A crescent moon blinked above a canopy of wilting leaves.

It needed to try harder. I had a minimum expectation of all my kingdom’s tenants. The moon in my sky was one of them. If it wasn’t illuminating my soft features and gentle smile beneath a curtain of moonlight, what good was it for?

Certainly not lighting the muddied path towards a baroness’s secret hovel.

And so–I relied upon Starlight Grace instead.

Holding my trusted multi-purpose gardening instrument aloft, I brushed aside the shadows as I led the way through the dense woodlands east of Hartzwiese. Damp soil and twisting vines was the reward for each step. 

A stark warning to those of gentle hearts and finely crafted boots to turn away.

Crack.

Instead, I scarcely slowed my pace as I stepped upon a twig, its snap muted by the weight of the dense trees and the watching darkness. All around me, countless eyes shone in response. A painting of malevolent stars, guiding me towards where only unseen horrors awaited.

Moments later, I spied movement in the periphery. 

A gnarled root revealed as a thorned tail disappearing into some hidden recess in the underbrush. 

A songbird in the shape of a ragged flesh raven, its throat convulsing as it mimicked the sweet chirp. 

A lupine shadow, prowling menacingly before it was lost amidst the jaws of a darker silhouette.  

And most conspicuously of all, the fluttering wings of common forest bats.

I narrowed my eyes at the litany of horrors … before nodding in satisfaction.

My, it was absolutely atrocious. 

A dark and damp forest filled with hideous creatures, where nobody with any standards, sense or taste would choose to reside. Here was where seasoned brigands turned up their nose, opting instead to squat in those less dangerous parts inhabited by man eating fire breathing death beetles as their place of lawlessness.

And so–I was appeased.

Not delighted. Not content. Just appeased. 

After all, even the thought of adding to Soap Island’s burgeoning labour force couldn’t deny the solemn fact I was again trudging through a forest intent on claiming an ankle. But I at least kept the worst of my frowns in reserve for when I’d soon require them.

A significant contrast to a former noblewoman following in my steps.

“Hmm.”

I glanced behind.

She only wore a look of deep unease as she peered around at the darkness attempting to swallow her defenceless form.

Even so, she offered only a slight hum in lieu of actual words of horror. 

I was impressed. 

Why, she’d only just joined my family’s maid staff, and was already learning the correct euphemisms. By the time she saw the loose socks which didn’t litter my bedroom, she’d be down to offering only a fixed smile and a nod.

Still, I hardly saw what her clear display of anxiousness was for. 

Anything which hid in the shadows also hid from Starlight Grace. 

And if it didn’t, well–

Coppelia was beside her. 

Or nearby. 

Or at least close enough to help her should something salivating seek to consume her. Especially as she was the one taunting them. Her wide smile was brighter than any light as she casually tossed twigs into the darkness. I watched as she struck something on the nose, answered by a yelp from either a frightened beagle or a corpse devouring barghest.

I pursed my lips.

Frankly, I had little wish to invite a monstrous horror into our midst. It’d be awful if Renise fainted. If my loyal handmaiden wasn’t willing to carry me unless an explosion warranted it, she certainly wasn’t going to be carrying a maid.

But quite aside from that, she should be busy performing a far more important task.

Ensuring we weren’t wildly lost.

“Coppelia, please stop antagonising the unknown horrors in the night.”

“They started it.”

“Yes, well, they’ve clearly nothing better to do. That doesn’t mean they’re worthy of your attention. Especially as it should be elsewhere. Are we still following the direction of the sewers?”

“The direction? Sure. I mean, it could technically be any direction from here. This is as good as I can feel. No more hollowness beneath the dirt, weird smells or signs of drainage access. We’re now officially lost in the middle of the spooky woods!”

“Lost?”

I raised a hand to my smiling lips, not at all disheartened by the surrounding gloom.

“Ohohoho … what are you suggesting? Why, this is exactly what I wanted!”

“You mean to be followed by something which looks like a tree but definitely isn’t a tree?”

“What? No. I don’t want that. And if you can, please discourage it from approaching. Goodness knows my hair is threatened enough by regular branches without monstrous ones enjoying a swipe as well.”

“Okie~”

Coppelia picked up another twig. Something I now realised was equivalent to throwing a bone at a skeleton. I nodded at the extra point being made. 

Huddling up behind me, Renise gave a polite cough.

“Um, Miss Juliette?”

“Yes? … Do you also see some bloodthirsty aberration in disguise?”

“Well, no. And that’s rather my concern. I, um, know you said you’re certain where the baroness can be located. But are you, well, certain certain she is here? This is quite a foreboding location. Even compared to a sewer.”

I offered a soothing smile.

That alone should have quelled any concerns. But for my brother’s own chosen attendant, I’d offer a few words of comfort as well. 

“Indeed, this is a truly ghastly place, fit only to play host to horrors without names and the unseen things they called their masters. And I even notice a spot of mist beginning to creep up as well. This is excellent news.”

“Ex … Excuse me? Is a mist obscuring our visibility a benefit?”

“In this case, yes.”

I elegantly strode onwards, ducking beneath a branch wishing to flatten itself against my forehead. 

“Rest assured, the doings of the kingdom’s lowest aristocracy are as dull as its highest. We’ve no need to meander through sewers like common grave robbers to know where they lead. Now that Coppelia has led us this far, their own predictability will do the rest.”

I saw Renise’s shadow nodding. As well as Coppelia’s hand reaching to examine if she had any pockets. 

I chose to unsee that.

“I notice we’re heading eastwards,” she said. “It makes sense that any safehold would be closer to the Granholtz border. But even with what we’ve determined, I fear this is far too large an area for us to cover. Have you perhaps surmised some hidden trail?”

“Hmm? No, not at all. I’m simply following the bats.”

“The bats?”

“The bats.”

I pointed ahead.

There, a steadily growing mass of bloodthirsty eyes blinked at us from amidst the darkness, retreating from Starlight Grace’s light like an ebbing wave.

“Oh, I see.” Renise paused. “... Truly?”

“Of course.”

Another pause. Greater this time.

A poor showing on her part. If she wished to work as a maid, even a false one, she needed to have enough stamina to agree with my every decision while walking.

“I’m … I’m afraid I don’t quite understand? Are you suggesting we’re purposefully following the bats to finetune the baroness’s location? But won’t that simply lead us to the bats’ colony? How will that … well, work?”

I was almost indignant.

Almost.

Because while a princess’s wisdom being doubted was as appalling as … whatever it was I’d just stepped on, this was hardly unexpected. 

Indeed, it was in the lifeblood of all nobility, former or otherwise, to doubt the acumen of royalty who’d long known their minds to see where their treason would next go. 

Thus, I placed my hand upon my chest instead, offering the learned smile my tutors did … before they were all replaced by banshees in human guise.

“Ohohoho … indeed it will. These bats will lead us to the darkest, most dingiest, most crestfallen location in the entire woods. We will be presented with the single most depressing sight in the local region, for what is favoured by bats is also favoured by the baronage. Mist, darkness and dampness. Here we shall find a secret retreat, built to house schemes so low that no thought remains for design aesthetics. And this means the most dull option which trends allow–a darkened tower ominously covered in bats.”

“Miss Juliette, I’m not certain if following bats will lead us to a darkened tower.” 

I glanced behind my shoulder at the one who amongst us had the least cause for dubiousness.

“Indulge me, if you would. Have you encountered many baron households over the years?”

“At formal gatherings, yes.” 

“And how many are you familiar with?”

“Of their private workings? … Perhaps over a hundred.”

“And of them, how many do you know possess secret hideaways and retreats?”

“Well … if it’s purely in the realm of likelihood … I suppose at least half?”

“And of that half, how many consist of darkened towers tossed in the middle of a forest with their exteriors ominously covered in a wallpaper of bats?”

Renise blinked as she counted the numbers in her head. 

After a moment, she looked slightly indignant on behalf of all those who had no right to be defended. 

“That … That is merely anecdotal.”

I paused before an unnaturally tall shrub, carefully laden between a pair of trees. 

With a hum towards my surroundings, I noted the presence of the moonlight peeking through a clear gap in the forest canopy beyond. The gathering of the mist sweeping around my ankles. The mass of watching eyes now withdrawn into the distance.

“No, Miss Renise. It is modern archetectural fashion.”

Then, I smiled–just before parting the shrub with Starlight Grace.

A stunned silence met a clearing illuminated by moonlight.

And there at its centre–was a darkened tower rising to a height which failed to even overlook the forest ceiling. 

A colony of fidgeting bats danced upon its surface, their mass dimly lit by lanterns jutting from windows boarded to prevent said bats from entering. And upon its blunted roof, an impaling spike served as a flourish to impragmatism.

As I turned around, I was met by the sight of Coppelia peering forward with her hand to her brows … and also Renise’s open mouth as she made a bizarre gurgling noise. 

A strange way of joining me in a mocking chorus. But she had time to learn.

“Ohhohohhoohohohohoho … behold! The contemptuous predictability of my kingdom’s nobility! Peer upon the epitome of uncreativity multiplied by affordability! Designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator, here is the most basic and popular secret hideaway for destitute barons to be found in the brochure of the Stonemason’s Guild!”

Here it was! 

The most popular product by sales and ratings! With countless satisfied reviews in an echo chamber of poverty nodding at one another’s lack of creativity without a sense of irony!

Package #12a. ‘The Dark Tower’, Original Secret Lair with Bat Enclosure and Optional Spire!

Ohohoho … indeed, I’d read the brochure!

When all the jesters were fired or promoted to become attachés to Granholtz’s ambassador, here was where the comedy was found!

Just because I flipped to the most expensive dwellings didn’t mean my need for amusement never saw me studying what the nobility counted as secret escapes!

“Uwwahh~ … I can’t believe you guys buy your secret towers from brochures.” 

“Ohohoho … no, Coppelia. Those who are not royalty buy their secret towers from brochures. Be mindful of the distinction.”

“Does that mean I can buy one?”

“What? Absolutely not.”

“Ehhh … so I can’t have my own tower?”

“You can’t have your own tower from a brochure. It’s the same as with trapped corridors. As my loyal handmaiden, you represent royalty. That means bespoke packages only.”

Coppelia blinked at me.

“If I have to buy things like royalty, does that mean I get royalty wages too?”

“Oho ... ohohohoho! W-Well, there are stipends and private funds available to ensure your lodgings are up to par … that is to say, you would not be expected to pay for everything out of pocket …”

“Hmm? And how much would you help pay? It’d have to be a lot, right? Probably all of it if I can only pick the super expensive stuff?”

“Well, I … I suppose in that regard, yes …”

“I want you to know that I have secured that commitment in the part of my memory that can neither be removed or destroyed.”

My mouth widened wordlessly.

Then, I broke into a magnanimous smile. Yes, magnanimous. Even if I considered whether the Royal Treasury was enough to pay for the type of skyward towers that Coppelia would ask for. It was only right her abode was just as fine as mine … maybe one step down … two steps down!

“Ughhh …”

Beside us, Renise groaned with her face in her palms.

“I can’t believe it … Father offered to buy this for me … as a birthday present … when he said it was popular, I didn’t know this is what he meant.”

“And what did you say?”

“I said I didn’t really need a dark tower … I’m also not overly fond of bats.”

“Then rejoice. Your place at my brother’s side may continue.”

Satisfied I’d permanently tarnished the image of her former colleagues more than blood and betrayal ever could, I continued onwards.

With a flick of my hair, I slid down the grassy embankment and into the clearing. 

Untrimmed grass met me as I made my way across with thoughts of tomorrow’s breakfast in mind. Vanilla palmiers or cinnamon streusel muffins. A more colourful picture than anything this tower had to offer.

But no matter. 

I expected little from those who schemed against my kingdom. And foresight was not one of them. Otherwise, there would at least be a parade of hoodlums waiting to accost me.

Instead, only the menacing sight of a structure with the ability to collapse at any moment threatened me. It was enough. And so I paused before the large wooden door, readying an excuse to explain why it wasn’t my fault.

And then–

Knock. Knock.

I rapped my knuckles against the door, bracing myself for the entire stonework to crumble.

After several moments, the door creaked open instead.

“... Yes? What is it?”

I blinked.

A man styled entirely in black robes was the one to greet me, his face almost entirely covered by a thick, twirly moustache stretching as far wide as the length of his beard. Amidst the dark pits of his eyes, little could be discerned other than a deep vexation with answering the door.

Hmm.

How curious.

Quite aside from the non-snivelling tone of his voice, here was one dressed far too impressively to be a mere henchman. At least by doorstop standards. Common and inexpensive wool, yes, but importantly without a single stitch or vomit stain.

I raised a brow in puzzlement.

All the more so as I glimpsed at the chamber behind him.

There was no pompous waiting reception there. No line of hoodlums ready to be bribed. No lit chandelier dragged from some gutter and still dripping with sewage waste. Not even a faux throne sat upon by a baroness with crossed legs and a vain smile.

Instead, there was a table.

That was it.

A single table and little else besides, carrying tools which were either very blunt or very sharp. Upon the stone floor was no carpet, but a drawn red circle enveloped by a ring of candles. 

And at its centre–

“Mmmgrhh … mmgghhr …. Mmghrhhh!!”

A young woman in farming attire, gagged and bound.

Held in a rusting cage, she looked towards me with eyes bulging with desperate tears, snot running down her nose as fear exuded from every sweating pore on her person. 

I gasped, my hand covering my mouth.

What … What was this?!

A single table as the entirety of the furnishing!

I was appalled.

Why, a dark tower was already built for affordability … but this? 

It was so empty of decoration it may as well be newly built! 

Clearly not the case. The fashionably crumbling stonework didn’t come as standard. 

Frankly, this was a disgrace. My expectations were at the level of the earthworms beneath the dirt. And yet somehow, this tower failed to even reach the minimum level of disappointment. 

“Excuse me,” I said towards the robed man. “Is this the secret dark tower belonging to a …”

I turned to Renise. Her eyes were wide as she stared inside, her face white with horror.

I couldn’t agree more. This wasn’t just cheap. It was lazy.

But even so, to not finish a sentence when called upon was a significant demerit. Fortunately, she wasn’t my handmaiden. Coppelia was, and she was ready in her stead.

“Baroness Arisa Sandholt,” she answered cheerfully.

“Her,” I said. “Is this her secret dark tower?”

The robed man gave a shake of his head.

“No, I’m afraid this is not.”

“Oh, truly? Are you quite certain?”

“Very.”

“She may be tenanting in a damp corner somewhere. Have you checked the upper spire? The bats may be hiding her.”

“I’m certain I have no tenants.” 

I frowned as I peered past him. Nothing of any baroness could be seen. Not unless she wore farming overalls.

“I see … very well, then. My apologies for disturbing you.”

“It’s fine.”

Even before his lip service to etiquette was complete, he began shutting his door, the sounds of weeping rushing out in a desperate cry just before it sealed shut.

I turned around.

A few moments later, I placed my face in my palms and gave a deep sigh.

And then–

Knock. Knock.

“... Yes? What is it now?”

The robed man's caution seeped through his voice, what little of his cheeks betraying the wrinkled suspicion concealed beneath his beard.

I smiled in response.

“Excuse me … but what are you doing?”

The man paused. Following my gaze, he briefly glanced behind him.

He promptly stepped in front of me, hiding my view.

“Nothing.”

I narrowed my eyes as I peered past him, regardless of his clumsy attempts at stopping me.

“Sir, this is clearly not nothing. You have a gagged, bound and caged farmer in a ritualistic circle, surrounded by what appears to be instruments of torture. Are you absolutely certain nothing is amiss? Because I need these farmers. Traumatised is fine. But certainly not dead. Now, once again–what are you doing?”

The robed man considered me briefly, a variety of responses clearly fluttering through his mind.

And then–

Pwam.

He closed the door.

The sound of a key being turned was followed by a heavy bolt being pushed into place.

I considered it for a moment, before turning to my brother’s watching attendant.

“Miss Renise. Do you see this conveniently open doorway here?”

“Huh? No, I see a door that’s just been locked and bolted.”

I leaned towards her with my most angelic smile. She leaned an equal distance away.

“There was never a door.”

“But … there’s a door–”

“Coppelia?”

“What’s a door?~”

Renise blinked. 

Then, she noted the sight of my loyal handmaiden stretching her legs.

“There … There was never a door … ?”

I nodded in satisfaction. 

My, how wonderful. There was hope for her yet.