I peered above a hedgerow.

An overgrown hedgerow.

Grim in every respect. Here was a pitiable sight unsaved even by the delicate moonlight. Tangled vines and leaves like the muddled feet of nobility hoping to dance with me at every soirée.

Somehow, this was even worse. 

Not by much,  yes … but still!

That my kingdom’s greenery was allowed to run this wild broke more laws than I’d yet to invent. And I knew precisely who would be answering for it.

A farm teeming with louts.

Beyond the hedgerow, scores of ruffians littered the remains of a crop field, their figures clearly lit by the campfires which warded away the night. 

There was no wheat here on its way to becoming the next giant flan cake hoping to prove my downfall. Instead, the barren soil played host to the most wilted specimens my kingdom had to offer. Hoodlums so devoid of form they weren’t even permitted to trouble the corners of bars.

And so they’d come to a ruined farmstead instead. 

Perhaps it’d been quaint once. A fine collection of barns and stables for all my knights to hide in when the local fathers came searching with pitchforks and flaming brands in hand. Now they were filled with rogues in patchwork armour, their blackened expressions made only prettier by the soil. 

A foul stench drifted as much from themselves as the well in the centre. 

Sacks and crates were being hoisted by the bundle. Ill-gotten gains purchased from ill-gotten proceeds. And all to a chorus of debauchery as the peers amongst them drank, laughed and gambled around tables clearly removed from a tavern now belonging to the kingdom.

They would need to be returned.

All of them. 

These clear brigands included. Even now, I could hear the uninvited bellowing in the distance, echoing with proof that even more awaited in this den of ill-will. An entire company of the disreputable.

A problem.

For them, of course. 

Because not only did their barred notice apply throughout the entire kingdom, but Coppelia was wearing an enthusiastic smile as she stood on her tip-toes, peering over the same forgotten hedgerow.

If they had a single dollop of wit between them, they would take that as the sign to flee far away.

“Oooooh~ such variety!”

I turned to my loyal handmaiden in puzzlement. All I saw was the same shade of dirt.

“Excuse me?”

“The breadth of insects here is amazing. Look, look! You’ve got small bandits being pushed around. Big bandits who don’t know they’re gonna be betrayed. Fresh bandits with all their teeth still intact and elite bandits who can now only speak through pointing and grunting. It’s like a bandit pageant!”

I let out a sigh.

“A bandit pageant. Then I can only wish the judges well. Discerning between varieties of bandits is like spotting the difference between a failed crème brûlée and a failed strawberry shortcake.”

“You sure? Because I think crème brûlées and strawberry shortcakes are pretty different desserts.”

“Not at all. For one thing, strawberry shortcakes aren’t desserts. They’re snacks. And despite what anyone says, also appropriate to eat at any moment of the day … or night. Besides, all that matters is whether they pass or not. Anything which doesn’t automatically becomes part of the same indistinguishable pile outside my window.”

“I bet chefs queue up asking you to judge their stuff, huh?~”

I placed my hand proudly upon my chest.

“Ohohoho … naturally they do. All who seek me also seek my brutal, unrelenting and career-shattering assessments. I am not some mother offering platitudes to an infant upon her lap. I am a princess, and every word I speak is both truthful and sincere. Indeed, as a paragon of innocent maidens everywhere, I am incapable of dishonesty.”

Coppelia slowly creaked her head, turning her smile towards me.

Then, she leaned slightly forwards.

“Reaaaaally?”

I pursed my lips–and then looked away.

“Y-Yes …”

Coppelia clapped her hands together.

“In that case, what do you think of adventure romance books?”

Beside us, Renise also turned away from the hoodlums, blinking instead at my widened mouth as I reeled from my loyal handmaiden’s frontal betrayal.

“Oh? Do you read adventure romance books?”

“Wha–”

“Goodness, that’s a surprise. May I ask which you like most?”

“Wha … W-What sort of question is that?! Why … that entire genre is s-s-scandalous … liking it is utterly irrelevant … I … I merely read what I do in order to gather information … indeed, as a princess, I have few outlets to research the deplorable … thrilling … but mostly deplorable hobbies of the people!”

Renise hummed for a moment.

“In that case, there’s a series I’ve been enjoying a lot. It’s actually very popular. It’s called A Court Lady’s Indiscretion. I have all four volumes if you’re interested.”

I gasped.

Everyone had all four volumes! And still I was only on the third!

A moment later, I tightly clenched my hands.

That’s right! I was a princess! And I had an image to maintain!

Thus, I ensured the correct look of scholarly indignation was on display before I firmly rejected her offer, kind as it was.

“Well … if you’ve already finished reading … then I–mmmfffphhph.”

My hands clasped tightly around my mouth.

W-What was this … ?!

First my handmaiden, then my own lips! 

Why, the constant treason was beginning to seep into the very air! I could no longer even trust myself!

Sensing the peril around me, I immediately snapped to full stature, urgency in heart as I willfully ignored the queries of a giggling handmaiden and a highly concerned former lady.

“We … We are being distracted!” I said, after cautiously freeing my traitorous lips. “We shall have time for idle conversation later … which depending on the topic may be never! We must proceed at once! An errant baroness is present, and we must instil in her the authority of my boot before all is lost!”

I waited for the chorus of agreement. I took Coppelia’s continued amusement as a yes. 

The raised hand from Renise, however, was different from the unquestioning nodding I expected of my family’s maids, real or otherwise. This was something I’d need to fix. I could hardly send her back to Roland without her knowing how to agree to every troublesome request.

“Um … I’m not certain if I should ask this, but do we have a plan?”

“A plan? Why, of course we do. Our plan is to offer a stray baroness a ship to Soap Island. And because I’m as generous as I am merciful, I shall offer it to her with words first.”

Renise paused. 

“I’m not entirely sure what Soap Island is. But that doesn’t sound like a plan. More like an intention. Do you, um, intend to go through the front door … again?”

“Naturally. We pride ourselves on efficiency.”

She turned towards the farmstead, peering over the hedgerow with a look of sudden doubt.

“I see … in that case, I don’t believe that would be the most prudent choice.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“This farmstead was chosen for a reason. The sewers run beneath, and are likely part of a vast network of smuggling tunnels reaching further than Hartzwiese. It’s certain that more of her hired brigrands are merely a shout away. What we see and hear is only a small fraction of what Baroness Arisa has available at her beck and call.”

I wondered if I was supposed to look surprised.

To scheme while within squawking distance of all her louts was hardly news to me. If my nobility had wings, they’d be seagulls.

“Quite so. To gather so many hoodlums makes this seem suspiciously like the beginnings of an insurrection. Clearly, those in the countryside haven't considered the effects of a single order of trampling knights. Or indeed, a princess with a schedule.”

Renise nodded.

“Perhaps so. But I don’t believe it’s necessary to engage in a needless confrontation. In fact, I would like to make a suggestion.”

“We immediately proceed?” said Coppelia.

“My handmaiden says we immediately proceed. A methodology which hasn’t failed us at present. What do you suggest to counter this?”

Renise wore a pained look. 

As expected, she only had my best interest at heart. The idea of me using my soles to stomp so many hoodlums meant I wouldn’t be able to wear them after. Someone would have to carry me back. And Coppelia only did it during explosions.

“The deputy guildmaster spoke truly. Not even the local garrison would be able to remove so many bandits. And while I’m very well aware of your prowess, I’m, well, also aware that there are quite a lot of wares here, and I feel like we could resolve this without everything being destroyed …”

“E-Excuse me! Everything I do is delicate! I am a flower in the wind!”

Renise blinked.

Then, she adopted a professional smile as she kept her thoughts in check. I could only nod. She was raw, perhaps. But well on her way to becoming a valued member of our staff.

“Yes, but even a flower can bend too sharply, particularly with the winds you summon. My suggestion is to simply accost the baroness without allowing her a response. She trusts too much in her sewers and has left herself vulnerable to stealth as a result. By taking advantage of the night, we can steal inside and avoid any guards whose wariness is surely stilted. If nothing else, I’m certain the rear exit to the manor will be less guarded.”

I raised a brow in confusion. 

“Manor? What manor?”

“The one over there.”

Renise pointed over the overgrown hedge.

Towards a barn.

A moment later, I offered her a look of utmost pity.

“Miss Renise … could it be that in addition to offering you a stock dark tower as a birthday present, your father also attempted to gift you a barn pretending to be a manor?”

She offered an embarrassed smile. Poor thing. I never knew her upbringing was so harsh.

“It’s different to the ones in the city, yes … but in the countryside, this is what’s considered a manor. It’s an appropriate size for a mayor’s residence. The baroness will likely be residing there.”

I turned once more towards the barn.

A moment later … I raised my hand to my lips and smiled.

“Ohhohoho … my, is that so? To think I’d underestimated the guile of my kingdom’s rodents. By sheltering in a veritable hole, this baroness has made herself immune to any approach by royalty.”

A gruesome tactic steeped in self-loathing. But highly effective.

Why, this went quite beyond the hovels I expected of any of my countryside nobility. No matter how much I looked at it, a barn was still a barn. If carts began rolling from its doors, I wouldn’t look twice.

In short, my dire weakness.

I could not even consider entering such a premises. Literally. A cloud of haze filled my mind at even the first hint of a thought.

… Very well, then!

Should this be her tactic, then there was only one thing left to do.

I turned to Renise.

“Your suggestion is prudent. However, we are not common burglars in the night. To prowl like the hoodlums this baroness employs is a blot on my … on the kingdom’s dignity. One far worse than anything our soles could step on. An example needs to be made. And the more to see it, the better.”

Renise groaned into her palms, doubtless dreading the idea of entering a barn as much as I did.

She didn’t need to worry. I had no such intention.

And so I offered a smile to soothe her regrets–just before sweeping past the hedgerow and towards the largest gathering of hoodlums. Her footsteps and Coppelia’s humming followed suit.

“Um … Miss Juliette?”

“Yes?”

“This isn’t the right direction. The manor is the building over there.”

“Is it? Excellent. I’ll keep my eyes there, then.”

Confusion fell over me. Just as it did from the ones squatting here.

Widened mouths met me as I strode past the well, through the midst of the louts. Entire groups paused in their gruntwork. Their only acknowledgement to our presence and Coppelia’s waving was for their sacks to droop in their arms.

Beneath the moonlight, blank faces blossomed like the many night lilies I saw being trampled on. 

But nowhere more than from those sat around the largest gambling table. Dice and cards and hands gripped around tankards came to a stop. 

Adorned with slightly less soiled armour than the rest, the heavily armed group blinked at me, then at each other as they waited for someone else to make the obvious query.

The smallest amongst them received a kick to the shins. He promptly coughed.

“Uh … sorry, but who are–”

I held up a finger.

The man abruptly stopped. I wrinkled my nose towards each hoodlum sitting at the table. And then I prodded my finger above my shoulder.

“Up.”

An entire table stared at me in confusion. 

All the more so as my finger continuously prodded upwards.

A moment later, the hoodlums slowly rose, knees creaking with hesitancy. With the drinks in their hands more steady than they’d ever known, they slowly stepped away from their seats.

I leaned down and brushed away at some of the dice and cards, all the while ignoring Coppelia as she quietly swept at a pile of winnings.

Then, I took a seat before the gawking crowd and nodded.

Indeed, I had little intent on crawling through whatever hutch these people had made their home. Especially as it was customary for hosts to receive their guests at the door.

I turned towards the nearest hoodlum.

“I’m ready. Please inform the baroness that her presence is awaited at my tea table.”

The lout blinked.

“Uh, should I give a name?”

I smiled.

“She will know.”