A talking door, complete with a suspicious smile.

All of a sudden, I found myself gasping as I held my hands to my mouth … all in order to stop the childish sound of delight from seeping into the open.

My … I could scarcely believe my luck!

Even as empires rose and fell, seasons shifted with the moods of dragons and carrots somehow became even more wonky with time, talking doors were a quaintness which never changed!

A supremely popular staple in the pages of my adventure romance novels! Found in the hearts of dungeons and vaults alike, they were the unflinching guards to treasures and secrets untold! Home to bound souls and spirits, they were the wardens without rest! Memorable guardians who moved not even for their own keepers!

Indeed, only one thing could cause a talking door to shift its hinges …

“Would you care to enter, my darlings?” asked the door, the voice melodic and inviting, its smile warm and alluring. “Much that you imagine and more can be found within. However, to pass, you must fulfil a specific requirement.”

I nodded, already knowing well what the requirement was.

Yes, that’s right!

An answer to their riddles!

Ohhohohohohohooh … here it was!

A test of logic and wit! Here was a foe who moved not for kings nor queens … but they did for wise sages, masters of learning, and all who passed their trials of intelligence!

Oho …. Ohohoho … ohohohohohhohoho!

I … I was in my element!

“Coppelia!!”

“Yes?”

I pointed to the suspicious door.

Naturally, it only shone in response. Yes, even if it seemed to shrink slightly away.

“Behold! A talking door! A soul empowered to ward away the witless! Watch as I thoroughly dazzle with my unparalleled genius to sidestep such a trivial encounter! A single caterpillar sliding disgustingly upon the bark of my apple trees would be a calamitous threat compared to the riddles of a motionless object! Watch and be stunned!” 

“I’m watching, I’m watching~”

Smiling profusely, I turned to the glowing door with no less a shine coming from my regal nature.

“Very well, Madame Door! You have my undivided attention. Know that you stand before the gold, silver, and bronze medal winner of last year’s Royal Villa Chess Tournament. There is no puzzle I cannot solve, no maze I cannot navigate and no question I cannot answer … so by all means, present your riddle! I shall pass unhindered through your door! Ohhohohohohoho!” 

The door responded with a deep silence. Its burned dots painting a demonic smile became strangely still.

I regarded it with puzzlement, wondering if my exemplary history meant it’d simply given up.

However–

“Very well, for you then,” replied the door, its tone far too much like the nobility who infested the royal court for my liking. “A monster seen, yet neither bloody nor mean. I slurp up the juice, of berries and spruce. Not a threat to your gold, nor your loot unsold. With a squish and a squeeze, I’d rather bounce up a tree … what am I?”

In answer, I upped the radiance of my smile, barely covering my lips as I allowed the sound of my overwhelming genius to pour out into the open.

“Ohhohohohhohhohooho! A difficult riddle, yes … but not for me!” 

Too easy!

A harmless monster which slurped berries and bounced up trees … indeed, such sparse clues and subtle hints may trouble the greatest minds … but mine was even greater!

“Coppelia, watch as I best this master of games with but a single thought to a riddle which has stumped countless intruders before us! … Madame Door, I have the answer!” 

“Wonderful. And what is it?”

“A harmless monster which slurps berries and bounces up trees … know that such a riddle may fool the masses of witless adventurers who seek to plunder what spoils remain in these elven ruins, but such a testing riddle will not avail my unrivalled ability for logical thinking and problem solving!”

The smile on the door twitched.

“... Do you have an answer?”

“Yes, I do. Ahem … you refer to a fruit slime!”

“I do. My congratulations on the correct answer.”

I turned to my loyal handmaiden.

She raised her hands and began lightly applauding in much the same way Florella did whenever I ate a velouté de cresson with a single grating of carrot in it. A masterful effort on my part. And utterly nothing compared to the ease in which I navigated this most perilous of puzzles.

Satisfied at the smile she wore, I returned my attention to the door and motioned towards the handle.

“With the riddle answered, I take it there will be no objections to me entering the premises?”

“My darling. That riddle has nothing to do with entering.”

“Excuse me?”

“The door isn’t locked. You’re quite free to enter, provided you meet the criteria.”

“... I don’t understand. Then why did you give me a riddle?”

“Because you asked for one. As a demon matriarch stuck in a door, I aim to please.”

The door’s smile remained perfectly fixed.

Even so … I found myself clicking my tongue. 

Truly, either as an immovable lump of wood or a spawn of the deepest abyss, there were far too many comparisons to be drawn with the nobility who plagued my mandatory tea parties with their time wasting antics.

A poor omen. 

For this door.

“Very well. And what is the criteria to enter?”

“There is only one. This door will only open to royalty.”

For a moment, I simply blinked at the words. 

Literally so.

The Royal Entrance.

Why … it was there on the plaque, after all!

“Is that so?” I radiated delight as I approached. “Goodness, what stringent requirements!”

“Quite so, my darling,” replied the voice, woven with music. “A tall order for most. However, I’m in an excellent position to offer my assistance in this matter. Should you seek the treasures which hide unspoiled within the memories of this fallen place, I can do so … should you render me assistance in turn. A small favour for a very large prize.”

I casually waved away her optimism.

“You may dispense with all notion of bartering for my soul, demon matriarch. Mine is worth more than any treasure … do you know why?”

A notable silence answered me.

“No. Please tell me why.”

“Because I am a treasure … ohohohohohoohohoho!!” 

The smile twitched again.

“So I see. I note your beauty and your elegant stature. No … I see more than that … I see … ah.”

“Ah, indeed.” I smiled with a flick of my hair. My royal, princessy hair. “I do not know how you came to be trapped in a door, but I do not regret being unable to render my assistance. I wish you well in the centuries ahead.”

Thus, I nodded, reached for the handle, and pulled it wide–

And pulled it wide–

And pulled–

Hmmmmmm.

“Excuse me,” I said, my hand tugging unsuccessfully at the handle. “There appears to be a problem.”

The black smile etched upon the door took on an inquisitive hue. 

“Oh? Whatever do you mean?”

“I mean that despite being royalty, and thus fulfilling the one and only criteria, the door you inhabit does not appear to be opening. Are you stopping it?”

“Not at all. Despite currently being one and the same, I’ve little control over this door. As I said, it only opens to royalty … are you certain you’re royalty?”

I immediately stamped my foot on the grass, pointing my royal finger at the demon’s smile.

“Am I … Am I certain?! Why, I’m the 3rd Princess to the kingdom this ruin of broken squalor, including your unvarnished door, resides upon! You do not have the authority to deny entry to even the rodents which keep me up at night! The nerve! To refuse to open to a true princess of the realm is scandalous … especially if that’s the only criteria!”

“Hmm. And yet I speak the truth. This door only opens to royalty.” 

I was aghast.

This … This door was openly casting doubt on my status! 

Why, I had half a mind to simply send a mailbox through it! … After I’d thoroughly convinced it of my identity! 

“I am Juliette Contzen, 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea! Behold me in all my glory! My royal weapon, Starlight Grace, passed down through generations of my family! My royal attire, meticulously unwrinkled despite the horrors which seek to dishevel it! My royal handmaiden, whose service is beyond reproach! My credentials are spotless! Do you deny my words?”

“Not at all. Though all you see is my smile, I assure you that my eyes still function quite well. I see very much who you are. A human princess. A fine intruder of the highest standing.”

“So you agree I’m a princess?”

“Yes.”

“Must I be an elven princess?”

“No.”

“But you agree that I’m royalty?”

“Yes.”

“Then is there anything preventing me from entering?”

“No.”

“So I should be able to enter?”

“Yes.”

I reached out, then tugged on the handle.

“Why do you not open?!” I demanded to know. “Your words clearly do not match your actions!”

A smile met my indignation.

“I can render assistance. And contrary to your mistaken beliefs, my price for opening a door is not your soul. On the contrary, it would be an entirely one-way affair. I would not demand a thing. Should you assist me, I shall owe you a considerable boon. The treasures you’ll find within? … A mere afterthought. You may have them all and more. This is a very good offer.”

“For the peasants wishing a stronger mule to pull their carts, certainly. But as I’ve already made clear, I am royalty. There’s no boon you may grant, for I possess all that I desire.”

“Well, you don’t possess what’s behind me.”

“Not the point! You may dispense with the bartering. Do not mistake me for some moronic adventurer seeking trinkets for their looted haul.”

“You wear the ring of an adventurer.”

I pursed my lips.

“You’re mistaken. The copper hue of this ring is the result of discoloration from the evening sun.”

“My dear, even as a door, I can see quite clearly that–”

“In any event! I refuse to accept this state of affairs. Though your opinion matters less to me than the permanent bankruptcy of my servants as they pay for the dresses they continually ruin, it is an insult against my honour. The nerve to reject me! You should be beyond grateful that I even touch your handle. What is that? Brass? Why, I wouldn’t even ask my loyal handmaiden to dirty her hand touching such a cheap material prone to rusting and … and … hmm?”

I stopped.

A moment later, I turned to Coppelia.

She tilted her head inquisitively at me, before clapping her hands together.

“Oooooh~ is it door breaking time?”

“Wait. I’m thinking.” 

“Great! Which bit are you thinking I should kick? To be honest, I’ve got no idea what’ll happen if we break a door with a demon matriarch in it. But I bet it’ll be fun! Maybe not for the surrounding ecology, but for us!”

I continued to peer at Coppelia.

Then … I blinked as a light sparked in my mind. Which isn’t to say that there wasn’t always a light there, of course. My mind was teeming with more thoughts than an old master sitting atop a mountain peak. But this light was akin to the sun cresting it, washing away my misunderstanding.

My … how cute.

To think I’d been provided with a riddle, after all.

“Ohoho …. Ohohohohoho ….”

I offered my loyal handmaiden a glimpse of my amusement, before returning my attention to the unhelpful door. 

The smile there was no more, its sultriness fading against my greater charm. And for good reason.

“I see,” I said, hearing nor expecting a response. “So this door only opens for royalty. Then I’ve made an error. An embarrassing faux pas on my part. But I can forgive myself. I’ve been on the road for some time, after all, and my usual retinue is not available to answer my every whim.”

I glanced back at my only member of staff with an appreciative smile. One I would endeavour to provide as payment for services rendered, for it’s surely worth more to her than any gold crowns.

“Coppelia … could you please open this door?”

“Eh?” She pointed at herself with both hands. “Me?”

“Of course.”

“I’m not royalty, though. I think. Why, do you think I’m royalty? Because I’ll be honest, I don’t think I can do the laugh all the time.”

“You don’t need to do the laugh all the time. Only when it’s appropriate.”

“Okay. But you see, I hear you do it a lot, and I still don’t know when it’s appropriate.”

“Understandable. It’s a talent as much as a learned skill. One inherent to royalty–of which I’m afraid you’re not. And for this particular door, I do believe that’s precisely what’s required.”

Indeed, as Coppelia skipped over to join me, I already knew as she reached for the plain door handle exactly what would occur.

Creaaaaak.

An uncharming groan of the hinges, the door swinging as a dark corridor was revealed within.

“A childish riddle,” I said to the newly revealed back of the door, where neither smile nor voice could be gleaned. “But not without entertainment. I thank you for the reminder of decorum … I, of all people, should know that even a door reserved for royalty should not be opened by their hands, but by the hands of their retainers.”

Coppelia looked slightly scandalised.

“Hey! I’m useful for loads of things! Door opening isn’t part of that list!”

“Don’t worry. As my loyal handmaiden, you’re entitled to your own servants opening doors for you as well.”

Coppelia opened her mouth, then paused.

“I get servants?”

“Of course.”

“Squishy peasants to be poked around and ordered to do things which are physically unachievable and then made to feel bad for it afterwards?”

“Wonderful, no? Come. We have some spring cleaning to do.”

I offered her a tidy smile, then swept into the darkness.

As I did so, a sultry voice echoed from behind. A last parting.

“A polite word of warning, princess. For the short escape from drudgery. Beware of that which still resides here. For older things than demons guard these ruined halls.”

I offered a smile to the darkness.

“Good. Then they’ll know exactly what needs cleaning first.”