardrobe. “Like what you see?”

The girl in the mirror smiled back at Nerys, and Nerys stared in surprise back. “Oh wow,” she said quietly. “Every time, it's still so surprising to see her.”

“I’m glad you can see her,” Mary said, smiling. “You ready for lunch?”

Nerys’s stomach rumbled in response, and she laughed. “Absolutely, let’s go see if Sophia is ready,” Nerys said and unlocked her door.

Derek was in the hall headed to his room as they passed, and he had a confused look initially but converted to a shy smile at Nerys. “You look beautiful, Nerys,” he said quietly.

“Thank you, Derek,” Nerys replied. And then a wave of nerves hit her and suddenly Mary was there, taking her hand.

“It’s okay,” Mary leaned over and whispered to her.

“Thanks again,” Nerys said quietly.

They got to Sophia’s door and Nerys gently knocked with her free hand. “Are you ready, Sophia?” Nerys called through the door.

“Just a moment!” Sophia called hurriedly through the door.

“Women, am I right?” Derek said, passing back by right as the door opened. “Always taking too long.”

“I heard that, Derek!” Sophia called down the hallway. “Oh! Nerys, ready to go to lunch? You look great,” Sophia said, beaming at Nerys, and offering her hand.

Nerys blushed. “Thanks, Soph,” she said and took Sophia’s offered hand as they headed upstairs to the lunch.

***

Jessica’s attempts at finding information at the library yesterday had been fruitless. She even wandered past a local LGBT center, but even if they had been open yesterday for the general public, they didn’t need her around asking a lot of suspicious-sounding questions about kidnapped trans girls. She wound up finding a pub with decent food to eat some dinner in and retreated to her hotel, weary and defeated.

Jessica was once again sitting on her bed in her hotel room, unsure what to do. She sighed; she knew she required breakfast at least, and the hotel’s idea of breakfast was decidedly English for her taste. She pulled her phone out and looked up places nearby, hoping to find something at least slightly better. Jessica quickly found a place near the university called Egg Nation. It looked decent enough — reviews online were a bit mixed, but leaned positive. Of course, reviews were mixed at just about every café and restaurant in Almsworth.

She stood up slowly and gathered her purse and headed out the door. She decided to walk today, in spite of — or perhaps because of — the cold. Jessica had once stood outside in the rain at a protest against abortion; her heart hadn’t really been in it, but Malcolm’s was, and where he went, she had followed. Walking also gave her time to think of if there was anything else she could do, and to soak in the city, such as it was.

It took her awhile to walk there at her relatively slow pace, and she passed a couple of churches in the process and looked at them with a mix of longing and pain. Are any of them satellites of my old church? she briefly wondered before shaking it off. It was a life that she doubted ever would, could, or even should be hers again.

Eventually, she arrived at the restaurant, which was surprisingly busy, with a short line of people waiting. The customers were quite the mix of demographics, younger and older. People who had partied last night and people who probably came from services. It was bright and warm and happy inside, and she felt deeply out of place by herself, alone and filled with grief.

Still, she was hungry even before she walked here, and she didn’t feel like finding somewhere more in line with her mood. Jessica got in line and waited, although she wasn’t waiting long; there were some counter stools, and she didn’t need a table for herself.

She ordered a rather simple omelette, just some ham, veggies, and cheese thrown in. She sat there and ate quietly, soaking in the people around her. Some of the people in the room she was sure were some variety of LGBT, although she knew better than to ask any of them. A trio of young women at a table were clearly in love with each other, and she smiled in their general direction briefly, hoping they were happy.

When she had finished and paid, she stepped outside and started walking, forgetting to check directions on her phone first. It wasn’t long before she realized she had made at least one wrong turn, and she had not come this way on her way to breakfast.

She looked around at the buildings nearby and realized she had to be on the edge of the campus of The Royal College of Saint Almsworth; an eclectic campus even from this one spot near the edge. She didn’t know where Dorley Hall was on the campus — there had been a map, but she hadn’t bothered looking at it that close — and wasn’t entirely sure where she was right at this minute. Jessica could’ve pulled out her phone and found it, probably, but sometimes not knowing was nice.

She decided to just wander around the campus for a bit — not like she had any real leads of where to look. The campus was mostly quiet, there were some students out walking between buildings, but nothing like she knew a school day would be like. She passed an older quad, and a big brutalist spike of a building, seeing some rather contemporary buildings and some rather old.

She walked down by the lake, sat down on a bench and looked out over the water to think. Jessica saw some people out jogging — students, and one couple that she was sure were either a grad student or a professor. She sat there letting memories wash over her, unaware of the passage of time or people. A chill wind blew, and she remembered a holiday to the Lake District with James and Malcolm. They had all taken a dive into the absurdly frigid water of one of the lakes, only to immediately rush out and spend the next hour shivering under towels and blankets. She shivered involuntarily and stood, jamming her hands in her coat pockets.

She started walking again, slowly, away from the area she had entered campus and the lake. Jessica passed a rather sleek modernist building, and then a rather lumpy brown one that she was sure had a weird nickname. She came across what must be the Student Union Bar on what felt like the other edge of campus. A classic old pub but with a giant neon sign brightly lit, and warm lighting peaking out from its windows.

Her stomach rumbled and Jessica glanced at her watch, a birthday gift from her daughter so many years ago. It was a silly little thing, a Minnie Mouse watch. Malcolm had been angry — Disney was too liberal he said — but she had refused to reject a gift from… James, and he relented. She shivered again, and wished she had a name for her daughter.

She had definitely been walking around longer than she thought. The pub wasn’t too busy; it had already passed 1300, the lunch crowd fading, the dinner crowds not yet arrived. She took a table and ordered some coffee and food from a young waitress who was quite tall and strikingly pretty, just a burger and some chips, nothing fancy.

While she sat there and waited for her food, she glanced out the window. In the distance, there it was. The six-storey edifice of Dorley Hall. She smiled faintly. She hoped the girls living there were having a good, quiet Sunday. Jessica felt a strange compulsion drawing her to it. Just to see what it was like. And then her food arrived, and the compulsion was broken for a time, but every once in a while Dorley Hall pulled her attention like a magnet.

***

Ellen’s phone buzzed insistently for the umpteenth time today. What a fucking morning. Abby had been eating brunch at Egg Nation with Melissa and Shy after a night out last night when Jessica walked in and sat at the counter to get brunch. Suddenly, every sponsor’s phone lit up like a damn Christmas tree right at the start of Sunday lunch. She was nowhere near Dorley, and why would she come here? The panic was unneeded.

Then Maria, skiving off lunch today in favour of a jog with Edy, saw her down by the lakeshore on campus of all places! Why? So, that, of course, put everyone on an even higher level of alert, and they returned immediately. The duty sponsor started the basement door covers closing for some reason, but Sunday lunch was more or less over by that point. Ellen saw Stephanie and Mary quietly direct Sophia and Nerys up to the first floor behind its heavier locks, without explaining the real reason why to them.

Ellen smirked at the thought: Nerys, a first year regular programme participant, up on the first floor of all places. Just absolutely wild. She had said she would try to be along in a bit to help out upstairs, when another mass text came into the sponsors’ phones while she was in the kitchen helping clean up from lunch. Most of them were quietly shuffled out of the kitchen by their sponsors, up to the second floor as well at this one.

Katy had started working shifts at the Student Union Bar after she graduated, and while she wasn’t a sponsor, she had been told to keep an eye out for Jessica, without being told who she was or why. Just that if Katy saw her, to message the duty sponsor immediately where she was at and if she looked like she was headed towards Dorley.

Ellen had confirmed to the duty sponsor after the second-years left that she was in the kitchen and would hold there until further notice. Zoe and Nell had stayed behind as well to work on decorating a cake for Heather’s birthday. Not that there wasn’t a birthday every week here at least, but they wanted it to be more special than usual. Heather had been cleared to graduate at the end of March just yesterday, and they were planning a surprise party for tonight to celebrate both events.

Ellen groaned as she read yet another alert text with an update from Katy. “Shit,” Ellen muttered under her breath.

“What?” Nell asked, and looked up from helping Zoe with the icing.

“Check your phone, Nell,” Ellen said, waving hers.

Nell nodded and Zoe took a step back while she waited. Nell grabbed her phone and looked at the message that had been increasingly annoying. “Fuck,” Nell breathed slowly. “Is someone more senior on their way?”

Ellen unlocked her phone again and checked the main sponsor channel, which tended to be slightly noisy at the best of times, and today it was bedlam. The sponsors for this year’s intake had absolutely failed at keeping the secret from the other sponsors, although thankfully nothing had leaked to Sophia or the others in the basement as yet.

Ellen was silently thankful that Sophia didn’t have access to them like Stephanie had; there had been a lot of arguments about it the last few years. Becky had been granted similar access to Steph before she ‘washed out,’ but it had been somewhat limited after because it was felt that had been part of the problem. Katy had less access initially, but even as they gradually increased her access, she hadn’t really come quite on board the way Stephanie had. For Zoe, they ultimately decided not to let her or any future trans girls in the programme have as much access until after they had graduated. More like a second year approaching third than a third approaching recruitment to be a sponsor.

“Indira is in, but she was at the club and that would raise questions,” Ellen said, frowning. “Maria had to rush downstairs after her run to deal with Ramona, who’s being a pain again. Edy was off-duty today and had some errands she had to run immediately after getting back. Most of the others are off and not responding at the moment. Probably mostly sleeping off lunch still.”

“Shit. They aren’t going to try to dump this on us, are they?” Nell said, sounding nervous.

“Dump what?” Zoe asked quietly.

“Zoe, how about we put this in the fridge and let what we’ve done cure a bit,” Nell said, smiling. “We’ll get back to this later, plenty of time to finish before the party. Why don’t you go sit in the dining hall until we call you?”

“Sure, Nell,” Zoe said, her face full of curiosity, but she knew enough to not ask what was up — yet. She helped Nell move the cake into a spot they had cleared for it earlier, then went into the dining hall, shutting and locking the doors behind her.

Nell looked back to Ellen. “I repeat: They aren’t going to try to dump this on us, are they?”

Ellen grimaced, looking at the chat as various sponsors checked in as being unavailable. Donna finally chimed in she was awake from a post-Sunday lunch nap, and would be down shortly. Nell and Ellen both breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank fuck,” Nell said. “She hasn’t left the bar yet, right?”

“Katy’s last update was she was finishing eating, but she noticed her continuing to turn and look in the direction of Dorley.”

“This is so bad,” Nell said, shaking her head. “Why is she even looking here?”

Donna came bursting into the kitchen. “Okay, I’m here,” she said right as their phones all started beeping furiously. Ellen took one look at the text and groaned again.

In Dira's Name:

Katy’s latest update has Jessica leaving the bar and walking down the path towards Dorley.

“Shit,” Nell said. “I kept hoping she would veer off after lunch, head home.”

Donna looked at Nell. “Nell, why don’t you go take care of Zoe, and keep an eye on the door to the kitchen from the dining hall. Ellen? Hide the mugs, and are you willing to stay?”

“Sure, yeah, I’ll keep the curious away,” Nell said and headed into the dining hall and relocked them behind her.

Ellen was already furiously hiding mugs away, in cabinets, in drawers, under dishrags. “Yeah, I’ll stay, you shouldn’t have to do this alone. Do you think we’ll have to read her in?”

“God, I hope not,” Donna said quietly. “Just be near the doors in case we have to get them closed and locked quick.”

“Yeah, gotcha,” Ellen grimaced. She’d never had to help read someone in before, and she reallyhoped she wouldn’t have to today. Donna walked over to the doors into the entrance lobby and unlocked them and propped them open. Ellen took a last look at her phone and quickly silenced and muted everything.

“Are you ready for this?” Donna asked quietly, doing the same with her own phone.

“As ready as I can be anyway,” Ellen said, nodding.

Their phones buzzed one last time. They didn’t have to look because they saw her through the doors out on to campus. Jessica Whitaker, Sophia’s mum, had arrived at Dorley Hall.

Would it all look too arranged? Ellen started chatting with Donna about her classes, while Donna turned to work on cleaning up various dishes from the cake and the remnants of lunch. They were laughing and talking about various professors' eccentricities when there was a knock on the doorframe.

***

Jessica rapped on the frame of the door to the kitchen, and looked inside. It was quite a large kitchen, with more than enough room even with the AGA that occupied most of one wall. There was still plenty of room for a large kitchen table, some large sinks, an island and a commercial sized refrigerator. She could feel the warmth even standing in the doorway, residual heat from cooking what must have been a fairly nice meal, if the stack of dishes and cookware were any indication.

A young woman looked up from the sink, and another sitting at a table near the door. They had been chatting and laughing about something as she approached.

“Hello, apologies for the mess,” the one by the sink said. “Just cleaning up from lunch — is there anything we can help with? Direct you towards?”

“Oh, no worries about the mess,” Jessica said, smiling faintly. “I’m sure feeding the number of people that must live in such a large building is intense. And as for me… I don’t really know why I came here. To this building, or for that matter, Almsworth in general. A wild goose chase set off by a rumour of a hope, but I felt this weird pull to come see this place.”

“Oh?” The one by the sink asked. Jessica noted the pure, honest curiosity in her voice.

“I came here — to Almsworth — to look for someone — a friend, is what I’ve been telling people who ask. The truth is that I’m looking for my daughter, and I don’t think she’s here any more than any of the other places I’ve looked this weekend. An old acquaintance said she might be in Almsworth, or have been here, but that’s a lot of territory. I have no further leads to go on,” she said, and wobbled a bit. “Pardon me, would you maybe mind if I sat down? I’ve walked far more today than I’m used to.”

The seated one nodded and waved her over. “Sure, take a load off and warm yourself with the lingering heat from the AGA,” she said, patting a chair near hers.

“Thank you, and it is a lovely thing,” Jessica said in gazing at it. “I’m sure it can get quite warm in here.”

The one by the sink laughed, having turned away from the sink and leaning on it. “You don’t know the half of it,” she said, grinning before switching to a sad expression. “I’m sorry about your daughter, what’s her name? Never know, we might know someone who knows someone.”

“Oh. Uh. That’s where this gets harder,” Jessica said slowly. Was she really going to tell them? Did it really matter at this point if anyone knew? “I uh. I don’t know it.”

“Did she change it?” the one sitting near her asked.

Jessica let out a bitter half laugh, half choked sob. “She never told me. And I didn’t have the right to ask…” Jessica said, her voice trailing off. The two of them decided to let that hang for a bit, and then Jessica started to cry, rapidly descending into outright sobbing.

The one seated next to her leaned over a bit and rubbed her shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?” she asked quietly, genuine empathy filling her voice.

Jessica barked out another bitter laugh. “No. Not really. Not for years now. But it’s what I get for what I did.” her voice trailed off. Still hard to admit to it, she thought.

The other came over from the sink and sat on the other side of her. “Do you want to talk about it? We might not be able to help you find her, but we are good listeners.”

“We are,” the seated one said.

Jessica sobbed and choked out another pained laugh. “If I start, I might not be able to stop until I’ve said it all, I wouldn’t want to burden you…”

“It’s fine, really, we don’t mind,” sink girl said kindly.

“I… I wouldn’t even know where to start…” Jessica said quietly.

“How about at the beginning?” one of them asked.

“I… my daughter came out — was outed — as trans, a bit over three years ago on Christmas,” Jessica said, stumbling over her words. She hadn’t planned to tell anyone this ever, but she was so exhausted and couldn’t keep the filter running. “My husband — my ex-husband — took it badly. I… I didn’t just not stop it, I sided with Malcolm as he kicked hi… her out of our house on New Year’s Day. And I haven’t seen her since. A few months later, word got back to us, she had been living with a young man we knew from church. Who then kicked her out as soon as he learned through the grapevine why we had…”

Jessica paused, shuddering, sobbing. “When I separated from Malcolm the next February over it, I did look her up, I saw she had a job and a flat, and was surviving. I didn’t contact her, though, I didn’t have any right. What kind of mother kicks their child out just because she’s different? She didn’t need me in her life, messing things up again. I wasn’t ready to admit she was my daughter either, and that would’ve gone… badly. I was — am — still working through numerous things that Malcolm did to us both, and that I helped him do to her. And… then time passed, and I shut down. The longer it went on, the harder it was going to be, and I wasn’t strong enough…” Jessica broke down in tears again.

One of them settled for gently rubbing Jessica’s back as she cried, face down on the table. “I’m sure your daughter would’ve…” the sink girl finally said.

Jessica stopped sobbing long enough to interrupt her. “No!” she said sharply. “I could never even ask for forgiveness, I’ve no right! You don’t know!” Jessica said before collapsing into tears again.

“If it’s not too much,” sink girl said quietly. “Why did you come looking for her in Almsworth, of all places?” she asked kindly, taking the rebuke in stride.

“Back in December, her landlord reached out to tell me she had left with a short, cryptic and upsetting note,” Jessica said, tears flowing as she recalled it all again. “I was — still am, mostly — convinced that she took her own life; I can find no record of her since then. And then on Christmas Day, someone started messaging me, saying ‘we need to talk.’ I finally gave in, I figured if whoever it was murdered me, so be it.

“It turned out I vaguely knew hi… them,” Jessica said, stumbling briefly over Trev’s pronouns. “Their name is Trev and I probably shouldn’t say that, they are really private for reasons I don’t really understand, but who would you tell? Not like either of you ladies would know former spooks or whatever they were,” she said and chuckled. It was kind of a horrible sound out of her throat, sore and phlegmy from crying. “Anyway, we met in a café in Sheffield, and they told me that they thought she had been kidnapped, and maybe brought to Almsworth. I don’t understand why I believed them. They’ve probably been following me all weekend for a laugh. I’ll wind up on some horrible candid camera show or something.”

Sink girl rubbed her back again. “Just awful, leading a hurting mother on like that.”

“Yeah, well, I got to see Almsworth, so I guess it was worth it?” Jessica said, with a watery chuckle, which drew a genuine laugh from the seated girl.

“Well, if we see any nameless trans girls sans parents wandering around, we’ll see if they might be your daughter… Ms?”

“Jessica, Jessica’s fine, she would know that name,” she said quietly, wiping at her face with her sleeve. “Thank you, I probably should be going, I’ve already taken up more than enough of your time. And it’s okay, if you find her, you don’t have to tell her about me. Maybe someday I’ll be worthy of her forgiveness.”

Sink girl leaned over and pulled Jessica into a hug. “Jessica, my name’s Donna,” the sink girl said warmly.

“Thank you for listening to this old woman, Donna,” Jessica said smiling and sniffing back the phlegm. “I haven’t told anyone any of this before, it was… it was good to say it for once.”

“And my name’s Ellen,” the seated girl said. “It’s good to get this kind of thing out there. Bottling it up inside just makes it so much worse.”

“As for being worthy of forgiveness,” Donna said rubbing Jessica’s back a bit. “The only way is to keep trying to be better. Possibly you could volunteer to help at an LGBT center or something? Learn and help others, try to be there for others who don’t have family who have got their back.”

“That’s… that’s not a bad idea, thank you, Donna,” Jessica said, dabbing at her tears after the hug broke. “I guess coming here might actually have been worth it, it was good to talk about it for once.”

“I’m sure it was, are you sure you are okay to get back to wherever you are staying? I could give you a lift,” Donna offered quietly.

“Oh, that would be nice, I’m staying at the Travelodge, thank you.”

“Sure!” Donna said. She stood and went over to a rack of keys and grabbed a set. “If you’ll follow me to one of Saints’ finer car parks, I’ll have you back to your hotel in no time.”

“I hope you have a safe trip home,” Ellen said standing and smiling. “And Jessica? be kind to yourself.”

“I’ll try,” Jessica said. “Thank you, Ellen.” She followed Donna out of the doors and back onto the campus.

***

Once they were out of earshot, Ellen kicked the doorstop away and shut and relocked the doors into the lobby. She pulled out her phone, which she had put on silent right before Jessica walked in, and unlocked it. She started catching up on the sponsor channel about the conversation that had just happened and had every sponsor who wasn’t with a charge biting their nails as they watched. It honestly had gone as well as she could’ve hoped. Jessica had no reason to suspect her daughter was just upstairs, playing dress up with Ellen’s fiancée. She asked quickly in the channel if Stephanie had been sent the all-clear, and the duty sponsor quickly replied she had.

She unlocked the doors to the dining hall to find half a dozen sponsors sitting around, and no second or third years in sight. They were doing their usual, working on things on the nice big tables. A cheer went up as she entered. “Hey, no, don’t cheer, not for that,” she said with disgust and started heading for the stairs to her room to collapse. “Besides, Donna did most of it,” she muttered to herself as she started climbing. She pulled her phone out to text Stephanie to apologize; there was no chance she could keep a straight face around Sophia right now.

***

Nerys was seated looking out one of the windows in Sophia’s room at the campus. It was a fairly British winter day. Cold. Damp. Grey. She sighed longingly. The outdoors. So close and yet so far. She still wasn’t sure why they had come up here, although it was nice to see outdoors. Mary had insisted they try some more looks on Nerys right after Sunday lunch and Stephanie and Sophia agreed enthusiastically. So they shuffled her and Sophia up here, to the first floor — to Sophia’s other room.

She glanced back inside, looking at it, a corner room with windows that looked out at both the woods and the campus of Almsworth. She picked up on Mary being nervous that she was up here, though, and endeavoured to make the most of it. Nerys was looking towards campus, and could see the path away from the building towards campus off to one side.

They had already made her over, again, put her in a skirt and a top from Sophia’s wardrobe, and Mary took time to explain more about what the makeup did as she applied a fresh look. Nerys was holding it together, mostly, on the promise of out there. Someday. Next year, Mary said, but her time would come soon enough, and it both excited and scared her.

There hadn’t really been foot traffic along the path, which Nerys felt was understandable. The hall appeared to be on the edge of things, and it was, after all, Sunday afternoon. Could I scream for help? she wondered. Or beat on the glass and get herself rescued? She doubted it. Mary and Stephanie still had their tasers, and she would be out of sight of the window before she could even finish shouting “Help.” And besides, she wasn’t sure she even wanted rescuing at this point.

Eventually, she noticed a pair of people walking away from Dorley. Not people she recognized. She sighed as they walked. “Oh to be free to come and go like them,” she said quietly, without turning from the window.

“Like who?” Sophia asked from over at the vanity, with Stephanie explaining to her the finer points of how to do some look with makeup.

“Probably just some people from one of the upper floors,” Stephanie said.

“I want to go see! Maybe I’ll recognize one of them,” Sophia said, and Nerys turned to see her squirm away from Stephanie’s eyeliner pencil and grip. She got up and walked over to Nerys, and Nerys turned back to see that they were still just visible.

“Oh fiddlesticks, too far away now to tell who they might be,” Sophia said with a pout. Gosh, she’s cute, Nerys thought, smiling, even with her makeup incomplete. “Well, no matter, I’m ready to try that on the other side, Stephanie.”

Stephanie’s phone buzzed briefly and Nerys saw her glance at it, then turned immediately back to Sophia. “Sure, Soph, have a try.”

Mary looked at Nerys. “Nerys, I think it’s time you and I retreated. You’ve been very good today, this was an extra special treat,” Mary said, smiling.

Nerys nodded. “Thank you, Mary. See you later, Sophia?”

“See you later, Nerys!” Sophia called. She put her makeup pencil down though and jumped up and ran over and quickly gave Nerys a hug. “It’s better when you’re here, though.”

Nerys smiled and leaned forward and kissed Sophia on the cheek. “One hundred percent same, see you in the funny pages,” Nerys said with a smile and let Mary guide her back towards the basement and its lack of outside.

***

Stephanie fiddled idly with Sophia’s hair as she sat there, trying to get her eyeliner to match what Stephanie had done. After Mary had taken Nerys back towards the basement, she had managed to distract Sophia by reminding her of her unfinished eyeliner on one side.

Sophia leaned in and peered in the mirror closer. “There, I think I managed it,” she said triumphantly. “Okay Stephanie, spill,” Sophia demanded, “who were those two?”

“Which two?” Stephanie said, leaning in, finishing fussing with Sophias hair. “Nice job on the eyeliner, by the way.”

“Thanks, it’s a neat trick. And Steph, you know who I mean,” Sophia said, her exasperation seeping in. “And I know the building’s security has been ramping up as the day went. You brought us up here because aside from the basement, it has the strictest security and I saw the basement door cover was closing as we headed towards the stairs when we left the dining hall.”

“You aren’t wrong, Soph; it looked like it was Donna and someone,” Stephanie said, finding a barrette she liked with Sophia’s hair and putting it in. “And I don’t know who the other person was. And you aren’t wrong, they put the building on progressively stricter lockdowns today because whoever it was had wandered onto campus and ultimately into Dorley. Sometimes people who might know some tiny sliver about Dorley make their way here, and we have to redirect them. To get them to look elsewhere, or help them accept their loss.”

Stephanie wasn’t entirely positive it had been Jessica; the texts she’d been sent had mostly used various code words for levels of possible risk and location of that risk. It meant, though, that she wasn’t technically lying. Right now. About this one specific thing. She cringed inwardly and suppressed the urge to outwardly grimace, and hoped a good time to tell Sophia the truth would present itself without it blowing up in everyone’s faces.

“And if they won’t listen?” Sophia asked quietly. “Then you ‘disappear’ them?”

“Well, first we try to read them in,” Stephanie said. “Get them to sign an NDA, tell them some of our secrets, and hope that the NDA and other levers are enough to keep them from exposing us.”

“What kinds of people show up?” Sophia asked distantly, her eyes drifting towards the window.

“Oh, sometimes a relative, or sometimes a significant other,” Stephanie said, trying to sound casual about the kidnapping and torture ring she was complicit in. “Heck, I did back when I was looking for Melissa; I bounced off Maria in about ten seconds. It’s usually nothing to worry about, a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. They don’t generally know anything, most just have vague feelings, hints of a rumour of a veiled truth.”

“And when they know something more? Or are more insistent?” Sophia asked, frowning.

“Well, sometimes we get a Lorna, Shahida, or for that matter, a Hasan,” Stephanie said trying to figure out a way to distract her from this line of thinking.

“And when reading them in won’t dissuade them?”

Stephanie grimaced. “Yeah, that’s when Bea can become scary,” Stephanie said. “We try to avoid that at all costs. That doesn’t necessarily mean they disappear, but there are a lot of things she can bring to bear in service of protecting us.”

“Oh,” Sophia said shortly.

Stephanie knew they needed to get off this topic. “So, what did you think of having Nerys up here?”

“It was nice! I’m glad she got to see it,” Sophia said, smiling. “Although I do wonder if they thought about she looks different from when she came up before going back downstairs.”

Stephanie laughed. “There are days this place is a finely honed machine, and then there are days it is a three ring circus without a ringmaster.”

“Are there days it’s a finely honed machine? Really?” Sophia said with a smirk. “Or is it all just happenstance?”

“Hey! We found you, little miss anonymous closet dweller. And you did not give us much to go on!”

“Well, next time I’m trying to hide who I am from others, I guess I’ll have to ramp my paranoia up another few notches if you lot could find me,” Sophia said with a laugh before cutting it short. She realized what she had said and immediately looked apologetic towards Stephanie. “Sorry, I uh,” Sophia stammered out.

“I’m sorry if I scared you again with what Bea can or would do to protect us,” Stephanie said, understanding all too well.

“Yeah, no, I mean… but could we uh, talk about something else?”

“Like?”

“I uh, I have questions… about… uh…” Sophia stuttered out, her voice fading out. “Sex,” she whispered very quietly, her blush visible to her in the mirror under her makeup.

“Oh, well, uh, okay, moving from one highly loaded topic to the next today,” Stephanie said, sitting on the edge of Sophia’s bed. “Okay. Sex. What do you want to know?” She patted the bed next to her, and Sophia joined her after a moment’s hesitation.

“How, uh, how did you feel when, uh— Did Ellen ever…” Sophia said, and Stephanie saw her face go absolutely beet red.

“Is this about the time that Nerys touched you, and you broke down?” Stephanie asked, putting her arm around Sophia.

Sophia nodded affirmatively slowly, silently.

“Okay then sister, let’s talk about sex,” Stephanie said, smiling faintly. “I doubt it, but did your parents ever talk to you about it?” Stephanie got the expected negative head shake out of Sophia. “Did you get sex-ed at school?”

Sophia shook her head first no, then yes, then waggled her hand side to side. “My father lied to keep me home sick that week,” she said quietly. “He said it would fill my head with evil thoughts. The school insisted it was mandatory though and made me take the material anyway after school the next week. But the teacher was a member of the church, one I didn’t know…” Sophia’s voice trailed off.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Sophia,” Stephanie said with genuine emotion in her voice. She was firmly in the Nerys camp of wanting to punch at least her father. Every time she thought she had found all of Sophia’s trauma, there was more.

“It could’ve gone a lot worse. Instead of saying I kissed Suzy at a party, I could’ve said I wished I was wearing Suzy’s dress,” Sophia said with a grim laugh.

“Okay, did he teach you anything, though?”

“Not really. But I know some from the internet, and yes, I know that’s bad, believe me. But don’t worry, not all of it came from the stories I read and the anatomically impossible art some of them had. I know how sperm and eggs work, more or less. I know the basics of safe sex, but admittedly, I’ve never actually used a proph— a condom.”

“Yeah, the internet is kind of terrible for learning these things,” Stephanie said, smiling faintly. “I’m glad you at least know the basics, but we should talk more about specifics in the future.”

“Is it… is it really okay?” Sophia asked, and Stephanie saw her looking away again, the blush back.

“Sex? It can be a lot more than okay, but only if you both want it,” Stephanie said, smiling and squeezing Sophia’s shoulders. “And while I think you need to work past your hangups, you still get to set boundaries, okay?”

“But… how do I do that?” Sophia asked, frowning. “Like, I feel like if it weren’t for the hangups, I would lose myself to it, to sex.”

Stephanie laughed sweetly. “Sorry, it’s just that I know that’s not how it works. So look, sex can feel good, but your body and brain will in all likelihood come to an equilibrium about it,” she said, nodding. “Take, for instance, arousal due to how you look or the things you are wearing. You don’t just go around turned on all the time, do you?”

“No. But… the…” Sophia blushed really hard and curled into a ball in Stephanie’s arms. “The stories…”

“We haven’t really talked about them, have we?”

“No… I was scared that… that you would…” Sophia’s voice trailed off.

“Judge you? Abandon you?” Stephanie asked, arching an eyebrow. “Just because you read stories about people forcing guys to become women and maybe got aroused by that idea?”

Sophia nodded minutely.

“Sis, seriously, you know us by now, you’ve seen the mugs we make and laugh at,” she said and gently turned Sophia’s face to face her. “A lot of us have read some of those stories at one point or another. More than a couple of us have written some of those stories. But remember, they are just stories. Fiction. Fantasy. Real life isn’t like that. Having sex as a girl and enjoying it isn’t a bad thing. I enjoy it, a lot of our Sisters do. I have cis girlfriends who enjoy it. Autogynephilia is bullshit made up by a pseudoscience-pushing asshole so bad the Wachowski sisters have used him as the template for not one but two of their villains.

“Your parents and your church really did a number on you, but you get to be yourself now. No one’s going to come and take you away from getting to be who you are. There’s no judgement here for being who you are. So enjoy yourself, and if you enjoy sex, that’s okay, and if not, that’s okay too. Just remember, consent matters, and you or your partner can withdraw it at any time before or during. Also, communication — communicate with your partner openly and honestly about your needs and limits, even during.”

Sophia nodded. “Thanks, Stephanie,” she said quietly.

“Any time sis,” she said, kissing Sophia on her forehead. “Now, did you have other questions about sex? Now that you’ve been reminded that it’s okay to want it?”

Sophia shook her head. “Another time maybe?” she asked, smiling. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around it’s okay. I think I just want to go back downstairs and have a quiet afternoon with Nerys.”

Stephanie smiled and squeezed her tighter. “Any time I’m not in class, Soph. Before we go downstairs, though, let’s get you cleaned up a bit. You’ve got a bit of sad girl face going on.”

Stephanie helped her get cleaned up and into something slightly more casual — just some capris, cute socks and a cream faux tunic t-shirt with cute red flower motifs on it. They went back down towards the basement, and Stephanie deposited Sophia in the common room, where Nerys was waiting and greeted her warmly.

Stephanie smiled as they whispered quickly to each other, then immediately rushed past Stephanie towards the bedrooms. Stephanie smirked, and mentally wished them a good time, and made sure to stop even the backup loop of the cameras for Sophia’s room.

***

Sophia unlocked her door and pulled Nerys in eagerly. She stayed by the door and locked it and giggled, then joined Nerys on the bed, kissing her on the cheek. “Were you serious? Out there? You want to try again?” Nerys asked quietly.

Sophia nodded enthusiastically. “Stephanie and I talked about it some,” she said, grinning. “I want to try again, but uh, slowly.”

“Sure,” Nerys said. She leaned over and took Sophia’s chin and kissed her slowly. “Slowly like that?”

Sophia smiled sheepishly. “Yes, exactly like that,” she said, pushing forward for another kiss. Quicker this time. Nerys gladly reciprocated, pushing slowly, rotating Sophia under her. Sophia felt Nerys’s hand move from her chin to her chest, massaging it. She heard the camera’s in the room click quietly off, and knew they were alone.

She moaned as Nerys pushed on her breast; they had been sensitive since November, but she hadn’t played with them much, and it felt so good. What was it that Stephanie had said? Feeling good was fine so long as she consented, and holy crap did she consent, but she needed free of her clothing. She put a finger on Nerys’s mouth as she moved in to kiss again. “Help me out of my clothes first, please? They are kind of in our way,” Sophia said quietly.

Nerys nodded and pulled back, letting her rotate upright so Nerys could help with her top. Sophia quickly shuffled off her capris without even fully standing up, and rotated back under Nerys, her hand finding its way under Nerys’s top as soon as she was under her again.

Nerys increased the pace of her explorations slowly. Her hand working its way down from her chest towards her waist. Sophia gently put her hand on Nerys’s. “Please, keep it outside my knickers, okay? I’m… I’m… trying but…”

Nerys nodded and kissed her in confirmation. “It’s okay Sophia, really,” Nerys said smiling. “If that’s what works for you, then that’s what I’ll do for you.”

Sophia felt Nerys’s hand arrive there, and it stayed outside her knickers and the tucked-away reminder of her unlucky genetics, as she said she would. Nerys rubbed her, and she just about lost it there. She hadn’t ever really been touched like that before by anyone, and it felt so good.Nerys was treating her how she wanted to be treated, and it was all she had hoped for.

Sophia, in turn, started unbuttoning Nerys’s blouse, while kissing at her neck gently. She pushed her blouse back to expose her bra, and began to kiss down farther. Their passion grew and Sophia finally understood what it was like to be seen and felt how she really wanted.

She didn’t mind being the less aggressive of the two of them; she had never wanted to be in charge — she had always imagined herself the victim in those stories. But at the same time, Sophia could tell Nerys was nervous, and not entirely comfortable with her newfound power, and so Sophia helped her by guiding her to be on bottom. Nerys, while still more aggressive in going for what she wanted, seemed grateful to at least perceptually have less power for a bit.

By the time they were finished, the sheets were quite out of sorts, and they were laying there beside each other grinning and breathing hard. “Wow, Soph,” Nerys whispered quietly.

“Wow, indeed,” Sophia said quietly. “Thank you for listening to what I needed, Nerys.”

“How… how did you know I would rather not be on top?”

“I just… kind of did? You seemed a bit tense; did it help?”

Nerys laughed. “Yes, actually, it did, so thank you,” Nerys said and rotated to kiss Sophia again.

***

Jessica got back to her hotel and did a late checkout, intending to drive back to Sheffield tonight. It had been a strange weekend and a stranger day. The hall had a weird vibe to it; maybe that was all it was. Just a vibe.

Donna and she had talked a bit more on the way back to her Travelodge. Donna revealed she was trans, and while it wasn’t her place to forgive Jessica, she was glad that she was at least doing the work.

She lugged her bag out and heaved it into the boot of her car and got in the car. She pulled out her phone to load up directions and there was a new missed text from an unknown caller. Jessica sighed. It was Trev, probably.

unknown: What the hell did you say and to who in Almsworth?? I’m going away, don’t ever try to contact me again.

What the fuck? She hadn’t said anything to anyone about Trev? Except Donna and Ellen at Dorley Hall, she thought. What the hell? Then her phone buzzed again.

Boss: You are going to be in tomorrow, right? We’re shorthanded enough with you here.

Shit, she thought, no time to rush back to Dorley and demand explanations right now, she had taken Friday off ’sick’ to get here as it was. Besides, it was probably nothing — just like this entire weekend had been. A trip she needed to take, but the destination wasn’t Almsworth, or for that matter Dorley. Nor was finding her daughter the true goal — starting to come to terms with her own failings was what really mattered. She’d said it to someone for once, her shame, her nightmare, and that was worth it.

Jessica: feeling much better, will be in tomorrow!

She put the car in gear and started heading out of the crummy little town known as Almsworth and up on to the motorway back to her crummy little town of Sheffield.