To recalibrate our current position, we are now camping out right on the border of the empire, in a little forest close enough to a village for me to steal from it but not close enough for Simel to realise that that’s what I’m doing. Camping of this sort has been our modus operandi for months now, so there’s nothing weird about it. No, the weird thing is that when I returned to our little campsite from wrestling a boar, I found Simel in a most peculiar state. 

 

To be specific, he was standing behind an easel. Where did he even get that? Why does he have it? Also, where did he get a canvas to put on it? And what are all those tools and bottles he’s got with him?

 

“Simel, what’s all this?” I ask. He doesn’t seem much surprised by my approach, and once I’m close enough, he actually points over to a rock adjutant to his set-up. I glance at it. “Are you going to paint that rock? I didn’t know you could paint!”

 

He makes a striking Gromit impression as he shakes his head and points at the rock again.

 

My jaw opens and closes. No way. Is he—?

 

My heart leaps in my chest and I jump over to the rock, taking a seat. “How do you want me to sit? Should I do a pose? How about this?” I do a few poses, flexing my spindly arms, doing a few silly faces. He just shakes his head. Oh, I see how it is. “Neutral, is that it? Fine, fine,” I say, taking a more placid pose. Legs spread, hands on knees, facing straight ahead, face set in a mask of complete apathy. I chuckle a little. “You know, this feels a little bit like a mugsho—”

 

He waves a little to the left. I scootch to the left. Then, he nudges me back to the right. I follow along. He gives a thumbs up. I smile and let my body relax a little. 

 

I can’t see how he’s painting, but going just by the ease with which he handles his material, I’m going to assume that he’s better at this than I’d personally expect. Okay, so now, I just need to sit still. Peeeerfectly still. Not a single movement. None. At. All.

 

<You have received a message.>

 

My eye twitches. It’s probably just another hate message. I’ve been getting a bunch lately about staining the reputation of all humans or something. Making a mountain out of a molehill, as haters always do. Yup. So, since I already know what it is, there’s no need to check it out. No reason for it to be from anyone I would actually want to get a message from. Not at all. Not. At. All.

 

I gulp. 

 

I glance up at Simel. He’s mixing colours. I look back at the empty air in front of my eyes. Under my breath, I mutter, “Messages.”

 

<Status—Community—Top>

<Personal Messages>

<[NEW]SuperMoleman[F67]: Regarding the war in 

the middle continent>

<[NEW]HeyoMayo[F43]: I heard that u were to

blame for goblins hating us plz turn urself in>

<[NEW]FarmerOfBlades[F57]: Hey again have u die yet?>

<[NEW]RatCarrier[F38]: My friend got hunged because

of your dumb ****. Do you have emotion..>

<SuperMoleman[F67]: Checking in again, glad

everything’s going well!>

<[NEW]LoveBombDeluxe[F62]: If I ever find you in

Purgatory I am actually killing you no matter what>

<-Page 1/103->

 

My hand shoots up to poke the new message but it stalls midway up on account of the sheer power in Simel’s glare. “Oh, I—I just…” I poke the air in front of me. “—Insect. Saw a flyeater. Gone now. Heh…” He looks back at the canvas and I watch him for a second or so before letting my gaze fly down to the message I was able to bring up.

 

<SuperMoleman[F67]: Regarding the war in 

the middle continent

Hey Kitty! I got your message, sorry about the late

reply we were still visiting the Duchess of lat-inn and

she had barred us from using status things, saying

they’re devices of the god of mischief, which isn’t wrong 

technically speaking but still pretty weird. Anyhow,

where are you now? Sorry again I’ve been too busy

with all these diplomatic affairs to try to meet up.

We’ll just have to wait until you get to purgatory

properly, haha. I’m asking because I heard that the

queen of ret-inn has been mobilising her forces

to advance on the empire of split-horizons. 

If you and Simel are stuck in the middle of all that,

I can’t imagine it turning out very well. I don’t think

Simel will mind having to wait a bit with the whole deal.

Again, and I know you don’t like hearing this, but

please try to refrain from doing anything rash, okay? 

Hope everything goes well!>

 

The war’s really happening, huh? I’m not really surprised, it’s just that I didn't trust the sources much. However, if Moleman says it's true, then that must be how it is. Not that it’ll interfere with my plans any. No, as a matter of fact, it might just make it all that much more effective. 

 

I glance up at Simel. He’s focused. Great. Sliding down the status box, I began typing up a reply.

 

<PrissyKittyPrincess[F15]: 

U dnt need 2 worry bout da war

im cool i gt a plan lolz

gud luck w da kings n stff>

 

And then I quickly send it away, before Simel could so much as notice I was doing anything at all. Hehehe. Speaking of my plan, it might be a good idea to share it with Simel so he’s in on it. Otherwise, it might come as quite a spook. I look up at him. He’s focused on his painting, but none of this is going to come as any shock, so I’m sure he’ll be alright.

 

“Okay, so, since our plan is to kill the emperor, I’ve been thinking about—” 

 

He drops his paintbrush and a little rag and also a tiny sponge. For a long moment, he doesn’t even move to pick it up. Once he does, and his face peeks beneath the canvas, he seems weirdly pale. He also gathers all of his things in a right rush, basically hurrying to hide back behind the canvas. Huh. I wonder what that was about?

 

Well, might as well continue. “So, as I was saying, I’ve been thinking about how we might infiltrate the capital properly. Because it’s a capital, right? You can’t just sneak in and hope to get an audience with the emperor just because you’re so pretty.” I pause for dramatic effect like a slightly crooked defence lawyer. Simel isn’t moving his paintbrush at all. Must be because he’s so focused on what I’m saying. “And I’m sure you have a plan of some sort on how to do this, but… I think I’ve got a better idea.” I wait. I kind of want him to peek out from behind the canvas again, but when he doesn’t, I just continue without it.

 

“Remember how I’ve still got that princess’ hide? Err—I mean, skin?”

 

He’s sitting perfectly still now. Fully focused. Is he thinking the same thing as I am? No idea, but if he isn’t, then I’m about to blow his mind.

 

“It’s a simple plan, really. I’ve been thinking it over, and with all of the things in play, it should work. Your plan was to get us close on account of me being a human, right? We’d both get in trouble and then I’d beat him, et cetera, et cetera. And sure, that might work, but then the guy would be surrounded by guards. I mean, what kind of ruler would go before a convicted prisoner without a bunch of guards at his side? Exactly. However…”

 

I grin a little. So simple! So easy! So quaint! 

 

“What if I approached in the skin of a regent thought to be dead?”

 

Now, Simel trembles. Excitement, no doubt. His plan may have been good, but now he sees how close-minded he had really been.

 

“We’d be greeted with a parade. Orchestras. Jubilation. The emperor would have no choice but to meet us as a diplomatic envoy of peace. He doesn’t want war, so this would be a Godsend. And, sure, his dear prince would still be dead, but that’s already been mourned aplenty. And, besides, we’ll still be returning the crown, so it’s fine, right? And then, when I defeat the emperor and clear the stage, nobody will be able to blame you. I mean, you’re just a commander, right? Everybody will be looking at the queen and all of a sudden she’ll be in the wrong for sending her daughter to assassinate the emperor. Nobody will give you a second glance.” I feel a laugh on my lips. “It’s perfect, isn’t it?”

 

He doesn’t answer, but I know he’s on my side. After all, I’m on his side, so that only makes sense.

 

It takes a moment for him to start painting again. By that point, I’m giddy with excitement for it all. I’ve never before felt quite so clever as I do with this plan. My only issue is how to fix it so that we’ll actually be met with jubilations rather than suspicion. Sure, I’ll be able to look exactly like her, and since my impersonate skill is at level nine it would be practically impossible for anyone to see through it, but what if they don’t believe us?

 

Simel solved my problem before nightfall.

 

I only caught him doing it because I smelled a strange animal near the campsite, but when I found Simel handing a sealed envelope to a small bat-looking thing, I knew exactly what it was. He gave me a look like I’d caught him with a body and a shovel, but I just smiled at him. “You truly are a clever one, Simel.”

 

To think he’d send the emperor a message saying that the princess had actually survived! Isn’t that just devious? Technically speaking this is just me assuming what the letter might contain, but I can’t imagine what else it would say. Ah, I’ve always taken to underestimating his devilishness, haven’t I?

 

Regardless, the message was sent, Simel seemed weirdly surprised by how positive I was towards the whole thing, and then the evening ended. 

 

In the morning, we set out towards the capital to finally put an end to all of this.