“Hey, honey, it’s time to wake up.” I heard a soothing and familiar voice speak overhead. I got up and quickly realized that something was different, missing. I opened my eyes to see my mother standing beside my bed, with a pair of scissors in one hand and a baggy full of my hair in another. 

No. No no no. I felt my hair, and found exactly what I’d been terrified of. It was short, incredibly short, agonizingly short, and my mother almost looked pleased with herself as I began to cry. “W-Why?” I barely managed as my sobs grew in intensity.

My mother’s smile morphed into a look of concern as she put her hand on my shoulder. “Oh, Chris, sweetie. I did what I had to do, to help you. Your disgusting friends seem to have put the wrong ideas in your head, and I just want to help you return to the right path.” 

I visibly recoiled at the sound of my deadname, and only her strengthened grip on my shoulder kept me from pulling away completely. I didn’t get it, why did she have to be so cruel? Wasn’t she supposed to love me? What did I do wrong?

-----

I woke up alone, covered in sweat, and out of breath. Erica wasn’t worriedly knocking on my door, so thankfully if I did scream, it wasn’t loud enough to wake her. That was good, I’d already woken her twice in the twelve days since the school semester began. My nightmares had become so much worse since realizing who I was, even if they weren’t any more frequent than normal.

The idea of my mother showing up in my room and cutting my hair was a terrifying one, but so much worse was the soul crushing thought that she’d try to force me to go back to the way I was. I was still reliant on her for a place to stay during the off months, which meant playing whatever role she wanted. I knew the nightmare version of her was outlandish, but it still felt almost real enough to horrify me. She very easily could have decided to be just like Luna’s mom and reject me outright, but unlike Luna’s dad, my own father wasn’t ever going to argue with Mom’s decisions. 

Thankfully I still had over two months before going back home would be a real worry, and by then my body fitting me better would hopefully give me the necessary confidence to successfully come out. Maybe her seeing me as Kara in the flesh would be enough to convince her that it was the right choice for me. That felt like the biggest false hope in the world. She made her opinions on people like me well known, on more than one occasion. 

I checked my phone and found that I’d slept almost to my usual wake up time, anyway. It was nearly eight-thirty, and I had my alarm set for nine so I could get ready for my visit to the clinic. Part of me wanted to stay in bed until my alarm ordered me to get ready, but a much larger part of me did not want to risk even the remote chance of falling back asleep and having another nightmare. 

With staying in bed out of the question, I slowly went through the motions of getting up and preparing to get ready. I tried to be as quiet as possible for Erica; she was an incredibly light sleeper when Aubrey wasn’t around, but once I started the shower, I knew she’d wake up to the noise. 

I grabbed some underwear, one of my old shirts, a pair of girl’s jeans Luna ‘accidentally’ bought for me over the weekend, and a hoodie to properly hide in before heading to the bathroom. I wasn’t able to delay showering for too long, but an extra few minutes was an extra few minutes, and before I started the shower I was able to get rid of what little specks of facial hair I had. Staring at my face long enough to shave was incredibly dysphoria-inducing. I hated how lacking in any feminine qualities it was, and it felt like I still had shadow where I shaved. Luna and Erica both promised I didn’t, but it felt so obvious every time I looked in the mirror.

My phone alarm only just started going off by the time I finished getting ready, and it served as a nice wake-up call to clear what little drowsiness I still felt. I left the bathroom fully dressed (It took me days to be able to look Erica in the eyes again after her and Aubrey’s incident), and found Erica reading on our couch. The book was an old paperback. The spine and cover were worn, so much so that I couldn’t pick out the title from where I was standing. 

Erica set her book down almost as soon as she caught sight of me, and cleared her throat. I froze, terrified of what she was going to say. “Kara, when are you going to tell anyone about this?” She sounded like an exasperated nurse talking to a victim of bullying, like she’d tried her best to fix the problem and needed me to do more.

I swallowed, unable to hide from my guilt. How long had she worried about me in silence? She deserved better than to have to focus on my problems, especially with how the university was overlooking one of its professors constantly ‘accidentally’ deadnaming and misgendering her. 

My silence must have been an answer all on its own. Erica only sounded more exasperated as she continued to speak. “You need to tell someone about your nightmares. You have a new therapist, and you wouldn’t stop gushing about how helpful she was just yesterday. Talk to her at your next session, at least. This is tearing you up.” Erica sounded genuinely broken up as she explained herself, which only served to deepen my guilt. 

“I’m sorry.” I was pathetic. I could barely manage the words for an apology, let alone the explanation she had every right to. How she could even tolerate me I didn’t understand. 

Erica was by my side in an instant, wrapping me in a warm embrace. It might not have been as comforting as Luna’s, but it was still incredibly helpful. “I didn’t say apologize, Kara. Please just take care of yourself. You have people who care about you an awful lot, and you’re only hurting yourself by trying to hide your problems from them.”

Part of me wanted to cry as she held onto me, it felt like I should have been able to cry, but with the exception of the night I realized who I was, I found myself unable to let those tears out. I didn’t understand why it was so hard to just cry. Was the male conditioning that was my entire childhood really that powerful? I wasn’t a man, or a boy, so why were the lessons I was wrongly taught about holding in emotions so effective?

After a short time we split apart, and I slowly found the strength to speak. It was hard, especially with how my barely improving voice sounded to my ears, but it was something. “Thank you. I… I just don’t want people to worry. You all have so many better things to do. To worry about.”

Erica made a dismissive noise and almost glared at me before she spoke up again. “We’re going to worry regardless. You’re my friend, you’ve been with me over and over in the past few weeks. Aubrey would fight the planet for you. Luna, well…” Erica seemed to pause for a moment, like she was trying to find the right words to say. “She’s your best friend. Let us help you, too. Please.” 

I didn’t know what to say. She was right, part of me was more than aware of that, but it just felt wrong to make them deal with my problems. Sure they wanted to, but how long would it be before my myriad of issues pushed them away? It was much better to keep them in the dark, then they’d never get sick of me

“Kara, please tell me you heard what I said.” Erica almost sounded desperate as she spoke, and I couldn’t help but cringe. Was I really hurting her that much by keeping quiet?

I reluctantly nodded my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to look into her eyes. I knew seeing her as disappointed as she sounded would break me.

“Good. If you don’t mind, I’d like to go with you when you go to the clinic. It can be daunting when you’re alone your first time.” Erica changed the subject as soon as she had an answer, and I couldn’t have been more grateful. 

“Uh, sure. My appointment’s at ten-thirty, so do you think you can be ready early enough for us to get there on time?”

“Of course.” As soon as Erica gave a confirmation she began moving, and left me alone to my thoughts as she showered. I could have done homework, but I was more than caught up on all of my assignments. All of my statistics homework for the semester was completely finished, my intro to bioengineering class had no homework, and my computer science professor didn’t let us do homework early. All that was left was my english language class, and I hated writing those constant essays. In two weeks I’d been given four essay assignments, and I was struggling to turn them in on time. 

Instead of any of that I turned my attention to the book Erica left behind. I didn’t recognize the cover, and even up close the name was impossible to read. A glance inside the book didn’t tell me anything, as it seemed summary had also been torn out. How much wear and tear had this book seen?

My curiosity was too much to handle. I flipped to a random page near the middle of the book, only to feel blush rising up my face as I realized what kind of book this was. I immediately placed it back in its original position and did my best to act natural before Erica came back. 

I thought I had been successful, but she began blushing as soon as she looked in my direction. “So, uh, sorry I left that there. It was Aubrey’s.” 

Neither of us could make eye contact with one another, and so we sat in awkward silence for several minutes. She only took twenty minutes to get ready, so we still had plenty of time before we had to leave. Normally that would’ve been great, but the situation made things painful. 

“Uh. Should we, you know. Go?” Erica asked, and I couldn’t nod my head quickly enough.

We didn’t say another word to another as we got in my car and began the drive ahead of us. Eventually my excitement overpowered the awkwardness I felt, and if I wasn’t driving I would have been incapable of keeping myself still. This was it. The start of my year long journey to becoming myself. 

I couldn’t wait.