I once slapped an old woman for disrespecting my family… yeah that’s not a good way to introduce oneself.

But, how do I begin? My name? Age? Perhaps my perverse secret hobby? No, that is not important. But, I suppose it would be best to let you know who I am.

To begin with, my name is Lucas. I am 25 years old. I am the third oldest in my Family

I love women, I admire those who are above me, and though I don’t want to admit it, I secretly wish for my existence to be validated. Or at least to know why I am still here.

I have little talent in anything other than inhaling unhealthy food like a goddamn pig.

My hobbies are nothing special either. Just reading stories I come across and not the kind of grand epics, but quick light a high schooler would shove their faces in.

Fantasy stories are filled to the brim with heart-pumping adventures where magic and monsters exist and a Hero rises to the occasion. Stories of what I could never become.

But despite my normalcy, I didn’t seek out anything too extreme.

But, it appears the people around me weren’t as contended much.

Just earlier tonight, after returning early from a business trip I excitedly hurried home where my girlfriend of five years waits for me.

With me was her favorite shortcake I waited an hour to get. I wanted nothing more than to see her smile as she welcomes me back after a week of hard work. But as I rotated the key and opened the door, the first thing I saw was the woman I loved with a man having sex in by the entrance.

“Do you like that? ”

“Ye-yes, do it… deeper… I’m close..”

On the ground, they writhed as the pounding didn’t stop even after I opened the door. They were too busy to notice me, too intoxicated by the act of transgression to even pay me attention.

I dropped the box of pastries and only then did they break away from each other.

“Alex!? I-I thought you weren’t going home until tomorrow! I-I can explain! This isn’t what it looks like.”

Her moans and wails of pleasure stopped only a flustered expression followed, as the euphoria she was under lifted. 

Everything around me grew quiet. I could no longer hear her words. I refused to listen. 

Maybe I would’ve screamed in anger and then tossed them both out.

I mean, we weren’t even married so, who cares? I can just kick her out. Start over. Find a better one.

But, seeing who it was she was with, my eyesight grew dark.

My own best friend looked at me sheepishly, desperately trying to string together the excuses.

“Look man, this is a misunderstanding, we were just drunk, and I-”

BAM!

I first heard the sound of my fist hitting his face. I felt my knuckles sting, my blood rising. I continued punching him and didn’t stop even when blood was drawn.

“You asshole! We’ve been friends since we were kids! I helped you when you were out of a job, I paid for Aunty’s medication when she was in an accident and this is how you repay me!?”

He was my friend for more than Fifteen.Fucking.Years. 

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I TRUSTED YOU! OUT OF EVERYONE! I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU!”

We were together before we even hit puberty, we experienced a lot together and had each other’s back!

“I treated you like a real brother! I trusted you!” I shouted as my eyes reddened.

“Alex! Stop it! You’re going to kill him!” the woman screamed as she grabbed my arm so I could stop.

But I didn’t listen.

At 25 years old, I don’t have as much energy as I did in the past.

I used to be called the kid with an endless amount of energy. But as I grew older, I lost that energy with my passion.

Now, a long walk was my kryptonite and a jog was practically suicide. I have grown weak, and useless, like chicken wings without bones, tasteless.

But as I lunged onto the person I used to consider my best friend, strength welled up. He tried to block my fists by raising them in front of his face. I pried them open and stomped on them and returned to wailing at him.

When I regained a semblance of my sanity, he was sadly still breathing, but only barely.

His teeth scattered on the ground as his blood pooled on the side.

From the corner of my eyes the woman I used to love was crying with bruises on her face, and on my side was the man I once considered to be closest friend barely breathing.

I looked at the face of the woman I once considered my future wife. How her face darkened. How her eyes darted to him with visible concern.

“Just for how long?” a question escaped.

With shaking lips, she tried to answer, “Huh? What do you—”

“Just how long have the both of you been laughing at me!?”

She could only bite her lips. I already know the answer… this is not a one-time mistake. That face. That reaction, it is telling. I couldn’t even be angry.

“Heh… how funny this whole thing is. I gave you everything. I supported you with everything. I never hurt you. So all of that and this is the grand repayment I get. What a grand prize for being a fool.”

I bit my lips until the taste of iron surfaced. 

Love makes you blind huh? Seems like it was true.

“Hahahaha! Isn’t that interesting? A devil as a lover and a snake for a friend… oh how blind I was… how truly blind. Isn’t that interesting? Hahaha! FUCK!”

I could only laugh.

“Alex, I—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” there was nothing left to listen to, “When I get back you two better be gone. If anything goes missing. You at least both know what kind of person I am”

I could throw them out, naked, but I chose to instead step away.

Because too many memories lingered in what I call home.

Memories I would rather forget.

Just as they say, betrayal never comes from a stranger, but from the people closest to you.

And as for me, I got two knives stuck on my back.

I brushed the tears going down my face.

It hurts.

“Did, I cut myself? Yeah, I’m bleeding… it hurts so much that it’s making me tear up.”

Yes, it’s the cuts that hurt… nothing else.

Fuck.

***

With two of the most precious and important people in my life betraying me in a single act, that’s how you end up on a park bench ugly crying.

My phone vibrated continuously.

I just finished sending a message to every contact I had. 

Personal numbers.

Social Media.

“Good thing I listened to Frej about the hidden cameras.” 

Revisiting the hidden cameras. I managed to see a number of videos of their entanglement.

The first thing I did was make sure I controlled the situation. I don’t like my family, but they taught me a lot of things growing up. One of them is to always be on top of things. 

Maybe that’s how I got to be so good at closing deals. Always planning, and scheming. Despite my weak and fragile body, my mind still works. Closing all doors for them. Crippling them in every way possible.

This is my way.

“She said she wanted to become an actress right? Now, she will never be able to get any job other than porn… Nah, I’ll try and sink her further down. And that bastard… I’ll make him experience hell as well. Friendship… heh, that’s fucking bullshit.”

To my previous girlfriend’s family, my best friend’s mother, my parents, and our shared friends, I sent a message to every single one.

I won't let anyone control the narrative. I know better than to have information around me manipulated.

I made sure to bury them before they could do anything. 

“If this was brought to court, I’ll be able to defend myself. I’m pretty sure my sister bugged my place. I’ll have to message her later. She still owes me.”

Slowly, with my seething anger. I concocted plan after plan. I don’t even know if most of them will work. But thinking about how I’ll make them suffer. Imagining reading that they both committed suicide made my heart ease a little.

“Yeah, feeding them to the fishes would be far too easy. I’ll do this differently—Mm?”

Bzzzzz~

‘Alicia?’

Reading the word on my phone screen, I felt a twinge in my heart.

She’s my Father. Or rather, the woman Father married after the mother died. She had always hated me. When I told Father I’ll leave the house she was the one who supported me leaving the most.

She must’ve been happy when one of the thorns in her life left her sight. Now, she’s calling me at my lowest… is she just going to gloat?

“I’m not in the right mind to deal with this.”

I chose not to answer. 

I just stayed there until midnight when I decided it was finally time to go back.

They should’ve left by now, right?

Bah, who cares, I put the lease on my name anyway.

I dragged my feet back home and across the street, I could not help but curse, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

It was already so late. Almost midnight. But there were a group of young lovers all going home from what seemed to have been a successful date. 

Holding onto their partners’ arms.

There was even a family of three behind that group of lovers!

‘This is getting ridiculous.’

Did this family go somewhere? Maybe a restaurant? A late-night stroll? Come on, that kid isn’t even five, she needs her rest.

Whatever they did, it felt like the world was laughing at me.

A group of lovers.

A family with a sharp-looking young man my age with a beautiful wife holding the hand of their daughter eating a popsicle.

‘...Tch.’ I could only click my tongue in envy seeing such a family.

The light turned green and I walked past them.

“Are you okay, Uncle? You’re bleeding.” the little girl asked, pointing at the blood on my cuff.

“Mia, it’s not nice to point. Sorry about that, mister.”

I avoided their glances and hid the blood on my shirt with my arms.

“No, it’s not a problem.”

The kid looked at me and I just smiled awkwardly as I headed on my way. I wanted nothing more than to go back home and sleep.

This day has been so tiring-

Hmm?

-what’s that?

A truck was barreling down the road.

‘Hey, hey, the light’s red. Is this guy an idi-no, the driver’s asleep!’ 

I clearly saw the driver hunched over snoozing away and seeing it speeding my way, I hurriedly opted to get out of its way. I may have had my heart broken, but, I still didn’t want to die. I haven’t read their names in the obituary section-

“Ah! Papa, my Popsicle.”

“Mia!?”

The truck arrived as I thought. His breaks were as untouched as a virgin.

The father called back to her daughter and ran to her to get her to safety. He tried to get to her. He really did. Giving it all that he could, but it was clear he wouldn’t make it.

The girl just watched as the lights of the truck drew closer and I dove head-first toward the kid….

I’m not the kind of person who would try to save someone. But I had already jumped before I could even think and consider what I should do.

Running to the girl, picking her up by the collar of her shirt, and tossing her into her father’s arms.

The girl and I accidentally looked each other in the eyes.

I could see her shock and I just smiled in response. Was I trying to comfort the girl? 

Telling her that it was what I wanted?

I doubt it because, from the bottom of my heart, I felt a sense of relief wash over me.

At that moment, I knew, somewhere in my heart, in my soul, I wanted to just disappear from the world. To forever forget the pain I was made to feel.

There are supposed to be last words for this right? 

What would be mine?

Oh, that’s a good one.

“Fuck…” 

And then a bright light enveloped all my senses.

***

“Are you god?”

I have never been religious. 

But from the many accounts of those around me. This hazy figure, surrounded by iridescent light could only be what people have described as God. In that darkness, only it and I existed.

 I could not see his face because of the blinding light behind it. Nor could I perfectly grasp its intentions. 

God did not speak. Nor did he do anything but offer me its hand. I can see its smile. But when my eyes fell on his lips, a question entered my mind.

“Do Gods also have regrets?” 

He visibly retracted. Even his expression quivered before becoming softer. He opened his mouth to say something. But no words ever reached me. 

I was curious about what it was saying to me. I urged it to speak louder. But it could not hear me. So I got closer. In that darkness, I moved forward. I reached out and it smiled and pulled me towards it. 

“Look out!” I yelled when we were about to crash into one another. But as I passed it by, a man’s whisper finally reached me.

“Take care of her….”

Can Gods have regrets? How about sadness? Because those were the only things that appeared in my head when I heard his voice.

I floated farther and farther away. Up into the light behind him. And as I got farther away, I heard him again, “Live.

***

I heard there were different kinds of deaths. A peaceful end. Everything would be black. Maybe a place where you would be judged and suffer. Reincarnation and some even say it would be a regression. Some quantum theory or something like that. Some even say that death was a construct that didn’t exist. That every moment of your life, you die and you just wake up in a different body in a vast multiversal existence. Another quantum thing… I don’t even know if it is still quantum.

I can feel the pain in my body. The sharp pain around my neck. The stabbing pain in my head. The rocking of my body and lastly—

“Please don’t leave Ela… please… daddy… please….”

Small hands rocked my back and forth. Who is she calling daddy? Is it me? But, I never had a child… I think. I shouldn’t have one, right? I used protection. To hell with that, I even drink protection. 

But as I opened my eyes I saw a little girl. 

“Ack!”

“Daddy! Waaah! ”

I groaned as she jumped into my embrace. Crying a river as her embrace became tighter and tighter. Her clothes were dirty with grime and mud. Her face was full of scratches and her fingers were red from the cold night wind.

“Shh, shh, everything’s alright.”

Nothing about this makes sense. One second I was talking with God and the next moment I was comforting a kid. 

‘Just what is this kid doing in the forest? No, what am I doing in a Forest? Did they try to make my body disappear or something?’ 

That’s right, I was in the forest when I was just in the city. Just how long was I out? This Bastion City is infamous for having no Forest. Yet, towering trees now surrounded me.

But even when I am confused and want to freak out. In the presence of someone so young. The only thing I could do was try and comfort her. Patting her head. Brushing her brown hair. Doing everything to make her calm down. I am still an adult, after all.

After a few minutes, she finally calmed down. I wiped her tears away. And even the snot on her face. See that? I am so kind.

“Are you okay now?”

“Mm.”

She meekly nodded her head.

“Okay then, why don’t you tell big brother here, what you’re doing in a place like this? 

“I, I don’t know. When I woke up, I was in the forest with Daddy.”

“Daddy? Is your parent here? Where are they?”

The kid looked confused. Then as she slowly digested the words, her tears started welling up again, “Waaah! Daddy’s abandoning Ela! Waaah—”

She jumped to my waist. Hugging me tightly, she refused to let go, “Waaah, Ela will be good. Please don’t leave me behind too!”

“Huh? What are you kid sayi—”

There were many things I questioned. So many things I didn’t understand. But from the corner of my eyes, there was a puddle reflecting the moon and a man’s face.

'Holy!!! That almost caused me a heart attack. That geriatric face is fucking scary! Wait a minute... pond... reflection... no... it can't be!' When I moved, the reflection followed. When I opened my mouth it too did the same.

Was I in denial? I know I'm not that stupid to not realize that this man with silver hair and bags under his red eyes. Pale skin, scrawnier than a scarecrow was someone who I should be familiar with.

After all... that reflection belonged to me.

‘...I... look like an undead.’

I too wanted to cry.