Chapter 20: Hmm. Upgrades.

2024 February 23, Friday

Seven days, Sophia thought, laying on her bed staring at the ceiling. Seven days, that’s all that remains. Nerys was sleeping beside her; they spent about half their nights together now. Sleep had been hard to come by still sometimes, but Stephanie had gotten her progesterone to take and that was helping, albeit her dreams had become weird. At least they weren’t the nightmares anymore, though.

She knew there was another medical exam scheduled this week in advance of the orchis starting. Hers was going to be first, and she wondered how the boys would react to that. There had apparently been significant debate among the senior sponsors as to when it would be most effective to have the self-aware trans girl go in the order, with no resolution. In the absence of consensus, they had settled on first — as both a reward for the girl and to help her act as a Judas goat. Show the others that it could be survived.

She felt a bit guilty about it all still — Katy and Zoe had assured her that was normal, and that the boys, and she, would get through it. Even Nerys had been telling her it was okay for her to want this. Hell, Nerys had asked Mary what date hers was scheduled for. Mary wouldn’t tell Nerys, and Stephanie wouldn’t tell Sophia yet either. Stephanie had told Sophia privately later that day that she would know a bit early, so she could be ready to help Nerys through it.

Nerys mumbled in her sleep and shifted a bit, but she immediately calmed back down. Sophia picked up her phone off the bedside table, unlocked the unrestricted Consensus, and dropped into a channel she was in with just the other self-aware trans girls: Becky, Katy, Zoe, and Stephanie. She knew at least Zoe and Stephanie would be up, they usually woke early. Sophia was surprised though to see both Becky and Katy marked as online — neither of them were really morning people.

Sophia:

T-7 days!!

Zoe:

Time flies! Almost there! And a laser session soon too, right?

Sophia:

Yeah, uh, laser Monday after the orchi I think

Becky:

Woo! I’m happy for you!

Katy:

🥳🥳🥳

Becky:

You remain amazing to me Soph, really

Sophia:

Becky! When are you coming to the hall, I still haven’t gotten to meet you.

Becky:

Oh, uh, Easter? I think I agreed to come Easter Sunday, it’s lower key than the others by far.

Sophia:

Bah! That’s a whole month away, but okay, looking forward!

Becky:

I just want to meet the girl who got an actualizing regular programme participant upstairs for freaking Christmas Eve, and wearing a dress to boot. Holy shit girl. Will Nerys be at Easter lunch too?

Sophia:

Uhh… @basement dweller… will Nerys be allowed upstairs for Easter?

basement dweller:

huh, what, of course?

I can’t see why not…

she’s cooperating, and I think she can understand best behaviour

her NPH isn’t remotely started yet

but we would keep her away from anyone who isn’t disclosed anyway

Mary gets the final say though

Sophia:

Yay! I’ll pester Mary about it later.

basement dweller:

lol

I doubt you’ll need to

oh, wait

when is easter this year?

Becky:

If my calendar is right, March 29th is Good Friday, so Easter is the 31st?

basement dweller:

:|

Uh, we’ll see how things go then

I thought it would be like last year and well into April

The orchis can be rough

even for girls who have started actualizing

Sophia:

Oh. Right.

Becky:

This fucking place, this is why I don’t come back more often.

Nerys stirred beside her more persistently, and Sophia quickly sent a message.

Sophia:

GTG, Nerys waking up

basement dweller:

Soph…

what did I tell you about unlocked consensus when Nerys was in your room?

Sophia:

That you’d take my balls if she saw something, oh wait! You’re doing that anyway 😜, SEVEN DAYS. WOO! Laters!

Sophia giggled and locked Consensus back down and turned to face Nerys. “Who were you chatting with, Soph?” Nerys asked quietly, faintly smiling.

“Oh, just my sisters,” Sophia said, smiling and kissed Nerys’s forehead.

“How are they?” Nerys asked. Sophia didn’t keep much in the way of secrets from Nerys, and that she had additional access wasn’t that big a secret, nor that she considered the self-aware trans girls her sisters.

“Excited for me,” Sophia said, smiling. “And Becky asked after you — she wants to meet you.”

“Oh, Becky, the trans girl who skipped the first year, right? Graduated?” Nerys asked. “Why would she want to meet me?”

“She’s just like all our other Sisters —” Sophia said, smiling, “—fascinated by your progress. She’ll be coming to Easter lunch.”

“That’s in, like, a month, or so, right?”

“A bit over, yeah,” Sophia said, nodding. “But only if you’d like to — I know we can be a lot when we’re together.”

“No, uh, it’s fine, besides, she had the sense to get out of the basement while the getting was good,” Nerys said smirking. “She’s probably got interesting and/or terrible tales about that.”

Sophia giggled. “Likely, but maybe be careful, she still views her time in the programme as…” Sophia paused, considering her words, “unpleasant.”

“I mean, same,” Nerys said, giggling and leaning forward to kiss Sophia. “Just soooo unpleasant.”

Sophia laughed and rotated up on to one elbow. “So, shall we brave the showers before breakfast?”

“Sure,” Nerys said with a grin.

2024 February 27, Tuesday

Only two more days to go, Sophia thought as she laid down on her bed alone. Today had been a lot, and Nerys decided she wanted to sleep alone. The medical exams had been today and Sophia couldn’t wait! The surgeon had given her the all clear, and Sophia wished she could’ve just done it today.

Right after breakfast, the sponsors had herded them into their rooms, and Mary told Nerys that Sophia would be allowed to be with her after her own was done. Sophia and Stephanie sat on Sophia’s bed and waited for the surgeon to arrive.

“How are you doing?” Stephanie asked, putting her arm around Sophia.

Sophia grinned big. “Amazing,” she said. “Can’t wait to meet the surgeon.”

Stephanie laughed. “She’s a character,” she said, squeezing Sophia’s shoulder. “I think you’ll like her.”

It wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door. “Come on in,” Sophia called. “I’m ready!”

Rabia pushed the door open and came in, grinning. “Morning, Soph!” she said brightly.

“Good morning, Rabia,” Sophia said brightly as another woman came into the room. She was of average height — for a Dorley girl, anyway — and her shoulder-length auburn hair was tied back in a simple ponytail. She was carrying a large travel mug and wearing dark grey scrubs.

“Stephanie!” the newcomer said brightly. “My favorite Sister!”

Stephanie laughed. “It’s good to see you, Katherine,” she said, standing and offering a hug, which the surgeon quickly accepted. “How are the kids?”

“Oh, fine. You know, running around like chickens without heads, but I love ‘em,” she said brightly. She released the hug and turned to face Sophia. “And you must be Sophia! I’m Katherine.”

Sophia waved timidly, curling her fingers. “That’s me,” she said. “You’re the surgeon?”

“Yup!” Katherine said grinning. “Oh, wait, here,” she said, turning the mug around so that Sophia could read it.

Sophia’s jaw dropped open at the text, I Take Balls with a pair of cherries and a scissor icon over them. She had to suppress the urge to giggle, though, which made her slightly upset. Maybe I’m slowly becoming a convert, she thought and shivered. “Is that… is that wise? Isn’t that, like, a risk to have that?” Sophia asked finally.

Katherine laughed. “Sweetie, I’m a urological surgeon,” she said, grinning. “I literally do it almost every day. And surgeons are such a bunch of boys, this is honestly tame humour for my colleagues. I’ve got a brain surgeon coworker that has a mug that says ‘I eat brains.’”

Stephanie laughed. “Got any new recommendations?”

Katherine looked shocked and hurt. “Steph! I’m a professional — I don’t basement surgeons just because they are a bunch of misogynistic assholes. I leave that to Maria!”

Sophia chuckled nervously. “Oh,” she squeaked out.

Katherine grinned. “Joking aside, I’d never do that to a colleague; I just have pull with the chief surgeon. If they get too out of line, they get the worst assignments.”

Stephanie grinned. “How many months did Josh wind up on late nights?”

“Like, four? No, six, because about a month in he mouthed off again, and he got another couple of months. He behaves now! He was at my youngest’s christening, and he brought a very thoughtful gift.”

Rabia cleared her throat. “Sorry, it's just I’ve got a shift this afternoon,” she said apologetically.

“Oh geez, right, can’t stand around chattering all day long when there are boys to geld!” Katherine said with a smirk before proceeding to get to work.

Katherine and Rabia quickly did the basics of the checkup, including another blood draw, and then had Stephanie turn around while she briefly explained what she was checking for with a visual inspection. She had Sophia pull her shorts and knickers down and quickly checked what she needed to without word, and then gestured for her to pull her shorts back up.

And just like that, they moved on to the next room. “Can I go be with Nerys now?” she asked Stephanie quietly when the others had left.

“Sure,” Stephanie said. “I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Probably!” Sophia said, grinning as she headed across to Nerys’s door. She knocked quietly. “Nerys, can I come in?”

“Of course!” Nerys called brightly and Sophia pushed the door open. Mary switched from the bed to the desk chair quickly, and Sophia sat next to Nerys. They leaned together and kissed briefly. “So, how did it go?”

“It went great!” Sophia said before her face twisted a bit. “She can be a lot, though.”

“Who, Katherine?” Mary asked.

“Yeah,” Sophia said, nodding.

“Yeah, she’s like that with the self-aware ones,” Mary said, nodding. “The others, if it's like my year, she’s more clinical.”

“Oh. Do I count as self-aware?” Nerys asked.

“Uh, probably,” Mary said. “I did; Evelyn didn’t.”

“Oh,” Nerys said quietly. “Uh…”

Mary smiled faintly. “It’s okay, she knows. I made sure to tell her this is hard for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” Nerys said, smiling faintly and squeezing Sophia’s hand.

They sat there mostly in silence for a bit, and then there was a bit of a commotion in the hallway. “Oh, what’s that?” Nerys asked, nerves in her voice coming back through.

Mary frowned briefly. “That will be Randal —“ she glanced at her phone. “No, sorry, it’s Grantgetting a trip to the cells.”

Nerys whimpered quietly.

“Whoa, hey,” Sophia said, squeezing her hand and hugging her girlfriend. “It’s going to be okay, that’s not going to happen to you, I’m here.”

“And so am I,” Mary said. “It will be okay.”

Nerys nodded quietly. Mary suggested they put on some music, and they listened to 1989 (Taylor’s Version) while they waited. It wasn’t too long before someone knocked at the door.

“Nerys,” Rabia called. “Are you ready?”

Nerys shook her head no, then yes, then shrugged. Sophia took the hint. “We’re in here, Rabia,” she called. “And, uh, Nerys is as ready as she can be.”

Rabia pushed the door open slowly. “Morning, Nerys,” she said quietly as Katherine entered the room. “And this, Nerys, is Katherine, the surgeon.”

“He… hello,” Nerys stuttered out, putting herself behind Sophia a bit and peaking out around her head.

“Hello, Nerys,” Katherine said, smiling brightly. “I understand you have a perfectly reasonable fear of surgery.”

“Y… yes,” Nerys said quietly. “My… my mum —“ she choked a sob.

“I’ve read her file,” Katherine said. “I know what happened. You don’t need to worry about it happening to you,” she said, sitting down in the rolling chair that Mary had vacated.

Nerys was still trying to hide behind Sophia, but Sophia felt her nod. “Okay,” she said quietly.

Rabia bent down a bit. “I’m going to do the regular checkup things now,” she said, smiling. Sophia felt Nerys nod behind her again and pull out from behind her a bit. Nerys let Rabia and Katherine do the usual things, blood pressure, pulse, weight, and so on. She seemed to calm down as it went on, and then it was time. Katherine had her pull her pants down and Sophia hid her eyes briefly even though she’d seen what Nerys had — no sense making her feel more exposed right now. And then she was pulling them back up.

Katherine proceeded to explain the procedure in fairly simple but clinical terms, and Nerys sat there nodding slowly but also retreating behind Sophia as she went on. And then Katherine and Rabia were gone and Sophia was left sitting there hugging Nerys and whispering “it’s okay” and “you’ll be fine”.

It wasn’t too long before Stephanie knocked on the door and came in after Nerys nodded and Sophia passed along her consent. “Hello, Nerys,” Stephanie said. “How did it go?”

“It, uh, went,” she said quietly. “How… how did the others take it?”

“Well, Grant got a trip to the cells when he tried to rush Katherine during the explanation,” Stephanie said. “Owen and Randal got time-outs and are sitting on their beds cuffed for the afternoon. Derek and Carl honestly took it a lot better than we expected.”

“That’s good,” Nerys said quietly. “I guess.”

“What do you two want to get up to this afternoon?” Stephanie said. “We could go upstairs, have a girls' day?”

Nerys shook her head no. “I think I just want to stay here with Sophia for now,” she said quietly.

“Sure,” Mary said. “If you want to talk, please ping us — either of us.”

“Absolutely,” Stephanie said, smiling.

They sat there together, Nerys slowly calming down as they watched cartoons, with breaks to eat a veggie burger lunch and a dinner of fish and chips delivered by the dumbwaiter. But at the end of the day, Nerys quietly asked to spend the night alone, and Sophia kissed her goodnight before returning to her own room for the night. She laid down and tried to clear her mind, and eventually, she fell into a slightly uneasy sleep.

2016 October

James sat on his bed late that night, later than he was supposed to be up, reading on his school-issued laptop. A classmate had shared around a way to get around some restrictions the school placed on the computer, allowing him to install a browser that claimed to securely anonymize what he searched and viewed online.

He wasn’t entirely sure he believed that it worked, but so far, neither his parents nor school had said anything about it. He’d been using it for a month now without issue. As soon as he had installed it, he started searching for stories or anything about wanting to wear women’s clothes, wanting to be a girl. Things that he knew he wanted — needed — but couldn’t entirely put into words. He stumbled upon a site filled with stories about men being turned into women, and okay, they were badly written, not realistic, and definitely fiction, but he was hooked. He stayed up most nights now reading, longing for what these characters were being forced through.

The stories elicited excited feelings in him that he didn’t really fully understand at the time. Feelings that some of his boy classmates joked about at times; he had never really understood but had to pretend he did for appearance’s sake. Occasionally, he had tried to think about the things they said made them feel this way, and he felt nothing. But these stories? They excitedhim.

But he knew there was no way he could discuss it with anyone. Not his parent-approved friends at church and school, not his parents, certainly not the youth pastor. There was a kid a year before who got caught looking at gay porn, and he was sent away for a few months, and when he came back, he was… different. Dead inside. Lifeless. The adults all praised his progress, and he put on a cheerful attitude around them, but James caught plenty of glimpses of his reality.

Last night, he had found a story that was different from the others. It wasn’t the usual degradation and humiliation heaped upon the hapless man-turned-woman — it was about a trans woman, and the woman helping her become herself. Sure, there were still some elements of force and coercion, but the trans woman wanted it. It was the first time he’d ever really thought about trans people, besides, like, the occasional one that got talked about on the news — which his parents flipped away from quickly if they were around when they came on. His dad would mutter about the degenerates for days after, usually.

Tonight he was trying to read about trans people for real — maybe that was what he was? — but he came across a word and its description: autogynephilia. Guys who are turned on by thinking of themselves as women. Perverts. Freaks. He immediately shut the page and closed the laptop, tossing it aside harder than he probably should’ve. He rotated over and picked up his pillow and held it over his mouth and screamed, hoping the pillow would muffle it enough that his parents wouldn’t hear it. James felt his hot tears staining the pillow when he had screamed himself out. He wasn’t trans, just a pervert. Just like everyone always said people like him were.

2024 February 29, Thursday

Tomorrow. The word echoed in Sophia’s head as she sat staring vacantly at the lasagne on her plate. She’d been drifting off a lot lately. Nerys must have noticed, because she leaned over and nuzzled at Sophia’s neck briefly. Distantly, she heard Randal groan a bit, and she smiled faintly. She picked her fork back up and cut off another bite. “What’s on your mind, Pinkie?” Nerys quietly asked, her head still leaning on Sophia’s shoulder.

“Oh, just lost in thoughts, Rainbow,” she said and ate the bite of lasagne.

“Excited?” Nerys asked.

Sophia smiled broadly and quickly cut off another bite. “Over the moon,” she said brightly.

“Oh, come on,” Randal said, his exasperation with her clear. “You’ve been floating on cloud fucking nine all week. What the hell could you be so excited about down here? You already go upstairs just about whenever you please.”

Sophia glanced quickly over at Stephanie, who was standing over by the wall, who shook her head no minutely. “A new dress is supposed to come tomorrow,” she said, smiling. “Can’t wait to show you all!”

“You’re lying about something,” Randal said, glaring. “But whatever, I don’t care enough to try to piece it together. Enjoy your new ‘dress.’” Randal made explicit finger quotes before going back to his lasagne.

Derek was sitting between the two ends of the table and glanced briefly at Sophia and smiled and then quickly winked, outside the line of site of Randal. Huh, Sophia thought. She took another couple bites and finally Randal stood, put his plate in the tray, and headed into the common room. Owen was still sitting by Derek even though he had finished his lasagne and clearly waiting on Derek. Derek turned to him, and they whispered back and forth quickly. Owen looked annoyed and hurt but stood and headed into the common room.

“Okay, so, you aren’t going to tell Randal, but it’s the orchi, right?” Derek said quietly. “Your… your orchi is tomorrow, I’m betting.”

Sophia glanced over at Stephanie again, which was probably plenty of confirmation on its own, and then Stephanie stepped away from the wall and sat at the table across from Derek. She glanced at Maria, who nodded and headed into the common room and stood watch, while Monica shifted to the inside of the door to the hallway.

When she had left, Stephanie turned back to Derek. “You are correct,” Stephanie said. “However —“

“— If you tell the others, I’ll consider it a strike,” Monica said, interrupting. “This is personal medical info.”

“Whe… when is mine?” Derek asked slowly, unsteady.

“I’m sorry, Derek,” Monica said. “I can’t tell you.”

“Yeah, okay,” Derek said slowly. “I, uh, good luck then Sophia, I guess it seems like something you want.”

Sophia smiled brightly at him. “Yeah, Derek, I do,” she said. “More than anything.”

“Are you trans? It just… just seems like —” Derek trailed off as if deciding whether to say what he wanted to. “It seems like you adapted to this awfully quick, even considering Nerys’s acquiescence to the programme.”

Sophia nodded slowly, she had already told Stephanie she wouldn’t hide it if asked directly. “Yes, Derek, I’m trans.”

“Oh, okay. I don’t know why it even matters to me,” Derek said quietly. “Not like we aren’t all going to be trans in a way in the end.”

“That’s one way to look at it, Derek,” Monica said, sitting next to Derek. “How do you feel about that?”

Derek shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. Me being a guy was a problem, but being a woman? I don’t know.”

“That’s fair,” Monica said, smiling. “Why don’t you go out and enjoy your afternoon with the others, Derek?”

“Yeah, and don’t worry, won’t tell any of them,” he said, nodding. “Well. If Owen asks…”

“You don’t like lying to him, I get it,” Monica said calmly. ”Don’t feel the need to lie if asked directly by Owen. Go on, Derek.” He nodded and stood and left to the common room.

“Is that really, okay?” Sophia said nervously. “Wouldn’t Owen tell everyone if he knew?”

“Actually, Edy and I talked about it,” Monica said, smiling at Sophia. “We’re considering it a test for Owen. We decided if and when Owen learns about you, it will be a good test of how well he’s doing.”

“With Sophia being outed as trans to the whole basement as the table stakes?” Nerys said, sounding annoyed. “Really?”

“Yes, Nerys,” Monica said. “Maria has said Randal figured some of it out but hasn’t bothered saying anything, and we don’t feel Grant and Carl really care about her being Sophia one way or another.”

“And Randal has been chatting with Derek and Owen some, what if Owen confirms it to him?” Nerys said, scrunching her face up at the thought.

“I’m sure it will be fine, Nerys,” Sophia said, smiling faintly and patting Nerys’s hand lightly. “Worst case, you have to visit me upstairs rather than me being down here, but I highly doubt it will come to that.”

“I can think of some far worse cases,” Nerys said, pouting. “But what’s done is done.”

“You two should head on out there and hang out with the others, enjoy your day,” Stephanie said, smiling. “And Soph? It’s tomorrow! It’s here — you made it!”

“Hooray!” Sophia said, standing and offering her hand to Nerys, who smiled and took ahold of it. “Can’t wait.”

2024 March 1, Friday

Sophia hadn’t slept a wink. Rabia, the surgeon, and Stephanie had all urged her to get to bed early and get a good night’s sleep, but nothing had helped. Not the progesterone, nor any of the techniques she knew for clearing her mind, for slowing her breathing and heart-rate; they all proved insufficient to the task. She tossed and turned, she watched a movie (several, really), she zoned out a few times, but she never really lost consciousness.

She picked up her phone and glanced at the clock on it. It was still only 0700 — too early — so she laid there half-listening to music quietly. Nerys would’ve been there, cuddling with her, but she had decided she wanted time alone before this morning. Maybe with her girlfriend here she would’ve slept better, but likely she would’ve just kept Nerys up with her, which wouldn’t have done either of them any good. She was thirsty and hungry, but she had been told to ingest nothing after midnight.

The album that she was only kind of listening to finished playing, and she knew she needed to shower this morning at some point. Might as well just get it over with. She sighed and rotated upright slowly, grabbed her shower kit. Then she walked out into the hall and towards the shower annexe, bleary-eyed and wishing that it would just already be over, so she could go back to bed and maybe finally get some sleep.

Sophia got to the annexe and heard the shower running and paused before entering. “Who’s in there?” she called out, her anxiety clear in her voice. She was pleased, though, that she managed to maintain head voice fairly well.

“Oh, uh, it’s just me,” Randal called out. She nearly bolted back to her room, but he quickly continued, “Don’t worry, I’m finishing up. I don’t want any trouble with you or the sponsors.”

The shower head shut off and before too long he was coming out of the annexe, robe wrapped tightly around his obviously puffy chest. “I think I figured it out, by the way, why you’re so happy,” he said as he headed over to the sinks. “Your orchiectomy is today, isn’t it?” Sophia wasn’t sure how to respond and stood there stunned, which he took as a response in the affirmative. “Yeah, thought as much,” he said, getting his toothbrush ready to brush his teeth. “Good luck, I guess.”

Sophia blinked her eyes in shock and stood speechless for a moment. “Thanks, Randal,” Sophia said, finally finding words.

“Yeah, whatever,” Randal said. He put the toothbrush in his mouth and started to brush.

Sophia walked into the shower slowly, quietly. She undressed and turned on a shower head, stepping under the water. She had barely started when Nerys came noisily into the annexe. “Holy crap, Pinkie, did you run into Randal on your way in?” she asked nervously.

Sophia laughed. “Well, not ‘run into,’ but yeah, he was finishing up as I came in,” she said, smiling at her girlfriend from under the shower head. They had stopped sheepishly not looking at each other as they showered quite a while back, and she loved her girlfriend. “He knows my orchi’s today, and then… he wished me luck. It was disconcerting, honestly.”

“Oh, huh, did you tell him?” Nerys asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I, uh, I’m not a great liar as it turns out!” Sophia said, laughing loudly.

Nerys laughed loudly enough Randal called from outside the shower annexe “Would you two mind keeping it down in there? I swear.” Sophia could hear his eyes roll from through the walls.

“You really aren’t, Pinkie,” Nerys said, giggling, but quieter.

They laughed and chatted through their shower, splashing each other, squealing, hugging, kissing, until Derek called into the annexe, “Are you two girls going to ever finish in there?” prompting another fit of giggles. She finished by washing with the antiseptic rinse they wanted her to use, and then dried off and threw her robe on.

“All yours, boys,” Sophia said, winking as she walked out of the annexe. Derek barked a laugh and Owen looked slightly confused. Sophia and Nerys spent some time at the sinks brushing their teeth, before heading back to their respective rooms to change.

“I’ll see you at breakfast?” Sophia asked quietly before they split to their rooms. “I’m just going to listen to music until Steph comes down.”

“Oh, of course,” Nerys said, smiling and kissing her on the cheek.

She got dressed — well, as dressed as she needed to be for this morning. She decided to do some light makeup; she wanted to look nice.

It was still only 0800, but she knew that Stephanie wouldn’t be coming for her for about half an hour still, so she put on Emotion again. There was a knock at her door as Boy Problems started playing. “Hey you, you want company?” Nerys called through the door.

Sophia smiled brightly; she had had her break, and now she just wanted Nerys there. “Absolutely!” she called, and went over to the door and unlocked it to see Nerys standing there in a simple but pretty t-shirt dress. They had just sat down on the bed next to each other when Stephanie rapped her standard coded knock on the door next. “Come on in, Steph, door’s unlocked,” Sophia called.

Stephanie poked her head into the room. “Hey, you two!” she said brightly. “You want to head upstairs a bit early? Do breakfast up there? Well, Nerys can anyway, if Sophia doesn’t mind being around food she can’t eat.”

“Oh, wow,” Nerys asked, grinning. “Something besides Weetabix?”

Stephanie laughed. “Yes, Nerys, there will be something besides Weetabix.”

“And I don’t mind — I’ll eat a nice lunch, it’s fine,” Sophia said smiling, and her stomach rumbled in response. “Well, okay, it’s not completely fine, but also, I’ll live without food for this.”

Stephanie led the way upstairs and Mary joined them at the first basement, and they climbed the last flight together. When they got to the dining hall, Sophia noticed Stephanie and Mary grinning and winking at each other as they unlocked the doors. “Okay, you two goofs, what did you do?” she asked, arching an eyebrow before they actually pushed the doors open.

“Nothing!” Stephanie said, grinning.

Stephanie and Mary pushed the doors open together, stepping into the dining hall, and Sophia had to laugh at the initial sight of it. The room was filled with every girl she’d ever seen in the hall and then some. ‘Happy Orchi Sophia!’ a large banner over the door to the kitchen read, and most of the girls stood around it grinning. Katie was holding the strings leading to a pair of pink balloons and then Zoe jammed a pin into them, popping them, releasing some confetti. Immediately the assembled girls cheered loudly, brightly, holding a variety of terrible mugs aloft.

Sophia laughed loudly at the assembled girls. “Thank you, all, really,” Sophia said. She dipped into a curtsey with her robe and grinned broadly at them when she was back upright. “I couldn’t have done this without all of you, and I really mean that!”

Stephanie and Mary guided Sophia and Nerys to the biggest table in the room, and as she sat, she realized Aunt Bea was sitting opposite them. “Good morning, Sophia,” Aunt Bea said brightly. “I take it you are eagerly awaiting today’s procedure?”

Sophia smiled broadly at her so-called captor. “I am, Aunt Bea,” she said, pushing her voice as far forward in her mouth as she could and laughed brightly. “It’s like a giant weight’s about to be lifted from me, and it already feels gone.”

Aunt Bea smiled and sipped at her mug, which Sophia realized was the same chunky gray one she’d been drinking from when she met her in the kitchen months ago. “I’m pleased we can help you with it,” Aunt Bea said, smiling at Sophia and turning slightly towards Nerys. “And good morning to you as well, young Miss Langford. How are you feeling about this? I’ve been told you have some concerns about the operation.”

“I, uh, I’m still nervous about it. I’ve never had general anesthetic, or surgery,” Nerys said slowly. “And uh, you know, never mind. It’s okay, I’m fine with it.” Sophia took one of her hands and squeezed it. Sophia had explained who Aunt Bea was after Christmas Eve, and she knew that Nerys was slightly scared of the people in charge of the programme.

“It’s okay, dear, you can speak your mind to me. What makes you nervous?” Aunt Bea said, smiling in a way that Sophia couldn’t decide if it was empathetically or predatory.

“Mum worked in a hospital, until the, uh, the incident, and the idea of surgery terrifies me, but also…” Nerys said slowly, pausing to consider her words. She bit her lip a bit, and Sophia loved it when she did that. “I want it, and I want to know when it will be, but it scares me.”

“Hmm,” Aunt Bea said. “Mary, what did we decide on informing Miss Langford of when her orchi would be?”

“We had agreed we wouldn’t tell her in advance, Aunt Bea,” Mary said calmly, with just the barest hint of tension. Sophia wondered briefly how annoyed she really was at Bea interfering — again, no less. Stephanie had told her the real reason Mary had been short with them the morning after Valentine’s Day, and Sophia had been cranky the whole rest of the day. Mary came and talked to her that evening, and told her that they were working things out like adults.

“Then, for the moment, I’m afraid you must remain in the dark, dear,” Aunt Bea said apologetically, looking at Nerys with seemingly genuine concern for her. “However, I understand that with your history, that might be harder for you than it needs to be, especially given your progress already. What do you think, Mary? Could we give her twenty-four hours warning of her date?”

“That seems reasonable, if you agree not to tell any of the boys after you know,” Mary said, looking at Nerys with a faint smile.

Nerys looked up from a plate of food that had just been set in front of her by a second year who was flitting about. “I understand. That will help me a lot,” she said, smiling at Aunt Bea then Mary. “Thank you, uh, Aunt Bea, and Mary, I really do appreciate it a lot.”

“You’re quite welcome, Miss Langford,” Aunt Bea said, smiling warmly.

“Oh!” Sophia said suddenly. “Uh, Randal knows today’s my orchi, nearly ran into him in the showers, and he had figured it out and I, uh, I’m bad at lying, apparently.”

The table all laughed except for Aunt Bea, who merely grinned broadly. “You are just awful at it, dear,” she said, chuckling. “Soon enough, though, all the lies will be done with, and you will be your true self.”

Sophia sat there laughing and chatting with the others until she saw Rabia push the basement doors open and wave. Behind her, Katherine stepped into the room and gave a little finger wave too. “Okay, kiddo,” Stephanie said, smiling at Sophia as she stood. “It’s time to get ready. And don’t worry, Nerys — we’ll bring you down shortly, so you can wait with her.”

Sophia stood and leaned over and kissed Nerys on the top of her head. “See you in just a bit, Rainbow,” she said quietly and turned to follow Stephanie, Rabia, and Katherine back into the basement. Katherine went to make sure the OR was ready and scrub up, so Rabia took her into a recovery room to help her get ready. Gown, mask, hair cap and so on. Rabia cleaned the incision site, smiling apologetically as she quickly covered Sophia back up.

Then Rabia left her and Stephanie alone for a bit. Before too long, Nerys came in and sat next to her, holding her hand until Rabia came back, and announced it was time.

Nerys kissed Sophia on her forehead and then held her hand until it was wheeled out of her reach, into the operating room, where Katherine and the anesthesiologist were ready. She shuffled onto the operating table, while Rabia helped the anesthesiologist finish setting up. Rabia put the IV needle in, and before she knew it, she was counting back from a hundred.

2020 September 1, Friday

James couldn’t believe his luck — a class assignment right off the bat on gender and the differences between them. That he had even been allowed to take sociology as an AS level was a bit of a miracle. His father had initially objected that sociology was too liberal, but he relented when James pointed out the knowledge could be used in marketing to better target and influence people. His dad hadn’t exactly been subtle in telling James that he wanted him to follow him into marketing — and that his company had some big clients who were gearing up for some important campaigns.

Students had been instructed to pull from a box slips of paper with various aspects of life to discuss written on them, and James nervously waited his turn. When he finally had pulled one of the slips out and unfolded it, he had to resist the urge to cheer at his luck at getting one of the ones on clothing differences. The teacher even had things for the students to take home to focus their paper on; students who got ‘personal hygiene’ got deodorant, ‘grooming’ got hair products, and ‘clothing’ selected from a box of clothes that hadn’t been claimed from lost-and-found after the lsat term.

As they selected their items, most of the students were grumbling at how inane they thought the task was. But James pulled out a denim skirt that looked like it might actually fit, and he had to work to conceal his growing excitement. The dress he’d stolen on impulse from the church charity bin last month had barely fit, but he’d kept it because… because he couldn’t understand why. Even if he cried late at night when he tried it on a few times, he just had to have it near him.

He stashed it with the dress as soon as he got home, bottom back of his closet under a box of old toys. Not, perhaps, the safest place, but for all his father’s bluster, he appeared to mostly trust his ‘son.’

He’d mostly stopped reading the stories, but sometimes — when life was too much — he went back to them. Days like today. His father had declared at dinner that James would go to a university of his parents’ — his father’s — choosing, rather than his preferred school in Bristol. His father wanted him to go to someplace local to be able to continue living at home, rather than having to pay for housing. Later, after his father had left them to clean the dishes, James mum had said she would talk to him, remind him that young men needed to have some independence, but James didn’t have a lot of hope that she would change his mind.

He had his room lights off, but he pulled out his laptop and loaded a favorite story and let habit take over. Cycling his brain through thoughts that excited him: getting to be himself, someone doing it to him to absolve him of his shame for even wanting this.

He lay there, after, taking slow deep breaths to calm down, to keep from falling clear in to tears from drowning in the shame of having fallen back on a bad habit. Consensus pinged on the laptop he hadn’t quite closed as he pushed it out of the way, and he only had notifications on for one person.

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

Oh! You’re up late! Rough day?

hopeless:

Yeah

My father wants me to go to a uni closer to home of his choosing, so he doesn’t have to shell out for a dorm

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

=( =( =( =( =( =(

hopeless:

It is what it is, mum said she’d try to work on him. But I don’t know. Feeling my display name in spades tonight.

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

If I were close by, I would be giving you such a big hug right now. You’ll get out on your own somehow, and then you get to be you, regardless of what he says.

hopeless:

Thanks S, I really hope so. Also… I slipped, sorry.

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

bonks

I’ve told you repeatedly, you don’t have to apologize to me for how you cope.

Get some sleep, silly girl, and we’ll talk more tomorrow night, okay?

hopeless:

blush, okay, goodnight, Sophia

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

goodnight!

2008 September 1, Monday

James rushed up to his mum just outside the doors of the school and clung to her legs. Despite her promises, today had not been any fun, and he never wanted to leave her again. “Hey, sweetie,” she said brightly. “How was your first day?” James felt tears in his eyes as he looked up at her. “Oh, okay, how about you tell me all about it in the car on the way home?”

James shook his head no then more tentatively yes, and she offered her hand, which he gladly took and followed her out to the car. When they got in, and the doors were shut, his mum turned to him and smiled. “So I take it your day wasn’t fun?”

James shook his head no, he didn’t really want to talk about it, but she just kept smiling faintly at him. “They were mean,” he said quietly.

“Who was mean?” his mum asked, turning to smile brightly at him.

“The other kids,” he said quietly.

”What were they mean to you about?” his mum asked.

“I… I told them I missed you, and they laughed at me for it. They called me a baby,” he said quietly.

“What?” his mum said with more force than he expected. “Do you want me to talk to your teacher about them? They shouldn’t do that! Missing your mum is perfectly normal on your first day of school. I know I missed mine when I was your age!”

“No, please don’t,” he said quietly. He already knew well enough to know that bringing his mum into things only ever made it worse. “It’s fine.”

“Well, it's really not fine, but okay, if you don’t want me to talk to her, I won’t,” she said, smiling at him and pulling out of the parking lot.

He stared out the window from his booster seat in the back, watching trees and neighborhoods go by. “I… I also said I liked helping you around the house…” he said, sniffing back phlegm to speak. “Then they… they called me a ‘Jane girl’. What is that?”

“Oh, sweetie,” his mum said. “That’s just them trying to hurt you. They just attack anyone who’s any different, but you are so wonderful, and they can’t see that.”

“What’s wrong with helping you?” James asked, sniffing again. “I like helping you around the house.”

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it,” she said softly. “Some kids are simply bullies. Pay them no attention — if they can’t get a rise out of you, they’ll move on.”

“And… and I didn’t know what line to stand in when they lined us up for recess,” he said, tears starting up again. “They told me if I was in the girls line, then I… I must be a girl.”

“Oh sweetie, I didn’t know they would do that, or I would’ve warned you,” his mum said. “I know that you don’t always get new routines like that. It’s okay; they’ll have forgotten about it by tomorrow, even.”

James nodded and hoped his mum was right. Mum didn’t press for anything else, just sang softly to music on the radio on the way home, and that was nice. He loved his mum’s voice; when he grew up, he hoped to be able to sing like her.

2009 October 30, Friday

James ran off ahead of his mother. He knew she had said to stay with her, but he was so excited!Tonight the church was holding a fall festival in the car park, and his mum had allowed him to dress up as James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise. Well, okay, so he was wearing a yellow t-shirt his mum had hot-glued a Starfleet-insignia-shaped patch of felt on. But there were booths with free carnival games and prizes, and he was going to play all of them!

Also exciting was that his father was getting back today from his work trip. Mum said he would meet them later, and they could all have a fun time together — and maybe get ice cream before they went home. For now, though, Sophia was there holding hands with him and running from game to game, and he was having a blast.

Wait, no, it wasn’t Sophia. It was Melanie — a friend from Sunday school. She was wearing a poofy pink princess dress, and he was so jealous of it. Between the ring toss and the apple bobbing booth, he whispered to her that he liked it.

“Boys don’t like pretty princess dresses,” she quickly whispered back then paused briefly before adding, “it’s okay, maybe you’re a girl!” She then laughed and dipped her head beneath the water, biting furiously at an apple.

Hearing it from her made him feel different from how the boys laughing at him made him feel last year. They hadn’t forgotten, but they had moved on to other targets eventually when they got bored of making him cry.

She came up out of the water grinning like a fool behind the apple she had successfully latched on to, causing him to laugh. He forgot about what she said and took his turn, dunking his head under the water and chasing an apple. The water was cold, and he wasn’t successful at catching an apple, but Melanie was there. She took his hand and shared her apple with him, and that made it okay.

They rushed off to the beanbag toss next — something that James was a lot better at, but that Melanie struggled with. He scored really well, and decided to let her pick a toy and keep it; she chose a pink horse toy that she immediately started galloping around in the air, causing him to laugh brightly. She responded by pausing the horse to rear it back and whinny, and he just laughed harder.

He wasn’t sure where his mum was at the moment, but he knew it was safe here, and she would find him eventually. The only people here were people from the church, and he knew all of them, and they all knew him, and it was fine. And then his father was there suddenly — he seemed angry — so he looked apologetically at Melanie, who nodded and waved goodbye to him.

His father took him and his mother straight to the car and straight home without talking. Once home, he insisted that James destroy the costume shirt immediately. It was sinful to wear costumes, he said — it was a lie and a frivolity. And James believed him because his father always told the truth.

2020 July

James had finally realized that yes, he was actually a trans woman, from reading a webcomic that showed him it was perfectly normal to want to be a girl. The author’s posts also finally drove home that it was normal to like how you looked to the point of excitement, and that cis women got excited by how they looked too. Explained that awful — hateful — word was nonsense peddled by a charlatan who hated trans people.

Finding this whole world of people out there like him was eye-opening, and he found through that world a link to a Consensus server. Closet Dwellers Anonymous was mostly trans youth supporting each other in the UK, He lurked at first, grateful that no one bothered him about lurking. And finally, a few weeks ago, he’d done it; He’d told someone he thought he was trans for the first time. She was so kind to everyone in the server, but he was so scared. Her display name was so silly, Cracking Eggs and Taking Names, but her real name was Sophia. It was so pretty that he was a bit jealous of it.

He had told her and braced to be told not to bother her, or ignored. But she did the exact opposite by orders of magnitude — she sat there chatting with him for hours, encouraging him, giving advice and just laughing with him at this strange yet beautiful sensation of being trans: this feeling of being seen and known, of having a friend — and not just someone approved by his parents to be around.

He didn’t tell her everything — not right away. He couldn’t bear the thought of her rejecting him when she learned the entire truth about him. But after several weeks of chatting with her for at least an hour a day, he told her. He had typed and deleted it a half dozen times. He had read everything he could about the privacy of Consensus DMs. James typed it and hovered his hand over the enter button, and then his hand twitched as if by itself and sent the message on its way.

He flinched, he started looking for the undo command. To delete it. She knew now: He was a freak and a pervert, not really trans, just someone who had a fetish. Before he could undo it, though, he saw ’Cracking Eggs and Taking Names is typing’ appear. Oh hell, it’s too late to undo it now, he thought.

Sophia wasn’t typing for very long, and her response was so totally unexpected he had to read it three times before he believed it.

Cracking Eggs and Taking Names:

How you coped to survive is okay by me, I’m glad you felt safe to tell me. You’ve been dreading saying it, haven’t you?

He broke down in tears, and had to quickly apologize to her and scramble to shut things down as he heard his father arrive home.

2022 January 1, Saturday

A whole year. A whole stinking year on his own. A whole stinking rotten year without having seen or talked to his parents, without having them there for him financially if not emotionally. A whole stinking, rotten, terrible year. He’d lost so much more in the last year than he could ever imagine — his life had contracted now to his job, pitching in to help moderate Closet Dwellers, calling doctors, and sleep.

He shivered; his small studio flat was cold in that permeating, extremely British way. James had even resorted to wearing articles of clothing from his secret stash as additional layers. It wasn’t really enough, though, especially not today — the memories of last year somehow made it seem even colder. He would’ve turned on the small heater he had, but the energy costs were absurdly high. So he shivered more and ate a cold sandwich, hoping the calories would help even if the temperature of the food didn’t.

His job sucked. He sat in a room without divisions in it, on a phone, expected to be talking to people all day long, and he was so bad at it. He barely made ends meet, and would’ve just gone on the dole, except he felt he had to earn his way in this world.

James had missed the call a couple of weeks ago right before Christmas, but thankfully got back to them in time while they were still in the office. His hands shook a bit from the cold and existent as they held his phone and listened to the message for the thousandth time. He was on the list.For real this time, he hoped. Six months ago, he thought he was on it, but his GP hadn’t actually put in the referral properly, and it had cost him another six months of the wrong hormones coursing through his veins. Twisting his face and body.

And the waiting list for the GIC he was on the list for was effectively endless. They said three years, but his friends in Closet Dweller’s had told him it was really more like five, and commiserated with him. He shivered again. Five years. What was six months? A bump in the road. A pittance versus having to spend a lifetime trapped in this body. Another person in the server repeatedly suggested DIY, but that cost money, and if he’d had any to spare, he wouldn’t be shivering in two hoodies and a girls cardigan.

2006 July 15, Saturday

James was sitting in the living room playing with the toys from the new box. Some lady — not his mum, different hair color — had dropped them off, and they were fascinating to him. He pulled out a large shiny silver ring; he had seen some girls wearing them at preschool and it looked fun, but had been rebuffed by the teacher when he had tried to get one for himself. He put it on his head and giggled. His mum glanced over from the kitchen where she was doing something, making food he hoped, he was getting hungry.

She smiled at him. “My little princess,” she said, stepping away from the counter and walking over to him, sitting on the floor next to him. “Don’t forget your wand!” she said brightly. She picked up a wand from the toy box and handed it to him, and he waved the sparkly thing around. It was at least as shiny as the ring, and he waved it around, he already loved it and never wanted to let it go.

“Come on princess, it’s snack time,” his mum said and picked him up, and started to take the wand back from him. He gripped it tighter and got upset — he’d only just gotten it! Tears started forming in his eyes and she immediately released it. “Okay, you can keep it for now. princess, but after snack time, when it’s time for your nap, I’ve got to put them away. Daddy wouldn’t understand, okay?”

James nodded his head — that was sufficiently far away. She set him down at the table and grabbed a plate from the counter. With his free hand, he rapidly grabbed at the apple slices his mum had cut up. He loved apples. When he’d had his apples, and his juice, his mum picked him back up and carried him up to his room and set him on his bed, “Okay princess, time to take a nap.”

He knew he should — he was tired — but he didn’t want to stop being a princess and give up his wand yet. He shook his head no and frowned at his mum, but she crossed her arms and put that look on her face. James relented this time. Besides, she said, she was only putting them away before daddy got home; he could be a princess again tomorrow when daddy was out.

2021 October 7, Friday

She was gone. Sophia was gone, and he’d been having a hard time hiding his sadness around his coworkers. Thankfully, they were largely an uncaring lot who mostly wouldn’t give him the time of day, much less ask how he was feeling. But here at home? Whenever he had enough liquid in his body, he cried tears — and when he didn’t, he just hurt.

Between the NHS fouling Sophia’s records up again, the pandemic, being immunocompromised, a harassment campaign and unsupportive family, it had been too much. She had posted a lengthy goodbye broadly to the whole server. She’d urged them to survive, to fight as hard as they could, but also to find kindness in their hearts, to be the bigger people, to be their absolute best. And of course they would, because it was her who asked them.

Privately, to James, she had sent another message, more personal, filled with private jokes between the two of them, and it made his heart ache reading it. A hole in his soul that she had filled was ripped back open: Once again, he was alone. And then Sophia asked him to be what she could not in this terrible world. And of course he would, because it was her who asked him.

2023 October 2, Monday

James kicked a rock as hard as he could from the sidewalk as he walked home from the bus stop. He’d lost his place in the line. Again. The GIC had claimed they called last week when he rang them to check. He could find no record of them having attempted to contact him by phone, text, mail or letter, but they’d punted him off the list anyway.

He walked up to his flat, running through things in his mind. He had put another request for referral in, using some directions from friends in Closet Dwellers Anonymous they claimed might be faster, but he had no hope it would be. Nothing about this was fast. The GIC’s lines had been growing since before he first got on it, and now there was an online, word-of-mouth estimate of seven years wait. And that was in addition to the year and a half he’d already waited, on top of the six months before that.

He didn’t have the funds for DIY; making ends meet with the energy prices was only getting harder as it was without the cost of estradiol tacked on. Someone on the server had posted a link a couple of months ago to an assistance grant for trans women, and he had debated applying, but he’d hesitated too long. The application period ended two weeks before the GIC screwed him over. Wouldn’t have mattered, he told himself. There were tons of applicants probably and nowhere near enough slots that I would get picked.

He got back up to his flat and flopped on his bed. He wasn’t even sure how much longer he could make ends meet; the reserves he’d been so carefully building the first year on his own had been wiped out at this point. As a perfect topper, his boss had given him a warning today for not meeting quotas, which on top of everything had only left him further behind at the end of the day as he simply couldn’t focus. His boss had glared at him as he left today, and he knew he was on dangerously thin ice.

For now, he rolled over, grabbed his battered old laptop, opened his folder of downloaded episodes, put on a favorite centering on Pinkie Pie, and pulled out his phone. He unlocked his journal, and started a new entry.

Hey Sophia, I haven’t written in a while. I know that doing this is silly, but it’s been hard lately, and I’d rather talk to you than to the Consensus server. You won’t try to lie to me and tell me it’s going to be okay.

I know I haven’t really lived up to my end of the deal, to be Sophia. All I do instead is continue the same cycle. But I’m still here and still trying.

Consensus has slowly started coming out of the drama that unfolded this summer, and the other mods and I are finally settling into a routine with helping the younger kids. It was touch and go for a while, there, but I think the worst is behind us.

I keep trying to think what you would do, to deescalate fights, to be kind, to help the brainwormed, but it’s so hard. They keep fighting the same fights. Every few months, another wave of barely-cracked eggs come in with the same brainworms, and I’m so tired.

And… my transition is more stalled even than yours. You at least got to do some DIY before… before. But I’m nowhere. I’m more my username than I’ve ever been before. All it would take is one more thing to go wrong and I might snap.

2024 March 1, Friday

Sophia slowly blinked her eyes as she listened to the oddly soothing beeps of the monitor by her side. She felt Nerys’s hand holding hers; she smiled and started to sit up and to turn to face Nerys, only for a hand from her other side to gently push back. “It’s okay, don’t need to rush,” Stephanie said quietly. “You’ll be back downstairs for dinner. We’ll do lunch in here and get you up and moving after, okay?”

“How… how did it go?” Sophia said hoarsely, her throat felt so dry. Nerys held out a water bottle with a straw sticking out of it. “They’re gone?” she asked after taking a sip.

Stephanie smiled. “It went flawlessly — they’re gone. You’ve been a bit slow to wake from the anesthesia though.”

“I was dreaming…” Sophia said quietly. “I didn’t really sleep last night.”

“Good dreams?” Nerys asked, hopeful.

“Uh, some, yeah,” Sophia said, putting a smile on and looking back to Nerys. “Did I ever tell you how I got the name ‘Sophia?’”

Nerys shook her head no. “No, not really, is it a good story?”

“It’s uh, it's a hard story, but good in its own way,” she said, taking another sip of water. “I met Sophia Hendricks in July 2020. It was lockdown world, and I was on my computer a lot more. I joined this Consensus server that someone had linked online on impulse a few weeks before…” Her story continued rambling, gushing about her friend and all she had learned about herself and others back then. Sophia softened the end a bit — Sophia Hendricks had gone away. But now Sophia was back and under Dorley Hall she was finally getting to be her true self, one day at a time.

Rabia knocked on the door and Zoe came in with her bearing a tray of food, and they laughed and had a nice chat while Sophia ate a late lunch. And Rabia made sure to lecture her on after care again, for the tenth time it seemed like. Not like it was all that complicated. She’d read about other surgeries’ aftercare, and this was dirt simple: Keep it clean. The thought made her giggle inappropriately while Rabia was instructing her, and she had to explain her stupid joke.

After lunch, though, Sophia announced she was tired, and wanted a bit more sleep before she returned to the basement and the ‘boys.’ Everyone left except for Nerys, who sat there still holding her hand as she drifted back off. A weight had been lifted from her, and the hole in her soul felt like it had shrunk to almost nothing.

2021 November 20, Saturday

James had seen some posts about a Trans Day of Remembrance vigil being held at a local community hall. He’d worked up the courage to go — in boy mode, at least. He’d never ventured out as… as Sophia. There were several people ahead of him slowly walking inside. He wasn’t really sure what it would be like, he hadn’t ever been to one before, and he doubted it would be like the ‘vigils’ the church had held for awful people. He realized quickly that the people ahead of him were making name tags, and he nearly bolted at the thought.

James didn’t want them to know his name, but he also didn’t really know what other name to use. It was eventually his turn at the table and a sign made it clear he didn’t have to make a name tag if he didn’t want to, but that it was ‘safe’ to put whatever he wanted. He quickly grabbed a marker and her name returned to his mind as he leaned over to write on the tag. The reason he was here in the first place. Before he could reconsider, he quickly wrote Sophia on the name badge and and slapped it on his jacket.

He followed the others into the main area; there was a circle of chairs, and a couple of the volunteers were greeting people and flitting about. When everyone was seated, the leader suggested they pass the list of names around, and they would each read aloud a few of the names of trans people who had been killed this year. And after, they would hold a vigil for all of them, with candles and some silence.

He listened quietly as the list made its way around — names read two or three at a time, some cried at specific names. People they knew? Would Sophia’s name be on it? Would someone know his name tag was a reference to her? His nerves shot through the roof as the person before him read only a single name before breaking down crying and quietly passing the list to James.

He had barely heard the last name, but then he saw the list, and he knew what the next one was. Sophia Hendricks. He couldn’t read it. Coming was a mistake. He dropped the clipboard as he stood and ran out of the community hall.

He ran to the bus stop nearby and watched as the bus rolled away. Uncaring. He slumped on a bench at the stop and heaved sobs for tears that wouldn’t come. He heard the sound of footsteps approach slowly, tentatively, but didn’t turn to look to see who it was.

Whoever it was sat beside him, not too close, but closer than he’d have preferred at the moment. “Two in a row getting that upset by one name was surprising, but then I saw who it was. Sophia Hendricks was remarkable,” she said quietly. “It’s hard losing someone. I’ve been where you are; I know that pain. I know how much it hurts. I just want to make sure you aren’t going to do anything regrettable as a result. And to offer an ear or a hug or whatever you need.”

“What’s to regret?” he heard himself ask before his filters could engage. He regretted saying it immediately, of course. He probably worried the poor stranger, who didn’t need his troubles on her plate. Oh, well. Too late.

She might have said more, but he didn’t hear it. The bus came, and he barely noticed in time to get on it and head back towards his apartment. The first thing he did on arriving was dig out his stash of girl clothes, put them in a bin bag and take it out to the bins. When he got back inside, he went to the restroom and started to look in the mirror. He was still wearing the Sophia name tag. Fuck.

2024 March 1, Friday

Sophia woke up fast, sitting upright without anyone to push her back down, and looked over and saw Nerys snoozing lightly in the chair and smiled at her. “Heya Rainbow,” she said quietly, picking Nerys’s hand which had fallen out of hers back up and squeezed it. Nerys jolted awake and smiled. “How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?” Nerys asked incredulous. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing wonderful, ready to get up and go greet the boys,” Sophia said smiling, and started to rotate her legs off the bed.

Stephanie appeared at the door and smiled at her. “Hey sleepyhead, are you ready?”

“Once I get something on besides this gown anyway!” Sophia said grinning.

“Well, Nerys and I laid a fresh set of clothes right there on the foot of your bed,” Stephanie said, pointing at a pile that included knickers, bra, and a dress.

“Oh, thank you!” Sophia said, and quickly started changing, pulling on the soft cotton purple dress covered in dragons. “This is a cute dress, thanks Steph!”

Stephanie grinned. “Nerys picked it out for you; I just ordered it on the Hall’s card for you.”

“Aww, thanks Rainbow,” she said, taking Nerys into a deep hug and kissed Nerys on the lips.

“I’m glad you like it, Pinkie,” Nerys said, grinning and kissing her back.

“Let’s go say hi to the boys and have some dinner,” Sophia said, grinning and heading out the door. She took Nerys’s hand in hers and entwined their as they walked down the stairs. She was walking slowly; there was definitely some soreness there, but not too much.

Stephanie went ahead and held the doors to the common room open. The assembled boys turned to look at them as Sophia and Nerys walked in. She smiled at them and got a smile out of Derek and Owen at least. Randal rolled his eyes and went back to what appeared to be a romance book. Grant and Carl frowned.

“And just where have you two been all day?” Grant asked annoyed.

“Well,” Sophia said slowly, calmly. “Today was the day. The surgery.”

“Fucking hell,” Grant breathed. “And you’re just okay with it?”

Sophia smiled faintly. “Yeah, Grant, I am.”

“That’s fucked up, what kind of…” Grant said, trailing off as a sponsor near him cleared her throat. “I mean, really, how?”

“My body doesn’t define me,” Sophia said, smiling at the boys. “My mind does, and I decided that no matter what they change about me, I’ll still be me. Maybe even a better me. You never know — being a girl doesn’t seem so bad.”

“I can’t imagine being a woman being better,” Grant said, nearly snarling.

“It’s not all bad,” Sophia said and twirled in her dress that flared out nicely. “You get to do skirt go spinny!” She slightly regretted it when she stopped spinning; maybe she should give it a couple of days of healing before doing that again.

Randal laughed, surprising Sophia as she returned to face the boys. “You don’t honestly expect us to believe you were ‘just one of the boys’ when you arrived here, do you?” Sophia tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at him. “You know what, never mind,” Randal said, turning back to his book. “I should just read.”

“That’s a good idea, Randal,” Stephanie said sternly. He grunted and waved his book that was back open in front of his eyes.

Sophia glanced at the others and saw Owen look like he was about to burst. Honestly, if Derek had told him she was trans, he was doing very well at holding it in for him. Maria came into the room for the dining room. “Dinner time, ladies” she called brightly. “We’ve got a treat for you all tonight, since you all have done so well today,” she said brightly and went back into the dining room.

Sophia and Nerys waited and followed the others into the dining room, and Maria gestured at the selection, a nice roast chicken dinner with a number of amazing smelling and looking sides. Sophia’s mouth watered. Lunch had been a bit small for her taste after having to skip breakfast and being awake all night.

It was a grand evening to end a fun day. They all interacted pretty nicely by basement standards. Randal was chatting with Derek and Owen almost animatedly; Grant and Carl even chatted a bit with the rest of them.

It was a nice day, and at the end of it, when Sophia was stuffed, she and Nerys retired to her room. Bit by bit she was becoming her true self and it felt great. They laid there just gently cuddling and Sophia quickly drifted off to sleep.

2021 September

James had finally been talked into joining Sophia on video chat via Consensus, and it was just so good to see her in more than just a static picture for once. She lived all the way in Bristol, and they kept talking about meeting IRL someday, when the pandemic was over — if it ever was.

She’d been having a hard time lately, which is why he finally relented and joined her. He’d told her about some of the clothes he’d nicked from charity bins, and she insisted on seeing him dressed up just once. And he relented because what did it matter? He had very little left to lose, and he wanted so badly to see her smile. He knew she would smile at him regardless, but still, she wanted it, and he’d do anything for her.

It was getting late, and he was getting tired; he had a double shift tomorrow to try to get some more money to maybe consider DIY, so he was about to tell her goodnight. She, however, had one more idea. One more request before he went to bed.

“Do ‘dress go spinny for’ me?” she asked so sweetly, and he relented.

He repositioned his laptop and tried to frame himself better for her, and he spun around, and it was worth the lost moments of trying to sleep. He came out of the spin with the biggest grin on his face, and Sophia was grinning and clapping and cheering. It had been as good a day as he’d had in a long time, and sleep came more easily than he had feared.